- [Kevin's shipment of baseball cards come in]
- Kevin Franklin: The entire 1994 baseball season, know what I'm saying? I got Ken Griffey Jr. here, Barry Bonds, Jose Canseco. People spend big money for baseball cards, but if they get hurt, it's even worth more money! Say one of them's going to the car after the game, gets hit - pow! I don't wanna see it happen, but if it does, I'm getting paid!
- [after stumbling on Jason's skateboard]
- Gary Young: Jason, how many times have I told you to pick that damn thing up? A lot, I think. Probably several, maybe.
- [Kevin checking the contents of 'his suit bag']
- Kevin: All right let's see what we've got... I don't care if it don't look good,just fit...
- [noticing the 'GFH' initials on the suit]
- Kevin: GFH?
- [he looks further and he found the brand tag]
- Kevin: Groverton Funeral Home? I'm dead... I'm *dead*...
- [guests wondering what 'GFH' stands for at Kevin's suit]
- 1st Guest: What is that stand for?
- Kevin: My great-grandfather, General Francois Heimlich Manuever, World War 1 and 2
- 1st Guest: Good guy.
- 2nd Guest: What does it stand for?
- Kevin: Gemstones Furs, and Haberdasheries.
- [to 3rd guest]
- Kevin: Graduated, Full Honors, Oxford. I guess you wouldn't know about that.
- 3rd Guest: I went to Harvard
- Kevin: Yeah, Harvard *Street*
- [to a Priest]
- Kevin: Oh, It's a gospel group I was with, Godliness, Faithful and Honest
- Priest: Ah, amen.
- Kevin: [to other guests] Geeks For Hire,a temporary service. You'd fit it, you ought to call us. Gas From Humans... Girls From the Hood... G-strings For the Huge... Gotta Feed the Hungry... Girls Feeding Homies
- Waitress: It's that a joke?
- Kevin: [to a female guest] Good, Fine and Healthy and baby, you're it. *BAM!* You know what I'm saying?
- [female guest leaves Kevin]
- Kevin: That looks good. Can I try some?
- Gary Young: Sure. Go ahead.
- [Kevin tries the dip and reacts in disgust]
- Kevin: Oh! What is that?
- Rosie the Caterer: Puree of parsnip and crook-neck squash.
- Kevin: I thought it was nacho cheese.
- [ST3 is begging Brooke for a second chance]
- Brooke Young: [looks at Kevin, who shakes his head] Uh-uh! No way! No how! See ya.
- Sarah Young: Uh-uh! No way! No how! See ya.
- Kevin: come on guys what are we doing? i mean this is boring? cant we speed things up a bit? have any of you ever heard of speed golf?
- Tough Kid #2: [after the playground bullies have lost their clothes in a game of basketball, they are standing on the court in their underwear] Hey, can we please have our clothes back?
- Tough Kid #1: [embarrassedly trying to cover his boxer shorts] Maybe the best out of three?