The Andy Griffith Show (1960– )
Don Knotts: Barney Fife
Photos
Quotes
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Barney Fife : Andy, I've this one dead to rights! Otis was drunk. I even gave him a test. I drew a line on the sidewalk and told him to walk it. You know what he said?
Andy Taylor : What?
Barney Fife : He asked me what line. I've got this one right, Andy. Otis was drunk!
Andy Taylor : That right, Otis? Did you ask Deputy Fife what line?
Otis Campbell : Yeah; but I didn't have my specs on and drunk or sober, I can't see much without my specs.
Andy Taylor : Otis, three hours ago when Deputy Fife arrested you were you drunk?
Otis Campbell : I don't know; I wasn't wearin' my glasses.
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Barney Fife : Boy, giraffes are selfish.
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Barney Fife : Well, I guess to sum it up, you could say, there's three reasons why there's so little crime in Mayberry. There's Andy, and there's me, and
[patting gun]
Barney Fife : baby makes three.
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Barney Fife : What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a man take off a dress before?
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[Andy has told Rafe Hollister to try out for the musical]
Barney Fife : I'm surprised at you, Andy. They want people who have had musical training. Why, suppose they ask Rafe to do something he don't know? Rafe, if they asked you to sing a cappella, could you do it?
Rafe Hollister : No.
Andy Taylor : Hey, Barn, what if they was to ask you if you could sing a cappella, what would *you* do?
Barney Fife : Why, I'd do it!
[snapping fingers in rhythm]
Barney Fife : "A cappella, a cappella"... Well, I don't remember all the words.
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Andy Taylor : What are you doing?
Barney Fife : Gun-drawing practice, ten minutes every day. If I ever have to use this baby, I want to teach it to come to papa in a hurry.
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Barney Fife : [Andy and Barney are watching a sign painter] Ain't he got chicken spelled wrong?
Andy Taylor : No, it's right.
Barney Fife : You sure?
Andy Taylor : Yeah, it's "i before e except after c and e before n in chicken".
Barney Fife : [chuckles] Oh yeah, I always forget that rule.
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Barney Fife : Fly away buzzard, fly away crow, way down south where the winds don't blow. Rub your nose and give two winks and save us from this awful jinx.
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Barney Fife : If there's anything that upsets me, it's having people say I'm sensitive.
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Barney Fife : Adios, amigo.
Briscoe Darling : [to Andy] He one of ours?
Andy Taylor : Oh, sure.
Briscoe Darling : [to Barney] More power to ya.
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[Gomer has made a citizens arrest on Barney]
Andy Taylor : All right, what's goin' on here?
Barney Fife : Aw this boob here...
Gomer Pyle : Boob? Why that's an insult in the face of the public!
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Barney Fife : Gomer, get down there with them spiders and start workin'!
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Andy Taylor : [Barney and Thelma Lou have had a fight on the phone] Uh, Barn; why don't you just call her back?
Barney Fife : [Picking up the phone] Sarah, get me Juanita at the diner. No, I wouldn't just rather call Thelma Lou back!
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Andy Taylor : Barney, you can't give Otis a sobriety test now; he's had all night to sleep it off. The time to give him a sobriety test was last night when you picked him up.
Barney Fife : I couldn't give him the test last night!
Andy Taylor : Why?
Barney Fife : He was too drunk.
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Barney Fife : [to Andy] Well, if it ain't daddy long legs!
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Andy Taylor : Well, I caught him earlier on a 10-17.
Barney Fife : Hat in a horse trough?
Andy Taylor : Yeah.
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Barney Fife : [while relaxing on the front porch after Sunday dinner] You know what I think I'm gonna' do?
Andy Taylor : What?
Barney Fife : I'm gonna' go home, have me a little nap, and then go over to Thelma Lou's and watch a little TV.
Andy Taylor : Mmm-hmm.
Barney Fife : Yeah, I believe that's what I'll do. Go home... have a nap... and then over to Thelma Lou's for TV.
Andy Taylor : Mmm.
Barney Fife : Yep, that's the plan. Home... little nap... then...
Malcolm Tucker : [interrupting] For the love of Mike *do* it!
[shouts]
Malcolm Tucker : Do it! Just *do* it! Go take a nap, go to Thelma Lou's for TV, just *do it*!
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Barney Fife : Inkem binkem notamus rex, protect us all from the man with the hex.
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[after writing himself a traffic ticket]
Barney Fife : A boob that's what I am, a boob!
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Barney Fife : [about Briscoe's decision not to kill Ernest T] It's a wise man who knows not to push the limits of the law.
Briscoe Darling : [to Andy] He arguin' with me?
Andy Taylor : No; he's agreein' with you.
Briscoe Darling : Just so I know where I stand.
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[Andy and Barney are at the Darlings when a rock comes through the window]
Barney Fife : What was that!
Andy Taylor : I think Ernest T. Bass is paying us another visit.
Briscoe Darling : Ernest T. Bass! You're a low down skunk!
[Turns away from the window, then turns back]
Briscoe Darling : Doggone ya!
Andy Taylor : Listen here, Ernest T. Bass! This is Sheriff Taylor! Go on home and leave these people alone! You're keepin' 'em awake!
Ernest T. Bass : Tell 'em to go back to bed! Charlene's the one I want to talk to!
Barney Fife : Listen here, Ernest T. Bass! This is Deputy Fife! I'm armed and if you don't go home, I might just take a shot at you
[another rock come flying through the window]
Barney Fife : Stop that!
[Another rock hits the window]
Briscoe Darling : Sheriff, tell your deputy to be quiet before he gets us all stoned to death!
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Barney Fife : Just look at him!
[points at Ernest T. Bass in a cell]
Andy Taylor : He's a challenge.
Barney Fife : He's a mess!
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Barney Fife : Now, men, here at the rock we have two main rules. Remember them so you can say them in your sleep. Rule number one: obey all rules. Secondly do not write on the walls as it is very difficult to remove writing off of walls.
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Barney Fife : I'll say it right to your face, Otis, you've got a pickled liver!
Otis Campbell : Well, it's better than having a pickled puss!
Barney Fife : Oh, yeah?
Otis Campbell : Yeah!
Andy Taylor : Boys, stop it!
Otis Campbell : Well, he started it!
Barney Fife : I did not start it, he started it!
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Barney Fife : [through a megaphone while directing the cave rescue] Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their neighbor! Repeat! Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their neighbor!
