- [Newkirk and Carter are found near the camp fence]
- Colonel Klink: Schultz, into the cooler they go. Throw away the key.
- Carter: Don't we get a trial or anything?
- Colonel Klink: This is Germany. Although I do appreciate your sense of humor.
- Schultz: [Klink is in prison awaiting a possible execution] I have some good news and bad news.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: This time tell me the good news first.
- Schultz: You are going to be executed in the morning.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: Then what's the bad news?
- Schultz: They aren't giving you a blindfold.
- Colonel Klink: [runs to the window and shouts outside] Schultz! Close the gates! The War is back on!
- Hogan: [the phone rings while Hogan's men are cracking a safe] Answer the phone, tell him it's the wrong number.
- Carter: [answers the phone in a mock-German accent] I'm sorry, you've got the wrong number.
- [pause]
- Carter: So what if you haven't told me who you're calling yet? No matter who you're calling it's still the wrong number because I don't even have a phone!
- [Hogan impersonating Gestapo and holds up a General at gunpoint]
- General: What is this, you are not Gestapo?
- Hogan: Lucky for you, we're going to get you out of this country.
- General: But I don't want to leave the country.
- Hogan: After your supply factory is blown up and the Gestapo blame you and you still want to stay?
- General: I'm coming with you.
- [a German guard is fending off POW Newkirk from a restricted area]
- Guard: Nein!
- Newkirk: Oh no, must be half past ten by now.
- [repeated line]
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: [on telephone] What was that?
- [pause]
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: [muttering and weakly saluting] Oh yes, heil Hitler.
- Hogan: [Hogan and Newkirk pose as German officers in a Nazi building] Take this man's name down, have him transferred to the Russian front!
- Newkirk: Jawohl, Herr General! Heil Hitler!
- Germans: [frantically] Heil Hitler!
- Officer: [approaches Hogan] Might I assist you?
- Hogan: [pointing at officer] This man is to be court martialed and *shot!*
- Officer: But Herr General, I've not even greeted you yet!
- Hogan: That's why! You're too slow!
- [Hogan pretends to have passed out from drinking]
- Colonel Klink: [to Burkhalter] ... Disgraceful. Can't hold their liquor. Can't finish wars they start.
- Leslie Smythe-Beddoes: [Hogan pretends to be a Nazi sympathizer to get on German radio and discredit propagandist Leslie Smythe-Beddoes] You read Mein Kampf, I believe.
- Hogan: Oh, yeah. You know that guy, Hitler, who wrote it? A lot of people say that just because he wears that silly mustache the book's a big joke...
- General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter: [to Klink and Schultz] You two are the only ones that could bring the Third Reich to it's knees.
- Colonel Klink: When I looked out the window I thought I saw a chimpanzee raking in the garden.
- Hogan: Well if it makes you feel any better, sir, there IS a chimpanzee raking in the garden.
- Colonel Klink: WHAT?
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: [annoyed] Colonel Hogan, I'm very busy this morning - dispatches from Berlin. What is it?
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: I want to register a complaint on behalf of my men.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: [sarcastically] Really? A complaint. Not sufficient entertainment, perhaps.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: No, you're funny enough.
- Colonel Klink: [trying to demoralize Hogan after air-raid] ... No damage was done and your bombers suffered severe losses at the hands of our illustrious Luftwaffe.
- Schultz: [walking in to the office introducing a Captain] Herr Kommandant, this is Captain Müller. He barely escaped the terrible raid!
- Colonel Klink: That raid was a complete failure!
- Schultz: No, Herr Kommandant! They knocked the stuffing out of the Messerschmitt factory and got away from the Luftwaffe!
- Hogan: Illustrious Luftwaffe.
- Schultz: Illustrious Luft...
- Colonel Klink: Shultz!
- [in an argument with a captain about safehousing a truck and cargo]
- Colonel Klink: I'm afraid I cannot accommodate you, Captain. Please take your truck and its cargo some other place.
- Captain: I have orders.
- [Hands over papers with orders to Klink]
- Colonel Klink: The only orders that I am interested in are my own orders.
- [Klink in a casual tone starts reading to himself the captain's orders paper]
- Colonel Klink: "All ranks are ordered to extend complete cooperation, assist without question. Ahmmm. Failure... punishment execution by firing squad. Signed General Jodl for the Führer."
- [energetically and enthusiastically gets up off his chair and shakes the captain's hand]
- Colonel Klink: Glad to have you with us, Captain.
- [Klink brags that he is in tip-top physical shape]
- General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter: Physical fitness is one thing. Mental fitness, that's another.
- General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter: I never want to hear about the Air Corps again!
- [Col. Klink starts playing the Air Corps Hymn on his violin]
- General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter: You will have a fair trial...
- General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter: Then you will be shot!