Gene Wilder: Willy Wonka
Photos
Quotes
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Mrs. Gloop : Don't just stand there, do something!
Willy Wonka : [unenthusiastically] Help. Police, Murder.
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Willy Wonka : Try some more. The strawberries taste like strawberries, and the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Veruca Salt : Snozzberries? Who ever heard of a snozzberry?
Willy Wonka : [grabbing Veruca's mouth and pinching it a bit to hold it open] *We* are the music makers... and *we* are the dreamers of dreams.
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Willy Wonka : The suspense is terrible... I hope it'll last.
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Willy Wonka : There's no earthly way of knowing/Which direction they are going... There's no knowing where they're rowing...
Mr. Salt : [weakly echoing] Rowing...
Willy Wonka : Or which way the river's flowing... Is it raining, is it snowing?/Is a hurricane a-blowing?
[sharp gasp]
Willy Wonka : Not a speck of light is showing/So the danger must be growing... Are the fires of Hell a-glowing?/Is the grisly Reaper mowing?/Yes! The danger must be growing/'Cause the rowers keep on rowing/
[practically screaming]
Willy Wonka : And they're certainly not showing/Any sign that they are slowing!
[lets out a high-pitched, almost unearthly scream]
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Willy Wonka : How did you like the chocolate factory, Charlie?
Charlie : I think it's the most wonderful place in the whole world!
Willy Wonka : I'm very pleased to hear you say that, because I'm giving it to you.
Grandpa Joe : [sounding shocked] You're giving Charlie the...?
Willy Wonka : I can't go on forever, and I don't really want to try. So who can I trust to run the factory when I leave and take care of the Oompa Loompas for me? Not a grown up. A grown up would want to do everything his own way, not mine. So that's why I decided a long time ago that I had to find a child. A very honest, loving child, to whom I could tell all my most precious candy making secrets.
Charlie : So that's why you sent out the golden tickets!
Willy Wonka : That's right. So the factory is yours, Charlie. You can move in immediately.
Grandpa Joe : And me?
Willy Wonka : Absolutely.
Charlie : But what happens to the rest...?
Willy Wonka : The whole family. I want you to bring them all.
[Willy and Charlie hug]
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Willy Wonka : [into Mr. Salt's ear, singing softly] A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men.
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Mr. Salt : What is this, Wonka? Some kind of funhouse?
Willy Wonka : [glances back at him] Why? Are you having fun?
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Willy Wonka : So much time and so little to do. Wait a minute. Strike that. Reverse it. Thank you.
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Willy Wonka : [touching the gobstopper Charlie has just set on his desk] So shines a good deed in a weary world.
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Mr. Salt : [noticing signs on vats] Wonka. Butterscotch? Buttergin? Got a little something going on the side?
Willy Wonka : Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.
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Mrs. Gloop : [Augustus is now sucked into the suction pipe which takes him to the vertical pipe] He can't swim.
Willy Wonka : There's no better time to learn.
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Mrs. Gloop : He's gone! He'll be made into marshmallows in five seconds.
Willy Wonka : Impossible, my dear lady! That's absurd! Unthinkable!
Mrs. Gloop : Why?
Willy Wonka : Because that pipe doesn't go to the marshmallow room, it goes to the fudge room!
Mrs. Gloop : You terrible man!
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Willy Wonka : Where is fancy bred, in the heart or in the head?
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[last lines]
Willy Wonka : But Charlie, don't forget what happened to the man who suddenly got everything he always wanted.
Charlie : What happened?
Willy Wonka : He lived happily ever after.
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Willy Wonka : [singing] If you want to view paradise, simply look around and view it. Anything you want to, do it; want to change the world... there's nothing to it.
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Charlie : Mr. Wonka, they won't really be burned in the furnace, will they?
Willy Wonka : Hm... well, I think that furnace is only lit every other day, so they have a good sporting chance, haven't they?
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Grandpa Joe : Mr. Wonka?
Willy Wonka : [pointedly ignoring him and Charlie] I am extraordinarily busy, sir.
Grandpa Joe : [tentatively] I just wanted to ask about the chocolate. The-the lifetime supply of chocolate, for Charlie. Wh-When does he get it?
Willy Wonka : He doesn't.
Grandpa Joe : Why not?
Willy Wonka : Because he broke the rules.
Grandpa Joe : What rules? We didn't see any rules, did we, Charlie?
[Charlie shakes his head briefly]
Willy Wonka : [springs up from his chair, angrily] Wrong, sir! Wrong! Under section 37B of the contract signed by him, it states quite clearly that all offers shall become null and void if - and you can read it for yourself in this photostatic copy:
[grabs a magnifying glass and reads]
Willy Wonka : I, the undersigned, shall forfeit all rights, privileges, and licenses herein and herein contained, et cetera, et cetera... Fax mentis incendium gloria cultum, et cetera, et cetera... Memo bis punitor delicatum!
[slams the contract copy and the magnifying glass down, continues shouting]
Willy Wonka : It's all there, black and white, clear as crystal! You stole fizzy lifting drinks! You bumped into the ceiling which now has to be washed and sterilized, so you get nothing! You lose! Good day, sir!
[turns back to his work]
Grandpa Joe : [shocked] You're a crook. You're a cheat and a swindler! That's what you are!
[angrily]
Grandpa Joe : How could you do a thing like this, build up a little boy's hopes and then smash all his dreams to pieces? You're an inhuman monster!
Willy Wonka : [shouts even louder] I said good day!
Grandpa Joe : Come on, Charlie, let's get out of here. I'll get even with him if it's the last thing I'll ever do. If Slugworth wants a Gobstopper, he'll get one.
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Violet Beauregarde : Well, they can't be real people.
Willy Wonka : Why, of course they're real people.
Mr. Salt : Stuff and nonsense!
Willy Wonka : No, Oompa Loompas.
The Group : [turning around] Oompa Loompas?
Willy Wonka : From Loompaland.
Mrs. Teevee : Loompaland? There's no such place.
Willy Wonka : Excuse me, dear lady, but...
Mrs. Teevee : Mr. Wonka, I am a teacher of geography.
Willy Wonka : Oh, well, then you know all about it and what a terrible country it is. Nothing but desolate wastes and fierce beasts. And the poor little Oompa Loompas were so small and helpless, they would get gobbled up right and left. A Wangdoodle would eat ten of them for breakfast and think nothing of it. And so, I said, "Come and live with me in peace and safety, away from all the Wangdoodles, and Hornswogglers, and Snozzwangers, and rotten, Vermicious Knids."
Mr. Salt : Snozzwangers? Vermicious Knids? What kind of rubbish is that?
Willy Wonka : I'm sorry, but all questions *must* be submitted in writing. And so, in the greatest of secrecy, I transported the entire population of Oompa Loompas to my factory here.
Veruca Salt : Hey, Daddy, *I* want an Oompa Loompa! I want you to get me an Oompa Loompa right away!
Mr. Salt : All right, Veruca, all right. I'll get you one before the day is out.
Veruca Salt : [whining] I want an Oompa Loompa now!
Violet Beauregarde : Can it, you nit!
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Willy Wonka : If the good Lord had intended us to walk, he wouldn't have invented roller skates.
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Mike Teevee : Look at me, I'm gonna be be the first person in the world to be sent by television!
Mrs. Teevee : Mike, get away from that thing!
Willy Wonka : [unenthusiastically] Stop. Don't. Come back.
Mike Teevee : Lights, camera, *action*!
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Willy Wonka : Hold your breath, make a wish, count to three.
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Willy Wonka : Well, fortunately, small boys are extremely springy and elastic. So I think we'll put him in my special taffy-pulling machine. That should do the trick.
[to an Oompa Loompa]
Willy Wonka : To the taffy-pulling room. You'll find the boy in his mother's purse. But be extremely careful.
Mrs. Teevee : Uh, T-T-Taffy? Wh-What's he saying?
[Oompa Loompa whispers to Wonka]
Willy Wonka : No, no. I won't hold you responsible.
Willy Wonka : [Mrs. Teavee suddenly passes out] And now, my dearest lady, it's time to say good-bye.
[Mrs. Teevee groans]
Willy Wonka : No, no, don't speak. For some moments in life, there are no words. Run along now.
[two Oompa Loompas drag the limp Mrs. Teevee out of the room]
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Mrs. Gloop : What a disgusting, dirty river!
Mr. Salt : Industrial waste, that. You've ruined your watershed Wonka: it's polluted.
Willy Wonka : It's chocolate.
Veruca Salt : That's chocolate?
Charlie : That's chocolate!
Violet Beauregarde : A chocolate river.
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Willy Wonka : It happens every time, they all become blueberries.
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Mrs. Gloop : You boiled him up, I know it.
Willy Wonka : Nil desperandum, my dear lady. Across the desert lies the promised land.
[Mrs. Gloop is led away to the fudge room]
Willy Wonka : Goodbye, Mrs. Gloop. Adieu. Aufwiedersehen. Gesundheit. Farewell.
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Willy Wonka : Don't you know what this is?
Violet Beauregarde : By gum, it's gum.
Willy Wonka : [happily, but sarcastically] Wrong! It's the most amazing, fabulous, sensational gum in the whole world.
Violet Beauregarde : What's so fab about it?
Willy Wonka : This little piece of gum is a three-course dinner.
Mr. Salt : Bull.
Willy Wonka : No, roast beef. But I haven't got it quite right yet.
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Willy Wonka : [making a mysterious formula] Invention, my dear friends, is 93% perspiration, 6% electricity, 4% evaporation, and 2% butterscotch ripple.
Mrs. Teevee : [as Mr. Wonka drinks the formula] That's 105%!
Mr. Beauregarde : Any good?
Willy Wonka : [smacks his lips, then speaks in falsetto] Yes.
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Mr. Salt : Wonka, how much do you want for the golden goose?
Willy Wonka : They're not for sale.
Mr. Salt : Name your price.
Willy Wonka : She can't have one.
Veruca Salt : Who says I can't?
Mr. Salt : The man with the funny hat.
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Willy Wonka : [after Veruca falls down the chute] She was a bad egg.
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Grandpa Joe : [viewing the Wonka-mobile being fueled] Mr. Wonka? Uh, what's that they're filling it up with?
Willy Wonka : Oh ginger ale, ginger pop, ginger beer, beer bubbles, bubbleade, bubblecola, double cola, double-bubble-burple-cola, and all the crazy carbonated stuff that tickles your nose. Few people realize what tremendous power there is in one of those things.
Grandpa Joe : [to Charlie] Sorry I asked.
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[Mr. Wonka puts a pair of football cleats into a vat]
Mr. Salt : What's that for?
Willy Wonka : Gives it a little kick.
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Mrs. Teevee : [as the Wonkatania starts to move] I think I'm going to be seasick!
Willy Wonka : [handing something to Mrs. Teevee] Here, take these.
Mrs. Teevee : What are they?
Willy Wonka : Rainbow drops. Suck them and you can spit in seven different colors!
Violet Beauregarde : [as she digs around in her nostril] Spitting's a dirty habit.
Willy Wonka : I know a worse one.
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Mr. Salt : Quite a nice little canoe you got there, Wonka.
Willy Wonka : All I ask is a tall ship and a star to sail her by. All aboard, everybody.
Mr. Salt : Ladies first, and that means Veruca.
Grandpa Joe : [to Charlie] If she's a lady, I'm a Vermicious Knid.
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[Willy Wonka and the group are still on the boat and are at the hallway outside the inventing room]
Willy Wonka : We're there.
Mrs. Teevee : Where?
Willy Wonka : Here. A small step for mankind, but a giant step for us. All ashore!
Mr. Beauregarde : Let me off this crate!
Mike Teevee : Now why don't they show stuff like that on T.V.?
Mrs. Teevee : I don't know.
Mr. Salt : What a nightmare.
Veruca Salt : Daddy, I do not want a boat like this.
[Charlie and Grandpa Joe look and read a sign at the door]
Charlie : Dairy cream...
Grandpa Joe : Whipped cream...
Charlie : Coffee cream...
Grandpa Joe : Vanilla cream...
Charlie , Grandpa Joe : Hair cream?
Willy Wonka : Meine Herrschaften, schenken Sie mir ihre aufmerksamkeit.
[Translation: My dominions, please give me your attention]
Mrs. Teevee : That's not French.
Willy Wonka : Sie kommen jetzt in den interessantesten und gleichzeitig geheimsten raum meiner fabrik.
[Translation: You have now come to the most interesting and, at the same time, the most secret room of my factory]
Mr. Salt : I can't take much more of this.
Willy Wonka : Meine Damen und Herren, der Inventing Room.
[Translation: Ladies and Gentlemen, The Inventing Room]
Willy Wonka : Now, remember: No messing about, no touching, no tasting, no telling.
Grandpa Joe : No telling what?
Willy Wonka : You see, all of my most secret inventions are cooking and simmering in here. Old Slugworth would give his false teeth to get inside for just five minutes, so don't touch a thing!
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Mrs. Teevee : I assume there's an accident indemnity clause.
Willy Wonka : Never between friends.
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Veruca Salt : [to Mr. Salt] I want to go in! Don't you dare stop me!
Mr. Salt : I'm only trying to help you, sweetheart.
Veruca Salt : [to Violet] Give me that pen!
[Veruca grabs the pen from Violet]
Veruca Salt : [to Mr. Salt] You're always making things difficult.
[signs the contract]
Willy Wonka : [admiringly] Nicely handled, Veruca! Now there's a girl who knows where she's going.
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[Willy Wonka greets Charlie and Grandpa Joe at the gates of the WONKA factory]
Willy Wonka : And who is this gentleman?
Charlie : My grandfather, Grandpa Joe.
Willy Wonka : [vigorously shaking Grandpa Joe's hand] Delighted to meet you, sir. Overjoyed, enraptured, entranced. Are we ready? Yes, good. In we go.
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Willy Wonka : [Showing off his geese that lay golden eggs] They're laying overtime right now, for Easter.
Mike Teevee : But Easter's over!
Willy Wonka : [clapping a hand over Mike's mouth] Ssshhh!
[quietly]
Willy Wonka : They don't know that. I'm trying to get ahead for next year.
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Charlie Bucket : Mr. Wonka, what'll happen to the other kids? Augustus, Veruca?
Willy Wonka : My dear boy, I promise you they'll be quite all right. When they leave here, they'll be completely restored to their normal, terrible old selves. But maybe they'll be a little bit wiser for the wear. Anyway, don't worry about them.
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[Wonka walks down the hall which gets shorter as it goes on in the skewed perspective room]
Charlie : Hey, the room is getting smaller.
Mrs. Teevee : No, it's not. He's getting bigger!
Mr. Salt : He's at it again!
Mike Teevee : Where's the chocolate?
Mr. Beauregarde : I doubt if there is any.
Mr. Salt : I doubt if any of us will get out of here alive.
Willy Wonka : Oh, you should never, never doubt what nobody is sure about.
Mrs. Gloop : You're not squeezing me through that tiny door!
Mr. Salt : You're off your bleeding nut, Wonka. No one can get through there!
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Willy Wonka : [singing] There is no life I know to compare with pure imagination. Living there, you'll be free if you truly wish to be.
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Willy Wonka : No other factory in the world mixes its chocolate by waterfall.
[gently whispering in Mr. Salt's ear]
Willy Wonka : But it's the only way if you want it just right.
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Willy Wonka : Bubbles, bubbles everywhere, but not a drop to drink - yet.
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Willy Wonka : [referring to the soda-powered Wonkamobile] Behold the Wonkamobile. A thing of beauty is a joy forever.
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Willy Wonka : Now over here, if you'll follow me, I have something rather special to show you.
Mr. Salt : It's special all right, I only hope my Veruca doesn't want one.
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Charlie : [after eating the now-shrunken Wonka bar] It's perfect.
Mrs. Teevee : It's unbelievable!
Grandpa Joe : It's a miracle!
Mike Teevee : It's a TV dinner!
Willy Wonka : It's Wonkavision.
Grandpa Joe : It could change the world!
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Veruca Salt : [after Willy gives an Everlasting Gobstopper to each of the kids] Hey, she's got two! I want another one!
Violet Beauregarde : [showing her Gobstopper to Veruca] Stop squawking, you twit!
Willy Wonka : [making it clear he's not going to stand for the girls' bickering] Everybody has had ONE, and ONE is enough for anybody. Now come along.
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Willy Wonka : It's a musical lock.
[begins playing Mozart's 'Marriage Of Figaro']
Mrs. Teevee : Rachmaninoff.
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Charlie : Hey Grandpa, what was that we just went through?
Willy Wonka : Hsaw Aknow.
Mrs. Teevee : Is that Japanese?
Willy Wonka : No, that's Wonka wash, spelled backwards. That's it, ladies and gentlemen, the journey's over!
Grandpa Joe : Finest bath, I've had in twenty years!
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Willy Wonka : Well, well, well, two naughty, *nasty* little children gone. Three good, sweet little children left.
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Willy Wonka : [revving the motor of the soft-drink powered Wonkamobile] Swifter than eagles! Stronger than lions!
[the Wonkamobile spurts foam at him]
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Willy Wonka : Little surprises around every corner, but nothing dangerous. So don't be alarmed. As soon as your outer vestments are at hand, we'll begin.
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Willy Wonka : [singing] In springtime, the only pretty ring time, birds sing hey ding... a-ding, a-ding, sweet lovers love... the spring.
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Augustus Gloop : [urgently] Let me in, I'm starving!
Willy Wonka : Now, don't get excited. Don't lose your head, Augustus. We don't want anybody to lose that.
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Mrs. Gloop : Help, Mr. Wonka, help! I'm getting squashed. Save me!
Willy Wonka : Is it my soul that calls upon my name?
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[opening lock]
Willy Wonka : Ninety-nine, forty-four, one hundred percent pure. Just through the other door, please.
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Willy Wonka : I take very good care of my guests.
Mr. Beauregarde : Yeah, you took real good care of that August kid.
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Willy Wonka : And almost everything you'll see is eatable, edible. I mean, you can eat almost everything.
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Willy Wonka : [Dropping an old-fashioned alarm clock into a vat of some sort of candy mixture] Time is a precious thing. Never waste it.
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Willy Wonka : [In the Wonkavator] Faster, faster; if we don't pick up enough speed, we'll never get through!
Charlie : Get through what?
Willy Wonka : Aha!
Grandpa Joe : You mean we're going...?
Willy Wonka : Up and out!
Grandpa Joe : But this roof is made of glass! It'll shatter into a thousand pieces! We'll be cut to ribbons!
Willy Wonka : Probably.
[Charlie begins to look nervous]
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Veruca Salt : [Introducing herself to Willy Wonka] I'm Veruca Salt.
Willy Wonka : [shaking Veruca's hand] My dear Veruca, what a pleasure! And how pretty you look in that lovely mink coat.
Veruca Salt : [sounding proud] I've got three others at home!
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Willy Wonka : This is the great glass Wonkavator.
Grandpa Joe : It's an elevator.
Willy Wonka : It's a Wonkavator. An elevator can only go up and down, but the Wonkavator can go sideways, and slantways, and longways, and backways...
Charlie : And frontways?
Willy Wonka : ...and squareways, and front ways, and any other ways that you can think of. It can take you to any room in the whole factory just by pressing one of these buttons. Any of these buttons. Just press a button, and *zing*! You're off. And up until now, I've pressed them all... except one.
[gestures to a button near the top of the Wonkavator]
Willy Wonka : This one. Go ahead, Charlie.
Charlie : Me?
[Willy Wonka nods as Charlie presses the button]
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Willy Wonka : The Egg-dicator can tell the difference between a good egg and a bad egg. If it's a good egg, it's shined up and shipped out all over the world. But if it's a bad egg, down the chute.
Grandpa Joe : [whispering to Charlie] It's an educated Egg-dicator.
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Willy Wonka : I don't understand it. The children are disappearing like rabbits. Well, we still have each other. Shall we press on?
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Mr. Salt : Where is she going?
Willy Wonka : Where all the other bad eggs go, down the garbage chute.
Mr. Salt : [laughs] Oh, the garbage chute. Where does it lead to?
Willy Wonka : To the furnace.
Mr. Salt : [laughs] The furnace! She'll be sizzled like a sausage.
Willy Wonka : No, not necessarily. She could be stuck just inside the tube.
Mr. Salt : Inside the...
[he starts suddenly in shock and runs]
Mr. Salt : Hold on! Veruca! Sweetheart! Daddy's coming!
[dives down the chute]
Willy Wonka : There'll to be a lot of garbage today.
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Mr. Salt : You sure this thing'll float, eh, Wonka?
Willy Wonka : With your buoyancy, sir, rest assured.
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Willy Wonka : [telling the group about Everlasting Gobstoppers] You can suck them and suck them and suck them and they'll never get any smaller. Never!
[pauses, then speaks softly, almost to himself]
Willy Wonka : At least I don't think they do. A few more tests.
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Willy Wonka : [showing the group the gum machine] Now over here, if you'll follow me, we have something rather special.
Mr. Salt : It's special, all right. I only hope my Veruca doesn't want one!
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Willy Wonka : [Wonka knows Charlie and Grandpa Joe stole from him] Oh, yes. Well, I hope you enjoyed yourselves. Excuse me for not showing you out. Straight up the stairs. You'll find the way. I'm terribly busy. Whole day wasted. Goodbye to you both. Goodbye.
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Willy Wonka : Oh you can't get out backwards, you have to go forwards to go back.
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Willy Wonka : [Last line] Be sure to bring your family with you. And Charlie, Don't forget about the man suddenly gets everything he ever wanted.
Charlie Bucket : What happened to him?
Willy Wonka : He lived happily ever after.
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Willy Wonka : [as Violet snatches the gum from his hand] Oh! I wouldn't do that. I really wouldn't.
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Willy Wonka : 'Round the world and home again, that's the sailor's way.
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Mr. Beauregarde : [looks shocked when Violet begins swelling] Violet, what are you doing now? You're blowing up!
Violet Beauregarde : I feel funny.
[her belt pops off her expanding abdomen]
Grandpa Joe : I'm not surprised.
Violet Beauregarde : [continues expanding] What's happening?
Mr. Beauregarde : You're blowing up like a balloon!
Willy Wonka : Like a blueberry.
Mr. Beauregarde : Somebody, do something. Call the doctor!
[Mike Teevee poking at Violet's expanding body]
Mrs. Teevee : Stick her with a pin.
Charlie : She'll pop!
Willy Wonka : It happens every time, they all become blueberries.
Mr. Beauregarde : You've really done it this time, haven't you, Wonka. I'll break you for this.
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Willy Wonka : You can't get out backwards. You got to go forwards to go back. Better press on.
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Oompa Loompa : [whispers to Wonka] Will I be held responsible if anything goes wrong?
Willy Wonka : No, no. I won't hold you responsible.
