Sanford and Son (1972–1978)

Redd Foxx: Fred G. Sanford, Ebenezer Scrooge, Self

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Officer Swanhauser : Was the suspect colored?

  Fred Sanford : Yeah, white.

• Aunt Esther : My body was blessed by Mother Nature, honey.

  Fred Sanford : And as you got older, it was cursed by Father Time.

• Fred Sanford : Who is it?

  Aunt Esther : It's Esther!

  Fred Sanford : Esther who?

  Aunt Esther : You know Esther who! Open this door fool!

  Fred Sanford : I can't open the door!

  Aunt Esther : Why not?

  Fred Sanford : You too ugly!

• Aunt Esther : Woodrow and I are going to have a baby.

  Fred Sanford : Well somebody better call the zoo.

• Fred Sanford : For a dummy, you make a lot of sense.

• Fred Sanford : Let's do like they did in the Bible: Moses spread his arms out and the Red Sea divided.

  Lamont Sanford : So we're gonna do like Moses?

  Fred Sanford : No, we're gonna do like the Red Sea and split.

• Fred Sanford : Who is it?

  Lamont Sanford : It's the phone company. They say that if we don't pay the bill, they're gonna cut it off.

  Fred Sanford : Gimmie that. Hello? Yes, this is Fred Sanford. Yeah, the phone is listed in my name. Say listen, what makes you folks think you can call me and cut somebody's phone off just because they're a little behind in their bill? Listen, I need my phone for my place of business. That's right, I wish one of you would come over here and try to cut my phone off. I'd put my foot in your - Hello?

• Fred Sanford : Listen, Son, I kow everything that's going on here and that's your business.

  Lamont Sanford : I was hoping you'd understand...

  Fred Sanford : If you wanna be down here with that girl, that's your business. I mean, if you wanna be hugging and kissing all night, that's your business.

  Lamont Sanford : I appreciate it...

  Fred Sanford : But when she smacks your face and the police come here and arrest me for harboring a sex maniac, then that's MY business. So you get her the hell out of here.

• Lamont Sanford : What's the matter with you, man?

  Fred Sanford : Didn't you read the paper?

  Lamont Sanford : No. What happened?

  Fred Sanford : Well look here: Lucy stole Linus' blanket and hid it in Snoopy's dog house.

  Lamont Sanford : I'm glad you told me, now I won't have to watch the 11:00 news.

• Aunt Esther : Who you calling ugly, sucker?

  Fred Sanford : I'm calling you ugly, I could push your face in some dough and make gorilla cookies.

• [clutching his chest dramatically] 

  Fred Sanford : Oh, this is the biggest one I ever had. You hear that Elizabeth? I'm coming to join you honey.

• Aunt Esther : Fred Sanford, the wrath of God will strike you down.

  Fred Sanford : And this Louisville slugger will knock you out.

• Lamont Sanford : You know what they say, the truth will set you free.

  Fred Sanford : Your uncle Edgar told the truth, and the judge gave him six months.

• Fred Sanford : On behalf of Elizabeth, would you care for something to eat?

  Aunt Esther : Oh I wouldn't mind a little snack.

  Fred Sanford : Son, go in the kitchen and fix your Aunt Esther a fish-head sandwich!

• Aunt Esther : Fred Sanford why is it every time I come over to your house you call me ugly?

  Fred Sanford : Because I'm not the type to lie.

• Fred Sanford : Goodbye, dear

  Aunt Esther : Oh, you called me dear.

  Fred Sanford : Why shouldn't I call you DEER? You look like Bambi's father!

• Fred Sanford : [Officer Hopkins helps Grady inside]  What's the matter, Grady?

  Officer 'Hoppy' Hopkins : It's really nothing much to be concerned about, Mr. Sanford. He's merely experiencing a mild gastrointestinal imbalance precipitated by acute anti-gravitational pull in the lower abdominal cavity.

  Grady Wilson : I gotta throw up!

• Julio : Buenos Dias, Mr. Sanford.

  Fred Sanford : And beans and disease to you, too.

• Donna Harris : Where are you going?

  Fred Sanford : [drunk]  St. Louis. On the banks of the Misississippi. M-I-S... I-S-S... M-O-U-S-E.

• Grady : I ain't givin you nothing you stubborn bull headed old buzzard.

  Fred Sanford : Who you calling old?

• Fred Sanford : I still want to sow some wild oats.

  Lamont Sanford : At your age, you don't have no wild oats, you got shredded wheat.

• Fred Sanford : Listen, Esther. In the first place, you can't enter that contest because your not eligible. See one of the things you have to be is a part of a certain race.

  Woody Anderson : What race?

  Fred Sanford : Human!

• Fred Sanford : All you got to do is enlist Esther in the Navy. And that way, you can have her face buried at sea!

• Lamont Sanford : She's gonna be competing with her own peers.

  Fred Sanford : Her Peers?

  Lamont Sanford : Yes.

  Fred Sanford : You mean Godzilla is in the contest?

• [Referring to Donna and Esther, respectively] 

  Fred Sanford : Here are my two most favorite characters from a fairy tale: Beauty and the Beast.

• [Fred comes home drunk] 

  Aunt Esther : Fred Sanford, you just a messy fool.

  Fred Sanford : And you just a sessy pool.

• Aunt Esther : Today is my lucky day.

  Fred Sanford : Why? Did you look at yourself in the mirror and it didn't break?

• Lamont Sanford : [Lamont complains that Fred isn't a good businessman]  A six-year-old does better business than you!

  Fred Sanford : Well, pretty soon you won't have to deal with me any more, I'll be joinin' your mother, and you can get a six-year-old to replace me, and it won't be Sanford and Son anymore, it'll be Big Dummy and Little Dummy Inc!

• Fred Sanford : [to Aunt Esther]  I warn you, woman, vengeance is among me! And ugly is among you.

• Fred Sanford : Oooo... Its the Big One... You hear that Elizabeth... I'm comin' to you, I'm comin' home to Georgia

• Fred Sanford : I'm 65. People say I look 55. I feel 45. I'd settle for 35 and you make me feel 25.

• Fred Sanford : [about Esther]  This is our plumber but you can see that the pipes have backed up into her face.

• Officer Hopkins : How do you spell that, Honkey?

  Fred Sanford : Uh Y T!

  Officer Hopkins : Y T?

  Fred Sanford : Yeah! Say it again!

  Officer Hopkins : Y T Y T...

  Fred Sanford : Whitey!

• Lamont Sanford : [about his cologne]  It's called "A Day in Paris".

  Fred Sanford : Smells more like "A Night in El Segundo".

• Fred Sanford : [singing]  I'm Popeye the Sailor Man/I'm Popeye the Sailor Man/I like to go swimmin'/With bowlegged women/I'm Popeye the Sailor Man.

• [Fred has fallen asleep while writing out his will. Lamont goes beside of Fred, which wakes him] 

  Fred Sanford : And the tall dummy I see before me, I leave to the San Francisco Zoo!

• [Julio has been robbed overnight, and Fred saw the robbers but is refusing to cooperate] 

  Officer Smith : Mr. Sanford, by turning these men in, you give them the opportunity to be rehabilitated.

  Fred Sanford : Yeah, but that'll give them the opportunity to have me decapitated!

• Fred Sanford : Ain't you got some work to do, Oleo?

  Julio : The name is Julio, Mr. Stanford.

  Fred Sanford : It's "Sanford", Julio.

  Julio : Okay, then.

  Fred Sanford : Why don't you clean your yard up? Go take a bath. Go milk your goat.

  Julio : I did all that this morning, man.

  Fred Sanford : Well, why don't you go back to Puerto Rico?

  Julio : Mr. Sanford, I told you. I come from New York City. And I can live in any 50 states that I want.

  Fred Sanford : Well, how about Alaska? That's a state.

• Aunt Esther : I cant believe it, you with a mop in your hand? Its about time you faced up to this mess.

  Fred Sanford : Speaking of facing up to this mess, who messed up this face.

• Fred Sanford : You just dumb, son. You just dumb.

• Melvin : Did you listen to your father?

  Fred Sanford : Every time he raised that strap, he had my complete attention.

• Fred Sanford : For $500 dollars, I can turn Euell Gibbons into a meatloaf freak!

• Aunt Esther : What's wrong with my posture?

  Fred Sanford : It's full of prune pits!

• Fred Sanford : Polly-Esther - that's you. Half woman, half parrot!

• Lamont Sanford : These two Russian seismologists said they've discovered a new fault.

  Fred Sanford : Well what was wrong with the old one?

• [repeated line] 

  Fred Sanford : How would you like one across yo lip?

• Fred Sanford : I think this guy was a Nazi, he started saying

  [speaks fake German] 

  Fred Sanford : And Nazi's got those salutes, "Hi, Hitler!"

  [pokes out arm and waves fingers] 

• Officer Hopkins : When we're finished, people will be able to walk down the streets safely in Los Angeles.

  Fred Sanford : Yeah they can walk in Los Angeles, but they'll still be running in Watts.

• Lamont Sanford : [Holding a dented hub cap]  Do I put this in H.C.: Hub Cap.

  Fred Sanford : No, you put that in G.C.: Garbage Can.

• Fred Sanford : [sees Esther in the Sanford Arms]  No animals allowed in here.

  Aunt Esther : Why you...

  Mrs. Hopkins : [to Esther]  Let me handle this.

  Mrs. Hopkins : [to Fred]  Watch it, sucka!

• Fred Sanford : [to white bank teller]  I'd like to make a deposit.

  WhiteBankTeller : OK. How much?

  Fred Sanford : [shakes fist]  How bout five in your mouth?

• Lamont Sanford : Pop, that's what the welfare thing was setup for: for people in financial trouble. What do you think we pay taxes for? We'd just be taking advantage of something that was setup for people like us.

  Fred Sanford : What do you mean 'people like us'?

  Lamont Sanford : Poor people. The have nots.

  Fred Sanford : The have nots? Well if the have nots could get something from the haves and the haves gave the have nots half of what they have, then the haves would still be the haves but the have nots would be the have somethings.

• Fred Sanford : [on the phone; In Japanese accent]  I calling to tell you that we are not going to buy any property in your brock for the brewery and it's not Fled's "flault". No, it's not Fled's "flault"... Fled. Fled! FRED, you big, dumb Puerto Rican!

  [hangs up] 

• Aunt Esther : We're not going to have this baby like you had Lamont.

  Fred Sanford : You gonna to have this baby on purpose?

• Fred Sanford : Tell him in Puerto Rican - "Goat-o, get out of el house-o."

• Fred Sanford : [to Lamont about his date]  She's a lush and you a dummy. My granbaby will be a lummy

• Fred Sanford : Grady, why are you my friend?

  Grady : I don't know

  Fred Sanford : I don't know either.

• Lamont Sanford : That's the way it used to be, Pop, now adays they give you one of them needles and you don't even know what hit you.

  Fred Sanford : Oh, now I know I ain't going.

  Lamont Sanford : Why not?

  Fred Sanford : Are you kidding? A needle. I don't wanna get hooked on that stuff. It'd change me from Friendly Fred to Junkie Joe.

• Fred Sanford : My name's Fred Sanford. That's S-A-N-F-O-R-D period.

• [repeated line] 

  Fred Sanford : You big dummy.

• Girl #1 : [Fred has put up Lamont's room for rent while he's in Mexico. A pregnant woman knocks on his door to request the room]  Hello!

  Fred Sanford : [looks at her stomach]  Hello to both of you.

• [Lamont bought 2 coffins at an auction and is trying to convince Fred of their worth] 

  Lamont Sanford : C'mon pop, we're gonna make a killin' on these.

  Fred Sanford : Well then why don't you make two killin's and get them outta here.

• Lamont Sanford : This house was always damp, even my bed was damp.

  Fred Sanford : Now you can't go blaming that on me.

• Fred Sanford : Some people just shake'n bake, but I buy'n fry.

• [Fred is showing Lamont a photo album] 

  Fred Sanford : Lamont, this is you as a baby... you had to be the ugliest baby alive.

• Fred Sanford : That's what they do. Them welfare people look under your bed, down your throat and up your mattress. And while they're prowling, your stomach's growling.

• Skeeter Matthews : You must be Poppa Sanford.

  Fred Sanford : No, I'm Mama Cass.

• Bubba : Say Fred, that's one of them Superman suits ain't it?

  Fred : Superfly Bubba, Superfly.

• Lamont Sanford : [has discovered Fred cheats on his taxes]  Why only put $200? Why not $1,000? Or $2,000? $10,000? Why not even a million?

  Fred Sanford : That's good. Put that down, Calvin.

  Lamont Sanford : Pop, if you put that, you go to jail.

  Fred Sanford : Take that off, Calvin.

• Calvin : How's your voice?

  Fred Sanford : I'm a little hoarse.

  Calvin : [points to his horse]  So is he. Ha ha ha.

• Fred Sanford : Nope that's not Elizabeth. Too young, Too white.

• Fred Sanford : Ow my heart. I think I'm having a heart attack. You hear that Elizabeth I'm coming to join you honey. Your dummy son has made me a wooden overcoat. Oh, Elizabeth.

  Lamont Sanford : Whats the matter with you?

• Fred Sanford : Ester what are you doing here?

  Aunt Esther : What do you mean what am I doing here?

  Fred Sanford : Well Wolfwoman don't come out till there's a full moon.

• Fred Sanford : My my poor couch. I bet you never been sat on by a buffalo!

• Aunt Esther : Now Fred

  Fred Sanford : Yes Sir?

  Aunt Esther : Your neice is in town.

  Fred Sanford : What neice?

  Aunt Esther : WHAT NEICE? YOU'R ONLY NEICE and she is here to go to college.

• Fred Sanford : [Fred tells Lamont about his $500 giveaway idea]  This idea is going to put us on easy street...

  Lamont Sanford : Is that where the poor house is located?

• Fred Sanford : Take out the trash Rollo.

  Rollo Larson : Where is it Mr. Sanford?

  Fred Sanford : It's in your shoes!

• Fred Sanford : [to Ah Chew and Esther]  My two favorite diseases in the same room. Yellow Jaundice and the Black Plague.

• Fred Sanford : [sees Esther]  There's got to be some mistake. This is not my Lena, this is someone's hyena.

• Fred Sanford : [calling the newspaper]  Hello? Is this the Herald Examiner? Well, lemme speak to Harold.

• Fred Sanford : A pool table like this in a store would cost you two hundred bucks.

  Otis : Well how much do you want for it?

  Fred Sanford : Two hundred bucks.

  Otis : I thought that's what you said it would cost in a store.

  Fred Sanford : Well, wha'choo think I'm runnin' here? A taco stand?

• Lamont Sanford : Look at this, Pop. Monday morning - bingo. Tuesday evening - Doctor Talbot's lecture on the cause and cure of constipation.

  Fred Sanford : Wednesday morning - bingo!

• Fred Sanford : I brought you somethin' too, Esther.

  Aunt Esther : Why, that's nothing but a clear piece of plastic.

  Fred Sanford : No, it ain't. Put it up to your face. That's your Hallowe'en mask.

• Lamont Sanford : Would you like a drink, Aunt Esther?

  Fred Sanford : No, she wouldn't like a drink.

  Aunt Esther : Why wouldn't I like a drink?

  Fred Sanford : Because you *are* a drink... a Zombie.

• Lamont Sanford : Pop, if we don'y pay our bills the bank is gonna kick us out of our house

  Fred Sanford : [Esther walks in]  Speaking of outhouses...

• Aunt Esther : Fred, I need your help.

  Fred Sanford : But, Esther, I'm a junkman, not a plastic surgeon.

  Aunt Esther : But, Fred, I need your truck.

  Fred Sanford : I agree. Son, take the truck and run over Esther's face.

• Fred Sanford : [Lamont is recovering from over-drinking]  You were so drunk last night, you hung your clothes up in the closet!

  Lamont Sanford : I always hang my clothes up in the closet.

  Fred Sanford : Yeah, but usually you take 'em off!

• Fred Sanford : [there's a knock at the door] 

  [to Lamont] 

  Fred Sanford : It's the door.

  Lamont Sanford : [sarcastically]  No kidding.

  Fred Sanford : Well?

  Lamont Sanford : Well, what?

  Fred Sanford : You want me to answer it?

  Lamont Sanford : No, have it framed and hang it on the wall.

• [Fred is getting a chest X-ray] 

  Nurse : Lean your shoulders against the wall. That's right.

  [slaps him on the rear] 

  Nurse : Tuck it in!

  Fred Sanford : I'll tuck it in if you tuck yours in!

• Fred Sanford : [Referring to Esther]  Excuse the mess. She was just leaving.

• Fred Sanford : I came up with an idea for a new show.

  Rollo Larson : What?

  Fred Sanford : Rollo Derby... I'm gonna skate all over your face!

• Fred Sanford : [Aunt Esther hugs Fred]  Don't do that... I haven't had my swine flu shot yet!

• Fred Sanford : I ain't afraid to give you one across the lips.

• Fred Sanford : [in court]  Look at the judge. He's a brother. We lucked out.

• Fred Sanford : [after Jones and Hoppy have left with the TV set]  I hope you're happy, Grady. I'm out of $50 bucks.

  Grady : [shouts]  You should not have sold my set!

  Fred Sanford : You're wrong, Grady. That was *my* set.