Sanford and Son (1972–1978)

Demond Wilson: Lamont Sanford, The Spirit of Christmas Future, The Spirit of Christmas Past, The Spirit of Christmas Present

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Fred Sanford : Let's do like they did in the Bible: Moses spread his arms out and the Red Sea divided.

  Lamont Sanford : So we're gonna do like Moses?

  Fred Sanford : No, we're gonna do like the Red Sea and split.

• Fred Sanford : Who is it?

  Lamont Sanford : It's the phone company. They say that if we don't pay the bill, they're gonna cut it off.

  Fred Sanford : Gimmie that. Hello? Yes, this is Fred Sanford. Yeah, the phone is listed in my name. Say listen, what makes you folks think you can call me and cut somebody's phone off just because they're a little behind in their bill? Listen, I need my phone for my place of business. That's right, I wish one of you would come over here and try to cut my phone off. I'd put my foot in your - Hello?

• Fred Sanford : Listen, Son, I kow everything that's going on here and that's your business.

  Lamont Sanford : I was hoping you'd understand...

  Fred Sanford : If you wanna be down here with that girl, that's your business. I mean, if you wanna be hugging and kissing all night, that's your business.

  Lamont Sanford : I appreciate it...

  Fred Sanford : But when she smacks your face and the police come here and arrest me for harboring a sex maniac, then that's MY business. So you get her the hell out of here.

• Lamont Sanford : What's the matter with you, man?

  Fred Sanford : Didn't you read the paper?

  Lamont Sanford : No. What happened?

  Fred Sanford : Well look here: Lucy stole Linus' blanket and hid it in Snoopy's dog house.

  Lamont Sanford : I'm glad you told me, now I won't have to watch the 11:00 news.

• Lamont Sanford : You know what they say, the truth will set you free.

  Fred Sanford : Your uncle Edgar told the truth, and the judge gave him six months.

• Lamont Sanford : Hi Grady!

  Grady : Outta my way Lamont.

  [to Fred] 

  Grady : You expect me to beleive a cock and bull story like that?

• Lamont Sanford : This is a pea coat.

  Bubba : Did you know that when you bought it?

• Fred Sanford : I still want to sow some wild oats.

  Lamont Sanford : At your age, you don't have no wild oats, you got shredded wheat.

• Lamont Sanford : She's gonna be competing with her own peers.

  Fred Sanford : Her Peers?

  Lamont Sanford : Yes.

  Fred Sanford : You mean Godzilla is in the contest?

• Lamont Sanford : [Lamont complains that Fred isn't a good businessman]  A six-year-old does better business than you!

  Fred Sanford : Well, pretty soon you won't have to deal with me any more, I'll be joinin' your mother, and you can get a six-year-old to replace me, and it won't be Sanford and Son anymore, it'll be Big Dummy and Little Dummy Inc!

• Lamont Sanford : [about his cologne]  It's called "A Day in Paris".

  Fred Sanford : Smells more like "A Night in El Segundo".

• Lamont Sanford : [on the phone with his employer]  What do you mean what am I doing home? I already worked an hour and a half overtime for you. Did you expect me to unload all those bath tubs by myself? I don't get that. Of course I want the j... But I... WHAT? Well you're a *white* one!

  [hangs up] 

• Lamont Sanford : Did you get the liquor Rollo?

  Rollo Larson : No, I can't right now.

  Lamont Sanford : Why not?

  Rollo Larson : The store's still open!

• Lamont Sanford : These two Russian seismologists said they've discovered a new fault.

  Fred Sanford : Well what was wrong with the old one?

• Lamont Sanford : [Holding a dented hub cap]  Do I put this in H.C.: Hub Cap.

  Fred Sanford : No, you put that in G.C.: Garbage Can.

• Lamont Sanford : Pop, that's what the welfare thing was setup for: for people in financial trouble. What do you think we pay taxes for? We'd just be taking advantage of something that was setup for people like us.

  Fred Sanford : What do you mean 'people like us'?

  Lamont Sanford : Poor people. The have nots.

  Fred Sanford : The have nots? Well if the have nots could get something from the haves and the haves gave the have nots half of what they have, then the haves would still be the haves but the have nots would be the have somethings.

• Grady : [Repeated lines between the two]  Oh nope. Nope! Nope! Nope!

  Lamont Sanford : What do you mean "Nope Nope Nope"?

• Lamont Sanford : That's the way it used to be, Pop, now adays they give you one of them needles and you don't even know what hit you.

  Fred Sanford : Oh, now I know I ain't going.

  Lamont Sanford : Why not?

  Fred Sanford : Are you kidding? A needle. I don't wanna get hooked on that stuff. It'd change me from Friendly Fred to Junkie Joe.

• Lamont Sanford : When a person has three heart attacks, he's dead. You had fifteen.

• [Lamont bought 2 coffins at an auction and is trying to convince Fred of their worth] 

  Lamont Sanford : C'mon pop, we're gonna make a killin' on these.

  Fred Sanford : Well then why don't you make two killin's and get them outta here.

• Lamont Sanford : This house was always damp, even my bed was damp.

  Fred Sanford : Now you can't go blaming that on me.

• Officer 'Hoppy' Hopkins : We better get down to the Nifty Grifty.

  Lamont Sanford : Nitty Gritty!

  Officer 'Hoppy' Hopkins : Nitty Gritty.

• Lamont Sanford : Grady, you're gonna be the first person in history to get busted for molesting a vegetable.

• Lamont Sanford : The first signs of marijuana use are the hungries, or munchies.

  Grady Wilson : Weren't they in The Wizard of Oz?

  Lamont Sanford : That's Munchkins.

• Lamont Sanford : [has discovered Fred cheats on his taxes]  Why only put $200? Why not $1,000? Or $2,000? $10,000? Why not even a million?

  Fred Sanford : That's good. Put that down, Calvin.

  Lamont Sanford : Pop, if you put that, you go to jail.

  Fred Sanford : Take that off, Calvin.

• Fred Sanford : Ow my heart. I think I'm having a heart attack. You hear that Elizabeth I'm coming to join you honey. Your dummy son has made me a wooden overcoat. Oh, Elizabeth.

  Lamont Sanford : Whats the matter with you?

• Officer 'Hoppy' Hopkins : We better SPIT!

  Lamont Sanford : THAT'S SPLIT!

• Fred Sanford : [Fred tells Lamont about his $500 giveaway idea]  This idea is going to put us on easy street...

  Lamont Sanford : Is that where the poor house is located?

• Lamont Sanford : Look at this, Pop. Monday morning - bingo. Tuesday evening - Doctor Talbot's lecture on the cause and cure of constipation.

  Fred Sanford : Wednesday morning - bingo!

• Lamont Sanford : Would you like a drink, Aunt Esther?

  Fred Sanford : No, she wouldn't like a drink.

  Aunt Esther : Why wouldn't I like a drink?

  Fred Sanford : Because you *are* a drink... a Zombie.

• Lamont Sanford : Pop, if we don'y pay our bills the bank is gonna kick us out of our house

  Fred Sanford : [Esther walks in]  Speaking of outhouses...

• Fred Sanford : [Lamont is recovering from over-drinking]  You were so drunk last night, you hung your clothes up in the closet!

  Lamont Sanford : I always hang my clothes up in the closet.

  Fred Sanford : Yeah, but usually you take 'em off!

• Fred Sanford : [there's a knock at the door] 

  [to Lamont] 

  Fred Sanford : It's the door.

  Lamont Sanford : [sarcastically]  No kidding.

  Fred Sanford : Well?

  Lamont Sanford : Well, what?

  Fred Sanford : You want me to answer it?

  Lamont Sanford : No, have it framed and hang it on the wall.