Fawlty Towers (1975–1979)

John Cleese: Basil Fawlty

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Basil Fawlty : Where's Sybil?

  Manuel : ¿Que?

  Basil Fawlty : Where's Sybil?

  Manuel : Where's... the bill?

  Basil Fawlty : No, not a bill! I own the place!

• Basil Fawlty : Your *name*, please, could I have your name?

  Lord Melbury : Melbury.

  [the phone rings; Basil picks it up] 

  Basil Fawlty : [to Melbury]  One second please.

  [to phone] 

  Basil Fawlty : Hello?... Ah, yes Mr O'Reilly, well it's perfectly simple. When I asked you to build me a wall I was rather hoping that instead of just dumping the bricks in a pile you might have found time to cement them together... you know, one on top of another, in the traditional fashion.

  [to Melbury, testily] 

  Basil Fawlty : Could you fill it in, please?

  [to phone] 

  Basil Fawlty : Oh, splendid! Ah, yes, but *when*, Mr O'Reilly?

  [to Melbury, who is having difficulty with the register] 

  Basil Fawlty : there - there!

  [to phone] 

  Basil Fawlty : Yes, but when? Yes, yes... ah!... the flu!

  [to Melbury] 

  Basil Fawlty : *Both* names, please.

  [to phone] 

  Basil Fawlty : Yes, I should have guessed, Mr. O'Reilly that and the potato famine I suppose...

  Lord Melbury : I beg your pardon?

  Basil Fawlty : Would you put *both* your names, please?...

  [to phone] 

  Basil Fawlty : Well, will you give me a *date*?

  Lord Melbury : Er... I only use one.

  Basil Fawlty : [with a withering look]  You don't have a first name?

  Lord Melbury : No, I am *Lord* Melbury, so I simply sign myself "Melbury".

  [there is a long, long pause] 

  Basil Fawlty : [to phone]  Go away.

  [puts phone down] 

  Basil Fawlty : ... I'm *so* sorry to have kept you waiting, your lordship... I *do* apologize, *please* forgive me. Now, was there something, is there something, anything, I can do for you? Anything at all?

• Sybil Fawlty : [on the phone]  I know... I know... I know... Oh, I know!

  Basil Fawlty : Then why is she telling you?

• Basil Fawlty : [about Sybil's laugh]  Sounds like somebody machine-gunning a seal.

• Basil Fawlty : Do you remember when we were first *manacled* together? We used to laugh quite a lot.

  Sybil Fawlty : Yes, but not at the same time, Basil.

  [she leaves him alone] 

  Basil Fawlty : Well, that was a warning, wasn't it? Zhoom! What was that? That was your life, mate. Oh, really, do I get another? No, that's your lot mate. Back to the World of dreams...

• Basil Fawlty : Manuel will show you to your rooms - if you're lucky.

• Basil Fawlty : Polly, what's that smell?

  Polly : Flowers, I just got them from the garden.

  Basil Fawlty : Well, what are you stinking the place up with those for? What's happened to the plastic ones?

  Polly : Being ironed.

• Basil Fawlty : Right, well I'll go and have a lie down then. No I won't; I'll go and hit some guests.

• Basil Fawlty : Next contestant, Mrs. Sybil Fawlty from Torquay. Specialist subject - the bleeding obvious.

• [Basil has accidentally set off the burglar alarm during the fire drill, guests start walking out of the building thinking it's the fire alarm, but Basil stops them all in the lobby] 

  Mrs. Wilson : Oh I thought that was the drill.

  Basil Fawlty : Yes there is, at twelve o'clock.

  Mrs. Wilson : But, it is twelve o'clock.

  Basil Fawlty : Well not quite.

  [to guests that try to leave] 

  Basil Fawlty : Excuse me!

  Mrs. Wilson : Well, I make it twelve o'clock.

  Basil Fawlty : [to guests]  Im afraid that wasn't the...

  Mrs. Wilson : What time do you make it, Major?

  Basil Fawlty : [annoyed]  Look...

  Major Gowen : Burglars about, I think.

  Basil Fawlty : Look, it doesn't matter what time he makes it, it hasn't started yet.

  Mrs. Sharp : What?

  Basil Fawlty : It hasn't started yet!

  Mrs. Sharp : But, that was the bell wasn't it?

  Basil Fawlty : No!

  Mrs. Wilson : He means the *drill* hasn't started yet.

  Mr. Sharp : What drill? We didn't hear a drill.

  Basil Fawlty : [trying to explain]  No, no no no, look, look - that was the burglar alarm.

  Major Gowen : See!

  Mrs. Wilson : The burglar alarm?

  Basil Fawlty : Yes!

  Mrs. Wilson : Are there burglars?

  Major Gowen : Evidently!

  Basil Fawlty : [increasingly annoyed]  No! Look, what's the matter with you all? It's perfectly simple: we have the fire drill when I ring the fire bell- That wasn't the fire bell!

  Mr. Sharp : Well, how are we supposed to know that wasn't the fire bell?

  Basil Fawlty : Because, it doesn't sound like the fire bell.

  All guests at once : It did.

  Basil Fawlty : It didn't!

• Basil Fawlty : Is this a piece of your brain?

• Basil Fawlty : You'll have to forgive him. He's from Barcelona.

• Miss Gatsby : And don't do anything *we* wouldn't do!

  Basil Fawlty : Oh, just a little breathing, surely.

• Basil Fawlty : Don't be alarmed, it's only my wife laughing.

• American : Is this a Hotel or isn't it?

  Basil Fawlty : Well, within reason.

• Basil Fawlty : It's almost worth staying alive for little moments like that, isn't it Sybil? I know it's true because I read it on the back of a matchbox.

• Basil Fawlty : Have I ceased to exist?

• Basil Fawlty : Thank you, darling, where would I be without you? Land of the Living, probably.

• Sybil Fawlty : I can't abide cruelty to living creatures.

  Basil Fawlty : I'm a creature and you can abide it to me.

  Sybil Fawlty : You're not living.

• Major Gowen : Fawlty!

  Basil Fawlty : Yes, Major?

  Major Gowen : There's a Psychiatrist in the Hotel!

  Basil Fawlty : I know!

  Major Gowen : And apparently, he's dressed up as a Guest!

  Basil Fawlty : He is a Guest, he's on Holiday here.

  Major Gowen : Oh, well your Guest is as good as mine!

  Basil Fawlty : Maybe he has come for you.

• Basil Fawlty : We have a Spanish porter at the moment, he's from Barcelona. It'd be quicker to train an *ape*!

• Major Gowen : [Audrey's separated]  I think it's very sporting of Mrs Fawlty to go over there and listen to all that rubbish!

  Basil Fawlty : Salt of the Earth, couldn't live without her.

  Major Gowen : She's a fine woman, Mrs Fawlty.

  Basil Fawlty : No, I wouldn't go that far.

  Major Gowen : No, nor will I.

• Basil Fawlty : Do I detect the smell of Burning Martyr?

• Basil Fawlty : Coming my little piranha fish.

• Basil Fawlty : [to Sybil, while having dinner]  Why don't you have another vat of wine, dear?

• Basil Fawlty : [to Manuel]  Stupidissimo! Continental cretin!

• Basil Fawlty : Not pureeing your loved ones, that's the tricky part.

• Polly : What's the point of being Alive?

  Basil Fawlty : I don't know, we're stuck with it, I suppose.

• Basil Fawlty : A satisfied customer! We should have him stuffed...

• Basil Fawlty : So this Finnish floozy is your karate teacher is she?

  Terry : Well. It's a sort of karate isn't it?

• Basil Fawlty : A blow on the head like that is worth two in the bush!

• Basil Fawlty : He can't tell me anything about myself that I don't know already. All this Psychiatry's a load of tommyrot! You know what they say it's all connected with, don't you? Sex. What a load of cobblers!

• Basil Fawlty : Crecy? Poitiers? Yom Kippur?

• Basil Fawlty : Oh, what a terrible dream!

• Basil Fawlty : My God, you're ugly, aren't you? Look at that.

  Nurse : I-I'll get the Doctor.

  Basil Fawlty : You need a Plastic Surgeon, love!

• Basil Fawlty : I shall of course refund your money, I know how important it is to you Americans. But here in Britain there are things we value far more!

• Basil Fawlty : Yes, very Socialist.

• Basil Fawlty : Winnie Atwul?

  Major Gowen : Well, Marjorie Atwul, then. I just called her Winnie because she looked like Winnie!

  Basil Fawlty : She's not Black!

  Major Gowen : Black? Churchill wasn't Black, Old Boy!

• Polly : Could I have a raise? Mrs Fawlty said it would be alright.

  Basil Fawlty : I don't think we see eye-to-eye vis a vis the frozen assets.

• Basil Fawlty : [Manuel's started a fire in the kitchen]  Fire!

• Basil Fawlty : Deaf, mad and blind.

• Miss Gatsby : Mr Fawlty! There's a Psychiatrist in the Hotel!

  Basil Fawlty : I know!

  Miss Gatsby : Has he come for the Major?

• Nurse : The Doctor's coming.

  Basil Fawlty : My God, a Doctor, here in the Hospital, whatever shall we do?

  Nurse : You can leave!

  Basil Fawlty : Why do they call you Sister, is it a term of endearment?

• Basil Fawlty : Stall them! Tell them some Lie!

• Basil Fawlty : [Infuriated with old women]  There's been a lot of bloodshed at the Nell Wynn's Tea Rooms, you know?

• Basil Fawlty : [a hotelier, not a linguist]  Why don't you talk properly?

• Basil Fawlty : I'm sorry, I got confused because Everyone keeps mentioning the War!

• Basil Fawlty : That was our Chef. Just nipped out for a quick Prayer, I expect!

• Basil Fawlty : I'm going to sell you to a Vivisectionist!

• Basil Fawlty : Now...

  [breaks down and cries] 

• Basil Fawlty : There's nothing I could do to please a pair like you, save put straw in the rooms.

  Guest : I think you're the rudest man I've ever met.

  Basil Fawlty : I haven't started yet.

  American : You're not going to. You're going to stand here nice and quiet while these people say what they really think. Move from that spot, Fawlty, and I'll bust your ass!

  Basil Fawlty : Everything's bottoms, isn't it?

• Basil Fawlty : Well, let me tell you something! This is Exactly how Nazi Germany Started! A bunch of idiots sticking their noses in, looking for something to complain about!

• Basil Fawlty : Don't touch me, I don't know where you've been!

• Basil Fawlty : [reading "Jaws" in bed] 

• Basil Fawlty : Manuel, my wife tells me you're depressed. Now, depression is a bad thing. It's like a virus. It takes over the mind, and then one day you can't face life any more!

  Sybil Fawlty : And then you open a Hotel...

• Mrs Richards : [On the Ground Floor]  Don't worry, I can get down the stairs perfectly well myself!

  Basil Fawlty : Down the stairs? Well don't let us stop you! Give my regards to the Earth's Core! And if you give us any more trouble, I shall visit you in the small hours and put a Bat up your Nightdress!

• Basil Fawlty : [concussed]  Who won the Bloody War, anyway?

• Nurse : I'm not going to talk to her, I'm going to look at her!

  Basil Fawlty : She's ill, isn't she? What's the bloody point of looking at her?

  Nurse : I am a Nurse, Basil!

  Basil Fawlty : Oh, God...

• Nurse : She hit me Basil! I tried to examine her and she lashed out!

  Basil Fawlty : Don't! Don't hit our friends! I'm sorry, she's not herself.

• Basil Fawlty : You have absolutely no sense of humour, do you?