Saturday Night Live (1975– )
Dan Aykroyd: Various, Weekend Update Anchor, Jimmy Carter, Beldar Conehead, Richard Nixon, Elwood Blues, Tom Snyder, Self, Announcer, Irwin Mainway, Jason, Leonard Pinth-Garnell, Narrator, Rod Serling, Sen. Bob Dole, Spokesperson, Arthur, Bee, Bob Dole, Eliot Ness, George, Jimmy Joe Red Sky, Mel, Mike Mendoza, Ricardo Montalban, Tom Synder, Yortuk Festrunk, Alfred Hitchcock, Artie, Bob Crawford, Bob Widette, Bookkeeper, Boyd Norman, Brent Mydland, British Mercenary, Brody, Bruno Wald, Charles Foster Kane, Clarence, David Doyle, David Eisenhower, DeForest Kelley, Dennis X, Dr. Keith Vesterl, Dr. McCoy, Dr. Pierre Lechev, E. Buzz Miller, Extra, Floyd Hunger, Frank Telinka, Georg Festrunk, George Burns, Henry, Howard Hughes, Husband, Ian Smith, Jimmy Joe Redsky, John Boehner, John. F. Kennedy, Joseph Franklin, Kenny Slungard, Kenny Vorstrather, Killer Bee, Lane Brether, Larry Rontz, Leonard Pinth-Garnel, Leonard Pith-Garnell, Mr. Henderson, Mr. Spunk, Murray Slaughter, Old Dad, Randolph Hearst, Ray, Reeve, Richie Roberts, Robert Stack, Rush Limbaugh, Sanjaya Fan, Scumbo, Self - Host, Sheriff Brady, Sigmund Freud, Spokeperson, The Dead String Quartet, Vincent Price, White Father, announcer
Photos
Quotes
-
Parent : My kid saw that Tim Allen movie nine times. He loves Santa.
Dan Aykroyd : Kid, let me tell you something. I did time with Tim Allen. He's real people but he's no Santa Claus.
-
Dan Aykroyd : I'm Station Manager Dan Aykroyd. During the past few weeks in Los Angeles, actor Lee Marvin and his former live-in companion Michelle Triola Marvin have been in court to settle her claim that he owes her half his income from the six years they lived together. That is the subject of tonight's Point Counterpoint. Jane will take the Pro-Michelle Triola Point, while I take the Anti-Michelle-Triola Counterpoint.
Jane Curtin : Dan, times change, and so does the nature of relationships. People are reluctant to get married these days, and looking at divorce statistics, who can blame them? But the lack of a sheet of paper does not mean the lack of a total committment. A woman in this modern-day relationship may well give up all her own personal pursuits; as Michelle Marvin claims she did; to give her full support to her man's career. And Michelle Marvin is just asking that the courts recognize that reality. Dan, there's an old saying: Behind every successful man, there's a woman. A loving, caring, giving, woman. But you wouldn't know anything about that, Dan, because there's no old saying about what's behind a miserable failure.
Dan Aykroyd : Jane, you ignorant slut. Bagged-out, dried up slunk meat like you and Michelle Triola know the rules: if you want a contract, sign on the dotted line. Oh, but let's all shed a tear for poor Michelle Triola. There was only testimony that she had had sexual intercourse over forty times with another man while living with actor Lee Marvin. But I suppose that sort of fashionable promiscuity means nothing to someone like you, Jane, who hops from bed to bed with the frequency of a cheap Ham Radio. But Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, and Michelle Triola, like a screeching, squealing, rapacious swamp sow, is after actor Lee Marvin's last three million dollars. I guess what you and Michelle Triola are saying is, while you're on your backs, the meter's running. Well, please spare us galls, and tell us the rates at the top. Then we can choose which two-bit parts and bargain basement sluts to shack up with.
-
Julia Child : Welcome. I'm Julia Child. Today, we're going to make a holiday feast, and we're going to start with a half-boned chicken, a fine, fat roasting chicken. Now, first, remove the giblets - and you really should save the giblets. They make a fine stock for soup. Or you can save the liver and fry it up with some onions for a little snack; or if you have a number of livers, you can make a lovely liver pate, or a delicious liverwurst which you can spread on a cracker - a Ritz cracker, a Saltine... or rye bread, or pumpernickel bread... or if you're celebrating the Jewish holidays, you can make a chopped liver and shape it into the bust of a friend... if someone's getting married or bar-mitzvahed... am I saying that right? Bar-mitzvahed? Or, if you have a little cat or a dog, they love liver. Save the liver! Don't throw it away! I hope I've made my point. Don't throw the liver away. Now, where was I? Oh, yes. Anyway, it's time to bone the chicken. Now, for this, you need a very sharp knife. You can't do nothing without a sharp knife!
[She holds chicken and cuts along it with a sharp knife]
Julia Child : Now, you place the chicken on its stomach, and cut along the backbone to the pug nose like so...
[She suddenly drops the knife]
Julia Child : Crap! Oh! Oh, now I've done it - I've cut the dickens out of my finger. Well, I'm glad, in a way, this has happened...
[Blood squirts out of her hand onto the chicken]
Julia Child : We have never really discussed what to do. First, we must stop the bleeding.
[She holds her apron over her hand]
Julia Child : The best way is to put pressure on the apron, like so...
[Blood keeps sqirting all over the kitchen]
Julia Child : Now, you want to raise your hand above your head so the blood doesn't pump all the way up.
[Blood continues to squirt, going everywhere]
Julia Child : Well, the apron doesn't seem to be working, so I recommend natural coagulants, such as chicken liver...
[picks up the chicken liver]
Julia Child : Remember not to throw away the liver!
[Blood gushes over the chicken liver]
Julia Child : Oh, God, it's throbbing! Well, a tourniquet can be made, using a chicken bone...
[She wraps a towel and a chicken bone around her hand]
Julia Child : Find a pressure point between the heart and the wound - in this case, the wrist - and cut off the blood. This is a last resort, however, because you could lose your hand if you tighten it too much!
[the blood keeps on squirting. She starts to get a little woozy]
Julia Child : If you're too woozy to tie the tourniquet, you might call Emergency Help - there's not much time left...
[She hobbles towards the phone on back wall and picks it up]
Julia Child : Now, every kitchen phone should have the Emergency number written on it somewhere...
[She looks at her phone]
Julia Child : This one doesn't! 9-1-1!
[She tries to dial the number, but can't]
Julia Child : Oh, this phone is a prop, it doesn't work!
[She drops the phone, becoming increasingly woozy]
Julia Child : That's a shame, because I'm remembering a time when I was a little girl and I... had a dog named Admiral... and I used to give him liver... and my mother gave me a doll...
[She starts tipping from side to side and stares blankly at the audience]
Julia Child : Why are you all spinning? Uh... I think I'm going to go to sleep now... bon appetit...
[She falls headfirst onto the counter on top of the chicken, but manages to jump up one last time]
Julia Child : Save the liver!
[She falls back onto the counter and twitches before dying]
-
George H.W. Bush : [during the 1988 Republican Presidential Debate] See, See! That's why people say Bob Dole is mean spirited; because of things like that!
Bob Dole : Now, hold on a minute, Mr. Bush. You know, I know, everyone knows where Bob Dole stands on the issues. I am not mean spirited; and if you call me that again, I'll stick my pen up your ass.
