Saturday Night Live (1975– )

Tim Kazurinsky: Various, Dr. Jack Badofsky, Self, Moe Laub, Wayne Huevos, Alistair Bialystock, Announcer, Astronaut, Bartender, Burt Wedermeyer, Douglas MacArthur, Dr. Simon Radlauer, Egbert Fishback, ElfVarious, Father, Father Andrew B. Titus, Forrest Gregg, Frank, Franklin Roosevelt, Harold Duffy, Havnagootiim Vishnuuerheer, James Long, Judge, Larry Bud Melman, Mahatma Gandhi, Michael Nash, Moe, Ozzy Osbourne, Peter, Price, Ralph Winters, Rob Schapps, Seiko, Self - Audience Member, Steve, Student, Tim, Tino Quinsana, Ulysses S. Grant, Veteran, Worthington Clotman, aide, father, model

Photos 

Quotes 

• Joe Piscopo : Good evening. I'm Joe Piscopo. This year marks the 20th anniversary of the death of President John F. Kennedy. We've brought together these three people to share with us their members of the day they learned that President Kennedy had been shot. Jim, let's start with you. What were you doing when you heard President Kennedy had been shot?

  James Belushi : Well, I was in college and I was walking across the quad to call and this guy runs up and says 'President Kennedy has been shot', so I...

  Joe Piscopo : Wait; how old are you?

  James Belushi : I'm 26. So anyway, I went looking for a TV and...

  Joe Piscopo : Wait a minute. You're telling us you were in college at age 6?

  James Belushi : No, I was 19. Anyway...

  Joe Piscopo : Wait a minute! You didn't know President Kennedy had been shot until eight years ago?

  James Belushi : Well, hey now; you know, I was busy with school and girls and playing sports and stuff and I really wasn't into current events.

  Joe Piscopo : I can't believe this. Mary, when did you find out President Kennedy had been shot?

  Mary Gross : Well, Joe, in light of what just happened, I'm ashamed to admit that Jim told me right before the show started.

  James Belushi : [chuckling]  What a dork, eh Joe?

  Joe Piscopo : I can't believe this! This was one of the most important events of the 20th century and you people are totally clueless!

  Tim Kazurinsky : [shocked]  Wait a minute! President Kennedy is dead? How? When?

  Joe Piscopo : Yes! My God, He was shot in Dallas!

  Tim Kazurinsky : Oh, no! No! Please, No!

  [begins crying uncontrollably and hanging onto the other guests] 

  Tim Kazurinsky : President Kennedy is dead!

  Joe Piscopo : [shaking his head]  This is Joe Piscopo; good night.

• Host : Good evening. I'm Lawrence Flyshacker, and welcome to, "The Real Story." Tonight we continue our series on the U.S. Presidents. You know history often whitewashes itself? For example, for years it was thought that Thomas Jefferson was a man, and that his wife slept around... whereas we now know the opposite to be true. Tonight we'll go behind another of history's myths to learn, "The Real Story."

  Abraham Lincoln : [Lincoln enters Ford's Theatre box, loudly and apparently drunk]  Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me! Excuse me. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh.

  [plops into his seat] 

  Abraham Lincoln : Sorry I'm late, guys, but I was freeing some Negroes! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

  General : That's perfectly all right, Mr. President.

  Abraham Lincoln : [Throwing his arm around his wife's shoulders]  Hey, hey, hey, is this a First Lady or WHAT, huh? I just hope I'm her first man!

  Mary Lincoln : Abraham, please, the play!

  Abraham Lincoln : Oh, I've seen it five times, Mary...

  Theatre patron : Yeah, well, some of US haven't!

  Abraham Lincoln : [stands up and jeers him]  Oh, well, hey, pardon me, pal, huh? What am I, just the President of the United STATES!

  Abraham Lincoln : [loudly eating a candy bar; audience shushes him]  SORRY! Oh, hey, I love this part! I love this. Watch this. Listen to how she tells this jerk off. Watch this.

  Abraham Lincoln : [calls toward the stage]  Hey, hey! You tell him, honey! YEAH! WHOOOOO!

  [sits back down] 

  Abraham Lincoln : Some people, they just don't know how to enjoy theatre.

  Theatre patron : Hey, quiet down, will ya?

  Abraham Lincoln : [stands up]  Hey, stick it here, pal!

  [knocks drink and popcorn off balcony] 

  Abraham Lincoln : Whoa!

  Theatre patron : Watch it!

  Abraham Lincoln : Hey, I'm sorry, pal! Look, send me your cleaning bill! To my GETTYSBURG ADDRESS! Ah, ha ha ha ha!

  General : Mr. President, Mr. President, I understand that the young woman taking the role of Sarah tonight is the talk of Washington.

  Abraham Lincoln : Oh, yeah?

  [looks through opera glasses] 

  Abraham Lincoln : WHOA, YEAH! Hey, I thought mine eyes had seen the glory, but get a load of that babe!

  [stands up and waves toward stage] 

  Abraham Lincoln : Hey, hey, hey, angelpuss! Whooo, whoo, whoo! Up here, huh?

  Theatre patron : [Confederate accent]  Will you shut up, suh?

  Abraham Lincoln : [stands up]  Hey, hey, you gonna do something about it?

  Theatre patron : I may, suh!

  Abraham Lincoln : Yeah, you and what Confederate Army, cracker-barrel?

  Theatre patron : I warned you, suh!

  Abraham Lincoln : [losing temper]  Yeah, well, why don't you come up here and do somethin'? What, what are you gonna do, shoot me, pal, huh?

  Host : And the rest is history. Please join us next week on "The Real Story" for "Hiroshima: Insurance Fraud of the Century".