Murder by Death (1976)

Peter Falk: Sam Diamond

Photos 

Quotes 

• Sam Diamond : Locked, from the inside. That can only mean one thing. And I don't know what it is.

• Sam Diamond : The last time that I trusted a dame was in Paris in 1940. She said she was going out to get a bottle of wine. Two hours later, the Germans marched into France.

• Lionel Twain : I'm the greatest, I'm number one!

  Sam Diamond : To me, you look like number two, know what I mean?

  Dora Charleston : What DOES he mean, Miss Skeffington?

  Tess Skeffington : I'll tell you later. It's disgusting.

• Tess Skeffington : Twain picked up Sam in a gay bar.

  Sam Diamond : I was working on a case! Working.

  Tess Skeffington : Every night for six months?

  Sam Diamond : I got 50 bucks a day in expenses. I had dem queeries.

  Tess Skeffington : Twain had Polaroid pictures of Sam in drag.

  Sam Diamond : I was in disguise. Lots fo dames go in those joints. I never kissed nobody.

• Lionel Twain : That drives me crazy!

  Sam Diamond : Sounds like a short ride to me.

• Dick Charleston : [after noticing that he is incorrectly seated next to his own wife, Charleston asks to switch places with Wang. An instant after they both stand up, two rapiers fall from the ceiling to bury themselves in the gentlemen's chairs]  ... Just as I thought: another test that could have cost us our lives, saved only by the fact that I am ENORMOUSLY well-bred.

  Sam Diamond : ...Lucky it wasn't me, or I'd be chopped liver by now.

• [a bomb is about to explode] 

  Sam Diamond : I've got an idea! I don't know if it will work but I've got to try. Turn around!

  Tess Skeffington : I've turned, Sam.

  Sam Diamond : Whatever you do, don't turn around until I say so.

  Tess Skeffington : [turns around]  But Sam...

  Sam Diamond : I SAID TURN AROUND!

  Tess Skeffington : Yes, Sam.

  Sam Diamond : Good! Cause... I think... I'm gonna cry.

• Sam Diamond : I never did nothin' to a man that I wouldn't do to a woman.

• Dick Charleston : Another diversion. He gives us meaningless clues to confuse us, dangles red herrings before our eyes, bedazzles us with bizarre banalities, while all the time precious seconds are ticking away towards a truly terrible murder still to come.

  Sam Diamond : You're good, Charleston. You're not my kind of cop, but you're smart and you smell good. You're not a pansy, I know that, but what the hell are ya?

  Dick Charleston : Classy, I suppose.

• Sidney Wang : It is late, and my eyes are getting tired.

  Sam Diamond : I thought they always looked like that.

  Jessica Marbles : Knock it off, Sam!

  Sam Diamond : I apologize. This case is getting to me. I'm sorry, Slanty.

  Sidney Wang : Um... thank you.

• Sam Diamond : Wouldn't you know, out of gas.

  Tess Skeffington : I saw a station about five miles back, Sam.

  Sam Diamond : [hands her a gas can]  I want you to know I'm gonna be waitin' for ya, baby.

• Tess Skeffington : He was very good to me. He would take me to the circus and give me candy. We stopped going when I was about twenty-six. I'm sorry, Sam.

  Sam Diamond : Twenty-six? What the hell kind of a circus was it?

• Sam Diamond : I'll be around if you need me. All you gotta do is whistle, and you know how to whistle, don't ya, baby?

  Tess Skeffington : Certainly. What do you mean? I don't understand you...

  Sam Diamond : All right, never mind. Forget it. You ruined it.

• Dora Charleston : Is he dead?

  Sam Diamond : With a thing like that in his back, in the long run, he's better off.

• Sam Diamond : You say you know who's going to get it?

  Lionel Twain : Intimately.

  Inspector Milo Perrier : And you know how the crime is to be committed?

  Lionel Twain : Definitely.

  Sidney Wang : And exactly what time murder to take place?

  Lionel Twain : *The* murder. Precisely.

  Dora Charleston : Well, I know it's none of my business, but doesn't that mean that you're the murderer, Mr. Twain?

• Tess Skeffington : I'm scared, Sam. Hold me.

  Sam Diamond : Hold yourself. I'm busy.

• Sam Diamond : I was in disguise in disguise in disguise. You work hard for fifty bucks a day in this racket.

• Willie Wang : [DELETED SCENE, RESTORED FOR TELEVISION - Willie rejoins the others after covering up Twain's body]  ... I can't believe you missed it, Pop. The world's five greatest living detectives, and not one of you noticed that *Twain was clutching a note in his hand!*

  Sidney Wang : Give it to me.

  Willie Wang : Oh, no; it's mine.

  Milo Perrier : Oh, give it to your father, you idiot!

  Willie Wang : [gloating]  "Idiot?" We'll see who's the idiot, Mr. Perrier! The $1 million goes to whoever solves the crime, and that could be me just as easily as you! I've got more brains than my father gives me credit for! "#3 Adopted Son?" I'm sick and tired of being just your #3 Adopted Son. I'm *Willie Wang, Young Detective!* This clue belongs to me, and nobody's getting it from me, you understand? Nobody...!

  Sam Diamond : [with his gun leveled at Willie's head]  Better stand back, Tess. I don't want you to get hurt when the bullet comes out his other ear.

  [takes the note and reads] 

  Sam Diamond : "Please call dairy and cancel future deliveries of milk; Lionel Twain deceased."

  [hands back the note] 

  Sam Diamond : So much for your clue, kid.

  Willie Wang : [very sheepish]  Uhm... Sorry about that, Dad.

• Sam Diamond : I get fifty dollars a day plus expenses when I can get 'em, gentlemen. And I owe Miss Skeffington here three years and two month's back pay. Isn't that right, angel?

  Tess Skeffington : I don't care about the money, Sam.

  Sam Diamond : Neither do I.

• Sam Diamond : Maybe I'm just a patsy being set up take the fall, but I'm not falling for any o'yous, you understand?

  Tess Skeffington : Not even me, Sam?

  Sam Diamond : Why don't you fall in love with the Jap kid and get off my back?

• Tess Skeffington : Sam, why do you keep all those naked muscle men magazines in your office?

  Sam Diamond : Suspects. Always looking for suspects.

• Sam Diamond : I don't get it. First they steal the body and leave the clothes, then they take the clothes and bring the body back. Who would do a thing like that?

  Dick Charleston : Possibly some deranged dry cleaner.

• Tess Skeffington : If you ask me, Sam, this is a wild goose chase.

  Sam Diamond : Nobody asked you.

  Tess Skeffington : Yes, they did. You asked me back there if l thought...

  Sam Diamond : That was then. This is now. Nobody knows what tomorrow will be. That's the way it is, whether we like it or not.

  Tess Skeffington : Sam, l really worry about you sometimes.

  Sam Diamond : Alright cut the malarkey. This trip is strictly business. What do you got on Twain?

  Tess Skeffington : He was born in San Francisco in . His mother was Catholic, father an Orthodox Jew. They separated two hours after the marriage.

  Sam Diamond : Any children?

  Tess Skeffington : Yeah, one daughter, 32. Her name's lrene, but she goes by Rita.

  Sam Diamond : Just like a dame. Don't stop, angel. You're doing fine.

  Tess Skeffington : He was arrested in 1932 in Chicago for selling pornographic bibles. The D.A. couldn't make the charge stick when the church refused to turn over the bibles. There's nothing on him until '46 when he was picked up in EI Paso, Texas for smuggling a truckload of rich, white Americans into Mexico to pick melons. He was sent to the Dallas state hospital for mental observation.

  Sam Diamond : I think we picked ourselves a queer bird, angel. Anything else?

  Tess Skeffington : Yeah. Get this, Sam. Twain has one interesting physical characteristic. He has no pinkies.

  Sam Diamond : No pinkies? You mean Twain's only got eight fingers?

  Tess Skeffington : No, no. He's got ten. He just doesn't have any pinkies.

  Sam Diamond : You did your homework good, angel.

  Tess Skeffington : Thanks, Sam.

  Sam Diamond : Where'd you dig that up stuff?

  Tess Skeffington : I wrote to Twain and asked him.

  Sam Diamond : Good thinking.

• Sam Diamond : Why don't you push her wheelchair down the driveway? We got business here!

• Sam Diamond : Now, if one of you gentlemen would be so kind as to give my lady friend here a glass of cheap white wine, I'm going down the hall to find the can. I talk so much sometimes, I forget to go.

• [stumbling around during a blackout] 

  Dora Charleston : Dickie, don't. You know how I get when you touch me there.

  Dick Charleston : Me, darling? I've got my hands in my pockets.

  Sam Diamond : I'm afraid they're my pockets.

  Dick Charleston : Oh, sorry about that.

  Dora Charleston : Dickie, behave yourself.

• Sam Diamond : You pit your wits with me, little man, and you won't have your wits to pit with, know what I mean?

• Sam Diamond : If you ask me, anybody that offers a million bucks to solve a crime that ain't been committed yet has lost a lot more upstairs than his hair.

• Sam Diamond : My hat's off to the man with the shiv in his back. Except for the fact that he's dead, he was no dope.

• Dick Charleston : Now see here, Diamond. That's a pretty tacky thing to say, isn't it?

  Sam Diamond : Well, it's a pretty tacky world, Mr. Charleston.

• Milo Perrier : What is it? What's happened?

  Sidney Wang : Something wrong in kitchen.

  Milo Perrier : With our dinner!

  Sidney Wang : No, patience, patience.

  Sam Diamond : Is someone in there?

  [pointing to kitchen] 

  Dick Charleston : Someone in the kitchen with dinna?

• Sam Diamond : Did ya ever make it with a waitress?

  Dick Charleston : I beg your your pardon?

  Sam Diamond : A waitress. Big, fat waitress. I don't know what them society dames are like in the kit, but you ain't never had it 'til you made it with a big, fat, blondie waitress. If you're ever interested, you give me a call.

• Sam Diamond : Where were ya Wang, we was worried!

• Sam Diamond : The lady here in the rented dress is my secretary and mistress, Miss Tess Skeffington.

• Tess Skeffington : I don't feel good about this, Sam. Maybe tonight's the night your luck runs out.

  Sam Diamond : Maybe so. There's a number on the wall for all of us, angel, and if tonight's the night they pick mine, so be it. After you, sweetheart.

• Inspector Milo Perrier : A mannequin.

  Sam Diamond : No, a dummy.

• Sam Diamond : Jessie, baby!

• Sam Diamond : Mr. Charleston of New York, Palm Beach and Beverly Hills. Crime's is just a hobby to you, isn't it? It's just a little game to wile away the time while you're waitin' for room service at some fancy hotel while your wife's family dough buys gin martinis and your $300 suits. That's a pretty nice arrangement, when all you gotta do is give your wife a grab every now and then and take the dog for a leak twice a day.

• Sam Diamond : Mr. Perrie - you work both sides of the big drink. Pretty good pickins over there, solvin' crimes for them barons and earls and puttin' your fancy fees into private Swiss banks. Three trips a year buys a lot of hot chocolate, don't it Frenchie.

• Sam Diamond : Blind people have a very keen sense of smell. Since we're all Anglo-Saxons and Mr. Wang's son is Japanese, it wouldn't be hard to sniff out the Chinaman.

• Sam Diamond : Shut up, all of youse! Nobody move! Stay where you are! Everybody.

  Dick Charleston : What is it?

  Sam Diamond : I have to go to the can again. I don't wanna miss nothin'.

  Tess Skeffington : I'm going too, Sam.

  Sam Diamond : I'd rather do this alone, Tess. Thanks. anyway.

• Dora Charleston : Mr. Diamond, there's a bullet hole in your jacket.

  Sam Diamond : You should see the other guy.

• [everyone holds hands to prevent themselves from being killed] 

  Sam Diamond : Stop that. Stop it, I said.

  Dick Charleston : What is it, Diamond?

  Sam Diamond : The nurse is giving my palm the finger, the dirty old broad.

  Jessica Marbles : Naughty! Naughty, Miss Withers!

  [Miss Withers giggles] 

• Dick Charleston : I heard the gunshots; but, I don't see any bullet holes. Not on his head, his neck, his back, or his chest.

  Sam Diamond : Look all over him.

  Dick Charleston : All over his body?

  Sam Diamond : Well, somebody's got to do it. I'm busy standing guard.

  Dick Charleston : Well, why don't I stand guard. You look all over the body.

  Sam Diamond : All right. We'll take turns. You look over the first dead naked body that we find and I'll look over the second. Hurry up. We only got eight minutes. You see anything?

  Dick Charleston : No, I don't see a bullet hole anywhere. -Hold it. I see something.

  Sam Diamond : What is it?

  Dick Charleston : Oh, forget it. My mistake. Not a bullet hole.

• Sam Diamond : Perfect, Sweetheart. They took the bait like a dumb halibut. Let 'em think I'm a pansy. While they're busy suspectin' me, one of them is gonna let his pants down.

• Sam Diamond : [reading note]  That tickin' sound you hear, Mr. Diamond, is a bomb in your room that will go off in 30 seconds. Signed: The murderer.

  Tess Skeffington : Quick, Sam, the door!

  Sam Diamond : PS: The door is locked.

• Sam Diamond : You put all your money into vegetables back in the late '30s. Maybe our friends here don't know that you own 50 percent of the bean sprouts and the bamboo shoots grown on the Chinese mainland. So, you folks can imagine how much chicken chow mein goes into Mr. Wang's pot each year.

• Sam Diamond : Sorry if I'm shocking you, ma'am, but I never had time to go to finishing school. My school is the streets and lookin' down the barrel of a pointed revolver is my teacher.

• Sam Diamond : It's your funeral, butterballs.

• Tess Skeffington : Sam, you're spitting on the nurse.

  Sam Diamond : Sorry, old lady. The crazy broad should be in bed.

• Sam Diamond : You're one smart Chinaman, Mr. Wang.

• Sam Diamond : She's a cocktail waitress at the waterbed motel in Carmel.

• Dora Charleston : Is that the cook's arm?

  Sam Diamond : It ain't the pussycat's tail, lady.