Gretchen: So, all we have to do is knock a hole in the wall and let the sunshine in.
Benson DuBois: Why don't you knock a hole in your head and let some brains in.
Clayton Runnymede Endicott III: I make money the old-fashioned way. I inherit it.
Benson DuBois: [after Denise tells him she's pregnant] You're gonna make a terrific mother. And Pete will make a fine... playmate for the child.
Clayton Runnymede Endicott III: You heard it from the horse's mouth.
Benson DuBois: And now we're hearing it from the other end.
Katherine Olivia Gatling: Benson, what's a broken heart?
Benson DuBois: Oh, there's no such thing, Katie. It's just a term we use to describe one of life's little disappointment that comes close to killing you.
[Marcie is checking on the results of an election Taylor was running in]
Governor Eugene Xavier Gatling: So how did Taylor do?
Marcy Hill: He lost. He came in sixth.
Benson DuBois: How did he come in sixth? There were only five candidates.
Marcy Hill: There was a large write-in for "None of the above".
Pete Downey: I'll never be a hero. I had a chance once. Janine's cat was drowning in the pool and I jumped in to save it. But when I realized I had to give it mouth-to-mouth, I threw it back in.
Marcy Hill: Clipper ship bound for Spain, all that gold and Phillipe. How romantic. I hope the ship sank.
[Benson meets Kraus for the first time]
Gretchen: You are getting muddy footprints all over my clean floor and it is disgusting!
Benson DuBois: Fine, I'll walk on my hands.
[Benson meets the governor for the first time]
Marcy Hill: Governor Gatling, I'd like to introduce...
Governor Eugene Xavier Gatling: Introduce? Oh, this man needs no introduction. I'd know the Reverend Jesse Jackson anywhere.
[Benson is at home when the phone rings]
Benson DuBois: [answering the phone] Hello? Oh, hi, governor. Sure, you can come over. All right, see you then. Bye.
[Benson hangs up. A few seconds later, the doorbell rings. Benson answers it to find the governor at the door]
Benson DuBois: What'd you do? Beam over?
[Benson walks into the governor's office]
Governor Eugene Xavier Gatling: Benson, I must be psychic. I was just thinking of you and here you are.
Benson DuBois: Governor, you sent for me.
Governor Eugene Xavier Gatling: Oh. That's probably why I was thinking of you.
Chapman: Mister DeBasie?
Benson DuBois: Dubois, Senator. I think you had me confused with COUNT DeBasie.
Pete Downey: Hi, Denise. Whatcha reading?
Denise Florence Stevens Downey: It's a magazine article that uses the quantum theory to describe infinity.
Pete Downey: Is it any good?
Denise Florence Stevens Downey: Yeah, but it goes on forever.
Benson DuBois: [Benson is firing a pain-in-the-neck staffer] It hasn't been sweet, but hallelujah, it's been short.
Gretchen: You insult my cooking. You insult my looks. You insult the way I dress...
Benson DuBois: Did I miss something?
[the snowplowers are on strike]
Benson DuBois: Why don't we call out the National Guard for this?
Governor Eugene Xavier Gatling: We can't. I sent them to New Mexico for desert training.
Clayton Runnymede Endicott III: Desert training? There's no desert around here!
Governor Eugene Xavier Gatling: I know. That's why I sent them to New Mexico.