Life of Brian (1979)

Terry Jones: Mandy Cohen, Colin, Simon the Holy Man, Bob Hoskins, Saintly Passer-by, Alarmed Crucifixion Assistant

Photos 

Quotes 

• Brian's mother : He's not the Messiah. He's a very naughty boy! Now, piss off!

• [first lines] 

  Wise Man #1 : Ahem!

  Brian's mother : Oh!

  [falls over in chair] 

  Brian's mother : Who are you?

  Wise Man #2 : We are three wise men.

  Brian's mother : What?

  Wise Man #1 : We are three wise men.

  Brian's mother : Well, what are you doing creeping around a cow shed at two o'clock in the morning? That doesn't sound very wise to me.

• Pontius Pilate : [Pilate is going to release a prisoner to the crowd]  People of Jewusalum,

  [Everybody laughs at his speech impairment] 

  Pontius Pilate : Wome... is your fwiend!

  [They laugh more] 

  Pontius Pilate : To pwove our fwiendship, we will welease one of our wong-doers! Who shall I welease?

  Man in crowd : Welease Woger!

  [Everybody laughs, and begin to chant, "Welease Woger"] 

  Pontius Pilate : Vewy well, I shall... Welease... Woger!

  [Everybody laughs] 

  Centurion : Uh, we haven't got a "Woger", sir.

  Pontius Pilate : Oh, okay. We have no "Woger'!

  [They all laugh] 

  Man in crowd : Well what about "Wodewick" then?

  [They laugh and chant "Welease Wodewick!"] 

  Pontius Pilate : Vewy well! I shall welease... Wodewick!

  [the crowd laughs some more] 

  Centurion : Sir, there's no "Wodewick".

  Pontius Pilate : Who is this "Wodewick" you speak of?

  Man in crowd : He's a wobber!

  [they laugh] 

  Man in crowd : And a wapist!

  [more laughter] 

  Girl In Crowd : And a pick-pocket!

  [Everybody shakes their heads at her and say no] 

  Pontius Pilate : He sounds a notowious cwiminal.

• Wise Man #1 : We were led by a star.

  Brian's mother : Led by a bottle, more like.

• Brian's mother : What star sign is he?

  Wise Man #2 : Capricorn.

  Brian's mother : Capricorn, eh? What are they like?

  Wise Man #2 : He is the son of God, our Messiah.

  Wise Man #1 : King of the Jews.

  Brian's mother : And that's Capricorn, is it?

  Wise Man #3 : No, no, that's just him.

  Brian's mother : Oh, I was going to say, otherwise there'd be a lot of them.

• Brian : Have I got a big nose, Mum?

  Brian's mother : Stop thinking about sex!

  Brian : I wasn't!

  Brian's mother : You're always on about it. "Will the girls like this? Will the girls like that? Is it too big? Is it too small? "

• The Crowd : The Messiah! The Messiah! Show us the Messiah!

  Brian's mother : The who?

  The Crowd : The Messiah!

  Brian's mother : There's no Messiah in here. There's a mess all right, but no Messiah. Now go away!

• [Brian is explaining why there's a crowd outside their house] 

  Brian : They must have just popped by!

  Brian's mother : Popped by? SWARMED by, more like! There's a multitude out there!

• Follower : Excuse me, are you a virgin?

  Brian's mother : I beg your pardon?

  Follower : Well, if it's not a personal question - are you a virgin?

  Brian's mother : If it's not a personal question? How much more personal can you get? Now, piss off!

  [shuts the windows] 

  Follower : She is.

  [the crowd nods in agreement] 

• [Taking the gifts from the Three Wise Men and pushing them out the door] 

  Brian's mother : Er, well, um, if you're dropping by again, do pop in. Heh. And thanks a lot for the gold and frankincense, er, but don't worry too much about the myrrh next time. All right? Heh. Thank you. Good-bye.

  [Three wise men leave] 

  Brian's mother : Well, weren't they nice? Hmm. Out of their bloody minds, but still.

• Brian's mother : Ah, how I hate wearing these beards.

  Brian : Why aren't women allowed to go to stonings, mum?

  Brian's mother : It's written, that's why.

  Beard vendor : Pssst! Beard, madam?

• Brian : Now Hear this ! Blessed are they..

  Brian : ..Who convert their neighbours asses

  Brian : For they shall inhibit their girth

  Centurion : Rubbish

  Brian : And to them only shall be given

  Brian : to them only..

  Brian : shall be given...

  Girl In Crowd : what ?

  Brian : um ?

  Girl In Crowd : shall be given what ?

  Brian : Oh nothing.

  Girl In Crowd : what were you going to say ?

  Brian : Nothing.

  Girl In Crowd : yes, you were going to say something ?

  Brian : No, I finished.

  Girl In Crowd : Oh no

  Man in crowd : Tell us before you go

  Brian : I am finished.

  Man in crowd : Why wont he tell ? A secret, is it ?

  Brian : No

  Man in crowd : Must be otherwise he'd tell us.

  Brian : Leave me alone.

• Brian's mother : Well, I suppose I should have told you a long time ago, but... well, Brian... your father isn't Mr. Cohen.

  Brian : I never thought he was.

  Brian's mother : Now, none of your cheek! He was a Roman, Brian. He was a centurion in the Roman army.

  Brian : You mean you were raped?

  Brian's mother : Well, at first, yes.

• Brian's mother : [Brian hasn't mentioned it at all]  Sex, sex, sex, that's all these kids talk about!

  [kneels]