The Muppet Movie (1979)
Jim Henson: Kermit the Frog, Rowlf, Dr. Teeth, Waldorf, Swedish Chef, Link Hogthrob, Doc Hopper's Men
Photos
Quotes
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Kermit : [singing] Life's like a movie, write your own ending...
All Muppets : [singing] Keep believing, keep pretending; we've done just what we've set out to do, thanks to the lovers, the dreamers, and you!
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Rowlf the Dog : It's not often you see a guy that green have the blues that bad.
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[first lines]
Statler : I'm Statler.
Waldorf : I'm Waldorf. We're here to heckle "The Muppet Movie".
Gate Guard : Gentlemen, that's straight ahead. Private screening room D.
Statler : Private screening?
Waldorf : Yeah, they're afraid to show it in public.
[they laugh as their car proceeds forward]
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Kermit : That's pretty dangerous building a road in the middle of the street. I mean, if frogs couldn't hop, I'd be gone with the Schwinn.
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Kermit : I didn't promise anybody anything. What do I know about Hollywood, anyway? Just a dream I got from sitting through too many double features.
Kermit's Conscience : So why did you leave the swamp in the first place?
Kermit : 'Cause some agent fella said I had talent. He probably says that to everybody.
Kermit's Conscience : On the other hand, if you hadn't left the swamp, you'd be feeling pretty miserable anyhow.
Kermit : Yeah. But then it would just be me feeling miserable. Now I got a lady pig, and a bear, and a chicken, a dog, a thing, whatever Gonzo is. He's a little like a turkey.
Kermit's Conscience : [Kermit's Conscience is sitting on a rock behind him] Mmm - Yeah. A little like a turkey, but not much.
Kermit : No I guess not. Anyhow, I brought them all out here to the middle of nowhere, and it's all my fault.
Kermit's Conscience : Still, whether you promised them something or not, you gotta remember - they wanted to come.
Kermit : But... that's because they believed in me.
Kermit's Conscience : No, they believed in the dream.
Kermit : Well, so do I, but...
Kermit's Conscience : You do?
Kermit : Yeah! Of course I do.
Kermit's Conscience : Well then?
Kermit : Well then... I guess I was wrong when I said I never promised anyone. I promised me.
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Kermit : [singing; repeated lines] Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection. The lovers, the dreamers, and me.
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El Sleezo Cafe Owner : That's toughest, meanest, *filthiest* pest hole on the face of the earth!
Kermit : Why not complain to the owner?
El Sleezo Cafe Owner : I *am* the owner.
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Miss Piggy : Kermie, whisper sweet nothings into my ear.
Kermit : Uh... motorcycle cop.
Miss Piggy : "Motorcycle cop" is a sweet nothing?
Kermit : A motorcycle cop is chasing us.
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Rowlf the Dog : Oh. Broken heart, right?
Kermit : [sadly] Does it show?
Rowlf the Dog : Listen, when you've been tickling the ivories as long as I have, you've seen a broken heart for every drop of rain, a shattered dream for every falling star.
Kermit : Exactly. She just walked out on me.
Rowlf the Dog : Ah, typical. That's why I live alone.
Kermit : You do, huh?
Rowlf the Dog : You bet. I finish work, I go home, read a book, have a couple of beers, take myself for a walk, and go to bed.
Kermit : Nice and simple.
Rowlf the Dog : Stay away from women. That's my motto.
Kermit : But I can't.
Rowlf the Dog : Neither can I. And that's my trouble.
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Dr. Teeth : [reading the screenplay] "Interior. Church. Day. Fozzie: 'They don't look like Presbyterians to me.'"
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Kermit : [asks the waiter to taste the wine for him and Miss Piggy] Will you taste it for us, please?
Insolent Waiter : [tastes the wine, makes a face and spits it out] Ooh! Ah... Excellent - choice.
Kermit : [to Miss Piggy] Should be, for ninety-five cents.
Miss Piggy : [impressed] Ooooh!
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Kermit : [Movie stops after burning in projector lamp] Hey, what happened?
The Swedish Chef : [In projector booth, covered in film] Gersh gurndy morn-dee burn-dee, burn-dee, flip-flip-flip-flip-flip-flip-flip-flip-flip.
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Robin the Frog : Uncle Kermit, is this how the Muppets *really* got started?
Kermit : Well, it's sort of approximately how it happened.
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The Swedish Chef : The flim is okee-dokee.
Kermit : Good, roll film.
The Swedish Chef : Flim is rooling!
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Mad Man Mooney : Jack, get rid of this heap. Come out here!
Sweetums : What? What?
Mad Man Mooney : That's my jack.
Kermit : Oh, hi Jack!
Sweetums : Jack not name! Jack job!
Mad Man Mooney : [whispering] How many times have I told you not to talk to the customers?
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Kermit : Hey, Fozzie, look up ahead there.
Fozzie : What is that?
Kermit : Maybe we should give him a ride.
Fozzie : I don't know, he's pretty big.
Fozzie : [to Big Bird] Hey there, wanna lift?
Big Bird : Oh, no thanks. I'm on my way to New York City to try to break into public television.
Fozzie : Oh. Hm, good luck.
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Kermit : You may serve us now, please.
Insolent Waiter : Oh... may I?
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[Animal roars and scares Kermit and Fozzie]
Floyd Pepper : Oh, yeah, that's Animal. Show 'em what you do, Animal.
Animal : I want to - eat drums!
[chews on a cymbal]
Dr. Teeth : No, no. Beat drums, beat drums!
Animal : [stops chewing] Beat drums! Beat drums!
[Starts beating his head against that same cymbal]
Floyd Pepper : Down, Animal!
Animal : DOWN!
Floyd Pepper : Back!
Animal : BACK!
Floyd Pepper : Sit!
Animal : SIT!
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Miss Piggy : [as Beaker combs her hair, he comes across a tangle] Ow!
[turns around]
Miss Piggy : Watch it!
[Beaker beeps back hurriedly]
Kermit : [through his megaphone] Miss Piggy, you look beautiful!
Miss Piggy : Thank you!
Kermit : [aside] Hollywood talk.
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Doc Hopper : [appearing from behind a billboard showing a bucket of "Doc Hopper's French Fried Frog Legs"] Ha-ha-ha-haaa! You got the picture, boy! You see what I mean? Kermit *the* Frog, symbol of Doc Hopper's French Fried Frog Legs! Isn't that splendid? Just splendid! Just take a look at it.
Kermit : All I can see are millions of frogs on tiny crutches.
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Kermit : [whispering] This is the patriotic part.
Robin the Frog : [whispering back] Should we stand up?
Kermit : No.
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Kermit : What's happening?
Floyd Pepper : At the moment, *we're* what's happenin'.
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Doc Hopper : Listen, we're a small business but we've expanded. Expanded! Just like you frogs expand. Don't you frogs expand?
[puffs his cheeks]
Kermit : That's a myth.
Doc Hopper : What?
Kermit : Myth! Myth!
Myth : Yeth?
Kermit : Huh?
[same with Fozzie]
Kermit : [to Fozzie]
Kermit : C'mon, bear, burn rubber!
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Miss Piggy : Oh Kermie, you were so courageous, so magnificent!
Kermit : Gee, I don't know what to say.
Fozzie : Say the bear was magnificent. After all, I did the driving.
Gonzo : And I took a hundred-foot belly flop onto a moving car!
Miss Piggy : Yes, but Kermit assumed the awesome responsibility of command!
Kermit : Gee.
Fozzie : Oh, brother.
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Kermit : [to audience] I hope you appreciate that I'm doing all my own stunts.
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Dr. Teeth : It's the man with the badge, the PO-lice, the cops, the fuzz, the P-I-...
Miss Piggy : Don't you dare!
Dr. Teeth : I wouldn't think of it.
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Dr. Teeth : Too true. Too true. It is indeed a problem for us to 'probosculate' upon. But it seems to me the frog and the bear are temporarily out of service.
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Animal : IR-RI-TA-TED! IR-RI-TA-TED!
Kermit : Don't worry, Animal, your big scene is coming up.
Floyd Pepper : Yeah, just be cool and eat another seat cushion.
Animal : SEAT CUSHION!
[rips off some upholstery and stuffing at the corner of his chair and eats it]
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Kermit : That's Piggy!
Fozzie : Yes, I know!
Rowlf the Dog : Hey, you do think we should help her with her bags?
Fozzie : Aah, no.
[Everyone]
Fozzie : No, nah, un-uh.
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Bernie the Agent : Help! Hello! This is a serious call for help!
Kermit : Uh, yeah?
Bernie the Agent : Someone - help! Ah - I, oh! Oh! You, you with the banjo - uh, can you help me? I have lost my sense of direction.
Kermit : Uh, have you tried Hare Krishna?
Bernie the Agent : [briefly laughs sarcastically] No. No, I mean I'm really lost.
Kermit : Uh, one second.
[he tries to catch a fly with his tongue, but misses]
Kermit : Uh, darn I missed. You know, that's the first thing to go on a frog, his tongue. The tongue goes and you can't catch flies.
Bernie the Agent : Well, that's rough, I'm sorry about your tongue, but I have to get out of this swamp; I have to catch a plane.
Kermit : With *that* tongue? No way.
Bernie the Agent : [laughs]
Kermit : But seriously, there's a boat dock just downstream.
Bernie the Agent : Thank you.
Kermit : Just watch out for the alligators.
Bernie the Agent : I will.
[he starts to leave but turns back to Kermit, apprehensive]
Bernie the Agent : Alligators?
Kermit : That's right.
Bernie the Agent : Did you say alligators?
Kermit : Read my lips: al-lee-gay-twers.
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El Sleezo Patron : Hello, sailor, buy me a drink?
Kermit : Well, you see, I'm not a sailor, I'm a frog.
El Sleezo Patron : Oh, cut the small talk and buy me a drink.
Kermit : I don't even know you.
El Sleezo Tough : Hey. Did you make a move with my girl?
Kermit : No, sir.
El Sleezo Patron : He did too. He touched me.
El Sleezo Tough : Ugh. Wash up, you'll get warts.
Kermit : That's a myth.
El Sleezo Tough : Yeah, but she's my "myth"!
Kermit : No, no, myth, myth!
Myth : Yeth?
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Fozzie : Kermit, where are we?
Kermit : [Looking at a map] Well, let's see. We're just traveling down this little black line here, and uh, just crossed that little red line over here.
Fozzie : [after taking his eyes off the road to focus on the map] How about, let's take the blue line, huh?
Kermit : No, we can't take that, that's a river.
Fozzie : Oh. I knew that.
Kermit : Yeah sure.
Fozzie : Well, listen Kermit, why don't we just go and...
Kermit : [Cutting him off] Fozzie? Uh, Fozzie?
Fozzie : Yeah?
Kermit : Who's driving?
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Kermit : [after Fozzie parks the car in front of a church and turns it off] Boy, it feels like we've been driving for days.
Fozzie : [Still upbeat] Funny, yet I'm still wide awake!
Kermit : Yup. Me, too.
[Two seconds later Fozzie's head falls back, and he immediately starts snoring. Kermit jumps at that, then shrugs]
Kermit : [quietly] Me, too.
[Drops his head back and settles in himself]
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Dr. Teeth : [on reading "The Muppet Movie" sceenplay] This is a narrative of very heavy-duty proportions.
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Kermit : That's enough of that, Harry!
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Rowlf the Dog : Rolling! OK everybody, stay in focus.
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Dr. Teeth : Golden teeth and golden tones, welcome to my presence.
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Kermit : Oh, waiter...
Insolent Waiter : [reluctantly] Yes? May I help you?
Kermit : The uh, the wine, please.
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Floyd Pepper : Yeah, the road manager. We couldn't go anywhere without him.
Fozzie : He's the man with the contacts?
Dr. Teeth : No, he's the man with the van.
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Kermit : [singing] I've heard it too many times to ignore it. It's something that I'm s'posed to be.
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Insolent Waiter : Phone call for Kermit the Frog. You Kermit the Frog?
Kermit : Yeah.
Insolent Waiter : Phone.
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Kermit : [as he and the gang enter his office] Um, Mr. Lord, forgive the interruption, but I'm here to audition.
All Muppets : Yes! Yes!
Kermit : We've come over 2000 miles, and...
[Stops when Lew Lord turns around in his chair to face him, making him nervous now]
Kermit : Um... oh boy.
Miss Piggy : Kermie, we are all with you.
Kermit : Um, please sir, my name is Kermit the Frog, and we've read your ad, and, well, we've come to be rich and famous.
Lew Lord : [Has a brief staredown with Kermit, then into his intercom] Miss Tracy, prepare the standard 'Rich and Famous' contract for Kermit the Frog and Company.
[They all look stunned for a moment, then all the rest of the Muppets start cheering and celebrating behind Kermit, who just looks on shocked and starry-eyed]
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[Kermit and the Muppets arrive in Hollywood]
Miss Piggy : Oh, Kermie, look, it's wonderful. Like a dream come true.
Kermit : Well, don't count your tadpoles until they've hatched, I still have to audition, you know.
Floyd Pepper : Hey, there ain't nothin' to it but to do it!
Lord's Secretary : [closes the door] And where do you think you're going?
Kermit : Oh, hi there. We're here to audition for Lew Lord.
Lord's Secretary : You just can't walk in here off the street you know, especially with all these animals.
Kermit : Animals? Wh-What's wrong with animals?
[Muppets mutter indignantly but indistinctly]
Lord's Secretary : This is a movie studio, not a zoo. Besides...
[sneezes]
Lord's Secretary : ...I'm allergic to animal hair. Now get along all of you.
Kermit : Now wait a second, miss. I may not be one of your fancy Hollywood frogs, but I deserve a chance, and we're going to stay right here in this office until you let us in to see Lew Lord. Aren't we, gang?
[the Muppets shout "Yes" indistinctly]
Lord's Secretary : [on the phone] Security, Miss Tracey. I want to report a...
[the Muppets shake their fur, causing the secretary to sneeze convulsively until she finally opens the office door]
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Rowlf the Dog : [singing] You can't live with 'em, you can't live without 'em. / There's something irresistible-ish about 'em. / We grin and bear it 'cause the nights are long. / I hope that something better comes along.
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Dr. Teeth : [to Crazy Harry] You know, I hear this movie's dynamite.
[Crazy Harry blows up a chair]
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Kermit : Frankly, Miss Piggy, I don't give a hoot.
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Kermit : If that's not the kind of man you are... or... what I'm saying doesn't make any sense to you, well then... go ahead and kill me.
Doc Hopper : [takes off his hat and fluffs his hair; reluctantly] All right boys. Kill him.
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Rowlf the Dog : ha ha!
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Fozzie : [after Kermit has turned down Doc Hopper's offer] Five hundred dollars? Would you consider a *bear* in a frog suit?
Kermit : Fozzie!
Fozzie : I'm sorry, sir, I just lost my head.
Doc Hopper : [as Kermit and Fozzie drive off] Just a minute, Mr. Frog; everything's negotiable!
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Kermit : Well, I have a dream too, but it's about singing and dancing and making people happy. It's the kind of dream that gets better the more people you share it with. And I found a whole group of friends who have the same dream, and that kind of makes us like a family. You have anybody like that, Hopper? I mean, once you get all those restaurants, who're you gonna share it with? Who are your friends, Doc? Those guys?
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Kermit : Did we do something wrong, Officer?
All Muppets : [Shocked when it reveals that the police officer is Max]
Kermit : Okay, guys, let him explain.
Max : This whole disguise is only so that I can warn you.
Fozzie : Okay, sure, sure.
Max : I never thought Doc was going to hurt Kermit; I thought he was going to lean on him a little. But now he's got this frog killer in from the coast, And the man is DEADLY!
All Muppets : [Everybody gets shocked about the frog killer]
Kermit : Hold it, Dr. Teeth, What's up ahead?
Dr. Teeth : It's only an old ghost town.
Kermit : Right.
[to Max]
Kermit : Listen, you go back and tell Doc Hopper I'll be waiting for him there.
Max : What?
Fozzie : [as everybody get scared and concerned] Kermit! You'll get killed!
Kermit : Listen. Listen, guys, I can't spend my whole life running away from a bully. It's time for a showdown.
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Rowlf the Dog : [while he and the rest of the Muppets with Kermit are shaking their dander into a fan towards Miss Tracy, Lew Lords secretary, forcing her to sneeze convulsively due to her allergies until she collapses and lets them into Lord's office, he quips] I'm allergic to cats myself.
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Miss Piggy : [after Miss Piggy and Kermit defeat and escape Max Krassman and his thugs] Well, shall we go now, Kermie?
Kermit the Frog : [the pay phone rings near them, he goes and answers] Just a second. Hello? Hmm.
[hands the receiver to her]
Kermit the Frog : Piggy, it's--it's your agent.
Miss Piggy : [Taking the receiver, in her pleasant voice] Awww, thank you.
[She then clears her throat, then into phone with a serious tone]
Miss Piggy : Yeah, Morty, what do ya got?
[pause]
Miss Piggy : Commercial?
[Turns to look at Kermit then back to the phone]
Miss Piggy : How much?
[pause]
Miss Piggy : Mm-hmm. When?
[pause]
Miss Piggy : Take it.
[She hangs up and faces Kermit]
Miss Piggy : Ummmmmm... ..goodbye.
[She quickly takes off leaving him]
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Dr. Teeth : Hey, hey hey! It's the man with the badge! Police, The Fuzz, The P.I... .
Miss Piggy : DON'T YOU DARE!
Dr. Teeth : I wasn't gonna think about it.
Kermit : Uh, Did we do something wrong, Officer?
[Everybody gets shocked when they found out that the police officer reveals to be Max]
Kermit : Okay, Guys. Let him explain.
Max : This whole disguise is only so that I can warn you.
Fozzie : Oh, Okay. Sure.
Max : I never though Doc is gonna hurt Kermit. I thought he's gonna lean on him a little. But now he has hired a frog killer in from the coast. And the man is DEADLY!
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Nigel : [laughs] Waddaya think?
Marvin Suggs : Wonderful! It was a wonderful feature! I loved it!
Rowlf the Dog : Great! Great, great show. Huh, Beaker?
Beaker : Oh yeah! Me me me me.
Rowlf the Dog : Yeah, whatever.
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Kermit : [annoyed] Hopper, what's the matter with you? You're gonna crazy chasing me halfway across the country. Why are you doing this to me?
Doc Hopper : Cause all my life I wanted to own a thousand frog-leg restaurants... and you're the key, greenie.
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Kermit : What do you think, Robin?
Robin the Frog : Uncle Kermit. I think you're a great actor.
Kermit : That wasn't acting that was real life.
