Only Fools and Horses (1981–2003)
Buster Merryfield: Uncle Albert Trotter
Photos
Quotes
-
Uncle Albert : During the war...
Del Boy : [interupts Albert] If you say during the war one more time, I'll pour this cup of tea over your head.
Uncle Albert : During the 1939-1945 conflict with Germany.
-
Uncle Albert : Is that the radio I hear, Rodney?
Rodney : No, Elton John popped in and he's rehearsing in the kitchen!
-
Uncle Albert : Your name Rodney, son?
Rodney : Well, it is when Trigger's not about!
-
Rodney : I don't think I'll ever laugh again.
Uncle Albert : Well, as long as yer 'appy, son.
-
Uncle Albert : During the 1939-1945 conflict with Germany - I was sailing on a frigate, HMS Sphinx, in the Adriatic. Now in those days a ship's crew was full of stress and fear.
Del Boy : Especially when they saw you walking up the gangplank!
Uncle Albert : So our old skipper, Captain Kenworthy, used to allay all those fears by creating a counter-worry. Like one day he announced there was a cholera epidemic on the ship.
Del Boy : I bet that cheered you all up, didn't it?
Uncle Albert : It took their minds off the U-boats and sharks.
Del Boy : Well, thanks for that, Unc. It's lucky your Captain Kenworthy never became a Samaritan. You wouldn't be able to get a tug under Chelsea Bridge for falling bodies!
-
Rodney : I could do with another blanket here, I'm freezing.
Del Boy : Yeah it is a bit cold.
Uncle Albert : Cold? You bits of kids don't know the meaning of the word. You should have been with me on the Russian convoys. One night it was so cold the flame on my lighter froze.
-
Uncle Albert : Now. Where's my bottle of wine?
Del Boy : Blimey. Captain Birds Eye's here in all.
-
Rodney : [pointing at Uncle Albert] Well it's his fault isn't it?
Uncle Albert : [to Del] What's he on about now?
Del Boy : Oh I don't bleedin know, do I?
Rodney : Look, every single battleship, cruiser and merchant ship he ever sailed on either got torpedoed of dive-bombed... and two of them in peace-time! I'm telling you Del, that man is a jinx!
Del Boy : Oh leave it out Rodney. You'll be burning Witches next!
-
Del Boy : [after seeing what Rodney had bought with the company money] What's the weather like out?
Uncle Albert : It's parky, Del!
Del Boy : [sarcastic] Good, good! Nice thick frost is there?
Uncle Albert : Bit slippery underfoot, yeah!
Del Boy : Oh, cushty! Nice notherly wind howling in from the Urals is there?
Uncle Albert : Cut's right through you, Del!
Del Boy : Lovely! Because today, Uncle Albert, owing to young Rodney's foresight and GCEs, while all them other plonkers down the market are selling woolly hats and thermal under-wear, we're gonna make a right killing. Do you know why we're gonna make a right killing? We ain't got woolly underwear!
[produces bottle from box]
Del Boy : *We've* got sun-tan lotion! And we ain't got just a little drop of sun-tan lotion! We've got 500 bloody quids' worth of the stuff!
Rodney : I've told you, I bought it as an investment!
Del Boy : An Investment! Menage a trois! In the middle of the worst winter for 2 million years, with the weatherman laying odds on a new Ice Age - this dipstick goes out and buys out Amber Solaire!
-
Marlene : Albert, you must have come back with more medals than the Russian Olympic squad!
Uncle Albert : Oh I didn't ask for 'em! They kept giving 'em to me!
-
Del Boy : I keep all the stuff I never intend to see in this old shed.
Uncle Albert : Why have you got this deep sea divers suit for, Del?
Del Boy : I bought it so you can go down and visit all the ships you sailed on you git!
-
Uncle Albert : The Paki shop won't let us have nothing on tick! Says it's part of his culture!
Rodney : Don't think it's got anything to do with the 46 quid we already owe 'em do you?
-
[repeated line]
Uncle Albert : During the war...
-
Uncle Albert : Keep the noise down will yer, I can hardly hear this!
Del Boy : Shut up you saucy old git.
Rodney : Well, even if you could hear it, you couldn't understand it, could you, it's in Indian!
Uncle Albert : In 1959 I was in Bombay!
Del Boy : You carry on much longer by tomorrow afternoon you could be in traction.
Uncle Albert : But I like this kind of music!
Del Boy : Ah! Oh yeah, look at that Rodney. It's one of his favourites that is. That's that good old fashioned sing-along number, Knees Up Mother Patel.
-
Uncle Albert : [after looking at an old WW2 photo of Uncle Albert's] Just a few hours after that photo was taken we was in action.
Del Boy : That's all you need, innit?
Uncle Albert : There was an American aircraft-carrier, anchored off-shore. The USS Pittsburgh. It was our job to protect her. Well, we'd only been sailing for about an hour and we crashed right into her. Cor, didn't half make a noise.
Del Boy : [incredulous] You went and whacked into the boat that you were going out to protect?
Uncle Albert : Yeah. It was a good job she was there actually, she picked up most of the survivors.
Rodney : Was your ship badly damaged?
Uncle Albert : *We* couldn't tell, Rodney, it sunk! Course, they tried to put the blame on me.
Del Boy : Sounds fair.
Uncle Albert : Just 'cos I was on watch at the time. I had me excuses ready!
Rodney : What, were you drunk?
Uncle Albert : Don't be silly! The American vessel was at battle stations and was showing no light. You weren't allowed. There was a war on.
Del Boy : Course there was.
Uncle Albert : So then they tried to get me on naval technicalities, like it happened in broad daylight.
Rodney : You didn't see an aircraft carrier?
Del Boy : Forty-two thousand tons of steel!
Uncle Albert : Well I wasn't close enough!
Rodney : You must have been reasonably close. Unc, you hit it!
Del Boy : They'd have stood more chance with Ray Charles in the crow's nest!
-
Uncle Albert : Have you ever thought about joining the navy, Rodney?
Rodney : Well, funnily enough, Unc, *no*! How could I join the navy?
Del Boy : Exactly. In the old days they'd take anyone - well, they took you! But nowadays, you've gotta have a cotchel of qualifications.
[pointing to Rodney]
Del Boy : I mean, what chance would Lawrence of Peckham stand?
Uncle Albert : I don't mean in the Royal navy. I was talking about the merchant. Just imagine it, Rodney. Monday, you sail out of Southhampton Water. Tuesday, you're through the Bay of Biscay. Wednesday, you've rounded Cape St Vincent. Thursday, you dock in Algiers...
Del Boy : [cutting in] And Friday it's your turn in the barrel!
Rodney : [distressed] Eh?
Uncle Albert : There was nothing like that on any of my vessels! A few funny ones but nothing like that!
-
Uncle Albert : I was reading in the Sunday papers about them fellas that pick up with these rich old widows - what they call 'em - toy boys! You wanna see the stuff they pick up for presents. Solid gold watches, sports cars - money! Might be worth considering!
Rodney : [Del and Rodney give each other weird glances] Well, we both admire your spirit, Uncle, but don't you think you've left it a bit late for that sort of thing?
Uncle Albert : I'm not talking about me! I meant you!
Rodney : [incredulous] Me? I'm not selling my body to some old tart! Thank you!
Uncle Albert : Not even for the family?
Rodney : Especially not for the family! I'm not going to let myself become some... hooker!
