Cheers (1982–1993)

Rhea Perlman: Carla Tortelli, Carla LeBec, Annette Lozupone, Self

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Quotes 

• Cliff : What a pathetic display. I'm ashamed God made me a man.

  Carla : I don't think God's doing a lot of bragging either.

• Carla : I've got it! I've got it!

  Diane : What, you've actually managed to conjure up something besides yet ANOTHER illegitimate child?

  Carla : Ooooh, a completely unprovoked personal attack... I like it!

• Diane : He's trying to make a mountain out of a molehill.

  Carla : He wants you to wear a padded bra?

• Lilith : Well, I'm off. I don't know what the future holds. Whatever happens, I only hope I can realize my full potential. To acquire things the old Lilith never had.

  Carla : Like a body temperature?

  Lilith : That's very good, Carla. Incidentally, I've taken your little wisecracks for a few years now, you hideous gargoyle, and if you ever open that gateway to hell you call a mouth in my direction again, I'll snap off your extremities like dead branches and feed them to you at gunpoint.

• Lilith : Frasier, I've got to run. I'm having my photograph taken for a new ID badge at the lab.

  Rebecca : Are you going to get your hair done for that?

  Lilith : Why on earth should I?

  Carla : Well, at least get the tension on that bun checked. I mean, if that baby goes, we're all dead.

  Lilith : That hardly seems just coming from a woman whose hair has never seen a greasy pot it couldn't scrub clean.

• [Frasier is looking into Lilith's purse] 

  Frasier : Oh, dear God.

  Sam : What? What is it?

  Frasier : Lilith is carrying a dead rat in her purse. Why would she be carrying a dead rat in her purse?

  Carla : Just a wild guess: a snack?

• Carla : If the Brady Bunch crashes in the Andes who would they eat first?

  Woody : Well probably the maid, 'cause she's not kin.

  Cliff : Yeah, but if they were smart they would ask her the best way to prepare herself.

• Norm : I want something light and cold.

  Carla : Sorry, it's Diane's day off.

• Norm : Boy, I envy Sammy and his carefree lifestyle.

  Carla : Yeah.

  Norm : Night after night, he dates pretty girls, while I sit here and wrestle with the world's problems.

  Carla : You do not.

  Norm : What do you mean? Last night I let out a moan at the thought of nuclear war.

  Carla : It wasn't 'cuz of nuclear war, it's cuz we ran out of beer nuts.

  Norm : It was a combination of the two.

• Norm : I have, on several occasions, been known to perspire a bit.

  Carla : We could grow rice.

• Diane : Methinks the man does protest too much.

  Woody : Excuse me, Miss Chambers, but shouldn't it be "I thinks?"

  Carla : Not in your case, Woody.

• [Carla has recieved a bouquet of flowers] 

  Sam : Who's your secret admirer?

  [Carla beckons for Sam to come closer, which he does] 

  Carla : None of your damn business!

  Coach : What'd she say?

  Sam : "None of your damn business."

  Coach : [angry]  Well, excuse me for living! How would you like it if I said that to you when you asked me to teach you how to throw a knuckleball?

  Sam : You DID, Coach.

  Coach : Oh, then we're even.

• Frasier : I've been taking stock of myself.

  Carla : Not exactly AT&T, is it?

• Carla : What are you all sitting around here like a bunch of wimps for?

  Norm : It's what wimps do.

• Sam : Are you crazy? Did I hear you just turn down a date with that girl? C'mon, man, reel her in.

  Frasier : Oh, Sam, you don't seem to understand. Look, I just came off a seven year marriage. It's hard to think of replacing Lilith.

  Carla : Just go to the morgue and open any drawer.

• [Carla and Diane are discussing Nick's new wife] 

  Carla : Look, here's a picture of them.

  [Diane looks at it, and rolls her eyes] 

  Diane : She's naked.

  Carla : So what? So is he.

  Diane : [looking at the picture again]  I thought he was wearing mohair pajamas.

• Carla : I think I'm going to be pregant for the rest of my life, just like it said in the yearbook.

  Sam : Stubborn little bugger, isn't he?

  Carla : You know, Sammie, I think he's found out about his brothers and sisters and has decided to remain inside where it's safe.

• Lilith : We've been examining our lives and discovered some frightening things.

  Carla : You finally found Diane walled up in Frasier's crawlspace?

• Carla : I'm scared. Norm, hold my hand.

  [Carla grabs Norm's hand] 

  Norm : Woods, hold my hand.

  [Norm grabs Woody's hand. He looks at his beer, and then his hands] 

  Norm : Um, Lilith, could you pass me a straw?

• Carla : Who's the biggest bigwig of them all?

  Al : [his first line]  Sinatra.

• [the bar holds a drawing to decide the night's designated driver] 

  Carla : And the lucky loser is... Norm Peterson.

  Norm : Great, the first time I enter this thing and you can't pick...

  [Norm pulls another slip from the hat] 

  Norm : Norm Peterson or...

  [Norm pulls another slip from the hat] 

  Norm : Norm Peterson or...

  [Norm pulls another slip from the hat] 

  Norm : Norm Peterson or...

  [Norm pulls another slip from the hat] 

  Norm : Oh, Frasier Crane. At least somebody was honest.

  Frasier : I beg your pardon. I wrote "Norm Peterson".

  [Norm looks at the slip again] 

  Norm : You're right. I wrote that.

• [Designated driver Norm returns to the bar] 

  Norm : Beer please.

  [Sam slides a beer to Norm, but Carla intercepts it] 

  Carla : Sorry, Norm. Until the night is over, you're still our designated driver.

  Norm : I know that and you know that, but did you have to call every bar in town and tell them?

• Cliff : Hey Carla, I have a potato that looks like Richard Milhouse Nixon.

  Carla : Big deal. Show me one that doesn't.

• Carla : [to Sam after he complains about the difficulty of doing a Catholic penance]  "It's not a religion for wusses."

• Rebecca : You guys, I have my new wedding dress. And now all I need is something old, something borrowed, and something blue.

  Carla : How 'bout Norm's liver?

  Norm : I am almost finished with it.

• Esther Clavin : The last thing I want to see is my son's face on the 11 o'clock news.

  Carla : There's an entire city that agrees with you.

• Carla : I have five kids.

  Dr. Bennett Ludlow : Five?

  Carla : Well, five and counting. You're gonna be a father.

• [the bar is littered with ingredients as Diane is trying to make a Bloody Mary] 

  Diane : Lot of ingredients in a Bloody Mary, Sam.

  Sam : Yeah, I know. That's why we usually mix up 5 gallons and put it in the refrigerator beforehand. How come doing this, Carla? Why'd you let her do it?

  Carla : I wanted to see her try and make vodka.

• Carla : Yeah, Lilith you look like a million bucks.

  Lilith : Thank you Carla.

  Carla : You didnt let me finish, what I was going to say was you look like a million bucks just stampeded across your face.

  Lilith : Thank you Carla, I hope you don't forget us when you become president of Hallmark.

• Cliff : It's a little know fact that 42% of deaths in America are caused by accidents in the home.

  Carla : So were you.

• [Diane continues to waffle on whether or not to leave Cheers] 

  Carla : [exasperated]  I've had WARTS that went away faster.

• [Sam and Diane are fighting... yet again] 

  Carla : Oh, now why would I want to miss this? Yet another episode of "The Young and the Chestless"?

• [the Cheers gang goes to the Olde Towne Tavern and finds Al] 

  Carla : Hey, Al, why aren't you at Cheers?

  Al : [looking around at the inside of Gary's]  Holy mackerel! This isn't Cheers?

• Rebecca : I was told by my boss to come up with something for the retirement party so I got this left over seafood platter from Melville's.

  Carla : Leftover seafood? Isn't that kind of cheap?

  Rebecca : What should I have done? Strip naked and dance on the tables to "Funky Cold Medina"?

  Sam : We could help you rehearse.

• Cliff : Ah, there he is. Dr. Frasier Crane. The man who won the hand of Diane Chambers.

  Carla : Found out he had to keep the rest of her.

• Carla : [to Nick Tortelli]  You do anything to ruin my lovely daughter's wedding and I will choke you till your eyes bug out.

  Cliff : [tearfully]  It's just like "The Waltons".

• Diane : Oh no. The thing I feared most has happened.

  Carla : What? Your Living Bra died of boredom?

• Cliff : Is this me or is this getting a little weird?

  Carla : You passed weird six months ago.

  Norm : Now you're boldly going where no man has gone before.

  Cliff : Boy, I guess it's true what they say, huh? There's a fine line between gardening and madness.

• Lilith : No, you don't understand. Usually, we don't get attached to the rats, but this one was so special. We even named him. Everyone in the lab called him Whitey.

  Carla : Are you sure they weren't talking to you?

  Lilith : No, Carla, they were talking about Whitey the rat.

  Carla : Okay, I'll ask again. Are you sure they weren't talking to you?

• [Nash punches out Woody in a fight, then Kelly shows up] 

  Kelly Gaines : I came here to stop the fight.

  Carla : Fight? I've had sneezes that lasted longer.

• Carla : Where's Diane?

  Sam : Oh, she's out at an interview to be a T.A. at some college.

  Carla : She'll never get it. She's a big "A" with no "T"'s.

• Carla : If you can't say anything nice, say it about Diane.