- Mary: At the store, can you buy a new frying pan? I'm a little squeamish about using the one we use to kill people.
- Susan - Swinger in Fur: I was just saying to my husband, Moose, over there, you're a highly unusual-looking couple. We were wondering if you'd like to get together with us and have fun?
- Mary: Ah, what did you have in mind?
- Susan - Swinger in Fur: Oh, gee, we're up for about anything! You see, we're both bi, so we can go either way. But, actually, we do like straight sex. Moose is into voyeurism, and I'm into exhibitionism. We like B&D, but we don't like S&M. We met at the A&P.
- Sex Shop Salesman: Le Orgy Gel comes in lemon, mint, cherry or trail mix.
- Paul: Trail mix?
- Sex Shop Salesman: I was making a joke.
- Opening Narration: Hollywood, California. City of contrast. Home to the rich and powerful - yet so popular with the broken and destitute. Here, sex hunger is reflected in every aspect of daily life - and instant gratification is tirelessly pursued. A center of casual violence and capricious harassment - where rampant vice and amorality permeate every strata of society. And the barrier between food and sex has totally dissolved. It is a known fact that prolonged exposure to just such a psychopathic environment - will eventually warp even the most normal and decent among us. This, then, is the story of Hollywood today.
- Paul: [to Mary, after killing someone] Well, there's one consideration. If you'd done what he asked, he would have died anyway.
- Mr. Baker - the Horny Patient: I got money. You want big bucks? I got 'em. I don't mind paying cash for gash - as long as it's class.
- Sex Shop Salesman: Okay, your vibrators start at $10.95 and go up. We've got the Salami, Man-o'-War and...
- [pulls out huge vibrator]
- Sex Shop Salesman: Alien.
- Paul: Just give me the cheapest one.
- Sex Shop Salesman: Wait a minute. There's nothing cheap about my store. You mean inexpensive don't you?
- [pokes Paul on shoulder with "Alien" vibrator]
- Sex Shop Salesman: Isn't that what you meant?
- Paul: [intimidated] Yes.
- Sex Shop Salesman: That's what I thought you meant!
- Party Guest: Oh, beat me, Doris! Whip me! Make me write bad checks!
- Mary: Why should we give up any of that money? We had to kill two people to get it!
- Raoul Mendoza: You killed two people for less than a thousand dollars?
- Mary: ...One of them shortchanged us.
- Sex Shop Salesman: But I'm telling you - you're gonna need a lubricant for this vibrator. Unless your date's inflatable. Ha!
- Paul: For your information, I'm buying this to use as a novelty cocktail stirrer!
- Sex Shop Salesman: [shouts] Sure!
- Nurse Sheila: So how long will you be gone?
- Mary: Oh, I don't know. As long as it takes to apply for a loan.
- Nurse Sheila: You'll probably get it. That dress sure shows off your collateral.
- Raoul Mendoza: We're gonna move into a place that's real class. Red velvet wallpaper, gold lamps and those real good black velvet paintings. No cheap stuff.
- Mr. Cray - Liquor Store Owner: Who told you to order a case of Chateau Lafitte Rothschild? This stuff goes for $400 a bottle. We don't have customers for that kind of item. You got your head up your ass?
- Mr. Baker - the Horny Patient: Paul? Isn't that the dumpy dude who came by for you a couple days ago? Boy, he seems like a giant hard-off.
- Mary: I hope this place that James found is gonna be as good as it sounds. You know, I was thinking about what we should name it and - I know that you love 'Chez Bland' and I do too - but, well, what if we just called it 'Paul and Mary's Country Kitchen'?
- Doris the Dominatrix: You look like you need discipline, slave.
- Paul: I have to go, really. We're having a friend to dinner.
- Doris the Dominatrix: Lick my boot, pig!
- Mary: Where's Paul?
- Drunk Swinger: He's busy with the Marquis de Sade, so I thought I'd get it on with you. What do you say?
- Mary: No, thank you.
- Drunk Swinger: No thank you? Is that all you're gonna say? You not even gonna help my ego by telling me you got a weird *pussy* disease?
- Mr. Leech: Well, looking at you, Mrs. Bland, I have no doubt in my mind that you would be a success at anything you - put your hand to.
- Mr. Baker - the Horny Patient: Is this you? "Doris the Dominatrix"?
- Mary: That's right, buster. And I'm way out of your league. So, stay away from me, or I'll hit you with my whip!
- Mr. Baker - the Horny Patient: I thought you were a lot more hip than you let on.
- Mr. Leech: Mrs. Bland, every weekend I give a party for some of my more sexually liberated friends. Many of them are bank customers like yourself. Could you come next weekend?
- Hippie: Don't be afraid! Don't be afraid. Fear is a mind trap, baby. What we fear is the past becoming the future. What we really have - is now.
- Nazi: I don't know why it is that I feel so merciful today. Fräulein, perhaps - it is because you look so innocent - so respectful of me. Or perhaps it is because I know that the more you wait for the pain the more you will enjoy the pain. Even now, these creamy white shoulders are *aching* for the lash.
- Hippie: Time is all relative. Wait a minute, I'm peaking. I'm peaking. The music is the Dead. The incense, coconut.
- Hippie: I'll tell you something, I've been to hell and back, bitch. While you were sitting at home watching "Captain Kangaroo" and munching on Cocoa Puffs, I was in Nam defending your ass. But, oh, I'm not hip enough for you.
- [ripping off Mary's clothes]
- Hippie: Oh, I didn't know that you hippie broads wore underwear.
- Mary: I think I should get dressed now.
- Raoul Mendoza: You should be dressed - but only in the most beautiful furs. The finest silk next to your fine body.
- Mary: I have to get up.
- Raoul Mendoza: You should have servants to massage you and pamper you. A sexy woman like you should always be relaxed. Like a beautiful - rich - purring cat.
- Mary: The lights. Turn out the lights.
- Raoul Mendoza: You don't understand who you're dealing with. I'm a hot-blooded, emotional, crazy Chicano!
- Howard Swine - Swingers Party Host: Get out of your clothes and get into the hot tub or get the hell out! We don't want any wet blankets or spoilsports at this party! We're here to swing!