Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982)

Ray Walston: Mr. Hand

Photos 

Quotes 

• [Spicoli has had a pizza delivered to class] 

  Mr. Hand : Am I hallucinating here? Just what in the hell do you think you're doing?

  Jeff Spicoli : Learning about Cuba, and having some food.

  Mr. Hand : Mr. Spicoli, you're on dangerous ground here. You're causing a major disturbance on my time.

  Jeff Spicoli : I've been thinking about this, Mr. Hand. If I'm here and you're here, doesn't that make it our time? Certainly, there's nothing wrong with a little feast on our time.

  Mr. Hand : [takes away box of pizza from Spicoli]  You're absolutrly right, Mr. Spicoli. It is our time. Yours, mine and everyone else's in this room. But it is my class.

  [calls up a couple of students] 

  Mr. Hand : Mr. Spicoli has been kind enough to bring us a snack. Be my guest. Help yourselves. Get a good one.

• Jeff Spicoli : Hey, you're ripping my card.

  Mr. Hand : Yes.

  Jeff Spicoli : Hey bud, what's your problem?

  Mr. Hand : No problem at all. I think you know where the front office is.

  Jeff Spicoli : [stunned]  You dick!

• Mr. Hand : What are you, people? On dope?

• Mr. Hand : [handing out graded test] 

  [22:51] 

  Mr. Hand : C. D. F. F. F. Three weeks we've been talking about the Platt Amendment. What are you people - on dope? A piece of legislation was introduced into Congress by Senator John Platt. It was passed in 1906. This amendment to our Constitution has a profound impact upon all of our...

  [notices Spicoli's seat is empty] 

  Mr. Hand : Where is Jeff Spicoli? I saw him earlier today, near the first floor bathrooms. Is he still on campus? Anyone?

  [Desmond raises hand] 

  Mr. Hand : Yes, Desmond?

  Desmond : I saw him by the food machines.

  Mr. Hand : How long ago?

  Desmond : Right before class.

  Mr. Hand : Okay. Bring him in.

  [Desmond exits] 

  Mr. Hand : What is this fascination with truancy? What is it that gets inside your heads? There are some teachers in this school who look the other way at truants. It's a little game that you both play. They pretend they don't see you. You pretend you don't ditch! Now, who pays the price later? *You!*

  [Desmond re-enters; Spicoli follows him. He has a bagel stuffed into his pants; with open shirt, barefoot, holding Vans] 

  Jeff Spicoli : Wait a minute, there's no birthday party for me here! Hello, Mr. Hand.

  Mr. Hand : What's the reason for your truancy?

  Jeff Spicoli : Just couldn't make it on time.

  Mr. Hand : You mean you couldn't or you wouldn't?

  Jeff Spicoli : It was like a full crowd scene at the food lines.

  Mr. Hand : Food will be eaten on your time. Why are you continuously late for this class, Mr. Spicoli? Why do you... shamelessly waste my time like this?

  Jeff Spicoli : [long pause, but then with complete truth in his answer]  I don't know.

  Mr. Hand : [Mr. Hand goes to blackboard and writes the words "I DON'T KNOW", then underlines them]  I like that. "I *don't* know." That's nice.

  Mr. Hand : [imitating]  "Mr. Hand, will I pass this class?" "Gee, Mr. Spicoli, I don't know!" That's nice. I really like that! You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to leave your words on this board for *all* my classes to enjoy, giving you full credit of course, Mr. Spicoli.

  Jeff Spicoli : All right.

• Mr. Hand : Mr. Spicoli?

  Jeff Spicoli : That's the name they gave me!

• Mr. Hand : Aloha. My name is Mr. Hand.

• Mr. Hand : [notices Spicoli's empty desk]  Where is Jeff Spicoli? I saw him near the first floor restrooms. Is he still on campus? Anyone? Yes, Desmond?

  Desmond : Uh, I saw him by the food machines.

  Mr. Hand : How long ago?

  Desmond : Right before class.

  Mr. Hand : Good. Bring him in.

  [Desmond exits the room] 

  Mr. Hand : [to the class]  What is this fascination about truancy? What is it that gets inside your heads? There are some teachers, in this school, who look the other way at truants. It's a little game you both play: they pretend they don't see you, you pretend you don't ditch. Now, who pays the price, later? You!

  Jeff Spicoli : [Spicoli, with a bagel tucked in his pants, enters the room as Desmond returns to his seat] 

  [laughs] 

  Jeff Spicoli : Hey, wait, there's no birthday party for me, here!

  [the class laughs] 

  Jeff Spicoli : Hola, Mr. Hand.

  Mr. Hand : What's the reason for your truancy?

  Jeff Spicoli : Just couldn't make it on time?

  Mr. Hand : You mean, you couldn't or you wouldn't?

  Jeff Spicoli : Well, there was big crowd scene over at the food lines.

  Mr. Hand : Food will be eaten on YOUR time! Why are you continuously late for this class, Mr. Spicoli? Why do you shamelessly waste my time like this?

  Mr. Hand : [dubious]  I don't know.

  [the class laughs as Hand sighs heavily and writes I DON'T KNOW across the blackboard] 

  Mr. Hand : I like that.

  [chuckles] 

  Mr. Hand : "I don't know". That's very nice.

  [to Spicoli] 

  Mr. Hand : You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna leave these words on the board for all my classes to enjoy, giving you full credit, of course, Mr. Spicoli.

  Jeff Spicoli : [happily]  All right.