A Christmas Story (1983)

Jean Shepherd: Ralphie as an Adult

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Quotes 

• Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating]  Only one thing in the world could've dragged me away from the soft glow of electric sex gleaming in the window.

• Ralphie : Ohhhh fuuudge!

  Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating]  Only I didn't say "Fudge." I said THE word, the big one, the queen-mother of dirty words, the "F-dash-dash-dash" word!

  The Old Man : [stunned]  What did you say?

  Ralphie : Uh, um...

  The Old Man : That's... what I thought you said. Get in the car... Go on.

  Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating]  It was all over - I was dead. What would it be? The guillotine? Hanging? The chair? The rack? The Chinese water torture? Hmmph. Mere child's play compared to what surely awaited me.

• [last lines] 

  Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating]  Next to me in the blackness lay my oiled blue steel beauty. The greatest Christmas gift I had ever received, or would ever receive. Gradually, I drifted off to sleep, pranging ducks on the wing and getting off spectacular hip shots.

• Mother : Are you ready to tell me?

  [Ralphie mumbles yes] 

  Mother : Alright, where did you hear that word?

  Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating]  Now, I had heard that word at least ten times a day from my old man. He worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay. It was his true medium; a master. But, I chickened out and said the first name that came to mind.

  Ralphie : Schwartz!

  Mother : Oh, I see.

  [Puts soap back in Ralphie's mouth] 

  Ralphie : [Ralphie mumbles and scream] 

• Mother : [gets on the phone]  Hello, Mrs. Schwartz? Yes, I'm fine. Uh, Mrs. Schwartz, do you know what Ralph just said?

  [Mrs. Schwartz's speech is inaudible] 

  Mother : No, he said...

  [whispers it close to the receiver] 

  Mrs. Schwartz : [in a hysterical tone]  NO, NOT THAT!

  Mother : Yes, that! Do you know where he heard it?

  Mrs. Schwartz : Probably from his father.

  Mother : No! He heard it from your son!

  Mrs. Schwartz : [screams hysterically]  WHAT? WHAT? WHAAAAAAT?

  [footsteps are heard followed by screaming and spanking] 

  Schwartz : [crying]  Ah, no! What did I do, Ma? What, I didn't do nothing! AAAAUUUUGGGGHHH!

  [Ralphie's mom hangs up the phone] 

  Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating]  Another shot of mysterious, inexorable, official justice.

• Flick : Are you kidding? Stick my tongue to that stupid pole? That's dumb!

  Schwartz : That's 'cause you know it'll stick!

  Flick : You're full of it!

  Schwartz : Oh yeah?

  Flick : Yeah!

  Schwartz : Well I double-DOG-dare ya!

  Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating]  NOW it was serious. A double-dog-dare. What else was there but a "triple dare you"? And then, the coup de grace of all dares, the sinister triple-dog-dare.

  Schwartz : I TRIPLE-dog-dare ya!

  Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating]  Schwartz created a slight breach of etiquette by skipping the triple dare and going right for the throat!

• Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating]  The old man stood there, quivering with fury, stammering as he tried to come up with a real crusher. All he got out was...

  The Old Man : Naddafinga!

• Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating]  Some men are Baptists, others Catholics; my father was an Oldsmobile man.

  The Old Man : That son of a bitch would freeze up in the middle of summer on the equator!

  Mother : Little pitchers!

  The Old Man : Thanks... hold it!

  [the furnace conks out] 

  The Old Man : It's a clinker! That blasted stupid furnace dadgummit!

  [he walks down a few stairs and falls the rest of the way down] 

  The Old Man : Damn skates!

  [coughing] 

  The Old Man : Oh, for cripes sake, open up the damper will ya? Who the hell turned it all the way down? AGAIN! Oh, blast it! Poop flirt, rattle crap, camel flirt! You blunder frattle beak struckle brat! Of a womp sack butt bottom fodder...

  Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating]  In the heat of battle my father wove a tapestry of obscenities that as far as we know is still hanging in space over Lake Michigan.

  The Old Man : ...smick melly whop walker! Drop dumb fratten housestickle viper!

• Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating]  Over the years I got to be quite a connoisseur of soap. My personal preference was for Lux, but I found Palmolive had a nice, piquant after-dinner flavor - heady, but with just a touch of mellow smoothness. Lifebuoy, on the other hand...

  Ralphie : YECCHH!

• The Old Man : You filty sicken hook-aid! Oh, smelly wok buster! Grout shell fratten house stickle fifer! You bladder puss nut grafter! Dorton hoper...

  Ralphie as an Adult : What happened next was a family controversy for years.

  The Old Man : You wart mundane noodle! You shotten shifter paskabah! You snort tonguer! Lame monger snaffa shell cocker!

  [the sound of the lamp breaking is heard] 

• Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating]  Meanwhile, I struggled for exactly the right BB gun hint. It had to be firm, but subtle.

  Ralphie : Flick says he saw some grizzly bears near Pulaski's candy store!

  [everyone stares at Ralphie] 

  Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating]  They looked at me as if I had lobsters crawling out of my ears.

• Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating]  Aunt Clara had for years labored under the delusion that I was not only perpetually 4 years old, but also a girl.

• Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating, after BB gun shot bounces off target and hits his face]  Oh my god, I shot my eye out!

• Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating about diving with his brother into the gifts under the Christmas tree]  Christmas had come officially. We plunged into the cornucopia quivering with desire and the ecstasy of unbridled avarice.

  The Old Man : Didn't I get a tie this year?

• Ralphie : Scut Farkus!

  Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating]  Scut Farkus! What a rotten name! We were trapped. There he stood, between us and the alley. Scut Farkus staring out at us with his yellow eyes. He had yellow eyes! So help me, God! Yellow eyes!

• Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating]  Oh, life is like that. Sometimes, at the height of our revelries, when our joy is at its zenith, when all is most right with the world, the most unthinkable disasters descend upon us.

• Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating]  The snap of a few sparks, a quick whiff of ozone, and the lamp blazed forth in unparalleled glory.

  The Old Man : Oh, look at that! Will you look at that? Isn't that glorious? It's... it's... it's indescribably beautiful! It reminds me of the Fourth of July!

• Kid with Goggles : I like Santa.

  Ralphie : Yeah.

  Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating]  Let's face it, most of us are scoffers. But moments before zero hour, it did not pay to take chances.

• Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating, after Mother breaks the Old Man's Major Award, and he is unsuccessful at repairing it]  With as much dignity as he could muster, the Old Man gathered up the sad remains of his shattered Major Award. Later that night, alone in the backyard, he buried it next to the garage. Now I could never be sure, but I thought that I heard the sound of "Taps" being played, gently.

• Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating]  I have since heard of people under extreme duress speaking in strange tongues. I became conscious that a steady torrent of obscenities and swearing of all kinds was pouring out of me as I screamed.

• The Old Man : Dadgummit! Blow out!

  [on the highway, the car has gotten a flat tire] 

  The Old Man : Aha!

  [excitedly gets out of the car] 

  Mother : Not again.

  The Old Man : Four minutes. Time me.

  Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating]  Actually the Old Man loved it. He had always pictured himself in the pits of the Indianapolis Speedway in the 500. My old man's spare tires were actually only tires in the academic sense. They were round, they had once been made of rubber.

• [Ralphie is visiting Santa at the department store, only he can't remember what he wanted] 

  Santa Claus : What do you want for Christmas, little boy?

  Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating]  My mind had gone blank. Frantically, I tried to remember what it was I wanted. I was blowing it, blowing it.

  Male Elf : Come on, kid.

  Santa Claus : How about a nice football?

  Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating]  Football? Football? What's a football? With unconscious will my voice squeaked out.

  [Ralphie nods] 

  Santa Claus : Football. Okay, get him out of here.

  Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating]  A football? Oh no, what was I doing? Wake up, Stupid! Wake up!

  Ralphie : [Ralphie is shoved down the slide, but he stops himself and climbs back up]  No, no! I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!

  Santa Claus : You'll shoot your eye out, kid.

  [Ralphie gasps] 

  Santa Claus : Merry Christmas. Ho, ho, ho!

  [Santa pushes Ralphie down the slide with his boot] 

  Ralphie : No-o-o-o-o-o-o!

• Ralphie : [chuckles]  I was just kidding, even though Schwartz is getting one. I guess I'd just like some Tinker Toys.

  Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating]  I couldn't believe my own ears. Tinker Toys? She'd never buy it.

  Mother : BB guns are dangerous. I don't want anyone shooting his eye out.

• The Old Man : [after Mother "accidentally" breaks the Old Man's leg lamp]  Don't you touch that! You were always jealous of this lamp.

  Mother : Jealous of a plastic...

  The Old Man : Jealous! Jealous because I WON.

  Mother : That's ridiculous. Jealous. Jealous of WHAT? That is... the ugliest lamp I have ever seen in my entire LIFE!

  Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating]  Now it was out.

• Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating]  My father worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay. It was his true medium, a master.

• The Old Man : [shouting]  Don't anybody move! Hold it right there! The fuse is out.

  Ralphie as an Adult : My old man could fix a fuse faster than a jack rabbit on a date.

• The Old Man : [unveiling his major award]  Would you look at that? Would you look at THAT?

  Mother : What is it?

  The Old Man : It's a leg!

  Mother : But what is it?

  The Old Man : Well, it's... A leg, you know, like a statue.

  Mother : Statue?

  The Old Man : Yeah, statue.

  Ralphie : Yeah, statue.

  Mother : Ralphie!

  Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating]  My mother was trying to insinuate herself between us and the statue.

• Ralphie as an Adult : Immediately, my feet began to sweat as those two fluffy little bunnies with a blue button eye stared sappily up at me.

  Mother : Come down, so I can see you better.

  Ralphie as an Adult : I just hope Flick would never spot them as a word of this humiliation could make easier in life at Warren G. Harding School a variatable Hell.

• Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating]  Grover Dill! Farkus's crummy little toadie. Mean! Rotten! His lips curled over his green teeth. Randy lay there like a slug! It was his only defense!

• Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating]  My kid brother looked like a tick about to pop!

• Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating]  Strange. Even something as momentous as "The Scut Farkus affair." Which it came to be known, was pushed out of my mind as I struggled to come up with a way out of the impenetrable BB gun web, in which my mother had me trapped.

  Ralphie : Santa. Yeah, I'll ask Santa.

  Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating]  Of course. Santa. The big man. The head honcho. The connection. Ha, my mother had slipped up this time.

• Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating]  There has never been a kid who didn't believe vaguely but incessantly that he would be stricken blind before he reached 21, and then they'd be sorry.

• Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating]  Every family has a kid that won't eat. My little brother had not eaten voluntarily in over three years.

• The Old Man : [In the Chinese restaurant, the waiter brings out the cooked duck, which still has its head on; Mrs. Parker is laughing]  Yes, it's a beautiful duck. It really is. But you see... it's smiling at me.

  [He lifts the head of the duck] 

  Chinese Father : Ooohh!

  [He chops off the duck's head. Mrs. Parker screams the she and the kids are laughing] 

  Ralphie as an Adult : That Christmas would live in our memories as the year we were introduced to Chinese turkey. And all is right with the world.

• Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating]  Preparing to go to school was like getting ready for extended deep-sea diving.

• Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating]  The line waiting to see Santa Claus stretched all the way back to Terre Haute. And I was at the end of it.

• Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating]  The heavenly aroma still hung in the house. But it was gone, all gone! No turkey! No turkey sandwiches! No turkey salad! No turkey gravy! Turkey Hash! Turkey a la King! Or gallons of turkey soup! Gone, ALL GONE!

• The Old Man : Holy smokes. Do... Do you know what this is? This is... A lamp!

  Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating]  It was indeed a lamp.

  The Old Man : Isn't that great? What a great lamp.

  Mother : I don't know...

  Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating]  The old man's eyes boggled...

  The Old Man : Oh WOW!

  Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating]  ... Overcome by art.

• The Old Man : Get in the car. Get in the car.

  [Mother runs back inside] 

  The Old Man : If we don't hurry, we're gonna miss all the good trees!

  [turns back to the boys] 

  The Old Man : Go on, go on.

  Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating, as Mother switches off the leg lamp]  My mother was about to make another brilliant maneuver in the legendary battle of the lamp. The epic struggle which follows lives in the folklore of Cleveland Street to this very day.

  Mother : Don't want to waste electricity.

  The Old Man : [mimicking]  "Don't want to waste electricity."

  Mother : Come on, Ralphie. Get in the car.

• Ralphie as an Adult : C+? Oh no, it CAN'T be!

  Ralphie : C+?

  Miss Shields : [in Ralphie's fantasy, dressed as the Wicked Witch]  C+! C+! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

• Ralphie : [Giving his teacher a fruit basket instead of just an apple]  I thought you might like something different.

  Ralphie as an Adult : Yes, clearly, a little bribe never hurts.

• Ralphie as an Adult : [chuckling]  Ho, ho, but no matter. Christmas was on its way. Lovely, glorious, beautiful Christmas, upon which the entire kid year revolved.

• Ralphie as an Adult : First-nighters, packed earmuff-to-earmuff, jostled in wonderment before a golden, tinkling display of mechanized, electronic joy!

• Ralphie as an Adult : Mothers know nothing about creeping marauders burrowing through the snow toward the kitchen where only you and you alone stand between your tiny, huddled family and insensate evil.

• Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating]  Round One was over.

  [chuckling] 

  Ralphie as an Adult : Parents one, kids zip. I can feel the Christmas noose beginning to tighten. Maybe, what happened next, was inevitable.

  Mother : Ralphie, what would you like for Christmas?

  Ralphie as an Adult : Horrified, I heard myself blurt it out!

  Ralphie : I want an Official Red Ryder carbine action two-hundred shot range model air rifle.

  [Realizing he's made a mistake] 

  Ralphie : Ooohhh...

  Mother : No, shoot your eye out.

  Ralphie as an Adult : Oh, no! It was a classic, mother BB-gun block. "You'll shoot your eye out!" That deadly phrase honored many times by hundreds of mothers was not surmountable by any means known to Kiddom, but such as my mania, my desire for a Red Ryder carbine, that I immediately began to rebuild the dike.

• [Furnace makes creaking noise] 

  The Old Man : Hold it! Shhh...

  [Furnace makes loud banging noises] 

  The Old Man : Aha! Aha! It's a clinkerrrr! That blasted, stupid furnace! Dadgummit!

  [Mr. Parker falls down the stairs] 

  The Old Man : Damn skates!

  [coughing] 

  The Old Man : Oh for cripe's sake, open up that damper, will ya? Who the hell turned it all the way down? Hawk head! Aw, blasted poop flirt rattle crap camel flirt. You blonker frattle feet sturckle frat! Of a womp sack butt ratter bottom fodder...

  Ralphie as an Adult : In the heat of battle, my father wove a tapestry of obscenity, that as far as we know is still hanging in space over Lake Michigan.

  The Old Man : ...smick melly whop walker. Drop dumb fratten house stickle fifer!

• Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating]  I slowly began to realize I was not about to be destroyed! From then on, things were different between me and my mother.

• Man in Line for Santa : Young man? Hey, kid? Just where do you think you're going?

  Ralphie : Going up to see Santa.

  Man in Line for Santa : The line ENDS here. It begins THERE.

  [Points to the very end of a very long line] 

  Ralphie : Oh, no.

• Miss Shields : Where's Flick? Has anyone seen Flick?

  Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating as Ralphie feigns ignorance]  Flick? Flick who?

• Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating]  Was there no end to the conspiracy of irrational prejudice against Red Ryder and his peacemaker?

• Ralphie as an Adult : [regarding the note on his report]  Oh, no! "You'll shoot your eye out!"?

  Ralphie : Oh, no!

  Ralphie as an Adult : My mother must have gotten to Miss Shields! There could be no other explanation!

  Miss Shields , Mother : [in Ralphie's fantasy, Miss Shields is dressed as the Wicked Witch and Ralphie's mother as a jester, both chanting]  "You'll shoot your eye out! You'll shoot your eye out! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

  Ralphie as an Adult : Was there no end to this conspiracy of irrational prejudice against Red Ryder and his peacemaker?

• Ralphie as an Adult : My father's spare tires were only tires on the academic sense. They were round,and had once been made of rubber.

• Miss Shields : Now I know that some of you put Flick up to this, but he has refused to say who. But those who did it know their blame, and I'm sure that the guilt you feel is far worse than any punishment you might receive. Now, don't you feel terrible? Don't you feel remorse for what you have done? Well, that's all I'm going to say about poor Flick.

  Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating]  Adults loved to say things like that but kids knew better. We knew darn well it was always better not to get caught.

• [Describing a "reaction" to an encounter with the bullies] 

  Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating]  Randy lay there like a slug! It was his only defense!

• Ralphie : Hey, Dad! I bet you never guess what I got you for Christmas!

  The Old Man : [staring blissfully into space]  A new furnace?

  Ralphie : [chuckling]  That's a good one, dad!

  [Randy is laughing] 

  Ralphie as an Adult : My old man was one of the most feared furnace fighters in Northern Indiana.

• Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating]  I left Flick to certain annihilation. But BB gun mania knows no loyalty.

• Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating]  Honors and benefits already at the age of nine!

• Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating]  Downtown Hohman was preparing for this yearly baccanalia of peace on Earth and goodwill to men.

• Ralphie as an Adult : I slowly began to realize that i was not going to be destroyed.

• [first lines] 

  Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating]  Ah, there it is. My house, and good old Cleveland Street. How could I ever forget it? And there I am, with that dumb round face and that stupid stocking cap. Oh, but no matter. Christmas was on its way. Lovely, glorious, beautiful Christmas, around which the entire kid year revolved.

• Scut Farkus : Listen, jerk! When I tell you to come, you better come.

  [Ralphie quivers] 

  Scut Farkus : What, you're gonna cry now? Come on, crybaby! Cry for me, come on! CRY!

  [mimicking Ralphie crying and laughing, Ralphie begins to glare at him] 

  Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating]  Deep within the recesses of my brain, a tiny red hot little flame began to grow.

  [Ralph finally lunges at Scut for a final showdown] 

• [Scut Farkus scares Ralphie, Flick and Schwartz. But, he grabs Schwartz's arms] 

  Scut Farkus : Say "Uncle"!

  Schwartz : Uncle!

  Scut Farkus : Uncle.

  Schwartz : Uncle!

  Scut Farkus : Louder!

  Schwartz : Uncle!

  Scut Farkus : LOUDER!

  Schwartz : Uncle!

  Scut Farkus : Louder!

  Schwartz : [screams]  UNCLE!

  [Scut lets go of him] 

  Scut Farkus : Crybaby.

  Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating]  In our world, you were either a bully, a toady, or one of the nameless rabble of victims.

  Grover Dill : Alright, who's next?

  [roars, Ralphie, Randy, Flick and Schwartz screaming and running away. Scut Farkus and Grover Dill cackling] 

• Ralphie as an Adult : My mother hadn't had a hot meal for herself in fifteen years.

• Ralphie as an Adult : [When his father discovered the mess of the turkey from the dogs]  It was gone! All gone! No turkey, no turkey sandwiches, no turkey salad, no turkey gravy!