This Is Spinal Tap (1984)

Tony Hendra: Ian Faith

Photos 

Quotes 

• David St. Hubbins : I do not, for one, think that the problem was that the band was down. I think that the problem *may* have been, that there was a Stonehenge monument on the stage that was in danger of being *crushed* by a *dwarf*. Alright? That tended to understate the hugeness of the object.

  Ian Faith : I really think you're just making much too big a thing out of it.

  Derek Smalls : Making a big thing out of it would have been a good idea.

• Ian Faith : Nigel gave me a drawing that said 18 inches. Now, whether or not he knows the difference between feet and inches is not my problem. I do what I'm told.

  David St. Hubbins : But you're not as confused as him are you. I mean, it's not your job to be as confused as Nigel.

• Ian Faith : The Boston gig has been cancelled...

  David St. Hubbins : What?

  Ian Faith : Yeah. I wouldn't worry about it though, it's not a big college town.

• Nigel Tufnel : [about the back-stage buffet]  Look, this. This miniature bread, it like... I've been working with this now for about half an hour and i can't figure out... let's say I wanted a bite, right. You got this...

  Ian Faith : You'd like bigger bread?

  Nigel Tufnel : Exactly. I don't under stand how...

  Ian Faith : [gestures to the meat]  You could just fold this... though.

  Nigel Tufnel : [folding the bread]  Well, no... then it's half the size...

  Ian Faith : No, not the bread.

  [folding the meat] 

  Ian Faith : You could fold the meat...

  Nigel Tufnel : [still folding the bread]  Yeah, but then it breaks up. It breaks apart like this...

  Ian Faith : [putting the folded meat onto the miniature bread]  No, no, no... you put it on the bread like this; see?

  Nigel Tufnel : [folding the miniature sandwich]  But if you keep folding it, then it keeps breaking...

  Ian Faith : Why would you keep folding it?

  Nigel Tufnel : ...and then everything has to be folded... and then you have

  [holds up miniature sandwich] 

  Nigel Tufnel : ... this. And I don't want this. I want large bread, so I can put this...

  [puts meat between two pieces of miniature bread] 

  Nigel Tufnel : ... so then it's like this. But this doesn't work, because then it's all...

  Ian Faith : Because it hangs out like that?

  Nigel Tufnel : Look! would you be holding this?

  Ian Faith : No. I wouldn't want to eat...

  Nigel Tufnel : No! Alright, A. Exhibit, exhibit A.

  [throws down miniature sandwich] 

  Nigel Tufnel : And now we move onto this...

  [picks up an olive] 

  Nigel Tufnel : Look, look; who's in here? No one.

  [picks up an olive stuffed with pimento] 

  Nigel Tufnel : And in here, there's a little guy, look! So, it's a complete catastrophe!

  Ian Faith : Alright, Nigel, Nigel... calm down...

  Nigel Tufnel : Look... no, it's no big deal, It's a joke... it's really... it's a joke.

  Ian Faith : I'm sorry, it's just some prat at university, you know? I really... I don't want it to affect your performance.

  Nigel Tufnel : It's not going to affect my performance, don't worry about that. I just hate it... it really, it does disturb me, but i'll rise above it; I'm a professional.

• Bobbi Flekman : You put a *greased naked woman* on all fours with a dog collar around her neck, and a leash, and a man's arm extended out up to here, holding onto the leash, and pushing a black glove in her face to sniff it. You don't find that offensive? You don't find that sexist?

  Ian Faith : This is *1982*, Bobbi, c'mon!

  Bobbi Flekman : That's *right*, it's 1982! Get out of the '60s. We don't have this mentality anymore.

  Ian Faith : Well, you should have seen the cover they *wanted* to do! It wasn't a glove, believe me.

• Jeanine Pettibone : [following the disastrous Stonehenge performance]  If it got solved, that would be alright, but it doesn't get solved. I mean what do you think happened out there? What got solved tonight?

  Ian Faith : For one thing that goes wrong... one... one single thing that goes wrong, a hundred things go right. Do you know what I spend my time doing? I sleep two or three hours a night. There's no sex and drugs for Ian, David. Do you know what I do? I find lost luggage. I locate mandolin strings in the middle of Austin. You know? I prise the rent out of the local Hebrews. That's what I do!

• Ian Faith : They're not gonna release the album... because they have decided that the cover is sexist.

  Nigel Tufnel : Well, so what? What's wrong with bein' sexy? I mean there's no...

  Ian Faith : Sex-IST!

  David St. Hubbins : IST!

• Marty DiBergi : Dennis Eaton-Hogg, the president of Polymer Records, was recently knighted, what were the circumstances surrounding his knighthood?

  Ian Faith : The specific reason why he was knighted was uh for the founding of Hoggwood, which is um, a summer-camp for pale, young boys.

• Ian Faith : Certainly, in the topsy-turvy world of heavy rock, having a good solid piece of wood in your hand is often useful.

• Polly Deutsch : I was given this napkin, I mean...

  Ian Faith : Forget this! Fuck the napkin!

• Marty DiBergi : The last time Tap toured America, they where, uh, booked into 10,000 seat arenas, and 15,000 seat venues, and it seems that now, on their current tour they're being booked into 1,200 seat arenas, 1,500 seat arenas, and uh I was just wondering, does this mean, uh, the popularity of the group is waning?

  Ian Faith : Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no. No, not at all. I - I - I just think that the, uh, their appeal is becoming more selective.

• Ian Faith : I'm not talking to this twisted fruit anymore!

  Hotel Receptionist : I'm... just as God made me, Sir.

• Ian Faith : You know what? I quit!

• Tucker 'Smitty' Brown : Welcome to Memphis, gentlemen. We have a slight problem with your reservation. Nothing serious, I'm afraid.

  Ian Faith : How slight?

  Tucker 'Smitty' Brown : You wanted seven, uh, suites.

  Ian Faith : Seven. Seven suites.

  Tucker 'Smitty' Brown : Yes, we-we mistakenly put you on the seventh floor with one suite. However...

  Ian Faith : That's considerably more than minor.

  Tucker 'Smitty' Brown : Well, it's a good-sized room, sir. It's a, it's a 'King Leisure'. We can get you a - something...

  Ian Faith : How are we going to get fourteen people in a 'King Leisure' bed, Tucker?

  Tucker 'Smitty' Brown : Oh-ho-ho - don't tempt me, sir.

• Ian Faith : Whenever a single bump or a ruffle comes into this little fantasy, adolescent fantasy world that you guys, you guys have built around yourselves, you start screaming like a bunch of pansy hairdressers.

• Ian Faith : I've got a small piece of bad news.

  Mick Shrimpton : For a change!

  Ian Faith : We're cancelled here.

  Derek Smalls : At the hotel?

  Ian Faith : No. The gig is cancelled.

  Mick Shrimpton : Fuck.

  Ian Faith : It say's "Memphis show cancelled due to lack of advertising funds."