The Breakfast Club (1985)

[last lines]

Brian Johnson : [closing narration] Dear Mr. Vernon, we accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was we did wrong. But we think you're crazy to make us write an essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us - in the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain...

Andrew Clark : ...and an athlete...

Allison Reynolds : ...and a basket case...

Claire Standish : ...a princess...

John Bender : ...and a criminal.

Brian Johnson : Does that answer your question? Sincerely yours, the Breakfast Club.

John Bender : Screws fall out all the time, the world is an imperfect place.

Richard Vernon : You're not fooling anyone, Bender. The next screw that falls out will be you.

John Bender : Eat my shorts.

Richard Vernon : What was that?

John Bender : Eat... my... shorts.

Richard Vernon : You just bought yourself another Saturday.

John Bender : Ooh, I'm crushed.

Richard Vernon : You just bought one more.

John Bender : Well I'm free the Saturday after that. Beyond that, I'm going to have to check my calendar.

Richard Vernon : Good, cause it's going to be filled. We'll keep going. You want another one? Just say the word say it. Instead of going to prison you'll come here. Are you through?

John Bender : No.

Richard Vernon : I'm doing society a favor.

John Bender : So?

Richard Vernon : That's another one right now! I've got you for the rest of your natural born life if you don't watch your step. You want another one?

John Bender : Yes.

Richard Vernon : You got it! You got another one right there! That's another one pal!

Claire Standish : Cut it out!

Richard Vernon : You through?

John Bender : Not even close bud!

Richard Vernon : Good! You got one more right there!

John Bender : You really think I give a shit?

Richard Vernon : Another! You through?

John Bender : How many is that?

Brian Johnson : That's seven including when we first came in and you asked Mr. Vernon whether Barry Manilow knew that he raided his closet.

Richard Vernon : Now it's eight. You stay out of this.

Brian Johnson : Excuse me sir, it's seven.

Richard Vernon : Shut up, peewee.

John Bender : [Imitating his Father] Stupid, worthless, no good, goddamn, freeloading son of a bitch. Retarded, big mouth, know-it-all, asshole, jerk.

[Imitating his Mother]

John Bender : You forgot ugly, lazy and disrespectful.

[Father's voice]

John Bender : Shut up bitch! Go fix me a turkey pot pie.

[His own voice]

John Bender : No dad, what about you?

[Father's voice]

John Bender : Fuck you.

[His own voice]

John Bender : No dad, what about you?

[Father's voice]

John Bender : Fuck you.

[His own voice]

John Bender : Dad, what about you?

[Father's voice]

John Bender : Fuck you!

[Pantomimes getting punched in the face]

Brian Johnson : Is that for real?

John Bender : You wanna come over sometime?

John Bender : Does Barry Manilow know that you raid his wardrobe?

Allison Reynolds : I'll do anything sexual. I don't need a million dollars to do it either.

Claire Standish : You're lying.

Allison Reynolds : I already have. I've done just about everything there is except a few things that are illegal. I'm a nymphomaniac.

Claire Standish : Lie.

Brian Johnson : Are your parents aware of this?

Allison Reynolds : The only person I told was my shrink.

Andrew Clark : And what did he do when you told him?

Allison Reynolds : He nailed me.

Claire Standish : Very nice.

Allison Reynolds : I don't think that from a legal standpoint what he did can be construed as rape, since I paid him.

Claire Standish : He's an adult.

Allison Reynolds : Yeah, he's married too.

Claire Standish : Do you have any idea how completely gross that is?

Allison Reynolds : Well, the first few times...

Claire Standish : The first few times? You mean you did it more than once?

Allison Reynolds : Sure.

Claire Standish : Are you crazy?

Brian Johnson : Obviously she's crazy if she's screwing a shrink.

Allison Reynolds : Have you ever done it?

Claire Standish : I don't even have a psychiatrist.

Allison Reynolds : Have you ever done it with a normal person?

Claire Standish : Didn't we already cover this?

John Bender : You never answered the question.

Claire Standish : Look, I'm not going to discuss my private life with total strangers.

Allison Reynolds : It's kind of a double edged sword isn't it?

Claire Standish : A what?

Allison Reynolds : Well, if you say you haven't, you're a prude. If you say you have you're a slut. It's a trap. You want to but you can't, and when you do you wish you didn't, right?

Claire Standish : Wrong.

Allison Reynolds : Or are you a tease?

Andrew Clark : She's a tease.

Claire Standish : I'm sure. Why don't you just forget it.

Andrew Clark : Oh, you're a tease and you know it. All girls are teases.

John Bender : She's only a tease if what she does gets you hot.

Claire Standish : I don't do anything.

Allison Reynolds : That's why you're a tease.

Claire Standish : OK, let me ask you a few questions.

Allison Reynolds : I already told you everything.

Claire Standish : No. Doesn't it bother you to sleep around without being in love. I mean, don't you want any respect?

Allison Reynolds : I don't screw to get respect. That's the difference between you and me.

Claire Standish : It's not the only difference I hope.

John Bender : Face it, you're a tease.

Claire Standish : I'm NOT a tease.

John Bender : Sure you are. Sex is your weapon. You said it yourself. You use it to get respect.

Claire Standish : No, I never said that she twisted my words around.

John Bender : What do you use it for then?

Claire Standish : I don't use it period.

John Bender : Oh, are you medically frigid or is it psychological?

Claire Standish : I didn't mean it that way. You guys are putting words into my mouth.

John Bender : Well, if you'd just answer the question.

Brian Johnson : Why don't you just answer the question?

Andrew Clark : Be honest.

John Bender : No big deal.

Brian Johnson : Yeah answer it.

Andrew Clark : Answer the question, Claire.

John Bender : Talk to us. Every one: C'mon, answer the question. Come on. Answer it.

John Bender : C'mon, it's easy. It's only one question.

Claire Standish : NO I NEVER DID IT.

Allison Reynolds : I never did it either. I'm not a nymphomaniac. I'm a compulsive liar.

Claire Standish : You know why guys like you knock everything?

John Bender : Oh, this should be stunning.

Claire Standish : It's because you're afraid.

John Bender : Oh God, you richies are so smart, that's exactly why I'm not heavy into activities.

Claire Standish : You're a big coward.

Brian Johnson : I'm in the math club.

Claire Standish : See, you're afraid that they won't take you, you don't belong, so you have to just dump all over it.

John Bender : Well, it wouldn't have anything to do with you activities people being assholes, now would it?

Claire Standish : Well, you wouldn't know, you don't even know any of us.

John Bender : Well, I don't know any lepers either, but I'm not going to run out and join one of their fucking clubs.

Andrew Clark : Hey! Let's watch the mouth, huh?

Brian Johnson : I'm in the physics club too.

John Bender : Excuse me a sec. What are you babbling about?

Brian Johnson : Well, what I had said was I'm in the math club, uh, the Latin, and the physics club... physics club.

John Bender : Hey, Cherry. Do you belong to the physics club?

Claire Standish : That's an academic club.

John Bender : So?

Claire Standish : So academic clubs aren't the same as other kinds of clubs.

John Bender : Ah... but to dorks like him, they are. What do you guys do in your club?

Brian Johnson : Well, in physics we... we talk about physics, properties of physics.

John Bender : So it's sorta social, demented and sad, but social. Right?

John Bender : Hey, how come Andrew gets to get up? If he gets up, we'll all get up, it'll be anarchy.

Richard Vernon : What if your home... what if your family... what if your *dope* was on fire?

John Bender : [truthfully] Impossible, sir. It's in Johnson's underwear.

John Bender : Uh, Dick? Excuse me; Rich. Will milk be made available to us?

Andrew Clark : We're extremely thirsty, sir.

Claire Standish : I have a really low tolerance for dehydration.

Andrew Clark : I've seen her dehydrate, sir. It's pretty gross.

John Bender : [after Claire performs her lipstick trick, claps sarcastically] Wow, Claire. That was great. My image of you is totally blown.

Allison Reynolds : You're a shit. Don't do that to her, you swore to God you wouldn't laugh.

John Bender : Am I laughing?

Andrew Clark : [shouts angrily] You fuckin' prick!

John Bender : What do you care what I think anyway? I don't even count, right? I could disappear forever and it wouldn't make any difference. I might as well not even exist at this school, remember?

[turns to Claire]

John Bender : And you... don't like me anyway.

Claire Standish : You know, I have just as, many feelings as you do and it hurts so much when someone steps all over them.

John Bender : God! You're so pathetic. Don't you ever, *ever* compare yourself to me, okay. You got everything, and I got shit. Fuckin' Rapunzel, right? School would probably fuckin' shut down if you didn't show up. Queenie isn't here. I like those earrings, Claire.

Claire Standish : Shut up.

John Bender : Are those real diamonds Claire?

Claire Standish : Shut up.

John Bender : I bet they are. Did you work for the money for those earrings?

Claire Standish : Shut your mouth.

John Bender : Or did your daddy buy those for you?

Claire Standish : [shouts] SHUT UP!

John Bender : I'll bet he bought those for you. I bet those were a Christmas gift. Right? You know what I got for Christmas? Oh, it was a banner fucking year at the old Bender family. I got a carton of cigarettes. The old man grabbed me and said, "Hey, smoke up Johnny." All right? So go home and cry to your Daddy. Don't cry here, okay?

Andrew Clark : My God, are we gonna be like our parents?

Claire Standish : Not me. Ever.

[Bender nods]

Allison Reynolds : It's unavoidable. It just happens.

Allison Reynolds : When you grow up, your heart dies.

John Bender : So, who cares?

Allison Reynolds : I care.

John Bender : Remember how you said your parents use you to get back at each other?

[Claire nods agreeingly]

John Bender : Wouldn't I be OUTSTANDING in that capacity?

John Bender : [after Claire kisses his neck] Why'd you do that?

Claire Standish : 'Cause I knew you wouldn't.

Claire Standish : [pause] Were you truly disgusted with what I did with my lipstick?

John Bender : The truth?

Claire Standish : Yeah.

John Bender : [nods] No.

John Bender : What's in there?

Claire Standish : Guess? Where's your lunch?

John Bender : You're wearing it.

Claire Standish : You're nauseating.

John Bender : [pointing to Claire's lunch] What's that?

Claire Standish : Sushi.

John Bender : Sushi?

Claire Standish : Rice, raw fish, and seaweed.

John Bender : You won't accept a guy's tongue in your mouth, and you're going to eat that?

Claire Standish : Can I eat?

John Bender : I don't know. Give it a try.

John Bender : YOU ARE A BITCH.

Claire Standish : Why? 'Cause I'm telling the truth, that makes me a bitch?

John Bender : NO. 'Cause you know how shitty that is to do someone, and you don't got the balls to stand up to your friends and tell them you're gonna like who you wanna like.

John Bender : Sporto.

Andrew Clark : What?

John Bender : You get along with your parents?

Andrew Clark : Well, if I say yes I'm an idiot, right?

John Bender : You're an idiot anyway. But if you say you get along with your parents, well, you're a liar too.

Andrew Clark : Why do you have to insult everybody?

John Bender : I'm being honest, asshole. I would expect you to know the difference.

[Richard Vernon places magazine rack in front of door to hold it open]

John Bender : That's very clever, sir. But what if there's a fire? I think violating fire codes and endangering the lives of children would be unwise at this juncture in your career, sir.

John Bender : What're we having?

Brian Johnson : Uh, it's your standard, regular lunch I guess...

[Bender reaches in the bag and pulls out a thermos. He sets it on the table and points at it]

John Bender : Milk?

Brian Johnson : Uh, soup.

John Bender : Ah.

[Bender goes in again and pulls out a juice box. Brian reaches toward the bag and Bender slaps his hand]

Brian Johnson : That's apple juice...

John Bender : I *can* read. PB & J with the crusts cut off... Well, Brian, this is a very nutritious lunch. All the food groups are represented. Did your mom marry Mr. Rogers?

Brian Johnson : Uh, no, Mr. Johnson.

John Bender : [crawling above the ceiling] A naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm, and a two-foot salami under the other. She lays the poodle on the table. The bartender says, "I suppose you won't be needing a drink." Naked lady says...

[the ceiling breaks, and he falls through]

John Bender : Oh, *shit*!

Richard Vernon : [hearing the crash from his office] Jesus Christ Almighty!

[John sees Andrew and Claire angrily stunned]

John Bender : [to the other students] Forgot my pencil.

Richard Vernon : [enters the library] Goddamn it! What in God's name is going on in here? What was that ruckus?

Andrew Clark : Uh, what ruckus?

Richard Vernon : I was just in my office and I heard a ruckus.

Brian Johnson : Could you describe the ruckus, sir?

Richard Vernon : Watch your tongue, young man, watch it.

Andrew Clark : Speak for yourself.

John Bender : Do you think I'd speak for you? I don't even know your language.

Andrew Clark : Look, you guys keep up your talking and Vernon's gonna come right in here. I got a meet this Saturday and I'm not gonna miss it on account of you boneheads.

John Bender : Oh, and wouldn't that be a bite, huh? Missing a whole wrestling meet!

Andrew Clark : You wouldn't know anything about it, faggot! You never competed in your whole life!

John Bender : Oh, I know. I feel all empty inside because of it. I have such a deep admiration for guys who roll around on the floor with other guys.

Andrew Clark : Ah, you'd never make it. You don't have any goals.

John Bender : Oh, but I do!

Andrew Clark : Yeah?

John Bender : I wanna be just... like... you. I figure all I need is a lobotomy and some tights!

Brian Johnson : You wear tights?

Andrew Clark : No, I don't wear tights. I wear the required uniform.

Brian Johnson : Tights.

Andrew Clark : [short pause] Shut up!

John Bender : [running through the halls singing] I wanna be an airborne ranger / I wanna lead a life of danger / Before the day I die / There's five things I wanna ride / Bicycle, tricycle, automobile / Virgin's mother and a ferris wheel...

Brian Johnson : [after Brian explains his F in shop] Did you know without trigonometry, there'd be no engineering?

John Bender : Without lamps, there'd be no light.

[to himself, crawling above some acoustic ceiling tiles]

Bender : Naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm, and a two-foot salami under the other. The bartender says, I guess you won't be needing a drink. Naked lady says...

[the ceiling gives way]

Bender : Oh, *shit*.

[Vernon catches Bender playing basketball in the gym]

John Bender : Don't you want to hear my excuse?

Richard Vernon : Out.

John Bender : I'm thinkin' of tryin' out for a scholarship.

[as Bender prepares to urinate under his desk]

Andrew Clark : Hey, you're not urinating in here, man.

John Bender : Don't talk. Don't talk. It makes it crawl back up.

John Bender : My impression of life at Big Bri's house, "Son?" "Yeah, Dad?" "How was your day, son?" "Great, Dad. How's yours?" "Super. Say, how would like to go fishing this weekend?" "Great, Dad. But I got homework to do." "That's okay, son. You can do it on the boat." "Gee." "Hon, isn't our son swell?" "Yes, dear. Isn't life swell?"

[kiss]

John Bender : You're kind of sexy when you're angry.

Andrew Clark : If I lose my temper you're totaled, man.

John Bender : Totally?

Andrew Clark : Totally.

Claire Standish : Why didn't you want me to know that you are a virgin?

Brian Johnson : Because it's personal business. It's my personal, private business.

John Bender : Well, Brian, it doesn't sound like you're doing any business.

Claire Standish : What would your friends say if we were walking down the hall together. They'd laugh their asses off and you'd probably tell them you were doing it with me so they'd forgive you for being seen with me.

John Bender : Don't you ever talk about my friends. You don't know any of my friends. You don't look at any of my friends. And you certainly wouldn't condescend to speak to any of my friends. So you just stick to the things you know: shopping, nail polish, your father's BMW, and your poor, rich drunk mother in the Caribbean.

Claire Standish : SHUT UP!

John Bender : And as far as being concerned about what's gonna happen when you and I walk down the hallways of school together, you can forget it cuz it's never gonna happen. Just bury your head in the sand and wait for your fuckin' prom.

Claire Standish : [Crying] I hate you!

John Bender : Yeah? Good!

Claire Standish : Do you know how popular I am? I am so popular. Everybody loves me so much at this school.

John Bender : Poor baby.

John Bender : How does one become a janitor?

Carl : You wanna be a janitor?

John Bender : No, I just want to know how one becomes a janitor. Because Andrew here is very interested in pursuing a career in the custodial arts.

Carl : Oh really? You guys think I'm just some untouchable peasant? Serf? Peon? Well, maybe so. But following a broom around after shitheads like you for the last 8 years, I've learned a couple of things. I look through your letters. I look through your lockers. I listen to your conversations, you don't know that but I do. I am the eyes and ears of this institution, my friends.

[Carl looks up at the clock and looks at his watch]

Carl : By the way, that clock's 20 minutes fast.

Andrew Clark : I said, leave her alone.

John Bender : You gonna make me?

Andrew Clark : Yeah.

John Bender : You and how many of your friends?

Andrew Clark : Just me. Just you and me. Two hits. Me hitting you. You hitting the floor. Anytime you're ready, pal.

John Bender : Being bad feels pretty good, huh?

John Bender : Hey, homeboy, what do you say we close that door, we'll get the prom queen impregnated.

Brian Johnson : I'm a fucking idiot because I can't make a lamp?

John Bender : No. You're a genius because you can't make a lamp.

[John Bender is absently tearing up books]

Andrew Clark : That's real intelligent.

John Bender : You're right. It's wrong to destroy literature. It's such fun to read. And

[examines title]

John Bender : Moe-Lay really pumps my nads.

Claire Standish : Moliere.

Claire Standish : What's your name?

John Bender : What's yours?

Claire Standish : Claire.

John Bender : Claire?

Claire Standish : Claire. It's a family name.

John Bender : Oh, it's a fat girl's name.

Claire Standish : Oh, thank you.

John Bender : You're welcome.

Claire Standish : I'm not fat.

John Bender : Well not at present, but I can see you really pushing maximum density. See I'm not sure if you know this, but there are two kinds of fat people: there's fat people that were born to be fat, and there's fat people that were once thin but became fat... so when you look at 'em you can sorta see that thin person inside. You see, you're gonna get married, you're gonna squeeze out a few puppies and then, uh...

John Bender : [to Allison] You keep eating your hand, and you're not gonna be hungry for lunch...

Richard Vernon : That's the last time, Bender. That the last time you ever make me look bad in front of those kids, you hear me? I make $31,000 a year and I have a home and I'm not about to throw it all away on some punk like you. But someday when you're outta here and you've forgotten all about this place and they've forgotten all about you, and you're wrapped up in your own pathetic life, I'm gonna be there. That's right. And I'm gonna kick the living shit out of you. I'm gonna knock your dick in the dirt.

Bender : You threatening me?

Richard Vernon : What are you gonna do about it? You think anyone's gonna believe you? You think anyone is gonna take your word over mine? I'm a man of respect around here. They love me around here. I'm a swell guy. You're a lying sack of shit and everybody knows it. Oh, you're a tough guy. Hey c'mon. Get on your feet pal. Let's find out how tough you are. I wanna know right now how tough you are.

[offers Bender his chin]

Richard Vernon : Just take the first shot. I'm begging you, take a shot. Just one hit. Come on, that's all I need, just one swing...

[Bender pauses, staring]

Richard Vernon : That's what I thought. You're a gutless turd.

Claire Standish : He's just doing it to get a rise out of you. Just ignore him.

John Bender : Sweets. You couldn't ignore me if you tried. So... so. Are you guys like boyfriend-girlfriend? Steady dates? Lovers? Come on, sporto, level with me. Do you slip her the hot beef injection?

Claire Standish : GO TO HELL!

Andrew Clark : ENOUGH!

Richard Vernon : [from his office] Hey! What's going on in there? Spoiled little pricks.

John Bender : [to Vernon] Keep your fuckin' hands off me! I'd expect better manners from you, Dick.

John Bender : [after putting his head between Claire's legs under the table] It was an accident.

Claire Standish : You're an asshole.

John Bender : Sue me.

John Bender : [after Claire flips him off] Oh, obscene finger gestures from such a pristine girl.

John Bender : But face it. You're a neo maxi zoom dweebie, what would you be doing if you weren't out making yourself a better citizen?

Richard Vernon : Well, well. Here we are. I want to congratulate you for being on time.

Claire Standish : Excuse me, sir. I think there's been a mistake. I know it's detention, but I don't think I belong in here.

[Vernon ignores her and looks at his watch]

Richard Vernon : It is now 7:06. You have exactly 8 hours and 54 minutes to think about *why* you are here, to ponder the error of your ways.

[Bender spits out a wad of saliva in the air and catches with his mouth, prompting Claire to almost exclaim in disgust, but Vernon stops her by pointing]

Richard Vernon : You may not talk.

[Brian tries to move to the chair next to him on the table]

Richard Vernon : You will not move - from these seats.

[to Bender, who is relaxing his feet on a chair, but Vernon pulls it out from under Bender's feet]

Richard Vernon : And *you* - will not sleep. Alright, people, we're going to try something a little different, today. We are going to write an essay - of no less than a thousand words, describing to me who you think you are.

[starts handing out sheets of paper]

John Bender : Is this a test?

Richard Vernon : And when I say 'essay' I mean *'essay'*. I do not mean a single word repeated a thousand times. Is that clear, Mr. Bender?

Richard Vernon : Crystal.

Richard Vernon : Good. Maybe you'll learn a little something about yourself. Maybe you'll even decide, whether or not, you'd care to return.

Brian Johnson : Uh, you know, I can answer that right now, sir. That'd be no. No from me, 'cause...

Richard Vernon : [contemptuously] Sit down, Johnson.

Brian Johnson : Thank you, sir.

Richard Vernon : My office is right across that hall. Any monkey business is ill-advised. Any questions?

John Bender : Yeah, I got a question. Does Barry Manilow know that you raid his wardrobe?

Richard Vernon : I'll give you the answer to that question, Mr. Bender, next Saturday. Don't mess with the bull, young man, you'll get the horns.

[exits the library]

John Bender : That man - is a brownie-hound.

[after he and the other students see and hear Allison biting her fingernails]

John Bender : If you keep eating your hand, you're not gonna be hungry for lunch.

[Allison bites another fingernail, and spits it out]

John Bender : I've seen you before, you know.

Andrew Clark : Just me. Just you and me. Two hits... me hitting you, you hitting the floor. Any time you're ready, pal.

John Bender : [Bender goes to hit Andrew but Andrew tackles him to the floor] I don't wanna get into this with you man.

Andrew Clark : [Andrew lets him go and they both stand up] Why not?

John Bender : Cause I'd kill you. It's real simple, I'd kill you and your fucking parents would sue me and it'd be a big mess and I don't care enough about you to bother.

Andrew Clark : [whispers as he turns around] Chickenshit.

[Bender pulls out a switchblade and stabs into a chair]

Andrew Clark : Let's end this right now. You don't talk to her... you don't look at her and you don't even think about her! You understand me?

John Bender : Claire, you wanna see a picture of a guy with elephantitis of the nuts? It's pretty tasty.

Claire Standish : No thank you.

John Bender : How does he ride a bike?

John Bender : Oh Claire, would you ever consider dating a guy who looked like this?

Claire Standish : Can't you just leave me alone?

John Bender : I mean even if he had a nice personality and a cool car... although you'd probably have to ride in the backseat because his nuts would ride shotgun.

John Bender : Are you a virgin? I'll bet you a million dollars that you are. Let's end the suspense! Is it gonna be... a white wedding?

Claire Standish : Why don't you just shut up?

John Bender : Have you ever kissed a boy on the mouth?

[Claire doesn't answer]

John Bender : Have you ever been felt up? Over the bra, under the blouse, shoes off... hoping to God your parents don't walk in?

Claire Standish : Do you want me to puke?

John Bender : Over the panties, no bra, blouse unbuttoned, Calvins in a ball on the front seat, past eleven on a school night?

John Bender : You load up, you party.

Brian Johnson : Uhh, no, actually, we dress up.

John Bender : Can you hear this?

[makes a middle finger pointing downwards]

John Bender : Want me to turn it up?

[turns his middle finger right side up in his face]

Allison Reynolds : [Chews fingernails]

Bender : You keep eating your hand; you're not gonna be hungry for lunch.

Allison Reynolds : [Spits fingernail at Bender]

John Bender : [as Mr. Vernon leaves the library] That man... is a brownie-hound.

Andrew Clark : [standing up for Claire after she's been bullied by Bender one too many times] Let's end this right now. You don't talk to her, you don't look at her and you don't even think about her! You understand me?

John Bender : [nonchalantly] I'm trying to help her.

John Bender : Oh, shit! What're we s'posed to do if we have to take a piss?

Claire Standish : Please.

John Bender : If you gotta go, you gotta go.

Claire Standish : Oh my god!

Andrew Clark : Hey, you're not urinating in here man!

John Bender : Don't talk, don't talk. It makes it crawl back up.

Andrew Clark : You whip it out and you're dead before the first drop hits the floor.

John Bender : You're pretty sexy when you get angry.

John Bender : [to Andrew] I think your old man and my old man should get together and go bowling.

John Bender : Dork.

Brian Johnson : Yeah?

John Bender : You are a parent's wet dream, okay?

Brian Johnson : Well, that's the problem.

Richard Vernon : [enters the library before lunchtime] All right, girls, that's 30 minutes for lunch.

Andrew Clark : Here?

Richard Vernon : Here.

Andrew Clark : Well, I think the cafeteria would be a more suitable place for us to eat lunch in, sir.

Richard Vernon : [irritably] Well, I don't really care what you think, Andrew.

John Bender : [raises his hand] Dick, uh, excuse me. Rich, will milk be made available to us?

Claire Standish : [to Vernon] I have a low tolerance for dehydration.

Andrew Clark : I've seen her dehydrate, sir. It's pretty gross.

John Bender : Relax, I'll get it.

Richard Vernon : [stops him] Ah-ah-ah! Grab some wood, there, bub. What do you think, I was born yesterday? You think I'm gonna have you roaming these halls?

[points to Andrew]

Richard Vernon : You

[Andrew willingly points to Claire, but Vernon points to a spaced-out Allison]

Richard Vernon : and you. Hey!

[snaps fingers and turns to the others]

Richard Vernon : What's her name? Wake her up. Wake her up. Hey, come on, missy, on your feet, let's go! This is no rest home.

[Allison stares strangely at Vernon as she stands up]

Richard Vernon : There's a soft drink machine in the teacher's lounge. Let's go!

[the rest of the kids take their time giving Andrew and Allison change]

Richard Vernon : Come on, shake your tail feather, let's go, ante up! Some people don't even get a lunch hour. Come on, get a move on!

Claire Standish : [takes out a $20 bill] Excuse me, sir, can you break this?

[Vernon scoffs sarcastically]

Claire Standish : [to Bender] Why don't you shut up? Nobody here is interested.

Andrew Clark : Really. Butt face.

John Bender : Hey, sporto, what'd you do to get in here? Forget to wash your jock?

Brian Johnson : I'm not a cherry.

John Bender : When have you ever gotten laid?

Brian Johnson : I've laid lots of times.

John Bender : Brian's trying to tell me that in addition to the number of girls in the Niagara Falls area, that presently you and he are riding the hobby horse.

Claire Standish : Little pig.

Andrew Clark : He's got a name.

John Bender : Yeah?

Andrew Clark : Yeah. What's your name?

Brian Johnson : Brian.

Andrew Clark : See?

John Bender : My condolences.