Hannah and Her Sisters (1986)

Woody Allen: Mickey

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Quotes 

• Mickey : One day about a month ago, I really hit bottom. Ya know I just felt that in a Godless universe I didn't wanna go on living. Now I happen to own this rifle, which I loaded believe it or not, and pressed it to my forehead. And I remember thinking, I'm gonna kill myself. Then I thought, what if I'm wrong, what if there is a God. I mean, after all nobody really knows that. Then I thought no, ya know maybe is not good enough, I want certainty or nothing. And I remember very clearly, the clock was ticking, and I was sitting there frozen with the gun to my head, debating whether to shoot.

  [gun fires] 

  Mickey : All of a sudden the gun went off. I had been so tense my finger squeezed the trigger inadvertantly. But I was perspiring so much the gun had slid off my forehead and missed me. Suddenly neighbors were pounding on the door, and I dunno the whole scene was just pandemonium. I ran to the door, I didn't know what to say. I was embarrassed and confused and my mind was racing a mile a minute. And I just knew one thing I had to get out of that house, I had to just get out in the fresh air and clear my head. I remember very clearly I walked the streets, I walked and I walked I didn't know what was going through my mind, it all seemed so violent and unreal to me. I wandered for a long time on the upper west side, it must have been hours. My feet hurt, my head was pounding, and I had to sit down I went into a movie house. I didn't know what was playing or anything I just needed a moment to gather my thoughts and be logical and put the world back into rational perspective. And I went upstairs to the balcony, and I sat down, and the movie was a film that I'd seen many times in my life since I was a kid, and I always loved it. I'm watching these people up on the screen and I started getting hooked on the film. I started to feel, how can you even think of killing yourself, I mean isn't it so stupid. Look at all the people up there on the screen, they're real funny, and what if the worst is true. What if there is no God and you only go around once and that's it. Well, ya know, don't you wanna be part of the experience? You know, what the hell it's not all a drag. And I'm thinking to myself, Jeez, I should stop ruining my life searching for answers I'm never gonna get, and just enjoy it while it lasts. And after who knows, I mean maybe there is something, nobody really knows. I know maybe is a very slim reed to hang your whole life on, but that's the best we have. And then I started to sit back, and I actually began to enjoy myself.

• [after learning Mickey is infertile] 

  Hannah : Could you have ruined yourself somehow?

  Mickey : How could I ruin myself?

  Hannah : I don't know. Excessive masturbation?

  Mickey : You gonna start knockin' my hobbies?

• Mickey : I'm afraid once they're done singing they're gonna take hostages!

• Mickey : I had a great evening; it was like the Nuremberg Trials.

• Mickey : Why all of a sudden is the sketch dirty?

  Ed Smythe : Child molestation is a touchy subject, and the affiliates...

  Mickey : Read the papers, half the country's doing it!

  Ed Smythe : Yes, but you name names.

  Mickey : We never-we don't name names, we say "The Pope"!

• Mickey : [watching joggers in Central Park]  Look at all these people, trying to stave off the inevitable decay of their bodies.

• Mickey : A week ago I bought a rifle, I went to the store - I bought a rifle! I was gonna, you know, if they told me I had a tumor, I was gonna kill myself. The only thing that might-ve stopped me - MIGHT'VE - is that my parents would be devastated. I would have to shoot them also, first. And then I have an aunt and uncle - you know - it would've been a blood bath.

• [last lines] 

  Mickey : You know, I was talking to your father before, and I was telling him that it's ironic I, I - used to always have Thanksgiving with Hannah, and I never thought that I could love anybody else. And here it is years later and I'm married to you and completely in love with you. The heart is a very, very resilient little muscle, it really is, I - make a great story, I think, guy marries one sister, doesn't work out, many years later he winds up married to the other sister, it's. You know, to - how you gonna top that? Hmm.

  Holly : Mickey.

  Mickey : Mmm, what?

  Holly : I'm pregnant.

• Holly : I love songs about extraterrestrial life, don't you?

  Mickey : Not when they're sung by extraterrestrials.

• Mickey's Father : And you're gonna believe in Jesus Christ?

  Mickey : I know - sounds funny. But, I'm gonna give it a try.

• Gail : Two months ago, you thought you had a malignant melanoma.

  Mickey : Naturally, I, I- Do you know I- The sudden appearance of a black spot on my back!

  Gail : It was on your shirt!

  Mickey : I- How was I to know? Everyone was pointing back here.

• Mickey : [voiceover]  Millions of books written on every conceivable subject, by all these great minds; and in the end, none of them knows anything more about the big questions of life than I do. Jesus, I read Socrates. You know, this guy used to knock off little Greek boys. What the hell's he got to teach me? And - and Nietzsche, with his theory of eternal recurrence. He said that the life we live, we're gonna live over and over, the exact same way for eternity. Great. That means I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again. It's not worth it. And Freud, another great pessimist. Jes I was in analysis for years. Nothing happened!

• Norman - Mickey's Ex-partner : The point that we're making here is that we need some sperm.

  Mickey : Gee. Well, my first reaction after the initial shock is: flattered that you'd ask me.

  Norman - Mickey's Ex-partner : Well, I would be the father, you would just have to masturbate into a little cup.

  Mickey : I can handle that.

• Mickey : Aren't you afraid of dying?

  Mickey's Father : Why should I be afraid?

  Mickey : Cause you won't exist!

  Mickey's Father : So?

  Mickey : That thought doesn't terrify you?

  Mickey's Father : Who talks about such nonsense? Now, I'm alive. When I'm dead, I'll be dead.

  Mickey : I don't understand. Aren't you frightened?

  Mickey's Father : Of what? I'll be unconscious.

  Mickey : I know, but, never to exist again?

  Mickey's Father : How do you know?

  Mickey : Well, it certainly doesn't look promising.

  Mickey's Father : Who knows what'll be. I'll either be unconscious or I won't. If not, I'll deal with it then. I'm not gonna worry now.

• Holly : [sarcastically]  What a swell time!

  Mickey : Well, if you didn't like it, you didn't like it. But, you didn't have to talk while he was singing.

  Holly : I was so bored!

  Mickey : Yeah, that's tough. You don't deserve Cole Porter. You should stay with groups that look like they're gonna stab their mothers.

• Dr. Smith : This doesn't mean you can't have a normal sex life; but, Mr. Saxe, tests indicate that he is infertile. Small sperm volume and infertile.

  Mickey : Isn't there anything I can do? Pushups or hormones?

• Mickey : [voiceover]  So you had my ex-partner's baby. Twins. Maybe that did cause some trouble; but, I think we were drifting apart anyhow. Now, instead of man and wife we're good friends. Boy, love is *really* unpredictable.

• Mickey : Maybe the poets are right. Maybe love is the only answer. Of course, I was in love with Hannah. That didn't work out.

• Father Flynn : Why do you think that you would like to convert to Catholicism?

  Mickey : Well, because, you know, I gotta have something to believe in; otherwise, life is just meaningless.

  Father Flynn : I understand. But, why did you make the decision to choose the Catholic faith?

  Mickey : Well, you know, first of all, because it's a very beautiful religion. And it's a strong religion. It's very well-structured. You know, I'm talking now about the against school prayer, pro-abortion, anti-nuclear wing.

• Dr. Abel : It's just in one ear?

  Mickey : Is it healthier to have problems in both ears?

• Mickey : He's a loser. He's awkward and clumsy like me. So, I like that. I always like an under-confident person.

• Mickey : [voiceover]  It's over. I'm face to face with eternity. Not later, but now. I'm so frightened, I can't move or speak or breathe.

• Mickey : Can you understand how meaningless everything is? Our lives, the show, the whole world.

• Gail : Eventually, it is going to happen to all of us.

  Mickey : Yes, but doesn't that ruin everything for you? That makes everything, you know, it takes the pleasure out of everything. I mean, you're gonna die, I'm gonna die, the audience is gonna die, the network's gonna, the sponsor, everything.

  Gail : I know, I know, and your hamster.

  Mickey : Yes!

• Mickey : I need some evidence. I gotta have some proof. You know, If I can't believe God, then, I don't think life is worth living.

• Father Flynn : So, at the moment you don't believe in God?

  Mickey : No, and I want to. You know, I'm willing to do anything. I'll - you know - I'll dye Easter eggs, if it works.