Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999)

Frank Conniff: TV's Frank, Frank, Gooch, T.V.'s Frank, Winky's mother

Photos 

Quotes 

• Dr. Forrester : You're upset. I like that. Push the Button, Frank.

  TV's Frank : Yeah, that movie was kinda harsh. I mean, why don't you give them a break next time. Like show them Scott Valentine's "My Demon Lover" or Betsy's Wedding, or better yet...

  Dr. Forrester : Push the Button, Frank.

  TV's Frank : Madam Sousatzka.

  Dr. Forrester : Push the Button, Frank.

  TV's Frank : Madam Sousatzka!

  Dr. Forrester : Hey, have you seen that movie? It's acutally very good.

  TV's Frank : Madam Sousatzka! Is it?

  Dr. Forrester : Yeah, with Shirley MacLaine. She gives a wonderful tour-de-force movie. Oh, okay.

  TV's Frank : Oh, let's go. Let's catch it later. It's playing at the mall. Let's go catch it. Okay.

• Dr. Forrester : This is our invention, Joel. Dr. Clayton Forrester and TV's Frank will now fulfill our destiny. The teasing jibes of classmates. The book-dumping after typing class. The shameful expulsion from Chess Club! These are only a...

  TV's Frank : Don't forget all the power sit-ups they made you do.

  Dr. Forrester : Yes, exactly. They will bow down be...

  TV's Frank : The revulsion, scorn, and rejection of all the pretty girls?

  Dr. Forrester : Yes, exactly. They shall pay for...

  TV's Frank : Sophomore year and the shameful shower incident?

  Dr. Forrester : Uh yes, thank you, Frank. The point is that we shall cleave into this puny planet. We will crack the Earth as though it were a China cup, sending entire continents plummeting into the unforgiving sea! Prepare yoursel...

  Joel : Hey, may I ask a stupid question? Why are you guys doing this?

  Tom Servo : Yeah, what do you get out of it?

  TV's Frank : Well, you know, it's kind of a weird, you know, sort of umm... "Omega Man" kind of thing?

  Dr. Forrester : No, no, it's more of a... duh... why don't you go on with your invention, Joel?

• TV's Frank : You know, Clay, when you come right down to it, I think I'd like to be know as just... Frank

  Dr. Forrester : Why's that Frank?

  TV's Frank : Because if you can't find peace within, I don't think there's any...

  Dr. Forrester : Oh, shut up! I went along with you on this long enough! This Mike Douglas furniture was a terrible idea!

  TV's Frank : Don't I get to be your co-host for the week?

  Dr. Forrester : No, and you don't get to sing "The Man in My Little Girl's Life", either!

• TV's Frank : [Joel is watching the mads]  Hey, what is this? That Goomba just ate that little Mario guy! That's not fair... I was getting all the...

  Dr. Forrester : Well, you can return to this world. Uh, hold down A and push Start.

  TV's Frank : What does it matter, he's dead! Dead I tell ya!

  Dr. Forrester : It's just a game, Frank. Push the Button.

• TV's Frank : That's right. You know all the fads with the young people today? You know the kids today, with their loud music, hula hoops, fax machines... But the biggest fad these days: karaoke! Wew! Yuk-e-yeeeewh! What we've done is we've invented a karaoke machine that exclusively plays public domain songs. That's right, that means you can sing into your karaoke machine, have as much fun as you want, and not pay one cent in artist royalties.

  Dr. Forrester : That's right, Frank. Now, what happens when you go into your favorite karaoke bar and you want to hear "I Want to Know What Love Is" by Foreigner?

  TV's Frank : People vomit?

  Dr. Forrester : No... Lou Gramm, songwriter and Chess King spokesmodel gets a big fat royalty check! And that means lots of money. So, Joel, we've loaded our machine only with public domain songs. All free of copyright, all owned by you, the people.

  TV's Frank : That's right, you want to hit the roll there, Jerry?

  Dr. Forrester : You get the "Battle Hymn of the Republic"...

  TV's Frank : The immortal "baa baa black sheep"...

  Dr. Forrester : The turgid and bittersweet "Gregorian Chant #5"...

  TV's Frank : The impish "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star"...

  Dr. Forrester : Mozart's "The Magic Flute," and there's so much more! But your experiment this week, Joel, is called Pod People. It has nothing to do with pods. It has nothing to do with people. It has everything to do with hurting! And we're going to sing you into it with our new Public Domain Karaoke Machine. Hit it, Frank.

  Dr. Forrester : Aaaaaaaaaaveeeeeeeee Maaaaaariiiiiiaaaaaaa!

  TV's Frank : Aaaaaaaaaaveeeeeeeee Maaaaaariiiiiiaaaaaaa!

• Joel : [on the Mads invention]  You may have just crossed that line. I've never seen anything so hideous... so immoral... so atonal!

  TV's Frank : Thank you. Oh, I gotta clean out the spit valve.

• TV's Frank : Don't worry, doctor, I knew when we brought him on that we'd have to eliminate him; that's half the fun.

  Dr. Forrester : Yes, Frank, but how? These things must be done delicately.

  TV's Frank : After all, he knew going in that this was only a "temporary" situation.

  Dr. Forrester : Yes, and now I want this "temporary" situation taken care of... permanently!

  TV's Frank : Are we talking about the same thing?

  Dr. Forrester : He's been a canker sore in my gumline for too long!

  TV's Frank : The way he struts around like he owns the place. Pah!

  Dr. Forrester : Let's use method number fifty-three, hmm?

  Dr. Forrester : Yes, elegant... painful.

  Dr. Forrester : And it leaves nothing behind but the great smell of Brut! Ha ha ha ha ha!

  TV's Frank : Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Let's do it now!

  Dr. Forrester : No, no. Patience, my little henchman. Let's wait until after the experiment.

  TV's Frank : Yes, brilliant, make him work for it. And then...?

  TV's Frank : And then our little be-jumpsuited fool will be history! Get back to work!

• TV's Frank : [strapped to a table]  No mommy! Don't look at me! Don't ever look at me!

  Dr. Forrester : And no drooling this time!

  [to Joel] 

  Dr. Forrester : Well, hello, boobie. This week's invention exchange is an exciting foray into the field of self-surgery, much in keeping with the theme of today's film. All you need is a willing subject, a can of nitrous oxide, and an oversized version of the game Operation. "Oper-a-tion! The goofy game for dopey doctors! Remove right ankle.

• Dr. Forrester : The holiday season is here, the boss is on vacation, and we've gone crazy! Now I know from experience that nothing chafes a kid's hinder more than his request for a neat toy maligned into a neat and practical gift. Enter the Wish-Squisher.

  TV's Frank : Yeah, what you do is you take a really cool toy that any kid would dig like these uh, video cassette cartridge games. You take it, stick it through the Wish-Squisher... Voila!

  Dr. Forrester : and it comes out as annoying and practical as any gift from Aunt Vida. Check it out: underoos that won't fit for two years.

  TV's Frank : And what kid wouldn't love as a gift: more money than he or she will ever deserve. But then, suddenly, it starts to get weird. The rules change; you start to feel kind of bad. Voila.

  Dr. Forrester : Yes, what was once the bright promise for the future becomes... your 4-year-old sister's raisin collection.

  TV's Frank : And nothing - and I mean nothing - is more fun than racing slot-cars, just like this one, around the Christmas tree. But nooooo!

  Dr. Forrester : What was once your first-draft, grade-A choice from your parents as a gift becomes... socks.

  TV's Frank : Socks, that's right. Yes, what was once crummy, Speedwall, black and green, rayon-encrusted, uncomfortable socks becomes...!

  Dr. Forrester : Run it through again, Frank.

  TV's Frank : Okay, running it through... the Wish-Squisher... Well, it becomes!

  Dr. Forrester : Ah, a gift certificate for a stationery store.

• Dr. Forrester : Nelson! A recent study by a research group at Senior's Lifestyle revealed that, and Frank quotes...

  TV's Frank : Owning and caring for a pet decreases hyper-tension, slows the heart-rate, and lowers blood pressure. Unquote.

  Dr. Forrester : Obviously the cuter the pet the lower the heart-rate... Anyway, I've designed the world's most adorable pet! It will make you so placid, so care-free, that I'll be able to rule the world and you won't even notice! You, as per usual, are the test case. Frank?

  TV's Frank : And his name is... NummyMuffinCoocolButter! Oh, yes, and he's the nummiest little thing there's ever been! Oh, yes you are!

  Dr. Forrester : That's right, NummyMuffinCoocolButter! Yes, you are, little nummy, isn't he cute, Frank? I... it out-does the kitty cat, runs circles around the Easter Bunny, and makes Snuggles the fabric-softening bear look like Penn Jillette.

• TV's Frank : was alone, I had lost my way. Until one wonderful, funderful day when I met a friend made up of fur and fuzz, a friendly little friend whose friendly name was... NummyMuffinCoocolButter! Scrappy little pal like no udder. His name is kinda long so you can just call him Muffin. Whatever ya call him, I sure as heck love him. I love him even more than my father or mudder, NummyMuffinCoocolButter... But then, one day unexpectedly, NummyMuffinCoocolButter was taken from me. The loss of that pet has left a really big void. My subsequent behaviour would even startle Freud. When it comes to pets, there'll never be anudder like... NummyMuffinCoocolButter... NummyMuffinCoocolButter... NummyMuffinCoocolButter! Goodbye, Nummy Muffin CoocolButter... I love you.

• Joel : [reading fan letters]  This one, it reads, "Dear Joe, and 'Bots."

  Crow T. Robot : 'Bots! That's us! Whoo! We're the 'Bots!

  Tom Servo : Woo! Thank you, thank you very much.

  Joel : I just like the way Tom Serbo sings, my favorite robot is Crow, but Joe is funny too."... And it's signed... TV's Frank?

  Tom Servo : D'oh!

  TV's Frank : Yes! Yes! Hahahahahahaha!

  Dr. Forrester : What a little kiss-up. Push the Button, TV's Frank.

  TV's Frank : Oh, Little John, have you seen my arrow?

• TV's Frank : You lost the last of the wild horses you dink.

• TV's Frank : Ha, Ha, Hey you've got webbed toes.

• TV's Frank : Eww, look at all the poo.

• Dr. Forrester : Your movie this week, Joel, is not a science fiction film, but it's perfect for our experiments. It's just bad. Tell 'em, Frank.

  TV's Frank : That's right, it's a diabolical cinematic... It's just bad.

  Dr. Forrester : Yes, remember that bad thing we saw? This is even worse than that! Bad!

  TV's Frank : Yes, that's right. It's bad.

  Dr. Forrester : But it's our kind of bad. It's a good... bad.

  TV's Frank : It's bad.

  Dr. Forrester : It's good for us... Bad for you, Joel!

• Dr. Forrester : These are squeeze-toy guitars, Joel, made from discarded doggie chew toys. And these are our roadies Jerry and Sylvia! Jerry, give me a little bit more monitor down here

  TV's Frank : Come on let's wail, whooo!

  Dr. Forrester : Wait for it, Frank! Now any scientist worth his salt knows that doggies love chirpy little chew-toys and they love rock and roll! We've combined them both.

  TV's Frank : Come on, let's rock this mother! Whoo!

  Dr. Forrester : Let the cowboys ride! Jerry, run the lights! Hit the camera! This is our new song, plastic man!

  TV's Frank : Plastic man!

  Dr. Forrester : That oughtta hold 'em, Frank.

  TV's Frank : Goodnight, Movie Sign, Cheap Trick says goodnight, goodnight everybody!

  Dr. Forrester : Now, your experiment this week Joel features a giant, bloatated, mutant lizard!

  TV's Frank : Meatloaf?

• TV's Frank : Face it, Nelson. Your ratings STINK. Sheesh, you bring in less ratings than reruns of "The Duck Factory."

• Dr. Forrester : Push the button, Frank.

  TV's Frank : No. I want my money back.

  Dr. Forrester : Forceps, Frank. Pain.

  TV's Frank : I don't care. I want my money.

  Dr. Forrester : Electro shock, Frank.

  TV's Frank : NO.

  Dr. Forrester : Push the button.

  TV's Frank : NO.

  Dr. Forrester : THE BOX, FRANK.

  TV's Frank : I'll push the button...

• TV's Frank : That's right, we've broken through the space-time continuum and passed the savings on to you.

• TV's Frank : Geez, they don't really tell you how to reverse these things! Oh, hi! Having a few technical difficulties. Look, Clay, I didn't mean to make you undead! I was just fooling around! It happens!