Beetlejuice (1988)

Michael Keaton: Betelgeuse

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Adam : What are your qualifications?

  Beetlejuice : Ah. Well... I attended Juilliard... I'm a graduate of the Harvard business school. I travel quite extensively. I lived through the Black Plague and had a pretty good time during that. I've seen the EXORCIST ABOUT A HUNDRED AND SIXTY-SEVEN TIMES, AND IT KEEPS GETTING FUNNIER EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE IT... NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT YOU'RE TALKING TO A DEAD GUY... NOW WHAT DO YOU THINK? You think I'm qualified?

• Beetlejuice : [after kicking down a model tree]  Nice fuckin' model!

• [why he can't tell Lydia his name] 

  Beetlejuice : Because if I tell you, you'll tell your friends, your friends are callin' me on the horn all the time, I gotta show up at shopping centers for openings and sign autographs and shit like that and it makes my life a *hell*. Okay? A living hell.

• Beetlejuice : Go ahead, make my millennium.

• Lydia : Mr. and Mrs. Maitland? Hello? Where are you?

  Beetlejuice : Dead. Dead, dead, deadski.

  Lydia : Of course they're dead. They're ghosts.

  Beetlejuice : No, I mean they're gone, split, out of here, afterlife kids, deceased...

  Lydia : Are you a ghost, too?

  Beetlejuice : I'm a ghost with the most, babe.

• Beetlejuice : Let's turn on the juice and see what shakes loose.

• Beetlejuice : [finishing his used-car style commercial]  And remember...

  [sings and hops back and forth] 

  Beetlejuice : I'll eat anything you want me to eat. I'll swallow anything you want me to swallow. But, come on down and I'll... chew on a dog! Arroooo!

• Beetlejuice : [to Lydia, about the owner of the finger he pulled out of a wedding ring]  I'm tellin' ya, honey, she meant nothin' to me. Nothin' at all!

• Beetlejuice : Attention K-Mart shoppers.

• Beetlejuice : [Trying to get Lydia to guess his name, he makes a beetle appear]  Hi! How are ya' ?

  Lydia : [Gasps]  Ahhhh, B-Beetle!

  Beetlejuice : Ah, OK! Now, two...

  Lydia : [Conjures a glass of orange juice that pours into a glass]  Uhhh, Breakfast... Orange... Orange Beetle... Uh, Beetle Fruit... Beetle Breakfast... Uhhh, Beetle Drink... Uh Beetle, uhh, uhh, uhhh... Beetle Juice?

  Beetlejuice : Yes! That's it!

  Lydia : Your name's "Beetle Juice"?

  Beetlejuice : Ahh, you said it twice. Just say it once more, come on!

  Lydia : It was you, wasn't it?

  Beetlejuice : What? Me?

  Lydia : The snake.

  Beetlejuice : No, what snake? You kids and your imaginations. Just say it!

  Lydia : No... I want to talk to Barbara.

  Beetlejuice : No, you don't need to talk to Barbara. JUST SAY IT!

• Beetlejuice : [after Lydia says his name three times]  It's showtime!

• Beetlejuice : These aren't my rules. Come to think of it, I don't have any rules.

• Preacher : And you, do you, Lydia, take this man...?

  Lydia : [Interrupting]  No! Beetle...

  Beetlejuice : [covers Lydia's mouth with his hand]  She's a little bit nervous. Uh, maybe I should answer for her, okay?

  [speaks in Lydia's voice] 

  Beetlejuice : I'm Lydia Deetz and I'm of sound mind. The man next to me is the one I want. You asked me, I'm answering. Yes, I love that man of mine.

• Beetlejuice : [as a snake]  We've come for your daughter, Chuck.

• Preacher : Do you take this woman to be your wedded wife?

  Beetlejuice : [Runs off to the side mumbling to himself]  Oh geez, I don't know. I mean, it's kind of a big decision isn't it? I mean, I always said if I ever did it, I was gonna do it once and that was it. Oh, well.

  [Runs back to the altar and stands next to Lydia] 

  Beetlejuice : Sure, yeah. Go ahead.

• Adam : Can you be scary?

  Beetlejuice : Oh, thanks for asking

  [turns around, imitates jerking-off] 

  Beetlejuice : . Can I be scary? What do you think of this?

  [makes a horrific image we don't see] 

  Beetlejuice : You like it?

• [last lines] 

  [in the waiting room, Betelgeuse is sitting next to a witch doctor who is next in line] 

  Beetlejuice : Pardon me. Did you do that?

  [points to an explorer with a shrunken head] 

  Beetlejuice : That's very nice work. Let me ask you something. How do you get them so sma...? Hey, there goes Elvis! Yo, King!

  [as the doctor looks away, Betelgeuse switches numbers] 

  Beetlejuice : Well, looks like I'm next. Good thing, too. I gotta do a photo shoot for GQ in about an hour and a half. Yeah, they've been after me for months. Doin' some underwear deal. I don't know what...

  [the witch doctor sprinkles some powder on Betelgeuse's head which starts it shrinking] 

  Beetlejuice : [voice getting higher as head gets smaller]  Whoa, hey! What are you doing? Hey, stop it! Hey, you're messing up my hair! C'mon! Whoa! Whoa! Stop it! Whoa! Hey, this might be a good look for me.

• Beetlejuice : [as Otho tries to escape]  Not so fast, round boy. We're gonna have some laughs!

  [he dresses Otho up in horrible, conventional clothes] 

• Beetlejuice : I gotta card around here, somewhere. Here, here. Who do I have to kill? Here hold that for me, would ya?

  [hands Barbara a rat] 

  Barbara : Whoa! AHH!

  Beetlejuice : There. There ya go.

  Adam : You don't have to kill anybody!

  Beetlejuice : Ah, possession! Good.

  Barbara : [In Betelgeuse's voice]  Learn to throw your voice! Fool your friends! Fun at parties!

• Beetlejuice : I'm just doin' my job. Besides, I thought we had a deal! Hey, it's OK. You know why? I don't wanna do business with you deadbeats anyway. The only one I think I can deal with is Edgar Allan Poe's daughter. I think she understands me.

• Beetlejuice : You know, you look like somebody I can relate to. Maybe you could help me get out of here, you know, because I got to tell you, this dead thing... it's just too creepy. See, here's my problem. I got these friends I said I'd meet, and it's the kind of thing where I have to be there in person, so could you help me get out of here?

  Lydia : I want to get in.

  Beetlejuice : Why?... You know, hey, you probably got your reasons. I can't do anything from here. If you could get me out, then maybe we could talk or something.

• Beetlejuice : I'm feeling a little, ooh, anxious if you know what I mean. It's been about six hundred years after all. I wonder where a guy, an everyday Joe like myself, can find a little action...

  [a brothel appears] 

  Beetlejuice : [dances with joy]  Hey, Adam, nice move!

  Barbara : Adam, why did you build that?

  Adam : I didn't!

  [Adam and Barbara appear at Juno's office] 

  Juno : The whorehouse was my idea! I want you to get Beetlejuice out of the picture!

• Beetlejuice : Let's see, business section.

  [he flips to the obituary page of a newspaper] 

  Beetlejuice : Ooh la la. What do we got here? The Maitlands, uh? Cute couple. Look nice and stupid, too.

• Beetlejuice : [to Charles and Delia]  Mom, Dad. I just want you two to know, you're welcome at our house anytime you want to come over. In the meantime, the dowry's on me, dad.

  [gives Charles a handful of snakes] 

• Beetlejuice : *That* is why I won't do two shows a night anymore, babe, I won't.

• [Head spins wildly and begins shrieking] 

  Beetlejuice : Don't you hate it when that happens?

• [a fly appears in the Maitland home, it flies onto the model of the town, then lands near the graveyard area] 

  Beetlejuice : [pops out of a crack]  Hey! Hey, you! Hey, come here!

  [fly stops, looks Betelgeuse's direction while the hands hold up a Zagnut candy bar] 

  Beetlejuice : Got something good for ya... Here, boy. Wanna come on over? Have a bite?Want something to nosh?

  [enticed by the bar, the fly comes closer, quite hesitant...] 

  Beetlejuice : [laughs]  Come here!

  [grabs the fly and pulls him into the crack, throws the Zagnut aside] 

  The Fly : Help me! Help me! Help meeeee!

  [a burp is heard] 

• Beetlejuice : You want to get somebody out of your house. I want to get somebody out of your house.

• Beetlejuice : Oh, yeah. Here I am come, baby.

• Beetlejuice : [Trying to get Lydia to say his name three times]  No, you don't need to talk to Barbara. Just SAY IT!