- Jessica Rabbit: You don't know how hard it is being a woman looking the way I do.
- Eddie Valiant: You don't know how hard it is being a man looking at a woman looking the way you do.
- Jessica Rabbit: I'm not bad. I'm just drawn that way.
- [Judge Doom about to "dip" Roger]
- Eddie Valiant: Hey, Judge. Doesn't a dying rabbit deserve a last request?
- Roger Rabbit: Yeah, nose plugs would be nice.
- Eddie Valiant: I think you want a drink. So, how about it, Judge?
- Judge Doom: Well, why not? I don't mind prolonging the execution.
- Eddie Valiant: Happy trails.
- Roger Rabbit: No thanks, Eddie. I'm trying to cut down.
- Eddie Valiant: Drink the drink.
- Roger Rabbit: But I don't want the drink.
- Judge Doom: He doesn't want the drink.
- Eddie Valiant: He does.
- Roger Rabbit: I don't.
- Eddie Valiant: You do.
- Roger Rabbit: I don't.
- Eddie Valiant: You do.
- Roger Rabbit: I don't.
- Eddie Valiant: You do.
- Roger Rabbit: I don't.
- Eddie Valiant: You don't.
- Roger Rabbit: I do.
- Eddie Valiant: You don't.
- Roger Rabbit: I do.
- Eddie Valiant: You don't.
- Roger Rabbit: [taking drink] Listen, when I say I do, that means I do.
- [Roger smokes up, releasing him self from Judge Doom, and Eddie takes out the Weasels]
- Eddie Valiant: You crazy rabbit! I'm out there risking my neck for you, and what are you doing? Singing and dancing!
- Roger Rabbit: But I'm a toon. Toons are supposed to make people laugh.
- Eddie Valiant: Sit down!
- Roger Rabbit: You don't understand. Those people needed to laugh.
- Eddie Valiant: Then when they're done laughing, they'll call the cops. That guy Angelo would rat on you for a nickel.
- Roger Rabbit: Not Angelo. He'd never turn me in.
- Eddie Valiant: Why? Because you made him laugh?
- Roger Rabbit: That's right! A laugh can be a very powerful thing. Why, sometimes in life, it's the only weapon we have.
- [Eddie is hiding Roger in his jacket]
- Dolores: Is that a rabbit in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
- Roger Rabbit: Yeah. Check the probate. Why, my Uncle Thumper had a problem with HIS probate, and he had to take these big pills, and drink lots of water.
- Eddie Valiant: Not prostate, you idiot, PROBATE!
- Eddie Valiant: [Roger managed to slip his arm out of the Handcuffs he and Eddie were attached to] You mean you could've taken your hand out of that cuff at any time?
- Roger Rabbit: No, not at any time, only when it was funny.
- Bugs Bunny: [Eddie is falling; Mickey Mouse and Bugs Bunny, both wearing parachutes, join him] Eh, what's up, Doc? Jumpin' without a parachute? Kinda dangerous, ain't it?
- Eddie Valiant: Yeah.
- Mickey Mouse: Yeah. You could get killed. Ha-ha, ha-ha.
- Eddie Valiant: You guys got a spare?
- Mickey Mouse: Uh, Bugs does.
- Eddie Valiant: Yeah?
- Bugs Bunny: [in a sing-song tone] Yeah, but I don't think you want it.
- Eddie Valiant: I do, I do, give it to me!
- Mickey Mouse: Gee, uh, better let him have it, Bugs.
- Bugs Bunny: Okay, Doc, whatever you say, here's the spare.
- [hands Eddie the spare parachute]
- Eddie Valiant: Thank you.
- Eddie Valiant: Thank you.
- [Mickey and Bugs deploy parachutes; Eddie pulls ripcord on parachute, and a car tire inflates]
- Eddie Valiant: Aw, no! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!
- Mickey Mouse: Aw, poor fella. Ha ha.
- Bugs Bunny: Yeah, ain't I a stinker?
- Lena Hyena: [Eddie continues falling until Lena Hyena catches him before he hits the ground] My man!
- [Gives him a stretching kiss, Eddie tumbles backwards away from her a long way]
- Lena Hyena: Come to Lena!
- Eddie Valiant: [Starts running towards him, Eddie rips part of a street line and moves it toward a wall which she runs straight into] Toons. Gets 'em every time.
- Eddie Valiant: I'm through with taking falls / And bouncing off the walls / Without that gun, I'd have some fun / I'd kick you in the...
- [bottle falls on his head]
- Roger Rabbit: Nose!
- Smart Ass: Nose? That don't rhyme with "walls."
- Eddie Valiant: No, but this does.
- [kicks Smartass in the crotch, propelling him into a vat of Dip]
- [the Toons gather around Judge Doom's remains]
- Mickey Mouse: Gosh, I wonder who he really was?
- Bugs Bunny: I'll tell you one thing, Doc. He weren't no rabbit.
- Daffy Duck: Or a duck.
- Goofy: Or a dog.
- Pinocchio: Or a little wooden boy.
- Big Bad Wolf: Or a... sheep.
- Woody Woodpecker: Or a woodpecker.
- Sylvester: Or a pussy.
- Roger Rabbit: [after bursting in through the drain, holding a gun] Okay, nobody move! All right, you weasels, grab some sky or I let the judge have it. You heard me, I said drop it!
- Jessica Rabbit: Roger, darling!
- Roger Rabbit: That's right, my dear. I'd love to embrace you, but first, I have to satisfy my sense of moral outrage.
- Judge Doom: Put that gun down, you buck-toothed fool!
- Roger Rabbit: That's it, Doom. Give me another excuse to pump you full of lead. So you thought you could get away with it, didn't you? Ha! We toons may act idiotic, but we're not stupid. We demand justice. Why, the real meaning of the word probably hits you like a ton of bricks.
- [a ton of bricks falls on Roger from above]
- Jessica Rabbit: Roger! Roger, say something!
- Roger Rabbit: [Stars circle around Roger's head] Look, stars! Ready when you are, Raoul.
- [Jessica and Roger are tied up together, about to get dipped by Judge Doom's Dip-O-Matic Vehicle]
- Jessica Rabbit: Roger, darling. I want you to know I love you. I've loved you more than any woman's ever loved a rabbit.
- [first lines]
- Mrs. Herman: Mommy's going to the beauty parlor, darling, but I'm leaving you with your favorite friend, Roger. He's going to take very, very good care of you, because if he doesn't... HE'S GOING BACK TO THE SCIENCE LAB.
- Roger Rabbit: Jumpin' Jeepers.
- Benny the Cab: Hey Roger, what do you call the middle of a song?
- Roger Rabbit: Gee, I don't know
- [sees that they're heading for...]
- Roger Rabbit: A BRIDGE!
- Roger Rabbit: What could have possibly happen to you to turn you into such a sourpuss?
- Eddie Valiant: You really want to know? I'll tell you. A toon killed my brother.
- Roger Rabbit: A toon? No!
- Eddie Valiant: Yes, a toon. We were investigating a robbery at the First National Bank of Toontown. Back in those days, me and Teddy liked working Toontown, thought it was a lot of laughs. Anyway, this guy got away with a zillion simoleons. We trailed him to a little dive down on Yukster Street. We went in. Only he got the drop on us, literally. Dropped a piano on us from fifteen stories. Broke my arm, Teddy never made it. I never did find out who that guy was. All I remember was him standing over me laughing, with those burning red eyes, and that high, squeaky voice. He disappeared into Toontown after that.
- Eddie Valiant: Anybody know you're here?
- Roger Rabbit: Nobody. Not a soul, except, uh...
- Eddie Valiant: Who?
- Roger Rabbit: Well, you see, I didn't know where your office was. So I asked the newsboy. He didn't know. So I asked the fireman, the green grocerer, the butcher, the baker, they didn't know! But the liquor store guy... he knew.
- Eddie Valiant: [Grabs Roger and sends him to the door] In other words, the whole damn town knows you're here! Get out!
- Daffy Duck: I've worked with a lot of withe-quackerth, but you are dethpicable
- Donald Duck: Doggone stubborn little- That did it! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
- Daffy Duck: Thith ith the latht time I work with thomeone with a th-peech impediment.
- Donald F. Duck: Oh, yeah?
- Donald F. Duck: [shuts Daffy in a piano]
- Daffy Duck: Thith meanth war.
- Eddie Valiant: [after discovering Doom after being flattened by a Steamroller get up and wobbling to his feet] Holy smoke, he's a Toon!
- Judge Doom: Surprised?
- Eddie Valiant: Not really. That lame-brained freeway idea could only be cooked up by a Toon.
- Judge Doom: Not just ANY Toon...
- [Doom wobbles over to an oxygen tank, puts the valve in his mouth and turns it on. He inflates back to his old self. His hat flies off and his prosthetic eyeballs pop out. Then he turns menacingly to Eddie, his eyes glowing a grim Toon red. Eddie gasps in terror]
- Judge Doom: [voice getting higher, until it reaches a high-pitched squeak] Remember me, Eddie? When I killed your brother, I talked... just... like... THIS!
- [eyes pop out in the shape of daggers]
- Jessica Rabbit: Oh, Roger. You were magnificent.
- Roger Rabbit: Was I really?
- Jessica Rabbit: Better than Goofy.
- Roger Rabbit: [as Eddie's attempting to push him out of his office] P-p-please, Eddie! Don't throw me out. Don't you realize you're making a big mistake? I didn't kill anybody. I swear! The whole thing's a set up. A scam, a frame job. Ow! Eddie, I could never hurt anybody. Oow! My whole purpose in life is to make... people... laugh!
- Judge Doom: [Explaining his plan to obliterate Toontown] A few weeks ago I had the good providence to stumble upon a plan of the city council. A construction plan of epic proportions. We're calling it a freeway.
- Eddie Valiant: Freeway? What the hell's a freeway?
- Judge Doom: Eight lanes of shimmering cement running from here to Pasadena. Smooth, safe, fast. Traffic jams will be a thing of the past.
- Angelo: Hey, I seen a rabbit.
- [Roger gasps]
- Eddie Valiant: Ya see?
- Judge Doom: Where?
- Angelo: He's right here in the bar.
- [puts his arm around Harvey the Invisible Rabbit]
- Angelo: Say hello... Harvey.
- [the whole bar erupts in laughter]
- Roger Rabbit: I told you so.
- Judge Doom: [Tapping his cane against the wall] Shave, and a haircut...
- [Roger crashes through the wall]
- Roger Rabbit: TWO BITS!
- [Judge Doom successfully grabs Roger round the neck]
- Roger Rabbit: [Crying] No wonder you hate me. If a toon killed my brother, I'd hate me too.
- Eddie Valiant: Come on, don't cry. I don't hate you.
- Roger Rabbit: Yes, you do.
- Eddie Valiant: No, I don't.
- Roger Rabbit: You do hate me. Otherwise, you wouldn't have yanked my ears all those times.
- Eddie Valiant: Well, I'm... I'm sorry I yanked your ears.
- Roger Rabbit: All the times you yanked my ears?
- Eddie Valiant: All the times I yanked your ears.
- Judge Doom: Can you guess what this is?
- [Turns tap handle, Dip pours out onto a silver plate]
- Jessica Rabbit: Oh my God, it's DIP!
- Judge Doom: That's right, my dear! Enough to dip Toontown off the face of the earth!
- [Removes the curtain, revealing a vehicle that contains a tonne of dip stored]
- Judge Doom: Vehicle of my own design; 5,000 gallons of heated dip, pumped at enormous velocity through a pressurized water cannon. Toontown will be erased in a matter of minutes.
- Eddie Valiant: So that's why you killed Acme and Maroon? For this freeway? I don't get it.
- Judge Doom: Of course not. You lack vision, but I see a place where people get on and off the freeway. On and off, off and on all day, all night. Soon, where Toontown once stood will be a string of gas stations, inexpensive motels, restaurants that serve rapidly prepared food. Tire salons, automobile dealerships and wonderful, wonderful billboards reaching as far as the eye can see. My God, it'll be beautiful.
- [Bongo catches Eddie spying on Jessica]
- Bongo: What do you think you're doing, chump?
- Eddie Valiant: Who are you calling a chump, chimp?
- [growls, picks up Eddie and carries him to the backstage door and throws Eddie into the garbage]
- Bongo: Don't let me catch your peeping face around here again. Got it?
- [growls and slams the door]
- Eddie Valiant: OOGA-BOOGA!
- Eddie Valiant: A ladies' man, eh?
- Baby Herman: The problem is I got a fifty year old lust and a three year old dinky.
- Eddie Valiant: Yeah. Must be tough.
- Baby Herman: Look, Valiant, the rabbit didn't kill Acme. He's not a murderer, I should know, he's a dear friend of mine. I tell ya Valiant, the whole thing stinks like yesterday's diapers. Look at this. The papers said Acme left no will.
- [Tosses Eddie a Newspaper which shows Marvin Acme with a will in the pocket of his shirt]
- Baby Herman: That's a load of succotash. Any toon knows Acme had a will. He promised to leave Toontown to us toons. That will is the real reason he got bumped off.
- Eddie Valiant: Has anybody ever seen this will?
- Baby Herman: Ah, no. But he gave us his solemn oath.
- Eddie Valiant: If you think that guy could do anything solemn, the gag's on you, pal.
- Baby Herman: I just thought that since you were the one who got my pal in trouble, you might wanna help get him out. I can pay ya.
- Eddie Valiant: [angry] Save your money for a pair of elevator shoes!
- [pushes stroller]
- Baby Herman: Hey hey hay, Valiant, wait!
- [cigar falls to floor as stroller hits woman]
- Baby Herman: My stogie!
- [sees ruined cigar]
- Baby Herman: WAAAAAAAA-HAHAHAHAAAAAA! WAAAAAAAAAAAAH! WAAAAAA...
- Roger Rabbit: [In the Movie Theatre] Boy, did you see that? Nobody takes a wallop like Goofy. What timing! What finesse! What a genius!
- Eddie Valiant: Say, Roger. That letter you wrote to your wife at the Ink and Paint Club? Why don't you read it to her now?
- Roger Rabbit: Sure thing, Eddie. "Dear Jessica: How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I, Marvin Acme, of sound mind and body...? It's the will!
- Eddie Valiant: Keep reading.
- Roger Rabbit: "... do hereby bequeath, in perpetuity, the property known as Toontown, to those lovable characters, the toons"!
- Jessica Rabbit: [Aims a gun at Eddie Valiant] Valiant.
- Eddie Valiant: I always knew I'd get it in Toontown.
- [as he turns around, A shadow of Judge Doom with a gun appears on the wall]
- Jessica Rabbit: Behind you!
- [Shoots at the shadow; it falls back and the gun drops on the floor]
- Eddie Valiant: Drop it, lady!
- Jessica Rabbit: I just saved your life, and you still don't trust me?
- Eddie Valiant: I don't trust anybody or anything!
- Jessica Rabbit: Not even your own eyes?
- [Points at the gun on the floor]
- Jessica Rabbit: That's the gun that killed R.K. Maroon, and Doom pulled the trigger.
- Eddie Valiant: Doom?
- Jessica Rabbit: I tracked him to the studio, but I was too late to stop him.
- Judge Doom: [Running down the alley] That's right! You'll never stop me! You're dead! You're both dead!
- Eddie Valiant: Doom!
- [Shoots from his toon gun; Doom turns right and the bullets stop in mid air]
- Bullet #3: Which way did he go?
- Bullet #2: I don't know. He went thataway.
- Bullet #3: Let's go.
- [They turn left, the wrong way]
- Eddie Valiant: Dum-dums.
- [as they're filming a Baby Herman Cartoon, things go wrong at the point when the Refrigerator gets dropped on Roger's head]
- Raoul J. Raoul: Cut! Cut, cut, cut, cut, CUT!
- Baby Herman: What the hell was wrong with THAT take?
- Raoul J. Raoul: Nothing with you, Baby Herman. You were great. You were perfect. You were BETTER than perfect! It's Roger, he keeps BLOWING HIS LINES! Roger, what is this?
- Roger Rabbit: A tweeting bird.
- Raoul J. Raoul: "A tweeting bird." Roger, read this script. Look what it says. It says, "Rabbit gets klunked, rabbit sees STARS." Not birds, STARS!
- [Eddie sneaks up on Maroon]
- R.K. Maroon: [startled] Ehh!
- Eddie Valiant: What's up, Doc?
- R.K. Maroon: Valiant, are you trying to give me a heart attack?
- Eddie Valiant: You need a heart, before you can have an attack.
- R.K. Maroon: Yeah, yeah. You got the will?
- Eddie Valiant: Sure. I got the will. Question is, do you have the way? I can tell you now it ain't gonna come cheap.
- Betty Boop: Cigars? Cigarettes?... Eddie Valiant!
- Eddie Valiant: [turns around] Betty!
- Betty Boop: Long time, no see!
- Eddie Valiant: What are you doing here?
- Betty Boop: Work's been kinda slow since cartoons went to color. But I still got it, Eddie! "Boop-boop-be-doop-*boop*!"
- Eddie Valiant: [grins] Yeah. You still got it.
- Eddie Valiant: Dolores, you need to find yourself a good man.
- Dolores: But I already have a good man.
- [they are about to kiss when Roger sighs - they turn to him]
- Roger Rabbit: P-p-please, don't mind me.
- R.K. Maroon: How much do you know about show business, Mr. Valiant?
- Eddie Valiant: Only that there is no business like it, no business I know.
- R.K. Maroon: Yeah. And there's no business more expensive. I'm 25 grand over budget on the latest Baby Herman cartoon. You've saw the rabbit blowin' his lines. He can't keep his mind on his work. You know why?
- Eddie Valiant: One too many refrigerators dropped on his head?
- R.K. Maroon: Nah, he's a toon. You can drop anything you want on his head, he'll shake it off. But break his heart, he goes to pieces just like you or me.
- Betty Boop: Work's been kinda slow since cartoons went to color. But I've still got it Eddie. Boop boop be doop, boop!
- Eddie Valiant: Yeah Betty. You still got it!
- Roger Rabbit: Jeepers, Eddie. That was swell. You saved my life. How can I ever repay ya?
- [kisses Eddie, Eddie pulls away]
- Eddie Valiant: For starters, don't ever kiss me again.
- Roger Rabbit: P-p-please, Raoul. I can give you stars. Just drop the refrigerator on my head one more time!
- Raoul J. Raoul: Roger, I've dropped it on your head 23 times already.
- Roger Rabbit: I can take it, don't worry about me.
- Raoul J. Raoul: I'm not worried about you, I'm worried about the REFRIGERATOR!
- Roger Rabbit: But I can give you stars, Look!
- [Raoul storms out, not paying any attention to Roger slapping a Frying Pan on his head and producing many effects, none of them stars]
- Roger Rabbit: [as Eddie's performance causes the Toon Patrol to literally die of laughter] Keep it up, Eddie. You're killing 'em. You're slaying 'em! You're knocking 'em DEAD!
- Eddie Valiant: Forget it. I don't work Toontown.
- R.K. Maroon: What's wrong with Toontown? Every Joe loves Toontown.
- Eddie Valiant: Then get Joe to do the job, 'cause I ain't going.
- Eddie Valiant: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You mean to tell me that in a fit of jealousy you wrote your wife a love letter?
- Roger Rabbit: That's right! I knew that she was just an innocent victim of circumstance.
- Eddie Valiant: I suppose you used the old lipstick on the mirror routine.
- Roger Rabbit: Lipstick, yes. Mirror, no. I found a nice, clean piece of paper.
- [reading]
- Roger Rabbit: "Dear Jessica: How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. One one-thousand. Two one-thousand. Three one-thousand. Four one-thousand. Five...?
- Roger Rabbit: Say, Eddie. That sure was a funny dance you did for the weasels. Do you think your days of being a sourpuss are over?
- Eddie Valiant: Only time will tell.
- Roger Rabbit: Yeah, well... put 'er there, pal.
- [They shake hands; Eddie gets shocked by buzzer on Roger's hand; he glowers at Roger]
- Roger Rabbit: Don't tell me you lost your sense of humor already?
- Eddie Valiant: [Grabbing Roger by the throat] Does this answer your question?
- [Eddie kisses Roger in the mouth]
- Benny the Cab: Pull the lever!
- Eddie Valiant: Which one?
- Roger Rabbit: Which one?
- Benny the Cab: "Which one?"
- [a sign pops up on the dashboard reading "This one, stupid!"]
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