Press Gang (1989–1993)

Dexter Fletcher: Spike Thomson, Young James Thomson

Photos 

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Quotes 

• [Julie wants Spike to go undercover on a date for an exclusive interview] 

  Julie : ...He'd be, well, seducing her.

  Spike : Yeah, but I'd only be doing it so I could nail her... I mean pin her down... Look, this could be a big story for us; All Julie's suggesting is, if I can get this woman relaxed by candlelight, maybe, just maybe, I could loosen her tongue.

  [Lynda slaps Spike] 

• [Entering a room] 

  Spike : Girls please, tongues in.

• Lynda : Has anyone ever told you you've got a wonderful vocabulary?

  Spike : I always knew that, I just could never put it into words.

• Spike : Do you know what that woman has done to me?

  Frazz : Dated you, dumped you, broken your heart, sent you packing back to America, given you a serious complex about all love of women because you know deep down you're still crazy about her and always will be.

  Spike : Lucky guess.

• Spike : Some guy you're nuts about stood you up, right?

  Sarah : How did you know?

  Spike : Well it is Saturday.

• Spike : I like your dress.

  Lynda : What about the jacket?

  Spike : I like the dress.

  Lynda : You think the jacket goes?

  Spike : I hope it does.

• Spike : You couldn't get a date if you were paying for one.

  Lynda : Of course I could. We've got loads in petty cash.

• Lynda Day : Is that a joke about my height?

  Spike Thomson : I wouldn't stoop so low.

• Lynda : Spike, I'm hurt you think I spend the whole time lying to you.

  Spike : When it suits you.

  Lynda : Right, and only when.

• Lynda : You and me Spike, we're held together by a force even stronger than true love.

  Spike : Which is?

  Lynda : We both want the last word.

  Spike : Yeah, well I don't have to answer to that.

  Lynda : See what I mean?

• Spike : I guess you're looking for the bitch editor from hell, right?

  Kenny : I never call her that, she likes it.

• Spike : Why do I stick with that woman?

  Julie : Because you're completely obsessively madly in love with her.

  Spike : Oh there's gotta be more to it than that.

• Spike : You've been sleeping here again?

  Lynda : No, I just thought this would be a great look.

• Spike : Lynda, I still need help with this form.

  Lynda : Look you can read can't you?

  Spike : Until my finger gets sore.

  Lynda : And you can write.

  Spike : Right, I can do that backwards, but I'm getting help for that.

  Lynda : Spike this is getting boring. Is there anything you don't joke about?

  Spike : Sure.

  Lynda : What?

  Spike : Nothing.

  [pauses] 

  Spike : I was joking. Fun isn't it?

  Lynda : I've had more fun with a pencil stuck in my eye.

  Spike : You think we're becoming friends here? I think I feel a spark.

  Lynda : Spike.

  Spike : So how long before we start going out with each other?

  Lynda : What?

  Spike : Because I want to know something straight.

  Lynda : About what?

  Spike : When I dump you - you want a letter, or should I just stop phoning?

• Colin : Can we talk Spike - man to man?

  Spike : [looks at Colin in disgust]  Man to what?

• Colin : Ruby Grogan, Spike. Just stay away from her.

  Spike : Don't tell me, you've fallen in love again, and you haven't gotten around to telling the lady yet. Ethel Stuttgart two right?

  Colin : I'm warning you Spike, just stay away from her.

  Spike : I'm trying to! And what are you going to do if I don't?

  Colin : Spike, I don't want to get violent.

  Spike : [pushes Colin]  Violent?

  Colin : Well, rude.

  Spike : [pushes Colin again]  Rude?

  Colin : Well a bit off hand certainly.

  [Spike grabs Colin by his shirt] 

  Colin : Well more kind of reserved, you know, distantly. A kind of polite.

  Spike : So if I don't stay away from Ruby, you're gonna get polite with me?

  Colin : Yeah!

  [Spike lets go] 

  Colin : And that's just for starters!

• Lynda : You've just entered a room without a string of gags about how pretty you are. Want to talk about it?

  Spike : It's a sad story boss, my ego got so big that it left me.

• Lynda : Ruby Grogan?

  Ruby : Yes?

  Lynda : Sorry, but Spike won't be coming in today.

  Ruby : Oh?

  Lynda : He's a bit off color. Well, parts of him. It's his rash again.

  Ruby : His what?

  Lynda : It's horribly inflamed.

  Ruby : Inflamed?

  Lynda : Horribly, yes. Well you know how it is when his sores start up.

  Ruby : Well, should I go and see him?

  Lynda : What, actually look at him you mean? Oh no, I wouldn't advise that. Anyway, it's contagious.

  Ruby : It is?

  Lynda : Very. You haven't been touching anything of his have you?

  Ruby : Well I sat in his chair...

  Lynda : You'll be alright, I know you will.

  [Pushes Ruby out the door of the newsroom, then knocks on the bathroom door. Spike comes out] 

  Spike : You told her I was busy?

  Lynda : Yes.

  Spike : Thanks.

• Lynda : Don't you think you've got something to say to me?

  Spike : Suddenly, she stood before him. Their eyes met. Especially hers. Y'know, you really ought to do something about that squint.

  Lynda : I don't have a squint!

  Spike : Oh no! Must be me!

  Kenny : Here we go!

  Tiddler : Yep

  Lynda : So what made you come in tonight? Don't tell me you were frightened of little old me?

  Spike : You know, if you did have a squint, it might actually improve your appearance.

  Lynda : If I had a squint, it would certainly improve yours.

  Spike : Oh, were you being funny there? I've heard rumours about you doing this.

  Lynda : I've a sense of humour, same as anyone!

  Spike : Yeah, you told me once, but I thought you were joking!

  Lynda : That's probably because I always laugh when I look at you!

  Spike : Ha! You laugh? We'd have to use electrodes!

  Lynda : Yeah, on you!

  Kenny : Look, can we just stop this, please?

  Spike : Tell her, she's the one that needs relaxing!

  Lynda : I'm perfectly relaxed!

  Spike : You're so uptight, your feet don't reach the ground!

  [Lynda looks down] 

  Spike : Made you look!

• Spike : I mean, what's life if you can't look yourself in the eye and say, "Hey! I used to have two of those!"

• Lynda Day : Can we please just stop this? Can we for once act like two normal people?

  Spike Thomson : Hey, I can act like two normal people if you can.

• Lynda Day : You just don't understand the concept of building a career do you Thomson?

  Spike Thomson : Hey, I made a career out of it.

• Spike Thomson : I looked in the mirror this morning, I was looking so great, it just gave up.

• Spike Thomson : She thinks we're stupid. I mean she just assumes we're stupid. How does she know that we're stupid?

  Frazz Davis : Maybe somebody told her.

• Spike : I just feel like I've known her for the rest of my life.