Crimes and Misdemeanors (1989)

Woody Allen: Cliff Stern

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Quotes 

• Barbara : You told me it's been platonic for a year. And I say, once the sex goes, it all goes.

  Cliff Stern : It's true. It's true. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.

• Clifford Stern : [to his wife]  Honey, you're the one who stopped sleeping with me, ok. It'll be a year come April 20th. I remember the date exactly, because it was Hitler's birthday.

• Halley Reed : I wanted to give you this letter back.

  Clifford Stern : It's my one love letter.

  Halley Reed : It's beautiful. I'm just the wrong person.

  Clifford Stern : It's probably just as well. I plagiarized most of it from James Joyce. You probably wondered why all the references to Dublin.

• Clifford Stern : A strange man - defecated on my sister.

  Wendy Stern : Why?

  Clifford Stern : I don't know. Is there any - is there any reason I could give you that would answer that satisfactorily? You know, its just so - human sexuality is just - it's so mysterious.

• Clifford Stern : Show business is, is dog-eat-dog. It's worse than dog-eat-dog. It's dog-doesn't-return-other-dog's-phone-calls. You know, it's just terrible. Which reminds me, I should really check my service. I don't know why, I haven't had a message in seven years! You know, I call up and I hear the girls on the other end giggling.

• Clifford Stern : [on Professor Levy's demise]  He left a note. He left a simple little note that said "I've gone out the window." This is a major intellectual and he leaves a note that says "I've gone out the window." He's a role-model. You'd think he'd leave a decent note.

• Clifford Stern : I know this guy! He won't be able to take his hands off you. He'll get you in a room, you know, and he'll - he'll read you your Miranda rights and he'll tear your clothes off!

  Halley Reed : He's interested in producing something of mine.

  Clifford Stern : Your first child!

• Clifford Stern : Listen, I don't know from suicides. Y'know, where I grew up, in Brooklyn, nobody committed suicide. Y'know, everyone was too unhappy.

• Clifford Stern : While we're waiting for a cab I'll give you your lesson for today. Don't listen to what your teachers tell ya, you know. Don't pay attention. Just, just see what they look like and that's how you'll know what life is really gonna be like.

• Clifford Stern : [on Lester]  When he tells you he wants to exchange ideas, what he wants is to exchange fluids.

• Cliff Stern : I think I see a cab. If we run quickly we can kick the crutch from that old lady and get it.

• Clifford Stern : [referring to Lester]  I love him like a brother... David Greenglass.

• Clifford Stern : What is the guy so upset about? You'd think nobody was ever compared to Mussolini before.

• Lester : I know you don't respect what I do. I understand that. But, you know I got a closet full of Emmys! You realize that, don't you? Alright, okay, you think that's bull shit. Fine. Okay. Fine. I understand.

  Clifford Stern : I don't know. Maybe I could use the money to finish my movie. You know, I do have some debts and things.

  Lester : [into his recorder]  Idea for farce: a poor, eh, a poor loser agrees to do the story of a great man's life and in the process comes to learn deep values.

• Clifford Stern : My heart says one thing, my head says something else. It's very hard to get your heart and head together in life. Let me teach you that, you know. In my case, they're not even friendly.

• Clifford Stern : What are you bothering with this guy for? I mean, you know, he's such a pompous bore and your show does such great profiles.

  Halley Reed : Well, listen, I'll tell you, just between you and me, I wanted to do Gabriel García Márquez.

  Clifford Stern : That's perfect!

  Halley Reed : They like to mix it up. They like a little variety. After all, he is an American phenomenon.

  Clifford Stern : Yeah, but so is acid rain.

• Clifford Stern : [after being handed a box of Milk Duds]  Great. Now I can get rid of my few remaining teeth.

• Halley Reed : [on the philosopher Lewis Levy]  He was very eloquent on the subject of love, didn't you think?

  Clifford Stern : I wish I had met him before I got married. It would've saved me a gall bladder operation.

• Lester : Look, I'll be frank with you. You're not my first choice. I'm doing this strictly as a favor to Wendy. Because, you haven't worked in a long time. She's embarrassed!

  Clifford Stern : I work! It's just that nobody's paying me.

• Judah Rosenthal : You look very deep in thought.

  Clifford Stern : I was plotting the perfect murder.

  Judah Rosenthal : Yeah? Movie plot?

  Clifford Stern : Movie?

  Judah Rosenthal : Ben, uhm... that's what Ben told me. You make films.

  Clifford Stern : Yeah, but not that kind. You know, a different kind.

  Judah Rosenthal : I have a great murder story.

• Clifford Stern : [on Lester's sitcoms]  I can't watch his stuff. It's submental.

• Clifford Stern : I have so much good footage of him. You know, even though we just met, I've taken an instant liking to you.

  Halley Reed : And I to him.

• Clifford Stern : I'm in a great mood today. I had a creative breakthrough; so, my juices are flowing.

• Barbara : I'm so lonely. You don't know what its like to be by yourself all the time.

  Clifford Stern : Sure, you're lonely. I know its painful. But, promise me that you're never going to place another ad again. Because, that's just - you know, it's ridiculous!

  Barbara : My whole life is passing me by and I don't have anyone to love. I know that's so hard for you to comprehend because you're married. But, it's so lonely out there. I mean, you have a wife and you love her and that's so nice.

  Clifford Stern : Let me tell you something, things are not so good between my wife and myself. Just so you don't get any allusions. You know, we've been coming apart for the last year. You know, it's just that neither of us has the energy to do anything about it. But, it's not so great.

• Clifford Stern : This only happens in the movies.

• Halley Reed : I never should have told you my weakness is going to the movies in the daytime.

  Clifford Stern : I go all the time with my niece. It's wonderful! You know, its like playing hooky.

  Halley Reed : Yeah, that's what you said yesterday. We were late then, too.

• Clifford Stern : See. No limos. No bimbos. No, no awards or anything. This is just, you know, is just a thinker - a intellect.

• Clifford Stern : You want some champagne?

  Halley Reed : I - I - I'd love - I never say no to champagne - or caviar.

  Clifford Stern : Okay, that's perfect! I - I have no caviar, of course. I have oat bran. Which is better for your heart.

• Clifford Stern : You must have had a pretty terrible marriage if you don't want to be asked out on any dates.

  Halley Reed : Well, no, I mean, he was great. You know, very brilliant. He's an architect. Real handsome and everything. But, if you're going to have an affair, not with my best friend, in my four poster bed, and they definitely didn't have to finish all my pistachio nuts.

• Halley Reed : What are you doing with a copy of "Singin' in the Rain"?

  Clifford Stern : It's - it's the one print that I own. It's a very good 16 mm print. I play it every couple of months to get my spirits up.

• Wendy Stern : We really do have to go. I have to get up at dawn and teach Emily Dickinson to a bunch of upper-middle class crack addicts.

  Halley Reed : One of my favorite poets.

  Clifford Stern : Me too!

  Halley Reed : "Because I could not stop for Death - "

  Clifford Stern : "He kindly stopped for me - " The word "kindly" - right?

  Lester : "The Carriage held but just Ourselves - And Immortality. We slowly drove - He knew no haste, And I had put away, My labor and my leisure too, For His Civility - "

• Clifford Stern : I got 600,000 feet of film on this guy. And he's telling how great life is and everything and now, you know. What am I gonna do? I'll cut it up and make it into guitar picks.

• Clifford Stern : Jesus, I'm so self-conscious You know, every single thing on me is rented. A rented tux. Rented shoes. Rented underwear.