Life Is Sweet (1990)
[Natalie and Nicola ponder having children]
Natalie: Well, I wouldn't fancy bringing one up on me own.
Nicola: It's better to be on your own than be with a bastard.
Natalie: Well, presumably you wouldn't *choose* a bastard in the first place if you had any sense!
Nicola: All men are bastards!
Nicola: They're all potential rapists!
Natalie: That's a bit sweeping!
Nicola: All men have got the ability to rape.
Natalie: Well they don't all do it, do they!
Nicola: But they've got the ability; they've got the desire.
Natalie: That's paranoid rubbish!
Nicola: What d'you know about paranoia?
Natalie: Well, not half as much as you do, I'll give you that.
Patsy: [in a pub after a few beers] Far as I'm concerned, football died, the day Arsenal won the double.
Andy: That's right, yeah.
Patsy: What was they? Work horses.
Andy: Boring buggers, ain't they.
Patsy: Well the Spurs double team? They was artists.
Andy: They was artists.
Patsy: 21 quid a week they got. Can you imagine? What do they get today? Millions.
Andy: And they got their back handers on top of that ain't they.
Patsy: Poncing round the penalty area with their handbags.
Andy: Prima donnas.
Patsy: "Oh, he kicked a me, Ref."
Andy: Brown, Baker, Henry,
Patsy: Yeah, Danny boy.
Patsy: He was the architect of the modern game, y'know.
Andy: That's right, yeah.
Patsy: Norman, Mackay, Jones, White, Smith, Allen,
Andy: Yeah, come on you Spurs.
Patsy: John White, what a player, eh.
Patsy: I used to have a little picture of him on my wall, ringed in black.
Patsy: Tragic. What a way to go.
Andy: Struck by lightening.
Patsy: On a golf course.
Andy: What a waste, eh. You want another?
Wendy: [to Nicola] We don't hate you! We bloody love you, you stupid girl!
Nicola: I'm not going to waste my life.
Andy: No? What're you doing now then? Contributing a great deal aren't you sitting around on your arse all day.
Nicola: Yeah, well I'm thinking about it.
Andy: Oh yeah thinking about it that's the easy bit isn't it? Anyone can do that. It's doing it that's difficult.
Wendy: Stretch right up like you're stretching for sweets on the top shelf.
Wendy: If you smoked less and you ate more you wouldn't be sitting there looking like a skeleton.
Nicola: It's better than looking like a beached whale.
Wendy: Oh, thank you. Anyway your Dad likes something to grab hold of over the night.
Nicola: What? Blubber?
Wendy: No. Me little love handles. We got a set each ain't we, Andy?
Nicola: Oh, you're disgusting!
Natalie: See, you want to be with us. So why don't you just act normal?
Wendy: You can't rush him.
Natalie: Yeah, he's happy going at that speed, isn't he?
Wendy: Yeah, dead slow and stop.
Patsy: Sorry to bother you on a Sunday like but, eh, I was wondering if Andy was in?
Patsy: Only I was hoping to catch him down in the boozer like but I got a bit held up.
Wendy: Cut me a nice big juicy slice. You know that I like mine nice and juicy.
Wendy: I tell you what though, I wouldn't trust him.
Natalie: I wouldn't trust anyone wearing a suit like that.
Wendy: They cost about 300 quid them suits y'know.
Natalie: What does he do anyway?
Wendy: He don't do anything. He's unemployed.
Wendy: Why didn't you tell me Aubrey was here? You knew I was sitting out the back.
Nicola: No, I never.
Wendy: Yes, you did.
Nicola: Are you calling me a liar?
Wendy: Yes I am calling you a liar.
Nicola: I thought you had gone for a walk.
Wendy: Don't be so stupid. I've never been for a walk in me life. Have I?
Aubrey, Regret Rien Owner: It's alright by me if they don't want to eat. They can bask in the atmosphere.
Wendy: Oh, blimey, you're not going to make much profit that way Aubrey.
Aubrey, Regret Rien Owner: [singing] No, No regrets, No, No regret rien
Wendy: [talking] Oh, yeah, that's what I remember, yeah.
Nicola: She sang it in French!
Aubrey, Regret Rien Owner: Yeah, she was from France.
Nicola: She was thin.
Aubrey, Regret Rien Owner: She was thin, she was French.
Wendy: She's dead though, isn't she?
Aubrey, Regret Rien Owner: Yeah, she was a prostitute.
Natalie: Shut up.
Aubrey, Regret Rien Owner: The sparrow.
Wendy: Yeah, the little sparrow, that's right, yeah.
Patsy: I promise you Andy, you go down White Hart Lane on a Saturday for the home games, a man of your skills, a couple of hundred beef burgers, you'll make a fortune. I'm telling you. "Excuse me guvnor, I'll have 4 hamburgers, 3 egg burgers, a sausage roll and onion, a bacon egg and cheese roll, a tea, a bovril, and a large vodka." Sold to the man with the beard!
Aubrey, Regret Rien Owner: It's alright Andy, Wendy. Everything's hunky dory. Cool. I'm in complete control. If ever I see her again I'll stick a knife in her guts. I'll slice her face off, y'know.
Aubrey, Regret Rien Owner: To be totally honest, Andy, I think Wendy will be a natural, y'know. She's got such grace and charm.
Wendy: Thank you, Aubrey.
Andy: Excuse me are we talking about the same girl?
Wendy: [laughs] Don't be rotten.
Andy: Where's she going?
Aubrey, Regret Rien Owner: Flipping Prague!
Wendy: Awww, that's not right.
Andy: No, that's not on, mate.
Wendy: No, sorry.
Aubrey, Regret Rien Owner: It's great, isn't it? You give someone a break, a chance to better themselves, an opportunity to enter into a brave new venture, and what do they do? Piss off to Poland!
Wendy: Well, that's typical Aussie isn't it? Travelers.
Wendy: It's Czechoslovakia isn't it, Prague?
Andy: Yeah, is it?
Wendy: Now, listen, you're in trouble, right? And I'm helping you out. 'Cause that's what friends are for. That's right, isn't it Andy?
Aubrey, Regret Rien Owner: It's it's amazing!
Andy: But you haven't even done bar work Wendy, let's be honest.
Wendy: No, but I'm confident. I can have a go.
Andy: Let's face it, have you ever been a waitress?
Wendy: But, I've been waiting on you all these years haven't I? So?
Aubrey, Regret Rien Owner: I achieved this effect by, eh, gently, easing, teasing and squeezing.
Wendy: Oh don't be so dirty!
Andy: This has inspired me. I want to get back get down to work, get stuck in.
Wendy: Pigs might fly.
Natalie: Staying in?
Wendy: Yeah, he's got to save up now. Pay for this heap of what's it.
Natalie: So long as he's happy.
Nicola: You'll find out when you get to America.
Natalie: I'm only going on a holiday.
Natalie: What? You think I'm going to get yanked off the plane at John F. Kennedy airport and be raped and pillaged do ya?
Nicola: You've got to be on your guard.
Natalie: Did you hear what I just said?
Natalie: Yanked. Get it?
Natalie: Yanked! America!
Aubrey, Regret Rien Owner: I want this restaurant to be built on a one-to-one, mouth-to-mouth reputation, y'know.
Natalie: She kept calling me a good lad.
Wendy: Oh, she never?
Wendy: Well you should of said to her, " Listen, I'm a Miss."
Natalie: Nah, no point
Andy: Tell you, you want to watch out for Aubrey in that kitchen. He'll come up behind you with a cucumber.
Wendy: [laughs] Listen, I don't think it'll be a cucumber he'll be coming up behind me with.
Aubrey, Regret Rien Owner: These stocks are reducing nicely. Secret of a great sauce is a well reduced stock. No stock, no sauce. Keys to the door. You're working with a genius. Do you know that? I'm not just a wanker, y'know. I could teach you things you've never even dreamed of. I'm a magician.
Nicola's Lover: I want a drink.
Aubrey, Regret Rien Owner: Well, there's plenty of orange juice in there, help yourself.
Nicola's Lover: I want some wine.
Aubrey, Regret Rien Owner: I can't have you getting drunk. Kitchen's a very dangerous place.
Wendy: Get in that toilet and do a wee. Blimey, look. This is the seat. I don't want me carpet all soaking wet. And close the door! You've got two daughters! What's a matter with ya?
Andy: That's what's a matter with me. I've got two daughters
Nicola's Lover: I want to see you nice.
Nicola: Well what's nice? it's only a boring cliche.
Nicola's Lover: No, nice. Nice. Show me a bit of civility, a bit of respect.
Nicola: You don't show me no respect!
Nicola's Lover: I'm trying to respect you now. Trying to treat you like a real person Instead of some fucking - shag bag.
Aubrey, Regret Rien Owner: [drunkenly] Come on you bastards! I'm open! I'm ready! I'm waiting for you! This is what you've all been waiting for! Come and get it! Fish wives. Footballers. You English dickhead! You can stick to your fish and chips! Go on, go and get cancer! Thousand pounds. Ten thousand pounds! Go on mate, cook him! You working class morons! Go and eat your own shit! Go on! Go on!
Nicola: I know you want it.
Nicola's Lover: Do I?
Nicola's Lover: How do you know?
Wendy: That is enough. No more. Right? 'Cause you're being a naughty boy.
Wendy: Listen, we got to turn over a new leaf yeah? Both of us. All of us. Come on, have a little cup of tea.
Wendy: If you put your money where your mouth is you should be joining one of these socialist what's it groups or the nuclear disarmament whatever. But you don't! All you do is sit here in this room staring at the walls and tweeking and twitching.
Nicola: Stop being antagonistic.
Nicola's Lover: I'm not being antagonistic. I'm trying to have an intelligent conversation with you. Are you capable of that? Eh? I don't think you are, are you? Really. Bit vacant, aint ya? Bit of an air-head. Nothing going on. Bit dumb. Bit dizzy. Dimbo, bimbo. Dumb blondster, ain't ya? Eh, hello. Anyone at home? Hello? Hello? You're a fake.
Nicola: I am intelligent.
Wendy: You know what he's like. He wants a bit of tea and sympathy.