User Reviews

Andy just wanted to make movies about radio-controlled vehicles. But he had to pad them to feature length for cinema release, so he added some action sequences and a sort of plot.

Due to financial restrictions, he could only afford part of the wardrobe budget for the cast, so he was forced to film everyone (everyone who who wasn't fat and ugly, that is) in only the bottom half of their clothes for a lot of the time.

But if you want to see great footage of radio-controlled speedboats, aeroplanes, helicopters and motorbikes in action, you'll have to sit through scenes of things exploding and lots of topless women.

Sorry, but that's the cold hard reality of the visionary auteur. Tough it out.

I'm shocked Morita was in anything to do with Andy Sidaris. He must have been homeless or something. All Sidaris movies are the exact same tripe. Bad directing, bad writing, bad acting. Apparently, in the Sidaris world, America's most accomplished and lethal special ops are nymphomaniacs who must actually have sex with terrorists before they defeat them. Doesn't matter what crimes these monsters have committed, the bad guys get laid more than John Holmes. Thank God Sidaris world ain't reality.

Reading the description of this movie gives me the impression that Mr. Miyagi's going to play a bad guy in this. It's rated-R so let's find out if he uses any foul language. I wanna hear Mr. Miyagi swear.

Erik Estrada? The same Erik Estrada from Chips and Cool cat saves the Kids?

These Malibu Bay films look like they were made for the Playboy channel. It's like they're designed only for people who live north of Hollywood.

So Miyagi's using his Karate Kid accent again. (I wonder how many people are aware he speaks perfectly fluent American.) I only watched a documentary on him recently and learnt that he was a closet alcoholic. I wasn't aware of this and I look at him in a different perspective now. You only ever knew him as the kind Mr. Miyagi or the lighthearted chef from Happy Days. I guess you don't truly know someone in life?

I got this movie in a 12-pack of DVD's called Girls, Guns and G-strings. I only bought it for the chick on the cover.

So 5-minutes into watching this and already I'm regretting not watching Night of a 1000 Cats instead.

The plot of this movie has been laid in a minute, at the start, and it's as weak as the New York Jets defence. How do I explain this? Basically Judith Light and Betty Boo don't have visas on Mr. Miyagi's island so they're apprehended and tagged and send out to pasture, or safari, and there you have it - basically they are Running Man.

Betty Boo blows a helicopter out of the sky with a walking cane. Figure that one out.

Mr. Miyagi continues his sage teachings on a naked woman. Did he really just say "bonzai touch" then?

Holy hot dogs, things just heated up at the 21-minute mark - sheesh. I'd buy that for a dollar. That warrants 1 point, or 2. I'm rewinding that scene. It's times like this I wish I were a woman. (It can't save the movie though.) Oh man, and I thought that Dolph Lundgren "Blackjack" movie I watched last night was the pits, now I gotta watch a bunch of old men, with no sex lives, flying their model airplanes at an air show.

The guy from Chips almost had an accident in his trousers then from perving on the 2 running men in the back of the spaceship. Think he's gonna have a coronary.

What have we got here at the 34:14-minute mark - Dolly Parton's offspring or Toy Stories Jesse gone French? Nah, it's "I think we're alone now," Tiffany. (Guess those mall tours don't pay as good as risque nightclubs?) Look at this clown at the 35-minute mark! Brand me with a permanent "Mr. Potato Head" watermark! I am a 100-proof moron for watching this.

Most of the people in this movie have great bodies but there's little in the way of substance and storyline.

I got no clue what that cooking segment was all about just then, y'all.

Check out the air bags on Barbie at the 43-minute mark. Times like this I wanna be a crash test dummy. Did you know that your pineal gland is the size of your pinky fingernail?

I'm only up to chapter 7 of 13 and I don't know if I can make it to the end.

Most of these actors mustn't have made the cut in the porn industry?

Nope, this is offensively embarrassing!

I wonder why dung beetles do push balls of manure uphill? Is there any logical reason for that?

What if I watch this in fast forward?

This is absolutely pointless!

Good Lord, what did I just watch?

I confess to getting this on DVD due to my favorite model Pandora Peaks having been cast in a small role. It wasn't til I started watching it that I saw both Erik Estrada and Pat Morita in it and was surprised to see them both. This is a true roller-coaster of a ride, really all over the place, from the desert to Hawaii to the woods of Louisianna, it really covers a lot of geography from a small production for the video market. Casting buffed guys and sexy gals as secret agents, more or less acting without any support against villains right out of The A-Team or some other 80's show, this had tons of female flesh, explosions, and even helicopters chasing cars. Also, the funniest part is that every agent had time to make love to their counterpart and there were a lot of clothing changes for the women. Likewise, Pat Morita as the villain was hilarious, and his assassins some of the lamest assassins ever filmed.

But it works for me.

(Spoilers Ahead.)

This movie is so bad it is good. This movie is one of the worst movies of all time, on a par with Plan 9, but Ed Wood didn't have the money these clowns have. And frankly, Ed's story is almost better. This one is so ridiculous...

Ok, how about this for starters? For no reason you can figure out, you're on Hawaii and you're at an outdoor party for a children's charity. Someone out of nowhere approaches two girls sitting at this party to tell them there is someone waiting for them outside. It is Pat Morita. He has his back to them. He tells them he knows they are high-level operatives for the US govt and that they are responsible for ruining his business, and now he intends to kill them, but he's going to make a game out of it, and the game will start tomorrow.

With no further ado the two girls run off, pack their bags, get into some kind of trendy vehicle, and make it for the airport. They're not running from Pat Morita; they have never said if they know who he is; they're playing his game without question.

The romp continues, through, among other places, a sandy airfield where so-called 'QSA' model airplanes are flown for an audience. Note that this demonstration has absolutely nothing to do with the story or the characters in it - it's just there, and then suddenly it's gone.

Every so often you cut to a new scene with a couple of po' white trash out of nowhere who are sitting around wherever they may be doing whatever they might be doing, and somewhere they have a small black plastic box with a short antenna and two coloured lights on top, one red and one green. And then the green one will start blinking and one of the characters will say 'they're almost here!' and that's it. How are these two girls being tracked? Does anyone know? Does anyone care? The girls fly from Hawaii to the continental US, through Las Vegas, and then for no good reason end up the final 45 minutes of the movie around Shreveport Louisiana.

It's brilliant. It's so bad it's good. This movie should be used in university film classes as a cookbook of how not to make a movie. And it is probably being used for those purposes already. Every scene where Estrada blows somebody up has to end with fifteen seconds on his white toothy grin - it's too much. And there is a classic scene where Estrada kills a bad guy with baseballs. But perhaps one of the worst is when Estrada is having sex with the odd girl out in a swimming pool somewhere. Suddenly she starts ripping her hair back and fro, and of course there is a strong back light on her, and this creates a spectacular visual effect, but what does this have to do with the story or the characters? It's so bad you will laugh. And then after that, Estrada grabs the girl up in his arms, and the girl twists so her feet are away from the camera so she can make more fabulous visual effects by kicking her feet into the surface of the water. You get the picture. Get the movie.

I won't tell you how the good guys finally discover how the bad guys have been tracking them across the planet for the past hour and a half, but it has something to do with a 'laser microchip.' And not once in those ninety minutes did anyone wonder how they were being tracked. This movie has the worst screenplay ever written. It is one of the worst, perhaps the worst, movie ever made.

There are those who say this is 'soft porn' or basically 'T&A', but don't believe them. There's as much real sex in this movie as there is in Donald Duck. Rent the movie, see it, because you know you are going to be in for a treat - a movie so bad it is good.

Just like every Andy Sidaris movie, this one has a new bad guy, but we certainly know the actor playing him. It's Pat Morita, Mr. Miyagi himself, playing Masakana "Kane" Kaneshiro. He starts the movie by capturing our heroines, Donna Hamilton (the ever dependable and buoyant Dona Spears) and Nicole Justin (Roberta Vasquez). Instead of just killing them off, he announces that he is sending the world's greatest killers after them. While that's all happening and they're good and distracted, he'll get busy on messing with the stock market.

Six different teams of assassins come after our girls, none with much success. Maybe if evil Miyagi had a computer from the 1990's instead of the mid 1980's he could find a better team of killers. That said, if you ever were seeking out a Pat Morita sex scene, I have good news for you. This is where to get all of that sweet, sweet wax on, wax off loving.

Remember the last movie where Erik Estrada was a bad guy? Well, he's back on the side of the girls here as Richard "Rico" Estevez. This is perhaps the only film I can think of where Ponch kills a hitman with an explosive baseball. And yes, of course he and Donna do the frickle frackle. Get up in them guts. Do a bit of the rip 'n dip. You know what I'm saying: they take grandma to Applebee's.

This movie also marks Ava Cadell's first appearance - as a hit woman - in the Sidaris universe. She'll keep showing up as a combination DJ/sexologist/communications operative for KSXY Radio in the other films. But here, she's an evil assassin who threatens to blow off the breasts of our heroines.

I love that in his autobiography, Bullets Bombs and Babes, he referred to "cleaning up their dossiers" for his characters. By that, he meant that if people loved them as bad guys, they'd eventually love them as members of the team. Or maybe they were too busy masturbating to care.

Pandora Peaks, billed as Stephanie Schick, shows up. She starred in Russ Meyers' last movie, Pandora Peaks, a film with no dialogue, just the actress dressing, undressing and walking for 72 minutes. There's also a heroic cat named, well, Cat. His real name was Trigger.

By this film, I've come to realize that Andy Sidaris may be trying to titillate us, but the truth is that the only lovemaking in his films are initiated by the strong powerful women within. The good men can't shoot straight and the evil ones can never outdo them. Sure, they have breasts the size of your head, but that doesn't make them ineffectual or idiots. It's pretty insane when you consider how subversive these notions are. Who knew the ost powerful women in films came from movies made for HBO at 2 AM?

Then again, maybe after watching eight Andy Sidaris movies in a row, I've gone completely insane.

Shrewd arch criminal Kane (expertly played with venomous aplomb by Pat Morita) sends out an army of assassins to take out federal agents Donna Hamilton (buxom blonde knockout Dona Speir) and Nicole Justin (luscious brunette dish Roberta Vasquez). Writer/director Andy Sidaris is totally on top of this outrageously trashy and tongue in cheek game here: The copious tasty female nudity, wall to wall crazy action, funny sense of self-parodying humor (sample campy line: "I'm gonna blow their t**s off"), sizzling soft-core sex scenes, and big splashy explosions all add up to produce one hell of a grand tacky time. Speir and Vasquez display an utterly charming and relaxed natural chemistry as our fetching and appealing protagonists (it's a real hoot to see these two gals disguised in cheesy brunette wigs!); they receive sturdy support from Erik Estrada as the dashing Richard Estevez, Bruce Penhall as the hunky Bruce Christian, Cynthia Brimhall as sultry singer Edy Stark (yes, Cynthia does indeed heartily belt out a lively country number), Michael J. Shane as amiable bumbler Shane Abilene, the incredibly busty Pandora Peaks as eager new operative Atlanta Lee, Carol Liu as Kane's slinky assistant Silk, and William Bumiller as smooth casino owner Lucas. The polished cinematography by Mark Morris gives this picture a neat sunny look. Richard Lynons' funky bumping score hits the rousing spot. One of the crowning achievements in this series.