Batman Returns (1992)

Michelle Pfeiffer: Catwoman, Selina

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Quotes 

• [crouched atop a dazed Batman] 

  Catwoman : You're catnip to a girl like me. Handsome, dazed, and to die for.

  Batman : Mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it.

  Catwoman : But a kiss can be even deadlier if you mean it. You're the second man who killed me this week, but I've got seven lives left.

  Batman : I tried to save you.

  Catwoman : Seems like every woman you try to save ends up dead... or deeply resentful. Maybe you should retire.

• Selina Kyle : Honey, I'm home. Oh, I forgot. I'm not married.

• Selina Kyle : A kiss under the mistletoe. You know, mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it.

  Bruce Wayne : But a kiss can be even deadlier... if you mean it.

  [silence as they realize each other's identities] 

  Selina Kyle : Oh, my God. Does this mean we have to start fighting?

  Bruce Wayne : Let's go outside.

• Catwoman : Somebody say fish? I haven't be fed all day!

  Batman : Eat floor.

  [throws Catwoman down] 

  Batman : High fiber.

• Catwoman : You poor guys. Always confusing your pistols with your privates.

• [Catwoman is hit] 

  Catwoman : How could you? I'm a woman.

  Batman : I'm sorry, I-I...

  [she hits him] 

  Catwoman : As I was saying, I'm a woman and can't be taken for granted. Life's a bitch, now so am I.

• Batman : What do you want?

  The Penguin : Ah, the direct approach. I admire that in a man with a mask.

  [laughs, then turns serious] 

  The Penguin : You don't really think you'll win, do you?

  Batman : Things change.

  [Catwoman backflips into the middle of the confrontation. They stare at her, momentarily nonplussed] 

  Catwoman : Meow.

  [a store explodes, she slips off] 

  The Penguin : I saw her first... gotta fly!

• [Shreck shoots Batman] 

  Selina Kyle : You killed me... The Penguin killed me... Batman killed me... that's... three lives down. You got enough in there to finish me off?

  Maximillian 'Max' Shreck : One way to find out.

  [Shreck fires two shots at Catwoman] 

  Selina Kyle : Four... Five...

  [cracks her whip] 

  Selina Kyle : Still alive!

  [Shreck fires two more] 

  Selina Kyle : Six... Seven... All good girls go to heaven...

  [now within reach of Shreck; he pulls the trigger, but there are no bullets left; she laughs hysterically] 

  Selina Kyle : Two lives left. I think I'll save one for next Christmas. But in the meantime, how about a kiss, Santy Claus?

  [grabs ahold of a power cable and moves towards Shreck with a stun gun and a kiss] 

• Maximillian 'Max' Shreck : Selina! Selina Kyle, you're fired! And Bruce Wayne, why are you dressed up like Batman?

  Catwoman : Because he *is* Batman, you moron!

  Maximillian 'Max' Shreck : Was.

  [shoots Batman] 

• Security #2 : Don't hurt us, lady. Our take-home's less than three-hundred.

  Catwoman : You're overpaid. Hit the road.

• Selina Kyle : [Selina walks Bruce to the elevator]  You don't seem like the type who does business with Mr. Shreck.

  Bruce Wayne : No, you don't seem like the type that takes orders from him.

  Selina Kyle : Well, that's a... long story.

  Bruce Wayne : You know, I could... free up some time.

  [Bruce walks in elevator] 

  Selina Kyle : I'm listed.

  Bruce Wayne : I'm tempted.

  Selina Kyle : I'm working.

  Bruce Wayne : [Elevator doors close]  I'm leaving!

• Bruce Wayne : Here's what I want you to do... tell Selina - tell Miss Kyle in there - tell her, uh, tell her I had to go out of town, a big business deal came up or some... no, you know what? Tell her, you know, not in some dumb, "be my girlfriend" kind of way...

  Alfred : I will relay the message.

  Bruce Wayne : Great.

  [runs out] 

  Alfred : Miss Kyle...

  Selina Kyle : Alfred, hi!

  Alfred : Mr. Wayne told me to tell you...

  Selina Kyle : Mr. Wayne? Oh, Bruce. Yes. Um, would you tell him for me that, uh, I've been going through a lot of changes, and... no. Um, just that this is not a rejection, my abruptly leaving. In fact, he makes me feel the way I hope I really am... no! Could you just make up a sonnet or something? A dirty limerick?

  Alfred : One has just sprung to mind.

  Selina Kyle : Thanks!

  [runs out] 

• Catwoman : I am Catwoman. Hear me roar.

• Selina Kyle : It's gonna be a hot time on the cold town tonight.

  Bruce Wayne : You-you've got kind of a - kind of a dark side, don't you?

  Selina Kyle : No darker than yours, Bruce.

• Catwoman : We need to talk. You see, you and I have something in common.

  The Penguin : Sounds familiar. Appetite for destruction? Contempt for the czars of fashion? Wait, don't tell me...

  [begins to crawl onto the bed she's sitting on] 

  The Penguin : naked sexual charisma.

  Catwoman : Batman. The thorn in both our sides. The fly in our ointment.

  The Penguin : Ointment!

  [jumps up and picks up two bottles] 

  The Penguin : Scented or unscented?

  Catwoman : I'll come back later.

• Selina Kyle : It's the so-called "normal" guys who always let you down. Sickos never scare me. Least they're committed.

• Catwoman : I don't know about you, Miss Kitty, but I feel so much yummier.

• Selina Kyle : Wow, *the* Batman - or is it just "Batman"? Uh, your choice, of course!

  [Batman walks away] 

  Selina Kyle : Well, that was very brief. Just like all the men in my life.

• Catwoman : Please. I wouldn't touch you to scratch you.

• Catwoman : Meow.

• Selina Kyle : Okay, go ahead. Intimidate me, bully me if it makes you feel big. I mean it's not like you can just kill me.

  Maximillian 'Max' Shreck : Actually, it's a lot like that.

• Catwoman : Bruce... I would - I would love to live with you in your castle... forever, just like in a fairy tale.

  [Batman caresses the back of her head] 

  Catwoman : [she claws Batman on the cheek]  I just couldn't live with myself, so don't pretend this is a happy ending!

• Catwoman : [falling into an open gravel filled truck]  Saved by kitty litter.

• Selina Kyle : How can you be so mean to someone so meaningless?

• Catwoman : It's chilly in here.

  The Penguin : I'll warm you.

• Maximillian 'Max' Shreck : I don't know what you want, but I know I can get it for you, with a minimum of fuss! Money, jewels, a *very* big ball of string.

  Catwoman : Your blood, Max.

  Maximillian 'Max' Shreck : My blood, I gave, at the office.

  Catwoman : A half pint, I'm talking gallons.

  Maximillian 'Max' Shreck : Let's make a deal, other than my blood. What can I do for you?

  Catwoman : Sorry, Max, a die for a die!

• Catwoman : Not even in office yet and already an enemies list, hmm?

  The Penguin : Those names are not for prying eyes. Hey, why should I trust some cat-broad, anyway? Maybe you're just a screwed-up sorority chick who's gettin' back at her daddy for not buying her that pony when she turned sweet sixteen.

• Bruce Wayne : [notices Selina's injuries]  What happened?

  Maximillian 'Max' Shreck : Did you injure yourself on that ski slope? Is that why you cut short your vacation and came back?

  Selina Kyle : You know, it's... a blur. I-I mean, not complete amnesia. I-I-I - I remember Sister Mary Margaret puking in church and Betsy Riley saying it was morning sickness and I remember the time I forgot to wear my underpants to school and the name of the boy who noticed was Ricky Friedberg.

  [smile vanishes] 

  Selina Kyle : He's dead now. But last night: complete blur. Couldn't you just die?

• Selina Kyle : Well, the party never stops on Selina Kyle's answering machine...

  [sits on the couch and removes her shoes] 

• Catwoman : You said you were going to scare the Ice Princess.

  The Penguin : She looked pretty scared to me!

• The Penguin : Check it out. We're gonna disassemble his Batmobile and turn it into an H-bomb on wheels.

  Catwoman : No, no, he'd have even more power as a martyr. To destroy Batman, we must first turn him into what he hates the most. Namely us.

• [plotting against Batman] 

  Catwoman : Batman napalmed my arm, he knocked me off a building just when I was starting to feel good about myself. I wanna play an integral part in his degradation.

  The Penguin : A plan is forming.

  Catwoman : I want in. The thought of busting Batman makes me feel all... dirty. Maybe I'll just give myself a bath right here.

  [licks herself in a cat-like manner] 

• Bruce Wayne : Let me ask you something, Why'd you come tonight?

  Selina Kyle : You first.

  Bruce Wayne : To see you.

  Selina Kyle : That's lovely, and I really wish I could say the same. But, I came for Max.

  Bruce Wayne : What do you mean, you and... not you and Max?

  Selina Kyle : [laughs maniacally]  No. not me and Max...

  [reaches down and pull a pistol out of her garter] 

  Selina Kyle : *this* and Max!

  Bruce Wayne : [Frantically tries to cover the pistol] 

  Selina Kyle : Now *don't* give me a "Killing Max won't solve anything" speech, because it will. Aren't you tired of this sanctimonious robber baron always coming out on top, when he should be six feet under?

  Bruce Wayne : Look, you may have problems with your boss, but who do you think you are?

  Selina Kyle : [sighs, laughs]  I don't know anymore, Bruce.

  [laughs again. They kiss] 

• Maximillian 'Max' Shreck : [Pulled out of the water by Catwoman]  I don't know what you want, but I know I can get it for you, with a minimal fuss.

  [She lashes her whip at him] 

  Maximillian 'Max' Shreck : Money. Jewels. A very big ball of string.

  [He tries to run away, but she captures him with her whip and pulls him back to her] 

  Catwoman : Your blood, Max.

  Maximillian 'Max' Shreck : My blood, I gave at the office.

  Catwoman : A half-pint. I'm talking gallons.

  [Batman comes in] 

  Maximillian 'Max' Shreck : Let's make a deal. Now that I've got my blood, what I can do for you?

  Catwoman : Sorry, Max. A die for a die.

  [More exploding rockets and Batman comes flying into the scene] 

  Maximillian 'Max' Shreck : [to Batman]  You're not just saving a life, you're saving...

  Batman : [pushes him away]  Shut up. You're going to jail.

  Catwoman : Don't be naive! The law doesn't apply to people like him or us!

  Batman : Wrong on both counts. Why are you doing this? Let's just take him to the police... then, we can go home... together. Selina... don't you see? We're the same. We're the same... Split right down the center.

  [He pulls off his mask, revealing his identity as Bruce Wayne] 

  Batman : Selina, please.

  Catwoman : Bruce, I would, I would to live with you in your castle... forever, just like in a fairy tale.

  [He tries to touch her shoulder, she retaliates and scratches his face] 

  Catwoman : I just couldn't live with myself! So, don't pretend this is a happy ending!

  Maximillian 'Max' Shreck : Selina. Selina Kyle!

  [She takes of her mask, revealing her identity as Selina Kyle] 

  Maximillian 'Max' Shreck : You're fired! And Bruce Wayne, why are you dressed up like Batman?

  Catwoman : Because he is Batman, you moron!

  Maximillian 'Max' Shreck : Was.

  [He shoots Bruce in the shoulder; Selina, ready to go after Max] 

  Maximillian 'Max' Shreck : Don't!

  Catwoman , Selina Kyle : You killed me, the Penguin killed me, Batman killed me. That's... three lives down! You got enough in there to finish me off?

  Maximillian 'Max' Shreck : One way to find out.

  [Shoots her twice] 

  Catwoman , Selina Kyle : Four, Five. Still alive!

  [Max shoots her two more times and she groans in pain] 

  Catwoman , Selina Kyle : Six, Seven. All good girls go to Heaven.

  [Max points the gun to her stomach and pulls the trigger, only to find the gun is now empty. She laughs, weak] 

  Catwoman , Selina Kyle : Two lives left. I think I'll save one for next Christmas. But in the meantime...

  [Pulls out a tazer] 

  Catwoman , Selina Kyle : How 'bout a kiss, Anti-Claus?

  [Uses the tazer and an electrical wire to kill him, as the whole place's electrical wiring explodes. Suddenly, The Penguin coming up out of the water, weak and fatally injured; walks over to his umbrellas. Batman clears away the debris to find Max's fried corpse and Selina is nowhere to be found. Batman turns to the Penguin, reaches for an umbrella and takes it out] 

  The Penguin : Ugh! Shit!

  [drops it, gagging] 

  The Penguin : I picked the cute one!

  [gagging] 

  The Penguin : The heat's getting to me! Ugh! I'll murder you momentarily... But first, I need a cold drink of iced water!

  [Gags, then fell and drops dead] 

• Maximillian 'Max' Shreck : Selina. This is Bruce... Wayne.

  Bruce Wayne : Yeah, we've met.

  Selina Kyle : Have we?

  Bruce Wayne : Oh, I'm sorry. You know what, I mistook me for someone else. Sorry.

  Selina Kyle : You mean mistook me.

  Bruce Wayne : I mistook me, yeah, yeah isn't that what I said?

  Selina Kyle : No I don't think so.

• [Bruce and Selina meet at Max's masked ball. Out of the entire crowd, neither are wearing costumes or masks] 

  Bruce Wayne : [Awkwardly]  Hi

  Selina Kyle : Hi

  Bruce Wayne : Listen, I'm sorry about yesterday but I had... a pretty big deal... come... through... fall through, actually.

  Selina Kyle : It's okay, I had to go home and... uh... feed my cats.

  [They dance] 

  Bruce Wayne : So, uh... no hard feelings then...

  Selina Kyle : Actually... semi-hard, I'd say.

  [pulls him close, whispering] 

  Selina Kyle : There's a big comfy California King over in bedding

  [seductively] 

  Selina Kyle : whadd'ya say?

  Bruce Wayne : We take off our costumes?

  Selina Kyle : I guess I'm tired of wearing masks.

  Bruce Wayne : Me too.

• Catwoman : I just love a big strong man, who is not afraid to show it with someone half his size. Be gentle - it's my first time.

• Catwoman : You make it so easy, don't you? Always waiting for some Batman to save you. I am Catwoman. Hear me roar.

• Catwoman : Tic-tac-toe.