Cracker (1993–1996)

Robbie Coltrane: Dr. Edward 'Fitz' Fitzgerald

Photos 

Quotes 

• Teacher : Please don't smoke sir, this is a school.

  Fitz : That's where I started.

• Fitz : So - you don't drink, you don't smoke, and you don't gamble. What do you do then? C'mon Michael, there must be something for you to confess! A little wank on the sofa during Baywatch isn't a mortal sin!

• [Fitz is arguing with his son in the express line] 

  Old Woman : Er, eight items!

  Fitz : [Turns around]  I've GOT eight items!

  Old Woman : No you haven't!

  Fitz : [sighs with exasperation]  Three bottles of whiskey constitutes one item.

  Old Woman : Three items!

  Fitz : ONE item! Two loaves of bread constitutes one item. Two dozen eggs constitutes one item!

  Old Woman : Two, and two...

  Fitz : Six frozen lasagnas constitutes one item!

  Old Woman : SIX?

  Fitz : Four Cornish pasties constitutes one item!

  Old Woman : [to the cashier]  Could you call the supervisor, please-?

  Fitz : And three steak-and-kidney BASTARD pies also constitutes ONE BLOODY ITEM!

  [the check stand's alarm starts ringing] 

  Fitz : Oh, for God's sake...

• Priest : It must be hard to maintain that level of cynicism, Dr. Fitzgerald.

  Fitz : Not at all, Father. It must be hard to maintain that level of faith.

• Fitz : I drink too much, I smoke too much, I gamble too much. I *am* too much.

• Fitz : Gamblers Anonymous? That's created by wankers, for wankers!

  Judith : Graham is the leader in the local chapter.

  Fitz : I rest my case.

• [after Penhaligon pours a jug of water over him] 

  Fitz : Anglo-Saxon Foreplay. Go up to my bedroom my dear. If I'm not up in half an hour, get along without me.

• [on two Skinheads' urinary habits] 

  Fitz : You're the artistic kind - it goes everywhere. You're the Luke Skywalker type - straight like a lazer beam. I can't help but take a look - people usually find it disgusting ...

  Skinhead : You looking for a broken nose, pal?

  Fitz : Yeah, You know someone who can give me one, pal?

• Penhaligon : To be left at the airport, Fitz, that's one thing. But to be left by a big, fat, egocentric, middle-aged man, well, that's a different thing altogether.

  Fitz : I didn't mind the big.

• [to Beck] 

  Fitz : You're a bit like a doctor, aren't you?

  Beck : Sorry?

  Fitz : You tend to bury your mistakes.

• Fitz : Think of testicles!

  Penhaligon : I do nothing but!

• DS Jimmy Beck : He's throwin' fits, Fitz!

  Fitz : I'm in custody, CUSTODY!

• [to a waiter at a restaurant where Judith and Graham are on a date] 

  Fitz : It's really very sad - see, I'm a psychologist, and she's one of my patients.

  Judith : I'm NOT your patient, Fitz! I'm your wife!

  Fitz : Oh yeah! Hi there - didn't recognize you without your straight jacket!