The Nanny (1993–1999)

Daniel Davis: Niles

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Quotes 

• C.C. : Seriously, Niles, where do you keep all that cash?

  Niles : Someplace you'll never get near.

  C.C. : Oh, your mattress.

  Niles : No.

  [pointing at Mr. Sheffield] 

  Niles : His.

• C.C. : I wouldn't be caught dead in that dress.

  Niles : You'd have to be dead six months to fit in it.

• [Niles is dancing bombastically and singing into his duster. CC enters unexpectedly] 

  Niles : You realize, of course, now I'm going to have to kill you.

• Max : Niles, I don't know what the woman wants anymore! What am I supposed to do?

  Niles : May I speak freely, sir?

  Max : Yes, of course old boy.

  Niles : [with rising irritation as he speaks, making Max back up]  I am so bloody sick of hearing this year after year! 'Niles, what am I to do?', 'I told her I loved her!' 'I took it back!', 'I'm afraid of commitment', 'I'm worried about the children'

  Niles : [Max has fallen onto the office couch. Niles hauls him up by the lapels]  For God's sake, MAKE A MOVE! DO SOMETHING! YOU PASSED ON 'CATS', DO YOU WANT TO REGRET THIS FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE TOO?

  [lets him fall back onto the couch, stunned] 

  C.C. : [storms out and meets C.C. in the hall]  What's going on in there?

  Niles : Oh, I have had it! I am trying to convince him to give up on Miss Fine and move on with his life!

  C.C. : [barges into the office]  I AGREE WITH NILES! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? JUST DO IT, DO IT, DO IT!

  [Niles walks away smugly] 

• C.C. : I feel like I have died and gone to heaven.

  Niles : I have that dream, too, but you go in the other direction.

• C.C. : [to Niles]  Don't you have something to dust?

  Niles : How about the left side of your bed?

• C.C. : I couldn't put a foot out of bed this morning.

  Niles : Did someone put a rock on your coffin again?

• Brighton Sheffield : Niles, this steak is tough.

  Niles : So is life. Then you die.

• Niles : How do you do, Tiz Maylor? I'm Biles, the nutler.

• Grandma Eloise : [to C.C]  Are you single by choice?

  Niles : Yes, but not hers.

• C.C. : I find it very unseemly of Maxwell to start dating again. Isn't the customary period of mourning 10 years?

  Niles : Die. Let's find out.

• [after spraying Maxwell's leather couch] 

  Niles : I couldn't resist the infomercial, sir. "Unwanted dirt just slides right off!"

  [C.C. slips off the chair] 

  Niles : And voila!

• Fran : By the way, Niles, what is your family name?

  Niles : It's just Niles... Like Cher.

• Mr. Sheffield : Can you keep a secret?

  Niles : Well, I'm good until I meet the next person.

• Sylvia : Do I smell banana fritters with fresh fruit compote?

  Niles : No.

  Sylvia : Could I?

• Max : Where the devil is C.C.?

  Niles : Well, Sir, it is raining outside... maybe she melted?

  [pause] 

  Niles : Shall I look outside for a pointy hat and Chanel suit?

• Max : Accidents happen, you know.

  Niles : [points at C.C]  Exhibit A.

• Niles : Oh, what are you doing here, the sun is up.

• C.C. : I find I can catch more flies with honey.

  Niles : I always thought your tongue darted out.

• C.C. : I'll never get to the airport on time.

  Niles : That's true, sir, she needs at least two people on her broom to use the Express Lane.

• Max : [drinking a hangover-remedy]  Urgh, Niles, it's far too early in the morning for something this repulsive.

  Niles : [C.C. enters; Niles walks up to her]  Mr. Sheffield wants you to go home and come back in an hour.

• Max : Niles, we're having company!

  Niles : [to Fran]  Thirty years and he still thinks company excites me.

• C.C. : You are a pathetic excuse for a man.

  Niles : Ditto!

• C.C. : What's Maxwell doing in London?

  Niles : One would hope, Miss Fine.

• Niles : You know, the next time you give your clothes away, why don't you just stay in them?

• Max : Oh Niles, what is it this time? Your job, your weight, no future?

  Niles : Well, Sir, I was just wondering why I have no social life but you cleared that right up for me.

• C.C. : What is this un-natural obsession Maxwell has with his children? I can count the number of days I spent with my father on one hand.

  Niles : Seven?

• C.C. : I'll bet my reputation on it!

  Niles : Sorry, there's a five dollar minimum.

• Max : I'm going to ask Fran to sign a prenuptial agreement.

  Niles : [deadpan]  Why don't you just walk through downtown Iraq dressed like Uncle Sam. It'll be quicker.

• C.C. : Me and Max have rented a cottage right by the lake.

  Niles : How convenient, Sir, should you choose to drown yourself.

• C.C. : Oh, it is so pathetic, Nanny Fine thinking she could win a kissing contest. I mean kissing is an art, it has to be sensuous, deeply felt, and most of all, spontaneous.

  [C.C. kisses Niles] 

  Niles : Was it as bad for you as it was for me?

• C.C. : This isn't a typical night.

  Niles : Yes, you're not home alone sitting on your foot massager watching "Sisters".

• C.C. : Let go of me you old...

  Niles : All right but I just...

  [C.C. walks out of the kitchen and into the dining room - we here a blood curdling scream] 

  Niles : ... waxed the floor.

• Max : [Brighton has asked to go to Atlantic City, and has pitted Max and Fran against each other by saying that Max doesn't respect her opinion]  I am his father!

  Fran : Well, what am I?

  Max : You're the nanny!

  Fran : [gasps]  You called me the "N" word! Did you head that, Niles?

  Niles : Do you get the house in the settlement?

  Fran : Uh-huh!

  Niles : [pops his head out from behind a wall]  Every word!

• C.C. : Why don't you let me carry the tray up to Maxwell? No, I'll do it.

  Niles : Fifty dollars. Why don't you just tell me how old you are then I'll let you do it.

  C.C. : Seventy-five.

  [meaning dollars] 

  Niles : Now was that so hard to admit?

• Max : [Niles has brought a little tree that Fran had and is going to put in onto the terrace of Max's office where C.C. is smoking]  Niles, get that *hideous* thing off the terrace.

  Niles : [turns to C.C]  Mr. Sheffield wants you off the terrace.

• Niles : I once walked in on the Queen-mother.

  Fran : In the shower?

  Niles : On the throne.

• Niles : Good things come to those who wait, unless they wait too long and they slip through their namby-pamby fingers.

• [after Fran's fiancé kisses C.C] 

  Niles : Did Caca do a no-no in the kitchen?

• Niles : Miss Fine and Miss Babcock walking arm in arm. Isn't that one of the biblical signs of the apocalypse?

• C.C. : Maxwell, I'm an important part of this team.

  Niles : That's true sir, that couch would be floating all around if she weren't here to weigh it down.

• C.C. : [Max is hiring a female to promote him]  Maxwell, I want a man!

  Niles : The last one deflated when she nibbled at his ear.

• Fran : [referring to C.C]  So, Niles... did you let "it" out?

  Niles : Yes, and the villagers were not happy.

• Niles : [to C.C]  Why can't you just be happy for me? I'm not used to being called Sir. You're used to it.

• C.C. : Well, if Doug is coming over tonight, I better go change!

  Niles : [after C.C. leaves]  And I thought she had to wait for a full moon...

• Fran : Niles, do I sound like I have a cold?

  Niles : Constantly!

• C.C. : [C.C. is talking on the phone with her friend in Max's office]  I want to clean my carpets in my apartment, but I'm having so much trouble finding a kennel.

  Niles : Oh, treat yourself to a hotel.

• Niles : [about a tupperware item]  You put old bags in it. I'll give it to Mrs. Babcock, she's always wanted an office of her own.

• Fran : What's that?

  Niles : It's a script for Mr. Sheffield.

  Fran : You didn't write another Seinfeld episode did you? Sweetie... it's over.

• Sylvia Fine : [Sylvia takes a picture of Niles cleaning the windows]  Sorry, my girl doesn't do windows. I thought I'd show her it's not such a sin.

  Niles : [as if suggesting they make love]  Follow me into the kitchen... I'll clean behind the refrigerator.

• Fran : I'll fight for all those small, defenseless creatures out there.

  Niles : [points at C.C]  Exhibit B.

• Niles : Finger sandwich?

  Frank Bakley, Jr. : Ewww. What idiot made these?

  Niles : I did, and they're made from real little boys.

• Niles : Here you are, Sylvia. Pancakes, wafles and maple syrup.

  Sylvia Fine : [about the syrup]  Don't you have a light one?

  Niles : Sylvia, the barn door is open and the horses have left the building.

• C.C. : [getting excited -- she's good at that]  ... Niles, I think I'm going to faint. Catch me.

  [He stands a few yards away and idly holds out his hands while she topples to the floor with a tremendous thud. Then he strides up and stands over her, with his thumb and forefinger slightly apart] 

  Niles : ...Missed you by *that much*. Sorry.