Last Action Hero (1993)

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Jack Slater

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Quotes 

• Danny Madigan : You think you are funny, don't you?

  Jack Slater : I know I am. I'm the famous comedian Arnold Braunschweiger.

  Danny Madigan : Schwarzenegger!

  Jack Slater : Gesundheit.

• [after seeing a "Terminator 2" poster with Sylvester Stallone] 

  Danny Madigan : No. It's not possible!

  Jack Slater : What's not possible? The man is an artist. It's his best performance ever!

  Danny Madigan : But... that was you! YOU were in that movie!

  [a girl close-by hears them] 

  Video Babe : [to Jack]  You were in a movie?

  Jack Slater : Yes. It was called "The Girl of My Dreams". It starred you. As a matter of fact, there was this very romantic scene where we had dinner together.

• [Jack Slater is Hamlet] 

  Hamlet : Hey Claudius! You killed my father! Big mistake!

  Narrator : Something is rotten in the state of Denmark, and Hamlet is taking out the trash.

  Old Man : Stay thy hand, fair prince.

  Hamlet : [shooting him]  Who said I'm fair?

  Narrator : No one is going to tell this sweet prince good night.

  Hamlet : To be or not to be? Not to be.

• Danny Madigan : I thought I was going to die.

  Jack Slater : Well I'm sorry to disappoint you but you're gonna live to enjoy all the glorious fruits life has got to offer - acne, shaving, premature ejaculation... and your first divorce.

• [about to shoot Benedict] 

  Jack Slater : No sequel for you.

• Danny Madigan : Where are the ordinary, everyday women? They don't exist because this is a movie!

  Jack Slater : No, this is California.

• Jack Slater : You've seen these movies where they say "Make my day" or "I'm your worst nightmare"? Well, listen to this one: Rubber baby buggie bumpers!

  [turns to Danny] 

  Jack Slater : Ha! You didn't know I'm gonna say that, did you?

• Dekker : And you promised me you wouldn't tell!

  Jack Slater : I didn't.

  Dekker : Well, then how did he know?

  Danny Madigan : "Jack Slater I".

  Dekker : What's winning got to do with this?

  Danny Madigan : No. The very first "Jack Slater".

  Dekker : [to Jack]  You told your dad?

  Jack Slater : I didn't tell anybody! I don't even know this kid!

  Dekker : Well, he sure seems to know a lot about us.

• Tough Asian Man : [answers the door]  May I help you?

  Jack Slater : Yes, could I speak to the drug dealer of the house, please?

  Tough Asian Man : I beg your pardon?

  Jack Slater : It's a beautiful day and we're out killing drug dealers. Are there any in the house?

• Nick : There are lots of things worse than movies: politicians, wars, forest fires, famine, plague, sickness, pain, warts, politicians...

  Jack Slater : You already mentioned them.

  Nick : I know I did. They are twice as bad as anything else.

• Benedict : I understand you are interested in drug dealers.

  Danny Madigan : [whispering]  Jack, that's him, the henchman with the glass eye.

  Jack Slater : Sir, are you a henchman?

  Benedict : No, I only go as far as lackey. Anything else?

  Jack Slater : Yeah, take off your sunglasses.

  Benedict : Who's asking?

  Jack Slater : [flashes Police badge]  The tin man.

  Benedict : Well, tin man, suppose you hit the bricks.

  Jack Slater : No, they're the wrong color.

  Benedict : Are they? Oh dear. Let's change them. Would arterial red suit you?

  [points to guard dogs] 

  Benedict : Make no mistake, they are exceptionally well-trained.

  [snaps fingers, dogs form pyramid] 

  Benedict : I snap my fingers again and some time tomorrow, you emerge from several canine rector. Or you and Toto can return to the land of Oz. Questions?

  Jack Slater : Yeah, two of them. Why am I wasting my time with silly putz like you when I could be doing something more dangerous - like rearranging my sock drawer? Two, how exactly are you going to snap your fingers, after I rip off both of your thumbs?

  [pause, Benedict reveals smiley-face eye] 

  Benedict : Have a nice day!

  [closing the door, he overhears Danny] 

  Danny Madigan : He had one with a bulls-eye when he was with your second cousin. He hates his boss, he calls him a "Sicilian schmuck."

• Jack Slater : I'll be back! Ha! You didn't know I was gonna say that, did you?

  Danny Madigan : That's what you always say!

  Jack Slater : I do?

• Jack Slater : [John Practice has just betrayed Slater]  Danny told me not to trust you. He said you killed Mozart.

  John Practice : Mo- who?

  Jack Slater : -zart.

  John Practice : [thinks for a bit, shrugs]  You know, I kill a lot of people, I can't remember half of them.

• Jack Slater : Kid! Who does the doctor treat?

  Danny Madigan : Patients?

  Jack Slater : Look at the elbow of my jacket. What is it doing?

  Danny Madigan : Wearing thin?

  Jack Slater : Bingo!

• [Dead assassin tumbles out of closet after Slater has fired into it without warning] 

  Danny Madigan : How'd you know there was a guy in there?

  Jack Slater : There's always a guy in there. It costs me a fortune in closet doors.

• Jack Slater : [to cop barring his way]  You wanna be a farmer? Here's a couple of achers!

  [Kicks cop in the groin] 

• Jack Slater : Iced that guy, to cone a phrase.

• Jack Slater : Sir, are you a henchman?

  Benedict : No, I only go as far as lackey.

• Jack Slater : [hearing Mozart on the radio]  ... Shhh can you turn that up? What is that?

  Danny's mom : It's Mozart...

  Jack Slater : [looks at Danny and whispers]  ... The one Practice killed?

  Danny's mom : You like Mozart?

  Jack Slater : [smiles]  ... I don't know, but I think I will... Wow.

• Danny Madigan : Wait a second. Where you going?

  Jack Slater : I'll be back!

  [pause] 

  Jack Slater : Ha! You didn't know I was gonna say that, did you?

  Danny Madigan : That's what you always say?

  Jack Slater : I do?

  [sigh] 

  Danny Madigan : Everyone keeps keeps waiting for you to work it in. It's kind of like your calling card.

• Danny Madigan : The house looked European, like maybe if you get a postcard from Italy or something. Like that one. In fact, just like that one! The bad guys are in there!

  Jack Slater : You know something? I think you should be wearing this.

  Danny Madigan : I don't think I've earned it yet.

  Jack Slater : You don't understand. You just solved the entire case. you just revolutionized the entire history of police training. I mean all these years at the academy, studying human character, psyche of the terrorists, fingerprint analysis, all the courses that I've taken in surveillance, hostage negotiation, and criminal psychology, when all I have to do is drive around the neighborhood, point my finger at a house, and say, "the bad guys are in there!"?

  Danny Madigan : You think you're funny, don't you?

  Jack Slater : I know I am. I'm the famous comedian, Arnold Braunschweiger.

  Jack Slater : Schwarzenegger!

  Jack Slater : Gesundheit.

• [Jack Slater throws Benedict against a wall, and both Benedict and his servant disappears through it] 

  Jack Slater : Usually when I do that it leaves a hole...

• John Practice : How do you get to Carnegie Hall?

  Jack Slater : By practice. John Practice!

• Jack Slater : Let's say this is a movie. How many times have you heard someone say, "stay in the car," and the guy doesn't? What happens?

  Danny Madigan : He saves the day.

  Jack Slater : Or, gets killed!

• The Mayor : Jack, as mayor of this great metropolis, you and I have had our little tiffs, but this is the Lieutenant Governor.

  Lt. Governor : Slater, here's what I...

  Jack Slater : [breaks the Lieutenant Governor's nose]  When the Governor gets here, call me.

• Danny Madigan : [Slater prepares to jump out a window in pursuit of Benedict]  Jack, where are you going?

  Jack Slater : [referring to Benedict and his ever-changing glass eye]  Got to catch the red-eye!

• Jack Slater : I mean, all I had to do, is just drive around the neighborhood, and point my finger at a house, and say 'The bad guys are in there!'

• Danny Madigan : What if staying in the car is what gets me killed?

  Jack Slater : There's a gun in the glove compartment.

• Ripper : Jack, what kept you? Andy here's been getting nervous. I promised him you'd come. Gave him my word of honor he could watch you die. Lose the cannon.

  Jack Slater : Has he hurt you Andrew?

  Ripper : Hurt, Jack? You say hurt? What do you know about hurt, Jack? You put me in a cage for ten years.

  Jack Slater : You should've gotten the death penalty.

  Ripper : Yeah, shoulda, woulda, coulda, yeah, yeah, yeah, right. Things crawling around on your head. Sitting on my chest when I wake up. You know what that's like, Jack? It was your illegal search, that rendered the bloody axe admissible. Remember, Jack? Now lose the gun.

  [Jack puts his gun on the ground] 

  Jack Slater : Alright, I'm unarmed.

  Ripper : Just one gun, Jack? You gotta be kidding.

  [Jack removes nearly a dozen guns] 

  Ripper : That all, sport?

  Jack Slater : Yup, that about does it.

  [pulls out grenade] 

  Jack Slater : Oh, unless you consider this a weapon.

  [throws grenade at Ripper's feet] 

  Ripper : Brilliant, brilliant, Jack. I surrender.

  Jack Slater : It's a live grenade.

  Ripper : Yeah right, Jack, right right right. You're gonna sacrifice your own child to get to me. I'm very flattered, Jack, but I doubt it. Andy, pick up the grenade.

  [Andy slowly picks up the grenade] 

  Ripper : Come on. Show it to me. That's good. Jack, that toy, can't hurt the boy.

  [flashes Axe] 

  Ripper : But this one can.

• Ripper : Hey, Jack. What kept you?

  Jack Slater : Are you alright, Danny?

  Danny Madigan : Yes, sir.

  Ripper : You know, I tried to change, Jack. I really tried to do what he told me to do. You know, but I kept hearing that old music. That's how I knew you'd come, Jack. Now lose the piece.

  [throws gun off the roof] 

  Jack Slater : There, it's now it's between you and me. Now let the boy go.

  Ripper : Now we've played this number before haven't we, Jack? Let's see, what comes next. You t - you throw the gun away. Right... we did that part.

  [mock laughter, puts down axe] 

  Ripper : Then, you tell me to let the kid go. Ah, I'm getting bored, why don't we just skip to the end?

  [throws Danny over the ledge] 

• Jack Slater : [listening to the radio]  Can you turn this up, please? What's that?

  Irene Madigan : Mozart.

  Jack Slater : [to Danny]  The guy who Practice killed?

  Danny Madigan : That's right, Jack.

  Irene Madigan : You like classical music?

  Jack Slater : I don't know. I think I will.

  [smiles] 

  Jack Slater : Wow.

• Jack Slater : [to Dekker]  Put a sock in it. I don't care who does what to your Hersey highway. And stop shouting! I'm not deaf! You know why you're shouting? Because it's in the script. You're the comic relief. Yes. And you know what else? I am the hero. So SHUT UP!

• Danny Madigan : Watch it, Jack. He killed Mozart.

  Jack Slater : In a movie?

  Danny Madigan : Amadeus. It won eight Oscars.

  Jack Slater : I saved his life in 'Nam. I'll make sure to be on the lookout. Thanks. Now, no more movies!

• Danny Madigan : Wait! I can prove this is a movie!

  Dekker : Who the hell are you, kid?

  Danny Madigan : Look out there, there's a cartoon cat.

  Jack Slater : He's supposed to be back on duty. He was only suspended for a month. Now shut up.

  Danny Madigan : Listen to what I'm saying. An animated cat just walked into the squad room. Hello.

  Jack Slater : He'll do it again tomorrow. So what's your point?

  Dekker : That cat is one the best men I got.

  Jack Slater : Yeah.

  Dekker : Now who is this twerp? And why is that smile on his face?

  Danny Madigan : I just love the way you two fight knowing how you really feel about each other.

  Dekker : Pray tell, just tell me how I feel about this weird-looking sack of puppy poo.

• [When danny comes home with Jack at 4 a.m] 

  Danny's mom : Where have you been? The police called. You're not here. You're not there.

  Danny Madigan : Mom, I'm sorry, okay. Shh.

  Danny's mom : " Okay, shh?" There are 9 million kids out there with guns and that's all you have to say to me? "Okay, shh?" Will you get in here?

  Danny Madigan : Mom? You know how you always say you wish I had more friends? Well.

  Jack Slater : Hello Mrs. Madigan. Arnold Braunshweiger.

• Jack Slater : And Whitney! Why can't she be like every other teenager. For prom night she stayed home and field stripped an AK-47.

• Jack Slater : Did you make a movie mistake? You forgot to reload the damn gun.

  Benedict : No, Jack. I just left one chamber empty.

• Danny Madigan : OK, I got one. What about this girl right here. She is way too attractive to be working in a video store.

  Jack Slater : I agree with you. I think she should be working with us... under cover of course...

• [Jack Slater realizes that a nerve gas bomb is hidden in Leo "the Fart"'s body] 

  Jack Slater : Leo "the Fart" is gonna pass gas one more time.

• Jack Slater : Stop shouting! I'm not deaf!

• [the nervgasbomb goes of in the tar-pit] 

  Jack Slater : Silent but deadly!

• Jack Slater : We're that close in catching him.

  Danny Madigan : No, Jack. We're that close to catching pneumonia.

• Skeezy : Umm, sir, the guy with the missing eye, I got his License Plate number.

  Jack Slater : Good for you.

  [thinks for a second] 

  Jack Slater : ...you mean the guy with the glass eye?

  Skeezy : No sir, when I saw him, it was missing.

  Cop at Ex-Wife's House : [finds Benedicts glass eye with a message]  Vengeance... is...

  [lines up the words] 

  Cop at Ex-Wife's House : ...mine?

  Jack Slater : [the glass eye starts beeping]  No don't touch...

  [a dome shaped explosion surrounds the whole house causing all the house, and car alarms to go off] 

• Jack Slater : Look, you're very clever and the only reason I'm not roaring with laughter is cause someone killed my favorite second cousin and that's a bi...

  Danny Madigan : Big mistake.

  [Jack looks surprised] 

  Danny Madigan : That is what you were gonna say, right? Gee, how would I know that?

  Jack Slater : No one likes a smart ass.

  Danny Madigan : Alright, then shoot me. That's right, take out your gun and shoot me. You're not gonna do it, are you? And do you know why? Because people like you don't shoot kids in movies. Because, believe it or not, Jack, you're the good guy!

  Jack Slater : You really believe that you're inside a movie, don't you?

  Danny Madigan : Yes!

  Jack Slater : Alright, I give you ten minutes to prove it. Then, I shoot you.

• Jack Slater : [sees the portal to the real world]  I'm not worried that you're crazy anymore. I'm worried that you're right. But if I go, how do I get back?

  Danny Madigan : You can't go through life nitpicking every little thing. Now come on!

  [hands him his gun] 

  Jack Slater : [smiles and agrees]  The hell with it.

• Jack Slater : [after punching through a car window]  My hand. It really hurts.

  Danny Madigan : Things work different here. You can't smash a car window with your bare hand and not have it hurt.

  Jack Slater : Thanks for sharing. Couldn't you have told me this earlier?

• Danny Madigan : I mean, where are the ordinary everyday women? They don't exist because *this* is a *movie*.

  Jack Slater : No, this is California.

• Nick : This is a wonderful moment for me, Mr. Slater. I've never met a fictional character before. How new and exciting this must all be for you.

  Jack Slater : Hey, I just found out I was imaginary. I mean, how would you feel is somebody made you up? Your job, your marriage, your kids. Oh, yeah. Let's push his son off the building. Gives you nightmares for the rest of your life. But you're fictional, so who cares? I'm sorry. But I don't find this new and exciting to discover that my whole life has been a damn movie.

• Irene Madigan : Why didn't you tell me Jack was a cop and why didn't you tell me that you spent the whole night at the police station looking at mug shots? You could have taken two minutes to call your mother.

  Jack Slater : Why didn't you tell me you had no friends? And what is this business about going to the movies at midnight when you knew your mother would be worried?

  Danny Madigan : Mom... You turned him into a wimp.

  Irene Madigan : Oh... I think not.

• Arnold Schwarzenegger : The studio should let me know when they are planning a stunt. You know, you are the best celebrity look-alike I've ever scene. If you get to Los Angeles, call my office. We can get you shopping center openings...

  Jack Slater : Look, I don't really like you. All right? You brought me nothing but pain.

• Jack Slater : Big mistake!

• Jack Slater : I don't care who does what to your Hershey highway!

• Jack Slater : Here's another explosion for your movie, kid.

• Jack Slater : Why am I wasting time with a dime-store putz like you when I could be doing something much more dangerous, like re-arranging my sock drawers?

• Jack Slater : [standing next to Leo The Fart's body]  He was a good man, a flatulent man.

• Jack Slater : Where am I sitting? Where?

  [removes his hat] 

  Jack Slater : Where am *I* sitting?

  Candy Girl : Um, there's two balconies, I believe you're in the, ah, upper... *lower* balcony.

• Arnold Schwarzenegger : [to his wife]  The National Enquirer. Don't talk to them, okay?

• Jack Slater : Is this the day you were talking about saving?

  Danny Madigan : Don't see *you* doing anything.

  Jack Slater : I wouldn't wanna steal your thunder.

• Nick : Could I have the ticket back, please?

  Danny Madigan : Well, um, we've got this one little... um, hiccup.

  Nick : What do you mean "hiccup?"

  Danny Madigan : Benedict's here too and he's got the ticket.

  Nick : That madman with the glass eye?

  [turns to Jack] 

  Nick : How the hell are you gonna get back?

  Jack Slater : That's a good question. But wouldn't want to "nitpick." Right, Danny?

• Jack Slater : Oh, God, please don't let me die.

• Danny Madigan : Say this.

  Jack Slater : Hey, grow up.

  Danny Madigan : Just say this one word.

  Jack Slater : Is this another one of your movie proofs?

  Danny Madigan : Maybe.

  Jack Slater : Kid... I don't want to say it.

  Danny Madigan : Say what? You can't. You can't possibly say it because this movie is PG-13. Admit it.

• Danny Madigan : The house looked European, like maybe if you get a postcard from Italy or something. Like that one. In fact, just like that one! The bad guys are in there!

  Jack Slater : You know something? I think you should be wearing this.

  Danny Madigan : I don't think I've earned it yet.

  Jack Slater : You don't understand. You just solved the entire case. you just revolutionized the entire history of police training. I mean all these years at the academy, studying human character, psyche of the terrorists, fingerprint analysis, all the courses that I've taken in surveillance, hostage negotiation, and criminal psychology, when all I have to do is drive around the neighborhood, point my finger at a house, and say, "the bad guys are in there!"?

  Danny Madigan : You think you're funny, don't you?

  Jack Slater : I know I am. I'm the famous comedian, Arnold Braunschweiger.

  Danny Madigan : Schwarzenegger!

  Jack Slater : Gesundheit.

• [repeated line] 

  Jack Slater : To hell with it.

• Jack Slater : Practice!

  John Practice : Makes perfect.

• Jack Slater : [Dekker is chewing out Slater with an incoherent string of obscenities]  Did you catch that?

  Danny : I think some of it's english.

• Jack Slater : Who the hell are you?

  Danny Madigan : Don't shoot me. I'm Danny Madigan. I'm a kid.

• Jack Slater : Look! Elephant!

• Jack Slater : I think the taxis are bulletproof.

• Jack Slater : [after seeing a Jack Slater movie poster]  What is this place? Where am I now? Danny, you got a place I can sit down?

• [In the real world, Jack and Danny are walking down a New York street in the pouring rain, searching for Benedict] 

  Jack Slater : In my world they just leave clues. Or they show up and kidnap me.

  Danny Madigan : [frustrated]  That stuff does not happen here, because this world stinks!

  Jack Slater : Hey. The world is what you make of it, Danny. You can give up and go home.

  [beat] 

  Jack Slater : You believed in me in the movies. Why not now?

  Danny Madigan : But here you're just...

  Jack Slater : Just what?

  [Knowing Danny was going to say "fictional", Jack walks off alone] 

• Dekker : I got the city council chewing my eggs off for that plane you crashed! I got the mayor scheduling parades up my Lincoln Tunnel for that stunt you pulled on the beach! And everybody wanna know what it is, what it ain't, and what it will be! Do I make myself clear?

  Jack Slater : I'm just doing my job.

  Dekker : You're giving this department the worst reputation in the country!

• Jack Slater : you really beleave that we in a movie dont you? fine then ill give you ten minutes to prove it