Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (1994)

John Capodice: Aguado

Photos 

Quotes 

• [Aguado stomps on a cockroach to provoke Ventura] 

  Aguado : Homicide, Ventura. Now how ya gonna solve that one?

  [everyone laughs] 

  Ace Ventura : Good question, Aguado. First, I'd establish a motive. In this case the killer saw the size of the bug's DICK, and became insanely jealous.

  [everybody "oohs"] 

  Ace Ventura : Then I'd lose 30 pounds... porkin' his wife!

  Aguado : Why you...!

  [Aguado charges Ace, but Ace makes him do a face-plant that ends with his face just an inch or so from the dead bug] 

  Ace Ventura : Now, kiss and make up.

• Lois Einhorn : [after she finishes wrestling with Ace, to the surrounding police officers]  Shoot him! Shoot him!

  Emilio : [offscreen]  Hold your fire!

  [walks in with Melissa, gun to his head] 

  Emilio : Don't shoot!

  Melissa : Put your guns down or this cop gets it. I mean it!

  [cocks revolver] 

  Emilio : She's not joking!

  Lois Einhorn : [ignoring them]  He kidnapped Snowflake! He killed Roger Podator and was just about to kill Dan Marino and me!

  Ace Ventura : Ho ho ho Hooooooooooooo! Fiction can be fun, but I find the reference section much more enlightening. For instance, if you were to look up professional football's "All Time Bonehead Plays," you might read about a Miami Dolphin kicker named Ray Finkle, who missed the 26 yard field goal in the closing seconds of Super Bowl XVII.

  [takes deep breath] 

  Ace Ventura : What you wouldn't read about is how Ray Finkle lost his mind, was committed to a mental hospital only to escape and join the police force under the assumed identity of a missing hiker manipulating his way to the top of a diabolical scheme to get even with Dan Marino whom he blamed the entire thing!

  [takes another deep, relief breath] 

  Aguado : What the hell are you talking about?

  Ace Ventura : SHE'S NOT LOIS EINHORN!, She's Ray Finkle, she's a man.

  Lois Einhorn : He's lying. SHOOT HIIIIMMM!

• Ace Ventura : You're certain you had to open this door.

  Aguado : Yeah, I'm certain.

  Lois Einhorn : What's the point, Ventura?

  Ace Ventura : Only this.

• Aguado : Uh oh, I think I heard a toilet flush. Maybe somebody lost a turtle.

• Aguado : Hey Ventura, Ventura. Make any good collars lately, or were they leashes.