Dumb and Dumber (1994)

Lauren Holly: Mary

Photos 

Quotes 

• Lloyd Christmas : Why you going to the airport? Flying somewhere?

  Mary Swanson : How'd you guess?

  Lloyd Christmas : I saw your luggage. Then when I noticed the airline ticket, I put 2 and 2 together.

• Harry Dunne : One time, we successfully mated a bulldog with a Shih-Tzu.

  Mary Swanson : Really? That's weird.

  Harry Dunne : Yeah, we called it a bullshit.

• Lloyd Christmas : [addressing Mary]  I'm crazy about you. I've never felt this way about anybody.

  Lloyd Christmas : [laughs nervously]  Listen to me! I feel like a schoolboy again. A schoolboy who desperately wants to make sweet, sweet love to you.

  Mary Swanson : [Mary comes into the room, making it clear to viewers that Lloyd's previous words were just a rehearsal]  I thought I heard you talking to someone.

  Lloyd Christmas : [now extremely nervous]  Mary... I... I desperately want to make love to a schoolboy.

• Lloyd Christmas : I want to ask you a question, straight out, flat out, and I want you to give me the honest answer. What do you think the chances are of a guy like you and a girl like me ending up together?

  Mary Swanson : Well Lloyd, that's difficult to say. We really don't...

  Lloyd Christmas : Hit me with it! Just give it to me straight! I came a long way just to see you Mary, just... The least you can do is level with me. What are my chances?

  Mary Swanson : Not good.

  [the background soundtrack music suddenly stops] 

  Lloyd Christmas : [he gulps, his mouth twitching]  You mean, not good like one out of a hundred?

  Mary Swanson : I'd say more like one out of a million.

  Lloyd Christmas : [long pause while he processes what he's heard]  So you're telling me there's a chance. YEAH!

• Mary Swanson : So you'll pick me up tonight at seven forty-five?

  Harry Dunne : Yo... well, y'know, I got a few things to take care of first, but what... why don't we make it quarter to eight?

  Mary Swanson : [laughs]  Stop it.

  Harry Dunne : Okay, seven forty-five.

• Mary Swanson : Okay, how do you guys know each other?

  Lloyd Christmas : We used to be best friends.

  Harry Dunne : Yeah, till he turned into a back-stabber.

  Lloyd Christmas : Me, a back-stabber? You got a lot of nerve. You knew I was crazy about her!

  Harry Dunne : Yeah, and you knew I was crazy about Fraida Felcher, and that didn't stop you, did it?

  Lloyd Christmas : [gasps]  What do you mean?

  Harry Dunne : "What do you mean?" Don't deny it, Lloyd. Fraida told me the whole sleazy story, Mr. French Tickler! I guess we both learned a little something about each other today.

  Lloyd Christmas : You said it, pal. Maybe we're not as good of friends as we thought. I mean, if one beautiful girl can rip us apart like this, then maybe our friendship isn't worth a damn. Maybe we should call it quits right now.

  Harry Dunne : You just tell me where to sign, bud.

  Lloyd Christmas : Right on my ass after you kiss it!

  Harry Dunne : Kiss it! You kiss mine! Both cheeks, both lips! Right here! Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah!

• Lloyd Christmas : This isn't my real job, you know.

  Mary Swanson : No?

  Lloyd Christmas : Nope. My friend Harry and I are saving up to open our own pet store.

  Mary Swanson : That's nice.

  Lloyd Christmas : I got worms!

  Mary Swanson : I beg your pardon?

  Lloyd Christmas : That's what we're gonna call it. "I Got Worms!" We're gonna specialize in selling worm farms. You know, like ant farms.

• Lloyd Christmas : So where are you headin'?

  Mary Swanson : Aspen.

  Lloyd Christmas : Hmmm, California! Beautiful!

• Harry Dunne : Nice set of hooters you got there!

  Mary Swanson : I beg your pardon?

  Harry Dunne : The owls! They're beautiful!

• [while looking back at Mary] 

  Lloyd Christmas : There's really nothing to worry about Mary. Statistically, they say you're more likely to get killed on the way to the airport. You know, like on a head on crash or flying off a cliff or getting trapped under a gas truck! That's the worst! I have this cousin, well y'know, I had this cousin...

  [Lloyd drives right through a red light, causing a fatal accident visible in the window] 

  Mary Swanson : Uh, Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road please?

  Lloyd Christmas : Oh, yeah! Good thinking. You can't be too careful. There are a lot of bad drivers out there.

• Mary Swanson : [after hearing on TV about the kid who bought a dead bird]  Who are these sick people?

• Mary Swanson : This is incredible. You mean to say you drove 2000 miles, just for me?

  Lloyd Christmas : I-I didn't really have a-a lot to do... and I know how frustrating it can be to lose a bag.