The Drew Carey Show (1995–2004)
Ryan Stiles: Lewis Kiniski, Ryan Stiles, Various
Photos
Quotes
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Lewis Kiniski : Man, it must be weird thinking you're going to lunch with someone and you end up going to their funeral.
Oswald Lee Harvey : Yeah. The closest things I've ever had to that is when my pet possum died. One minute he was fine, the next, on his back, dead. So I buried him in the backyard. But the weird thing is, the next morning, the grave was empty, and the ghost had taken a dump in my shoe.
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Drew Carey : Is that the most terrible sound you've ever heard?
Lewis Kiniski : Have you ever tried to start your car with a cat sleeping on the intake manifold?
Drew Carey : No.
Lewis Kiniski : Then yes, that's the worst sound you ever heard.
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Lewis Kiniski : I am a toilet of sadness. Oh well, at least I'm not a dying whore.
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Lewis Kiniski : I am sick of hearing about poor Drew. "Oh, my house is too big, I have too many wives! I just clogged up my toilet 'cause I crapped a solid gold brick!"
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[Drew awakes from his coma]
Drew Carey : How long was I out for?
Lewis Kiniski : A long time, Drew. It's 2137. I'm the great-grandson of Lewis Kiniski, the first human emperor. Unfortunately, you are my slave.
Drew Carey : Kate, how long was I really out for?
Lewis Kiniski : Silence, slave!
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[Mimi kicked Steve out]
Drew Carey : So, where are you staying?
Steve Carey : A hotel.
Drew Carey : You shouldn't be staying in no hotel, you should be staying here.
Steve Carey : Thanks, but if I stay here, Mimi's never gonna let you see your nephew.
Oswald Lee Harvey : Why don't you stay with me and Lewis?
Steve Carey : Really?
Lewis Kiniski : Sure. You clean, you cook, you're like a big, bald Mary Poppins.
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Drew Carey : [to Lewis and Oswald] Boy, you ought to be ashamed of yourselves. Making prank phone calls to a guy who just took an arrow through his scrotum without asking if papa's gonna get a brand new bag!
Lewis Kiniski : Ah nuts.
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[Lewis's mother just told Drew that Lewis has an I.Q. of 162]
Drew Carey : I'm going to have to tell him. Maybe now, he'll know why he has so much trouble connecting with people. I just hope he takes it well.
[cut to an outside shot of Drew's house]
Lewis Kiniski : BOW DOWN BEFORE MY GIANT BRAIN.
[laughs hysterically]
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[discussing marriage]
Lewis Kinski : The closest I ever got to an altar was when my uncle tried to sacrifice me to the corn gods to make the crops grow.
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Drew Carey : They always spell my name wrong on my paycheck! Look at what it says: "Drew Fairy". Last week, it was "Screw Carey".
Lewis Kiniski : Looks like every week it's Screw Carey.
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Lewis Kiniski : Well Drew, This may just be the medication talking, but women are like street cars, they're big and they have bells that go "clang clang clang clang clang!"
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Steve Carey : Bro, I wanted to tell you something for a long time... I play for the other team.
Lewis Kiniski : I knew it, he's gay.
Steve Carey : No, I mean the other softball team. And, if you think I'm gay, well... talk to the hand.
[sticks out his hand]
Lewis Kiniski : [to Steve's hand] Oh, hello.
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Drew Carey : How do I look?
Lewis Kiniski : Not just sexy, grandpa sexy.
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Drew Carey : You guys really got to go.
Lewis Kiniski : Wait a minute... Six eggs on the frying pan... That twinkle in your eye... Speedy hiding under the pool table with that haunted look in his eyes... You scored last night, didn't ya?
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Lewis Kiniski : How about this? You kiss ass at a drug company for fifteen years, you let one little strand of bacteria slip that causes a major disease, and suddenly, it's good bye lab coat, hello mop.
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Lewis Kiniski : This is got to be the fifth biggest margarita I've ever drank in my life
Larry Almada : Fifth largest?
Lewis Kiniski : Frat party, frat party, frat party, and the Super Mucho Grande Margarita at La Cucarahca's, which has its own undertow.
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[Drew and Oswald accidentally spray Lewis with a liquid that attracts eagles, and run inside]
Lewis Kiniski : Open the door! Open the door, for god's sake!
[the eagle doesn't show up]
Lewis Kiniski : What, I'm not good enough for ya?
Drew Carey : If the eagle didn't show, then what does it attract?
[Lewis is suddenly attacked by a pack of squirrels]
Lewis Kiniski : Help! Help! Let me in!
Drew Carey : You know, I'd run for cover, if I were you.
Lewis Kiniski : Because eagles eat squirrels.
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Lewis Kiniski : I don't say this often but grrrrrrr.
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[On sex]
Lewis Kiniski : One person's always disappointed. So far, I've been lucky; it's always been the woman.
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Lewis Kiniski : If you hurt my sister they will never find any piece of you! Not even your glasses! Remember, I am a janitor, I know how to dispose of things!
Drew Carey : Is that a threat?
Lewis Kiniski : You want me to sing it to ya?
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Lewis Kiniski : Man... what do you get a guy who's just lost the girl of his dreams and is having a gay green-card wedding just to get his crappy job back?
Oswald Lee Harvey : Champagne flutes?
Lewis Kiniski : You read my mind.
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Lewis Kiniski : Mimi, if you lose the bet, you'll have to name your baby after us. Lewis Oswald.
Oswald Lee Harvey : No, no. Oswald Lewis.
Lewis Kiniski : [after much careful thought] Loswald!
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Lewis Kiniski : [to Kate] You're just jealous because you don't have an electric wheelchair.
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Kate O'Brien : What are you doing here?
Lewis Kiniski : Well, I'm not freezing my penis! That's for sure!
Kate O'Brien : Hmmm... I never get the answer I think I'm going to get.
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Lewis Kiniski : Drew, we found the Bed and Breakfast where the lesbians are staying!
Oswald Lee Harvey : Yeah, we rented the room next door and the walls are paper thin!
Drew Carey : I want to be a scoutmaster.
[pause]
Drew Carey : Tomorrow.
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Lewis Kiniski : You know what our Little League coach used to tell us: 'Hey, drink it off, buddy.'
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Kate O'Brien : Oh, my God! How could you lie on the Bible.
Lewis Kiniski : Well, it's simple. I'm a single, 41 year-old janitor. What's God gonna do? Take *that* away from me?
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Lewis Kiniski : It's a great day. Drew's got a new job, Kate got a promotion, and the manager at Drug-Co is paying me off so I won't talk about their new experiment.
Oswald Lee Harvey : Really?
Lewis Kiniski : Yeah, I'm supposed to meet him in the woods at midnight.
Oswald Lee Harvey : How much is he going to pay you?
Lewis Kiniski : I don't know, but I think it's going to be a lot. He told me to bring a duffel bag I could fit in.
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[Lewis ate a human liver that Oswald brought home for his med class]
Lewis Kiniski : I'm a freak! I need some time alone!
[Opens the door, at the same time that Milan comes in. Lewis makes sucking noises, creeping her out and leaves]
Oswald Lee Harvey : I hope he's going to be all right.
[Oswald stands up, bangs his leg on the table, and limps outside]
Oswald Lee Harvey : Well, I'm off to the morgue to get another human liver.
Milan : Hi, Drew... I see why you drink...
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[Drew and Mimi signed a truce, forbidding them to play pranks on each other]
Mimi Bobeck : Oops. Clumsy me. I just dropped a pen. I'm just gonna have to bend over and pick it up. Thus, leaving my butt open to a kick, stabbing, or the possible application of a humorous bumper sticker.
[bends over]
Drew Carey : I'm warning you, Mimi. You're waving a steak in front of a hungry dog... God, I want to hurt that butt!
Mimi Bobeck : It wants to be hurt!
Lewis Kiniski : [to Oswald] What are we watching here?
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Lewis Kiniski : Ok, Drew. You need some practice. Pretend I'm Kate.
[takes out a picture of Kate, with the mouth cut off]
Lewis Kiniski : Give it to me, big boy!
[starts making motions with his tongue]
Drew Carey : Uhh, Lewis? Why do you have a picture of Kate with her mouth cut out?
Lewis Kiniski : Oh, don't worry. It's nothing weird. I have one of all of you.
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Lewis Kiniski : If we win, you have to name your son after us.
Steve Carey : And, if I win, you two have to legally change your names to 'Boob 1' and 'Boob 2'
Lewis Kiniski : That's ridiculous.
Oswald Lee Harvey : Dibs on 'Boob 1'!
Lewis Kiniski : Damn!
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Lewis Kiniski : Ok, Drew is really going to mope about this. So, we need beer, junk food, and pity sex.
Kate O'Brien : I'll get the food.
Lewis Kiniski : I'll get the beer.
[pause]
Oswald Lee Harvey : Every damn time!
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Oswald Lee Harvey : All right. Drew told us not to let speedy into the house.
Lewis Kiniski : Where is he?
Oswald Lee Harvey : Probably in the brewery.
Lewis Kiniski : [opens the door] Ok, when he comes out, we pretend to let him into the house, and then we catch him.
[Speedy comes out of the brewery, with a six-pack]
Oswald Lee Harvey : Hey, he brought us a six pack! But, why did he put it all the way over there?
Lewis Kiniski : 'Cause he's a dumb animal. Come on, let's go get it.
[Oswald and Lewis go to get the beer, while Speedy runs into the house, and pushes the door closed, locking Oswald and Lewis out]
Lewis Kiniski : We must never speak of this again...
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Drew Carey : Wow, Lewis. That was fast. How did you learn to tie ties like that?
Lewis Kiniski : Oh, at Drug-Co we like to make the monkeys believe that we're going to turn them into people, before killing them. When they go into that room, all dressed up, there's nothing but a fat guy with a hammer...
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Drew Carey : Why are you guys wearing suits?
Lewis Kiniski : Well, Wendy's coming back. Looks like ripe picking for the love buzzards!
Oswald Lee Harvey : Picking at the bones of her self respect!
Drew Carey : I don't know how to break this to you guys, but, I don't think she was ever crazy about you two.
Lewis Kiniski : Ahh, but you don't know how forgettable we are. I went out on a date with this one woman. She told me about her worst date ever. Little did she know- that date was me.
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[Oswald and Lewis are having a double date]
Drew Carey : Hey, Oswald. Hey, Lewis.
Date #1 : Oswald? Lewis? Now, I remember! You two were the door-to-door underwear inspectors!
[girls get up and leave]
Lewis Kiniski : That was 10 years ago, baby! We're senators, now!
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Lewis Kiniski : I think Santa doesn't want to kill us anymore. We didn't get any death threats, recently. And, when we threw Kate to him and left her for dead he didn't touch her.
Kate O'Brien : Yeah, he told me not to worry and that he wasn't going to rape me. He told me that after what Santa saw in the Gulf War he could never be with a woman again.
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Lewis Kiniski : [to Drew] You're like some kind of superhero that can ward off success at every turn.
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Lewis Kiniski : My dad always said- "The day I can't do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun".
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Drew Carey : Hey, Lewis, I got a question. Did you ever sleep with a close friends' girlfriend?
Lewis Kiniski : Oh, I see where this is going... I'm in. But, Kate, when we're in bed Drew's and my eyes must never meet.
Kate O'Brien : Lewis, let me make this clear. The only way I'd lie next to you naked is if we're in a mass grave.
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Oswald Lee Harvey : Wow, your team really sucks... Is that a guy with a hunchback?
Drew Carey : That's a woman.
Lewis Kiniski : Give me a night and a bottle of wine, I'll straighten out that spine.
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[At the Warsaw]
Kate O'Brien : I can't believe Drew did this to me! I'm going to kill him!
[storms out]
Oswald Lee Harvey : Oh, no. We should probably warn Drew.
Lewis Kiniski : Yeah, we should do a lot of things.
[both continue drinking]
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Female Cop : I'm sorry, but we're going to have to close this bar down.
Lewis Kiniski : Well, I didn't want to resort to this, but...
[approaches female cop]
Lewis Kiniski : Hey, Baby. How'd you like to take a bath without ever having to step into a tub.
[sticks out his tongue]
Female Cop : I'm a lesbian, thank god.
Kate O'Brien : [approaches female cop] Please don't take away our bar.
Female Cop : Sorry. I never paid for it in my life.
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Preacher : You should come on Wednesday. It's Christian singles night. Lewis is always there, chatting up the young ladies.
Drew Carey : Christian singles night, huh?
Lewis Kiniski : I suppose you would prefer some snobby, stuck-up woman you met at a bar. Well, so would I. But that didn't work, so welcome to plan B.
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[Drew sneaks up behind Lewis at his work]
Drew Carey : Hey, Lewis. I got a little present for you. You want to smell something nice?
Lewis Kiniski : [before turning around, flattered] For the last time Frank, that's sexual harassment.
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Lewis Kiniski : Hey, Drew. I got this new perfume from Drug-Co. You might want to try it out on your date.
Drew Carey : No, it's okay-
[Lewis sprays him with it]
Drew Carey : Damn it!... Hey, that actually smells pretty good.
Lewis Kiniski : I know.
[under his breath]
Lewis Kiniski : I'm sure you won't be in the 3%.
Drew Carey : What?
Lewis Kiniski : Nothing.
Drew Carey : What 3%?
Lewis Kiniski : Well, 3% of the test monkeys at Drug-Co tried to eat their own genitals.
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Drew Carey : You guys really think we can drink this much?
Lewis Kiniski : I think we can... remember D.W.I. Fridays?
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[Kate, Lewis, and Oswald recover Drew's old refrigerator from the dump]
Drew Carey : Oh my god, it's Frankenfridge.
Kate O'Brien : It's filled with... baking soda. Because it really smells.
Lewis Kiniski : Are you crying, Drew?
Drew Carey : It's that smell. It's killing me.
Oswald Lee Harvey : Hope you like it, Drew.
Drew Carey : Wow, I cant believe you guys did such a nice thing for me. And yet you sit here, while this refrigerator is attracting flies in the middle of winter!
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Lewis Kiniski : Hey, I've got a girlfriend, too. She's a guinea pig.
Kate O'Brien : Oh, good. I thought it was going to be something weird.
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Lewis Kiniski : Hey, Drew. Having another expiration day eat-a-thon?
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Nigel Wick : Uhh, Lewis. I know this is an awkward proposition but I need to use your apartment for the night...
[points to attractive blonde at his table, and Lewis stares at him]
Nigel Wick : And 50$.
Lewis Kiniski : 50$? Hey, 20$ gets you an apartment! 50$ gets you a photographer! A 100$ gets you no photographer.
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Lewis Kiniski : Gee, Drew, I'm really sorry about your troubles with your hot, young and rich boss. I'd send you a sympathy card if I wasn't so busy mopping elephant afterbirth at Drug-Co.
Oswald Lee Harvey : Eww!
Lewis Kiniski : That's typical. You want your shampoo and conditioner in one but you don't want to know how it's done.
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Lewis Kiniski : Well, when you clean toilets for ten years, it's like one big vaccine for everything.
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Kate O'Brien : Guys, that is THE most disgusting bathroom I have ever seen.
Lewis Kiniski : Well, we tried to clean it once, but the bacteria ate our sponge.
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Drew Carey : Ask me about my day, I dare you.
Lewis Kiniski : Drew, how was your day?
Drew Carey : You're not sincere enough.
[points to Oswald]
Drew Carey : YOU! Ask me about my day.
Oswald Lee Harvey : Drew, how was your day?
Drew Carey : Lousy. It was like the rubber glove part of a physical exam.
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Lewis Kiniski : Come on, everybody. Drew can't make bail. If everyone pitches in $10...
[blank stares from bar patrons]
Kate O'Brien : All right, ten bucks to hear about the night I spent in a women's prison!
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[during an "oldest unpaid bill contest"]
Oswald Lee Harvey : I have an unpaid student loan bill. Well, when you give a loan to a community college student with a 2.0 GPA, you takes your chances.
Lewis Kiniski : I have an unpaid bill... from my own birth. What are they going to do, put me back?
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Lewis Kiniski : Hey, Speedy, want some pickle water?
[sticks out pickle jar and Speedy starts licking the water]
Lewis Kiniski : Uh uh. Don't eat the pickles, they're for paying customers.
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Drew Carey : Say, this burger isn't bad.
Lewis Kiniski : It was created in a test kitchen.
Drew Carey : Test kitchen?
Lewis Kiniski : Oh, I'll need to ask you a few questions. Are you experiencing any side effects?
Drew Carey : You're going to be experiencing some side effects if you don't tell me what's in this burger!
Lewis Kiniski : Mood swings, that's obvious.
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Lewis Kiniski : That's what I want to see - a couple of guys loving each other.
[pauses]
Lewis Kiniski : I mean, a couple of guys not fighting over a dress.
[pauses]
Lewis Kiniski : I mean, a couple of guys not letting it come to blows.
[pauses]
Lewis Kiniski : Yeah, that's not what I meant.
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Lewis Kiniski : Hey Mr. Wick, what were some of the things you've been fired for?
Mr. Wick : Let's see - drunk,
[pauses]
Mr. Wick : drunk,
[pauses]
Mr. Wick : I don't know what the technical term is, but whipping it out in an elevator.
[pauses]
Mr. Wick : Drunk,
[pauses]
Mr. Wick : drunk,
[pauses]
Mr. Wick : whipping it out in an office.
[pauses]
Mr. Wick : I was telling the elevator story at another job.
Drew Carey : Oh!
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[Lewis and Oswald have a picture of Drew skinny dipping]
Mimi Bobeck : Hey, losers poker! What's the winning hand?
Lewis Kiniski : Read this and weep.
Mimi Bobeck : Oh geez.
[faints]
Drew Carey : Quick, somebody tag her before the dart wears off.
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Lewis Kiniski : I know how many cockroaches it takes to tow a toothbrush. I know the last meal of every man executed in the last 100 years. I know which Vice-Presidents were gay and which ones were robots, and which one was a gay robot.
Drew Carey : Little Danny Quayle?
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[after Drew asks what he should do to get his girlfriend back]
Lewis Kiniski : I say we kill what she loves must in life that way you go up a notch.
Drew Carey : What did you come up with Oswald?
Oswald Lee Harvey : Beard of bee's
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Lewis Kiniski : I say we do a preemptive strike on the neighbors; they must be up to something with their doors and their curtains
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Drew Carey : Lewis, I need you to stop the wedding.
Lewis Kiniski : Okay.
[beat]
Drew Carey : Don't you even want to know why?
Lewis Kiniski : [sagely] Would it have something to do with the fact that Oswald is an immature man-child trapped in a kind of "prolonged adolescence," and that, while at first that appealed to Kate, she now feels she needs someone more challenging to what she perceives as her intellect?
Drew Carey : Wow! How did you know all that?
Lewis Kiniski : Do you believe in Magic Cheese, Drew?
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Oswald Lee Harvey : Whoof! Where have you been? You smell like garbage and gunpowder!
Drew Carey : I was at the dump with Mimi.
Lewis Kiniski : You fool, you can't bury her there! That's the first place they'll look!
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Lewis Kiniski : You know what the worst part of getting drunk all the time is? When you really want to get smashed it costs a fortune.
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Lewis Kiniski : Waitress, four beers!
Woman : But we're alcoholics!
Lewis Kiniski : Sorry. Eight beers!
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Drew Carey : Hi, I'm Drew Carey. You know in all the years we've been on television, we've never won an Emmy award. Never! Can't even get nominated! Nothing for acting, nothing for writing, nothing! We thought this year might be different after all the shows we've did but nope, we've don't have a chance in hell this year either. So some of the guys around here thought if we did just this one special episode, something filled with social importance and big tear-jerking emotional things, that we'd have a chance. And that maybe the emmy people would notice just once, just once in our stinking miserable lives! But I said NO! We're not gonna have our actors hamming it up just to win some stupid award.
Lewis Kiniski : [barging in] Drew! This homeless woman is having a baby for your consideration!
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Lewis Kiniski : [under the influence of a sex-drug] I sex what we're saying is, breast tell the truth.
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Lewis Kiniski : You know, Drew, down at Drugco we have a pet psychiatrist. She's really good. We had this monkey who used to take off his pants and jump around every time a woman didn't wear a bra to work, and you know what, after only two weeks, she cured me.
[embarrassed laugh]
Lewis Kiniski : I mean the monkey! Crazy monkey! Crazy, lonely monkey.
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Lewis Kiniski : [Dramaticlly] I'm a janitor. Have you ever cleaned a toilet with your bare hands before?
