The Daily Show (1996– )

Lewis Black: Self - Commentator, Self

Photos 

Quotes 

• Contributor, 'Back in Black' : I don't care what this administration thinks of gays. Right now, our military cannot afford to turn anyone away. We need boots on the ground. And if some of those boots happen to be Prada, fabulous!

• Contributor, 'Back in Black' : [after the 2003 Stanley Cup finals]  This is how lame hockey has gotten: the country that invented it lost to a country that doesn't care about it, in a state that has NO natural ice!

• Contributor, 'Back in Black' : [after showing a commercial advocating President Bush]  Here's the message I'm getting from this commercial: "We had to take out Sadam Hussein because, as the Communist leader of Germany, he blew up the World Trade Center, and that's why we went to Vietnam. Vote for Reagan!"

• Contributor, 'Back in Black' : [showing footage of the E! reenactment of the Michael Jackson trial in which the names of the accused are bleeped out]  Now I can read lips, and the name of the defendant is Motherfucker.

• Contributor, 'Back in Black' : [footage of NRA President Wayne La Pierre saying: "What is a watch list?"]  Hey, asshole! It's a list of suspected terrorists that we're watching. In this case, watching buy guns.

• Contributor, 'Back in Black' : Growing up, my baseball heroes were Wade Boggs, Babe Ruth, and even Joe DiMaggio. They were drunks! They had to overcome their substance! So why can't baseball go back to its roots? Forget the performance-enhancing drugs and bring back the performance-hindering ones! At the very least, do it for the children!

• Contributor, 'Back in Black' : [footage of Mark McGwire crying during testimony]  Hey, idiot! There's no crying in baseball testimony!

• Contributor, 'Back in Black' : Listen, Osama! I don't care how far you've gone, I don't care how long you've planned. There's no way that you can kill more Americans with *your* guns then we do with our *own*. This is the big leagues, baby! Jon?

• Contributor, 'Back in Black' : Kids? Call your moms. For the first time in my life, I am speechless. Here's why.

  [shows a clip of a group of people racing in dune buggys, stopping to pick up a pig in a trough, then speeding away again] 

• Contributor, 'Back in Black' : [discussing summer travel]  Or how about Las Vegas? America's Mecca of smoking, gambling, and drinking. Or as I like to call it, The Happiest Place On Earth!

• Contributor, 'Back in Black' : The biggest surprise was that the Tony Awards were on TV at all. I don't give a shit. Hell, I live behind a Broadway theater and I don't give a shit. I performed on Broadway this year, and I still don't give a shit!

• Contributor, 'Back in Black' : [showing footage of the E! reenactment of the Michael Jackson trial]  I'd show you my reaction to all of this, but that's beneath me. Now here's the reenactment of my rection to the Michael Jackson trial.

• Contributor, 'Back in Black' : President Bush has refused to speak at any NAACP meetings because of scheduling conflicts. That's because he's spent the last five years *scheduling* conflicts!

• Contributor, 'Back in Black' : [regarding Christian groups that promote abstinence-only education]  So, your incentive to get people to become Christian is that they shouldn't have sex? Well, I've got one thing to say about that: Baruch atah adonai!

• Contributor, 'Back in Black' : [regarding a new prescription-dispensing drug "ATM"]  Wow, that will save a lot of time, because old people are whizzes when it comes to new technology!

• Lewis Black : Now, we all know the best medical advice doesn't come from the church or some machine, but from the people you trust the most: celebrities! Actor and lovestruck Scientologist Tom Cruise appeared on the Today Show last Friday, where he shared his beliefs on mental health.

  Tom Cruise : I've never agreed with psychiatry, ever. Before I was a Scientologist, I never agreed with psychiatry. And I know that psychiatry is a pseudoscience.

  Lewis Black : Unlike Scientology. I mean, that's got science right in the name!

  Lewis Black : The climax came when Matt Lauer suggested that therapy and antidepressants might work for some people.

  Tom Cruise : Do you know what Adderall is? Do you know Ritalin? Do you know now that Ritalin is a street drug? Do you understand that? You don't know the history of psychiatry; I do. There is no such thing as a chemical imbalance.

  Lewis Black : No? Then, what do you call what's happening to you right now?

• Contributor, 'Back in Black' : War is all the rage these days, so let me lay another one on you - TIVO vs. Advertisers. With more and more Americans zapping commercials, advertisers are going guerilla on our asses. Taking it to new and better heights. For example, five-foot tall bulimic men. The Churchill Downs recently OK'd the jockeys to wear advertisements on their shorts. The commission for the Churchill Downs has stated in the past that it didn't want, quote "advertisements that would not taint or destroy the fine tradition here at Churchill Downs". That means that they didn't want ads tainting the nobility of gambling. Which means no ads for glue or dog food, it upsets the horses! So what did the ads permit? An ad for Hypnotiq, a liquor made from vodka, cognac, and tropical fruit juices. Just perfect for Derby Day. And it's the only drink more likely to make you puke than a mint julep. Baseball has also permitted these ads, but the players wont wear them. Not because of the purity of the game, but the ads conflict with the player's own endorsement deals. Speed Stick? I thought they endorsed Right Guard! Say it aint so!

• Drew Barrymore : [footage of her on a TV show]  I took a poo in the woods. It was awesome!

  Contributor, 'Back in Black' : If there wasn't a better symbol for America being out of touch with the world than a celebrity crapping in the native's back yard, I havent found one!

• Contributor, 'Back in Black' : [discussing the new Wynn Hotel/Casino in Las Vegas]  It's the most expensive hotel ever built. So how do they pay for it? By a three hour commercial otherwise known as The Today Show.

  [footage of hosts saying "They let us in."] 

  Contributor, 'Back in Black' : Really? For three hours of free advertising on network television, they just let you in the casino? Wow!

• Contributor, 'Back in Black' : [discussing disaster-torn Sri Lanka attracting only 4 tourists]  And those four tourists were Cameron Diaz and her three friends! And Drew Barrymore just took a shit in the pool!