Spin City (1996–2002)

Alan Ruck: Stuart Bondek

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Stuart : Big 3-0, huh? It's the perfect age. You can date college girls *and* their mothers.

• Stuart : I remember the first time I got mugged. It was by a woman. She came up to me, made small talk, put her hand in my pocket, and made off with my wallet.

  James : That's horrible!

  Stuart : I've paid more to get less.

• James : How many women have you slept with?

  Stuart : Roughly...

  James : I don't care *how* you did it, you sicko.

• [James has been told to look after the Mayor's daughter] 

  Stuart : Hey Mike. I'm free. Why don't you let me look after the Mayor's daughter?

  Mike : The same reason they don't give guns to monkeys.

• Charlie : It says you're involved in the war against pornography.

  Stuart : No, that's 'the war on the war' against pornography.

  Charlie : I thought that was a typo!

• [the staff is concerned that the mayor may cheat on his wife] 

  Mike : All right, everybody huddle up, close your eyes, I want to paint you a mental picture; the mayor is very vulnerable tonight, there are a lot of reporters here tonight, and also in attendance is a woman I will refer to simply as "The Shark", whereas the Mayor is like an older, slow-moving sea lion.

  Stuart : [French accent]  I will stay aboard the Calypso, while my assistant, Mike, dive into the ocean to join in the life and death struggle between the shark and the noble sea lion.

• Stuart : I take my coffee the way I take my women.

  Stacey : Are you sure you want to pay 75 bucks for a cup of coffee?

• Paul : If this gets out then I'll be the laughingstock of the city!

  Stuart : Oh that ship has sailed.

• James : Stewart, I don't feel well. Knowing about Mike's mom and the Mayor is killing me.

  Stuart : James, secrets are power. You get something good like this, you sit on it. Right now, you leak it, it's just office gossip that makes everyone uncomfortable, BUT, in 20 years when Mike's running for President, this little gem gets me an ambassadorship to Sweden.

  James : What do I get?

  Stuart : Topless postcard from Sweden!

• [On erections] 

  Nikki : Can't you guys control those things?

  Stuart : Not always.

  Mike : You can scold it, or smack it around a little bit. That only seems to encourage it.

  Nikki : I am fascinated.

  James : Sometimes all it takes is a thought, memory... sometimes all it takes is a slight breeze.

• Mike : Now, I don't want to hear any excuses.

  Stuart : You sure? 'Cause I've been saving the doozy. It starts out as an excuse but I end up blaming James.

• Holly : I don't have the patience to ask you again. Leave me alone or I'll have you terminated.

  Stuart : You can't fire me.

  Holly : I meant killed.

• Stuart : If that woman ever shows her face again, I will unleash a punishment upon her she cannot even fathom.

  Carter : What are you gonna do? You gonna date her?

• Stuart : This is New York. You can't swing a mesh tank top without hitting a gay guy.

• [Stuart visits Carter at his gym. Carter is wearing a headband] 

  Stuart : Hey carter, is that headband to keep the bald out of your eyes?

• Mike : Stuart, what makes someone a hero?

  Stuart : I'd have to go with x-ray vision.

• Stuart : [to Mike, after a picture of Mike kissing Heidi Klum's butt appears on the front page of a newspaper]  What did Heidi Klum's butt taste like?

• Stuart : Oh take it outta hyper-gay!

• Stuart : Nice dress Nikki. Who are you gonna meet - Felicity?

  Nikki : You actually watch Felicity?

  Stuart : Not since she cut her hair.