The Cable Guy (1996)
Matthew Broderick: Steven M. Kovacs
Photos
Quotes
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Steven : You know, my brother is a speech therapist.
Chip Douglas : Tho?
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Cable Guy : If Robin had seen you tonight, she'd be begging you to take her back. I'm telling you, these knights get laid all the time.
The Cable Guy : [He and Steve are on horses about to charge one another] This is our destiny!
Steven : No it's not!
The Cable Guy : Yes it is!
Steven : No it isn't!
The Cable Guy : Yes it is!
Steven : Isn't!
The Cable Guy : T'is!
Steven : Isn't!
The Cable Guy : T'is!
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Chip Douglas : HI! Is there a problem with your service?
Steven Kovacs : Yeah, my cable is out.
Chip Douglas : [Presents a cut cord] Really? So you call me? Ha, funny how you call when you NEED something. Is that how you treat people?
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The Cable Guy : Women are a labyrinth, my friend. Can I be frank? I don't think you listen to her. I think you tell her what she wants to hear. She wants you to thirst for knowledge about who she is, all the complicated splendor that is women. When your love is truly giving, it will come back to you ten fold.
Steven Kovacs : You're right. That's incredibly insightful.
The Cable Guy : I know. It was Jerry Springer's final thought on Friday's show.
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Steven Kovacs : [Chip had hired a prostitute to entertain Steven] Just get out. I don't ever want to see you again. Robin is never going to forgive me!
Chip Douglas : Well I'll tell you how you handle that: DON'T TELL HER.
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Chip Douglas : Call it one guy doing another guy a solid.
Steven Kovacs : That is so nice!
Chip Douglas : Well you're a nice guy! You'd be surprised how many customers treat me like snot, like I'm a goddamn plumber or somethin'.
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[Chip is danging over a ledge above the giant cable dish]
Steven Kovacs : You'll be fine. I'll be your pal, just come on up!
Chip Douglas : No. It's too late for me, but there are alot of little cable boys and girls out there who STILL have a chance! Don't you understand, Steven? Somebody has to kill the babysitter.
[drops from ledge and freefalls towards dish]
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Steven : I asked my girlfriend to marry me and she asked me to move out.
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Steven : You're right. That's incredibly insightful.
Chip Douglas : I know. It was Jerry Springer's final thought on Friday's show.
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Steven : I have this friend and he gave his cable guy $50 and then he got all the movie channels for free. You ever hear of anything like that?
Chip Douglas : [Walks slowly towards Steven] You mean illegal cable?
Steven : Um... Yeah.
Chip Douglas : Who told you that? What is his name? I want it.
Steven : Just forget it.
Chip Douglas : You're offering me a bribe. What you have just done is illegal and in this state, if convicted, you could be fined up to $5,000 or spend six months in a correction facility!
Steven : No, please, that was dumb. I was just making conversation. Forget it.
Chip Douglas : [Bursts out laughing] I'm just jerking your chain! Ha ha ha. The look on your face! Ha ha, you are too easy!
[laughs harder]
Chip Douglas : Wake up, little snoozy. Smell the smelling salts? Ha ha ha. I'll juice ya up.
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Chip Douglas : Here is a comment card. Please mail it in when I am done.
Steven Kovacs : Does this go to your boss?
Chip Douglas : No it goes to me, I'm sort of a perfectionis... perfectionis... t.
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The Cable Guy : Sounds like heart break to me.
Steven Kovacs : Well I really don't want to discuss it with you. Could you just install my cable please? I'm gonna go get dressed.
The Cable Guy : Suit yourself. No sweat off my sac. Oh by the way, you might wanna put on a bathing suit 'cause you'll be channel surfing in no time!
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Chip Douglas : It was my treat.
Steven Kovacs : What do you mean it was your treat?
Chip Douglas : You know, I bought this time. You buy next time... Don't let your eggs get cold.
Steven Kovacs : Buy what?
Chip Douglas : What do you mean 'buy what'? The women.
Steven Kovacs : [after pause] Do... do you mean that Heather is a prostitute?
Chip Douglas : Of course she is. You think a woman like that would hang out with us if we weren't paying her?
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The Cable Guy : Cable Guy!
Steven Kovacs : [in the shower] Oh, shit!
The Cable Guy : Caable Guuuy!
Steven Kovacs : I'm coming!
[grabs a towel, heads for the door]
The Cable Guy : [yells] Caaable guuuy!
Steven Kovacs : Don't leave!
[Steven reaches the door, peeks outside]
The Cable Guy : [leaving, sounding angry] Jesu Cristo!
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Steven Kovacs : [using Cable Guy's advice to Robin] I don't listen to you. I pretend to understand, but I'm really just saying the things that I think you want to hear. And I'm interested in learning about every detail of the complicated splendor that is you.
Robin Harris : Oh.
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Chip Douglas : Wow, the old McNair place. Never thought they'd get the floors clean after what happened.
Steven Kovacs : Why? What happened?
Chip Douglas : They had a lot of cats.
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Steven Kovacs : Hey, wait, come back!
Chip Douglas : Well look who decided to show.
Steven Kovacs : You were supposed to be here 4 hours ago.
Chip Douglas : Was I? So I'm the tardy one?
Steven Kovacs : Yeah, I was gonna go to that bed and bath place and now it's closed.
Chip Douglas : Well maybe I shouldn't have come at all, JERK OFF! I'm just jokin' with ya.
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Chip Douglas : [eating chicken at Medieval Times] Can I have your skin?
Steven Kovacs : Sure.
Chip Douglas : Check this out.
[places pieces of chicken skin over his face]
Chip Douglas : Silence of the lambs!
[imitates Hannibal Lecter]
Chip Douglas : Hello, Clarice. It's good to see you again.
[bursts out laughing]
Steven Kovacs : Oh lord.
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Steven Kovacs : Don't be mad. Can't you get somebody else?
Rick : Sure. Maybe I'll take MY cable guy.
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Steven Kovacs : What are you doing?
Chip Douglas : I'm just talking trash.
Steven Kovacs : You ruined the game.
Chip Douglas : I don't appreciate your tone, Steve. Friends aren't supposed to talk to each other that way...
Steven Kovacs : What are you talking about? We're not friends. I don't even know you.
Chip Douglas : Well let's change that. Let me buy you a Heineken.
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Steven Kovacs : Guard! This is the guy who framed me. He set me up. Arrest him!
Chip Douglas : Hey Bernie, how's that sports package?
[Bernie gives him a thumbs up]
Chip Douglas : All right!
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Steven Kovacs : [Answers the phone] Hello?
Rick : Bingo! "My Three Sons"!
Steven Kovacs : Chip and Ernie Douglas.
Rick : I have a list here of every cable installer fired in the last four years. Check out some of these names: Murray Slaughter, George Jetson, Jean Luc Picard, there's even a guy who liked to be called "The Big Ragu".
Steven Kovacs : Carmine from "Laverne & Shirley".
Rick : That's so sad that you know that. Anyway, the cable company has just fired somebody six months ago named Darrin Stephens. You may remember his boss, Larry Tate, from a little show called "Bewitched".
Steven Kovacs : So... He doesn't even work for the cable company.
Rick : Yahtzee! They booted his ass for stalking customers. This guy is deeply troubled. If I were you, I'd lock up *tight*.
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[on a gurney, Chip is about to be loaded onto a helicopter; Steven and Robin follow]
Chip Douglas : [weakly but amiable] You too are gonna be just fine. Take care of him, Robin; he's good people.
Steven : You never told me your real name.
Chip Douglas : You still wanna know my name?
Steven : [smiles] Yeah.
Chip Douglas : It's... Ricardo.
[Steven looks confused]
Chip Douglas : [grins] Ricky Ricardo.
[imitates Desi Arnaz's inimitable laugh]
Chip Douglas : Babalu!
[chuckles]
Chip Douglas : I'm just messin' with ya!
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The Cable Guy : Pretty smooth work! I set 'em up, you knock 'em down.
Steven Kovacs : What?
The Cable Guy : Robin. I got her back for you. I juiced her up!
Steven Kovacs : How do you know we're back together?
The Cable Guy : Free cable is the ultimate aphrodisiac, Steven.
Steven Kovacs : I don't want you messing with my life!
The Cable Guy : I know! I felt bad about the other night. I wanted to make it up to you.
[pause]
The Cable Guy : So what are you doing? Wanna catch a flick?
Steven Kovacs : Look, I appreciate you helping me out with Robin. But you have to understand. I'm going to have to work *extra* hard to not screw this relationship up again. You're a very nice guy, but I just don't have any room in my life for a new friend. Okay?
The Cable Guy : So, what are you trying to say?
Steven Kovacs : I don't want to be your friend.
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Steven Kovacs : Dammit. Son of a bitch! The cable's out.
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Steven Kovacs : What's going on?
Chip Douglas : It appears that we're going to do battle, Steven.
Steven Kovacs : Is this a normal part of the show?
Chip Douglas : No, but I gave all the knights free cable. They thought it would be cool if we went at it for a while.
Steven Kovacs : Is it safe?
Chip Douglas : Sure, that's what the armor's for. Come on.
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Steven Kovacs : You know, I'm embarassed to say this but I don't even know your name.
Chip Douglas : You really wanna know my name? You do?
Steven Kovacs : Sure.
Chip Douglas : [after pause] It's Ernie Douglas. But my friends call me Chip.
[Smiles at Steven]
Steven Kovacs : Um... Goodbye.
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Steven Kovacs : I hate you! Get out of my life!
Chip Douglas : He's projecting all of his anger onto me. Maybe I should go.
Robin Harris : No, don't go. Steven, you are being an asshole!
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[Steven is in jail]
Chip Douglas : Hello, Steven, I came as soon as I could.
Steven Kovacs : What's your real name?
Chip Douglas : It's Larry Tate, but that's not what's important right now. We have to get you out of here. I was watching Court TV and I found a loophole in your case. I'm gonna talk to the judge about a writ of Habeas Corpus. I'll put the SYSTEM on trial.
Steven Kovacs : Why are you doing this to me?
Chip Douglas : I didn't do this to you, you did this to you.
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[Steven has had enough playing "Porno Password" after being told the password is "clitoris"]
Steven Kovacs : I can't say that to my mother!
Steven's father : She can handle it.
The Cable Guy : It's just skin, Steven.
Steven Kovacs : I don't want to do it any more!
Steven's father : You're overreacting.
Steven Kovacs : No! You're all being fooled by him! He's not like this! H-He's a lunatic and a felon!
The Cable Guy : Whoa! Everybody just relax. We knew this would happen.
Steven Kovacs : Nothing is happening! Nothing is happening!
The Cable Guy : This is a safe place. You're with people who love you.
Robin Harris , Steven's father , Steven's Mother : We love you.
Steven Kovacs : I hate you! Get out of my life!
The Cable Guy : He's projecting all of his anger onto me. Maybe I should go.
Robin Harris : [to Cable Guy] No.
[to Steven]
Robin Harris : Steven, you are being an asshole!
Steven Kovacs : What?
The Cable Guy : Do you see what's happening? You're hitting bottom.
[Cable Guy gets up from the couch and starts moving towards Steven]
Steven Kovacs : You stay away from me!
The Cable Guy : This is where the healing begins. Come on. Come on!
[quickly leans in close to Steven and whispers]
The Cable Guy : Robin showed me the birthmark on her left shoulder. It's *very* sexy
[slurps with his tongue]
The Cable Guy : [Steven proceeds to deck him; the family members gather around him in shock]
The Cable Guy : [nursing his wound] Thank you for the delightful evening, everyone. I guess I'll be leaving now.
[to Steven]
The Cable Guy : I forgive you. I only hope my neurologist will feel the same.
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[the Cable Guy is speaking to Steven in prison over the phone; he puts his hand on the glass that is separating them]
The Cable Guy : I'm just here to comfort you. Touch it. You need human contact.
Steven : I will not touch it.
[the Cable Guy sets the phone down and begins unbuttoning his shirt]
Steven : What are you doing?
The Cable Guy : [shouting] I know how you're feeling right now!
Steven : [realizing what he's about to do] Don't do that.
The Cable Guy : [continuing to shout] I'm here for you!
[the Cable Guy jumps up next to the glass and tears away his shirt to place his chest against the glass]
Steven : Don't do that! You're gonna get me killed!
[a prisoner next to a horrified Steven looks over and makes a kissy face]
The Cable Guy : [whining] Oh, Billy...
[continues to moan and wail; then immediately drops the act]
The Cable Guy : I'm just messin' with ya.
[laughs hysterically]
The Cable Guy : Remember Midnight Express? Oliver Stone won the Academy Award for Best Adapted Screenplay. Awesome, awesome scene.
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[Chip slices the front of Steven's shirt open]
Steven : Chip, this isn't funny! Stop it!
Chip Douglas : The name is Spock. If we don't fight to the death, they'll kill us both.
Steven : This isn't Star Trek!
