Bean (1997)

Peter MacNicol: David Langley

Photos 

Quotes 

• David Langley : Why am I worried about this? You did it! All I gotta do is go tell 'em what happened. But they'll say, "Who left him alone with the picture?" And I'll say, "Me". And they'll say, "You're fired" and I'll say, "Fine". They'll say, "No, no, no, firing's not good enough. Let's prosecute you for negligence". I go to jail, my wife leaves me, my daughter becomes a prostitute, I wind up on death row sharing a cell with Butch McDick!

• David Langley : Well sir, an unorthodox start; but I never expected things with a man of your calibre to be normal. I must confess I've never actually read any of your work. Tell me doctor, what exactly is your position at the gallery?

  Mr. Bean : I sit in the corner... and look at the paintings.

  David Langley : Ach! That is brilliant! If only more scholars would do that, not lecture and write and argue, but just sit and look at the paintings themselves. Now that is brilliant.

• [after seeing what Bean did to the painting] 

  David Langley : Oh Jesus! Oh God! Oh Jesus! Mary mother Jesus of Nazareth!

• David Langley : I must admit, over the time you've been here, certain... suspicions have begun to gather in my mind. I'm going to be frank here... are you a doctor?

  Mr. Bean : ummm...

  [shakes head] 

  David Langley : okay number two, do you know anything about art. I mean... let me see... was Leonardo Da Vinci a famous American basketball player?

  [sniggers] 

  David Langley : [Bean looks confused, David's face drops] 

  Mr. Bean : ...yes

  David Langley : ...I see

  [brings his hand up to his face] 

• Lt. Brutus : He's a genius, huh?

  David Langley : That's what they tell me.

  Lt. Brutus : Well, he looks like a fruitcake to me.

• Bernice Schimmel : I genuinely believe that we could get Jon Bon Jovi.

  David Langley : Jon Bon Jovi? To unveil "Whistler's Mother"?

  Bernice Schimmel : Yes.

  David Langley : I've nothing against Jon Bon Jovi. The man has had two great hairstyles in the last ten years, which is an achievement not to be sniffed at. But so far as I know, Mr Jovi knows absolutely nothing about 19th-century Impressionism. At least he has not mentioned it in any of his recent songs.

• [David and Bean are outside the exhibition room; David is miserable] 

  David Langley : Say, do you drink, Bean?

  Mr. Bean : No.

  David Langley : Good, neither do I.

  [the two men head off to a bar] 

• David Langley : Doesn't it take, like, five hours?

  Mr. Bean : ...not... necessarily

• [Mr Bean and David are walking home drunk] 

  Mr. Bean , David Langley : [singing while intoxicated]  yow, row, row your boat, gently down the stream. If you see a crocodile, don't forget to scream.

  [Bean screams] 

  Mr. Bean , David Langley : Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream. If you see a crocodile, don't forget to scream.

  [both scream loudly when they approach the front door to David's house to find David's wife, Alison already home] 

• David Langley : Come on, everybody, it's gonna be great! Dr. Bean is a genius of the very highest order!

• [the Langleys have a conference about Bean's arrival] 

  Jennifer Langley : [in sarcastic tone]  You're kidding.

  David Langley : Come on, it's gonna be great! Let's say there's a chart of the most intelligent people you've ever met in your lives. Well, at number one with the bullet is Doctor Bean.

  [family sighs] 

  Kevin Langley : Kevin, you know how sometimes you ask me questions that I can't answer.

  Kevin Langley : Yeah Like "What is an intrauterine device"?

  David Langley : I think more like "What's the meaning of life?"

  Kevin Langley : I never asked you that.

  David Langley : That's fine. It doesn't matter! What I'm saying here is that Doctor Bean is a very remarkable man.

  David Langley : [to Jennifer]  Hey, for all you know, he could be very cute.

  [cuts to Bean standing in London raising his eyebrows at the camera] 

  David Langley : [cuts back to Jennifer] 

  Jennifer Langley : Come on, the guy's gonna be a creep. All Englishmen are ugly. I just look at Prince Charles and weep.

  David Langley : Okay, so he's gonna look like meatloaf's butt.

  Jennifer Langley : Yeah, and that's if we get lucky.

  [Jennifer prepares to leave the room] 

  David Langley : Jennifer, no one is asking you to marry him!

  Jennifer Langley : I don't know why we have these family conferences if Dad's already made up his mind.

  Alison Langley : Perceptive child.

  Kevin Langley : Hey, what's wrong with meatloaf's butt?

  David Langley : [stands up and shouts loudly across the room]  Oh, come on, everybody! It's gonna be great! Doctor Bean is a genius at the very highest order!

• David Langley : I've given my life to art and from here on in, the only art I will get anywhere near are the pictures I draw on the pavement hoping passersby will throw nickels in my hat. I guess the long on the short of it: I wish I'd never been born.

• David Langley : [looks very anxious as Bean speak up]  Don't talk to me, I'm try to think what I'm goin' to do.

  Mr. Bean : [speak up again]  Well...

  David Langley : QUIET!

  [Bean stop speaking] 

• David Langley : [after his family leave]  Yeah, well, well, there they go.

• David Langley : [frantically send the ruin painting back to the display room, relieve a bit, but suddenly hears the footsteps of Davidfrom the hallway, and he locked the door as soon as David tries to open the door, he dragged the big flowerpot to the door and blocked the door, just when David appeared from the next door]  There seems to have a problem with the...

  [spotted Bean tried to block the door, shocked and speechless] 

  David Langley : door.

  [spotted the painting disappeared] 

  David Langley : where's the picture gone?

  [Bean stammers] 

  David Langley : what, what, what, what?

  [Bean hesitate a bit, and revealed the painting with the head replaced from the cartoon face] 

  David Langley : Oh Jesus! Oh God! Oh Jesus! Mary mother Jesus of Nazareth!

  [locked all the doors] 

  David Langley : Why am I worried about this? You did it! All I gotta do is go tell 'em what happened. But they'll say, "Who left him alone with the picture?" And I'll say, "Me". And they'll say, "You're fired" and I'll say, "Fine". They'll say, "No, no, no, firing's not good enough. Let's prosecute you for negligence". I go to jail, my wife leaves me, my daughter becomes a prostitute, I wind up on death row sharing a cell with Butch McDick!

  [deranged] 

  David Langley : alright, stay calm, stay calm, okay, okay, give me one mo' time of lookin' at the painting

  [Bean shows it, David been deranged again] 

  David Langley : oh, god, oh god, oh GOD!

  [hide the painting inside the display case, and leave the room, very distress] 

  David Langley : Hey, do you drink, Bean?

  Mr. Bean : No.

  David Langley : Good, neither do I.

  [the two of them left and went to a bar] 

• David Langley : [after the ride ended]  Incredible! You set?

  [woke up Bean, who was sleeping throughout the ride and startled] 

  Mr. Bean : [spotted the motion simulator controller behind the curtain, called David back]  Why don't you get another tickets? could be more fun takin' second round.

  [David agreed, while Bean went off to tamper with the controller] 

  David Langley : [after a short while, David went back with a soft toy monster]  Okay.

  Mr. Bean : [giving warning]  Brace yourself!

  [the ride started and the ride wobbled wildly shook off the tourists and created a commotion] 

• Walter Merchandise : It's "Whistler's Sister."

  David Langley : Oh, you are kidding.

  Walter Merchandise : No, sir. We have a range for every member of the family. "Whistler's Mother's cookies." "Whistler's Father's beer mug." Here's a really cute one for the younger brother range. "Whistler's whistle." Just blow up her ass.

• [deleted scene; Mr. Bean has destroyed Whistler's Mother] 

  David Langley : Oh, God! Oh... God, oh, God! God, God, God!

  Mr. Bean : [getting an idea]  Wait. Wait. Wait.

  David Langley : What? Yes?

  [Mr. Bean takes a notepad and pen from his pocket and writes; David gestures to see the notepad; Mr. Bean has written "Do not enter" and shows it to David] 

  Mr. Bean : [points at the door]  Huh?

  David Langley : Excellent! It's fantastic! Problem is solved! Apart from the one tiny drawback that someone will eventually walk through that door. And the first thing they will say is, "Look! Someone has totally destroyed Whistler's Mother! LET'S KILL THEM"!

  [Mr. Bean stares back in shock] 

• [deleted scene; David enters the house with a towel draped around his waist; Mr. Bean cooks breakfast] 

  David Langley : What time is it?

  Mr. Bean : [stirs a saucepan]  Scrambled eggs, anyone?

  David Langley : No, thank you.

  [notices Kevin sitting at the kitchen table] 

  David Langley : Kevin?

  [approaches] 

  David Langley : Shouldn't you be getting to school?

  Kevin Langley : Yeah, I'm waiting.

  David Langley : [confused]  Waiting for what?

  [Mr. Bean sets orange juice down on the table] 

  Kevin Langley : For you to take me.

  David Langley : Y-your mother normally takes you to school?

  Kevin Langley : Yeah.

  David Langley : [shakes his head]  OK. OK, OK, come on, let's do it.

  [pours himself a cup of juice] 

  David Langley : This day of all days to be late. Day when I get to go to work and tell them Whistler's Mother now looks like Pinocchio's father.

  [leaves with his cup] 

  Mr. Bean : Ah! Toast?

  [flips two slices of toast on an oven rack and smells them; sighs happily] 

• Lt. Brutus : [upon escorting Langley to the hospital, gets out of the car to stop a carjacking]  Keep speeding, if you get a ticket, I'll tear it up!

  David Langley : Thank you.

  [drives on]