Liar Liar (1997)
Jim Carrey: Fletcher Reede
Photos
Quotes
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Greta : He knocked over another ATM. This time at knifepoint. He needs your legal advice.
Fletcher Reede : [picking up phone and shouting] Stop breaking the law, asshole!
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Max Reede : My teacher tells me real beauty is on the inside.
Fletcher Reede : That's just something ugly people say.
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[while hearing Mrs. Cole having sex on an audio cassette]
Fletcher Reede : Oh, come on! Your honor, how can it be proved that the male voice on that tape is not Mr. Cole himself?
Samantha Cole : [voice on tape] You are such a better lover than my husband!
Fletcher Reede : Your honor, I object!
Judge Marshall Stevens : And why is that, Mr. Reede?
Fletcher Reede : Because it's devastating to my case!
Judge Marshall Stevens : Overruled.
Fletcher Reede : Good call!
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Cop : You know why I pulled you over?
Fletcher Reede : Depends on how long you were following me!
Cop : Why don't we just take it from the top?
Fletcher Reede : Here goes: I sped. I followed too closely. I ran a stop sign. I almost hit a Chevy. I sped some more. I failed to yield at a crosswalk. I changed lanes at the intersection. I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and SPEEDING!
Cop : Is that all?
Fletcher Reede : No... I have unpaid parking tickets.
[opens glove compartment and groans when a wad of tickets pops out]
Fletcher Reede : Be gentle.
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Macho Attorney at Elevator : Hey, Fletcher, how's it hanging?
Fletcher Reede : [groans] Short, shriveled, and always to the left.
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Fletcher Reede : Mrs. Cole, is this a copy of your driver's license?
[shows paper]
Samantha Cole : That's right.
Fletcher Reede : It says here you are a blonde, are you? If you don't remember, perhaps Mr. Falk will.
Samantha Cole : Brunette.
Fletcher Reede : Maybe if we play the tape again, maybe it's on there...
Samantha Cole : I'm a brunette!
Fletcher Reede : Thank you. Now let's see... weight, 105? Yeah, in your bra.
Dana Appleton : Your honor, I object.
Fletcher Reede : You would!
Dana Appleton : Bastard!
Fletcher Reede : Hag!
Judge Marshall Stevens : QUIET! Overruled! Weight?
Samantha Cole : 118.
[Fletcher gives her a look]
Samantha Cole : Alright, fine, fine, I'm 127.
Fletcher Reede : Uh, huh, and it says here you were born in 1964, but that's not true either is it? Is it!
Samantha Cole : No.
Fletcher Reede : Please tell the court what's on your birth certificate under Date of Birth.
Dana Appleton : Your honor, I object. What does this have to do with anything?
Judge Marshall Stevens : Overruled. Mrs. Cole, answer the question.
Samantha Cole : 1965.
Fletcher Reede : Now let me get this straight. That means you lied about your age to make yourself older. But why would any woman want to do THAT?
Samantha Cole : I changed it so I could get married.
Fletcher Reede : AND THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE! My client lied about her age! She was only 17 when she got married, which makes her a minor. And in the great state of California, no minor can enter into any legal contract without parental consent.
[to Dana]
Fletcher Reede : Including...?
Dana Appleton : [sighs] Prenuptial agreements.
Fletcher Reede : Prenuptial agreements! This contract is void! The fact that my client has been ridden more than Seattle Slew is irrelevant. Standard Community Property applies and she is entitled to half of the marital assets, or $11.395 million. Jordan fades back, swoosh, and THAT'S THE GAME! Nothing further, your honor!
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[after sex]
Miranda : Mmmm, that was incredible. Was it good for you?
Fletcher Reede : I've had better.
[a disgusted Miranda throws a shocked Fletcher out of the office, tosses his clothes at him, and dramatically slams the doors]
Fletcher Reede : [to himself] I've had better?
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Judge Marshall Stevens : How are we this morning, Counselor?
Dana Appleton : Fine, thank you.
Judge Marshall Stevens : And how about you, Mr. Reede?
Fletcher Reede : I'm a little upset about a bad sexual episode I had last night.
[Shocked pause]
Judge Marshall Stevens : Well, you're young. It'll happen more and more. In the meantime, what do you say we get down to business?
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Fletcher Reede : You scratched my car!
Tow Yard Employee : Where?
Fletcher Reede : [indicating with his hands] Right there!
Tow Yard Employee : Oh... That was already there.
Fletcher Reede : You -- LIAR! You know what I am going to do about this?
Tow Yard Employee : What?
Fletcher Reede : Nothing! Because if I take it to small claims court, it will just drain 8 hours out of my life and you probably won't show up and even if I got the judgment you'd just stiff me anyway; so what I am going to do is piss and moan like an impotent jerk, and then bend over and take it up the tailpipe!
Tow Yard Employee : [tossing the keys to Fletcher] You've been here before, haven't ya?
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Fletcher Reede : Hi.
Lady in Elevator : Hi.
Fletcher Reede : New in the building?
Lady in Elevator : Yeah, I just moved in Monday.
Fletcher Reede : Oh! You like it so far?
Lady in Elevator : Everybody's been real nice.
Fletcher Reede : Well, that's because you have big jugs.
[the woman turns to face him, shocked at his words]
Fletcher Reede : I mean, your boobs are huge. I mean, I wanna squeeze 'em. Mama!
[Fletcher puckers up. The woman is then heard giving him a hard slap in the face. When the elevator doors open, Fletcher walks out holding his face in pain while the woman glares at him]
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[about Mr. Allen]
Miranda : Well, what do you think of him?
Fletcher Reede : He's a pedantic, pontificating, pretentious bastard, a belligerent old fart, a worthless steaming pile of cow dung, figuratively speaking.
[a moment passes and Mr. Allen starts laughing. The other board members follow his lead and start laughing also]
Mr. Allen : That's the funniest damn thing I've ever heard. You're a real card, Reede. I love a good roast! Do Simmons!
Fletcher Reede : Simmons is old! He should've been out of the game years ago but he can't stay home because he hates his wife! You've met her at the Christmas parties. She's the one that gets plastered and calls him a retard! And you, Tom, you're the biggest brown-nose I've ever seen! You've got your head so far up Mr. Allen's ass, I can't tell where you end and he begins!
Mr. Allen : [roaring with laughter] Priceless!
[Fletcher continues with every member]
Fletcher Reede : You have bad breath caused by gingivitis. You couldn't get a porn star off. Your hairpiece looks like something that was killed crossing the highway. I don't know whether to comb it or scrape it off with a shovel and bury it alive. Loser! Idiot! Wimp! Degenerate!
[to Miranda]
Fletcher Reede : SLUT!
Mr. Allen : I like your style, Reede! That's just what this stuffy company needs - a little irreverence!
Fletcher Reede : Good! I'll see you later, dick-head!
Mr. Allen : [Adressing one of his board members] Keep your eye on that boy, dick-head!
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Restroom Man : What the hell are you doing?
Fletcher Reede : I'm kicking my ass! Do you mind?
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Fletcher Reede : Your honor, would the court be willing to grant me a short bathroom break?
Judge Marshall Stevens : Can't it wait?
Fletcher Reede : Yes it can. But I've heard that if you hold it you could damage the prostate gland, making it very difficult to get an erection, or even become aroused!
Judge Marshall Stevens : Is that true?
Fletcher Reede : It has to be!
Judge Marshall Stevens : In that case I'd better take a quick break myself.
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Bailiff : I found him like this in the bathroom, your honor. Somebody beat the hell out of him!
Judge Marshall Stevens : Who did this?
Fletcher Reede : A mad man, your honor, a desperate fool at the end of his pitiful rope.
Judge Marshall Stevens : What did he look like?
Fletcher Reede : About 6'2", 180 pounds, big teeth, kinda gangly.
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Audrey Reede : Where were you?
Fletcher Reede : Having sex.
Audrey Reede : [bitterly] Well, I hope it was with someone VERY special!
Fletcher Reede : No, see - that's the thing. I don't even like her, but she's a partner and I thought I could help my career by making her squeal.
[Fletcher throws the phone away and drops to the floor in disgust]
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Fletcher Reede : [having farted in an elevator] It was me!
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Beggar at Office : Got any spare change?
Fletcher Reede : Absolutely!
Beggar at Office : Could ya spare some?
Fletcher Reede : Yes I could!
Beggar at Office : Will ya?
Fletcher Reede : [shakes his head] HMM-MMM!
Beggar at Office : How come?
Fletcher Reede : Because I believe you will buy booze with it! I just want to get from my car to the office without being confronted by the decay of western society! Plus I'm cheap!
[screams at himself as he runs off]
Beggar at Office : [yells at Fletcher] Jerkoff!
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Miranda : [coming up behind Fletcher] Fletcher.
Fletcher Reede : [shouts] Holy hell!
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Greta : Mr. Reede, several years ago a friend of mine had a burglar on her roof, a burglar. He fell through the kitchen skylight, landed on a cutting board, on a butcher's knife, cutting his leg. The burglar sued my friend, he sued my friend. And because of guys like you HE WON. My friend had to pay the burglar $6,000. Is that justice?
Fletcher Reede : No!
[Greta looks pleased, but then Fletcher continues]
Fletcher Reede : I'd have got him ten.
[Greta stalks off, appalled]
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Fletcher Reede : [Picks up a blue pen; to himself] Red... red... Alright, now focus.
[aloud]
Fletcher Reede : The color of this pen is ruh-ruh-ruh-ruh...
[laughs]
Fletcher Reede : This pen is reeeeeeeeeeehhh-
[pauses then announces dramatically]
Fletcher Reede : The color of the pen that I HOLD in my hand is rrrrr-rrroyal blue!
[falls into his chair exhausted]
Fletcher Reede : AHH! One lie and I can't say it!
[gets an idea; grabs a piece of paper]
Fletcher Reede : I'll write it!
[starts writing "This pen is - " but his hand shakes away involuntarily. His arm then swings around uncontrollably, knocking everything off his desk and wiggling in the air. Fletcher finally manages to grab his arm with his other hand and pin it to the desk with his knee]
Fletcher Reede : Write it! Write it or I'll break it off!
[Fletcher closes his eyes as his hand finishes writing the sentence. When he reopens his eyes, he discovers - to his horror - that the hand has written "blue!" on his desk]
Fletcher Reede : No! C'mon!
[His hand darts away to write "blue" again]
Fletcher Reede : Stop it!
[His hand automatically turns to point the pen at him and he wrestles it to the ground]
Greta : [enters the office] Boss? What happened?
Fletcher Reede : [rises from behind the desk with 'Blue' written all over his face] The pen is blue. The pen is blue! The goddamn pen is blue!
-
Judge Marshall Stevens : Mr. Reede, one more word out of you, and I will hold you in contempt!
Fletcher Reede : I hold *myself* in contempt! Why should you be any different?
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Fletcher Reede : I was hoping after being married to me you'd have no more strength left.
Audrey Reede : Well, you have to remember that when we were married, I wasn't having sex nearly as often as you were.
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Fletcher Reede : What is WRONG with me?
[monotonous]
Fletcher Reede : I'm getting what I deserve. I'm reaping what I sow. I'm...
[covers his own mouth]
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Fletcher Reede : You brought your kids to your divorce?
Samantha Cole : Sympathy.
Fletcher Reede : Well, it's working! I feel sorry for them already!
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Max Reede : Is wrestling real?
Fletcher Reede : In the Olympics, yes. On channel 23, no.
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Fletcher Reede : [Fletcher is trying to convince Greta to believe her about Max's wish] You don't believe me, do you?
Greta : Of course not.
Fletcher Reede : [laughs dryly] How ironic. Okay, ask me something you think I would normally lie about.
Greta : Alright. Remember, a few months ago, when I wanted a raise...
Fletcher Reede : Forget it. I don't wanna do this!
Greta : -and the company wouldn't give me one...
Fletcher Reede : Greta, PLEASE!
Greta : -so you said you wanted to give me one out of your own pocket, but it would create jealousy among the other secretaries. Now, was that true, or did you just not want to pony up the dough?
[Fletcher is speechless. Scene cuts to Greta packing her belongings]
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Van Driver : [after Fletcher cuts him off in traffic] What's your problem, schmuck?
Fletcher Reede : I'm an inconsiderate prick!
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Max Reede : If I keep making this face... will it get stuck that way?
Fletcher Reede : Nuh-uh. As a matter of fact, some people make a very good living that way.
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Greta : And your ex-wife called, she wants to know when you're coming to pick up your son.
Fletcher Reede : [remembers] Oh, I'm such a shit!
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[Fletcher is on the phone with his mother]
Fletcher Reede : [listens for a moment] Because I didn't want to talk to you!
[pauses, listening]
Fletcher Reede : Because you insist on talking about Dad's bowel movements; size, color, frequency. I'LL CALL YA LATER!
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Fletcher Reede : You had sex with her every time you met, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU? LIAR!
Dana Appleton : He's badgering the witness!
Judge Marshall Stevens : It's his witness.
Fletcher Reede : You slammed her! You dunked her donut! You gave her dog a Snausage! YOU STUFFED HER LIKE A THANKSGIVING TURKEY!
[Makes gobbling noises while pushing himself against the table]
Kenneth Falk : Alright! Alright, it's true, okay? I humped her brains out! There, now ya happy?
[awkward silence]
Fletcher Reede : No further questions.
-
Fletcher Reede : The pen is blue, the pen is blue, the goddamn pen is blue!
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Max Reede : Do the Claw to Mom, Dad! Do the Claw to Mom!
Fletcher Reede : Uh-oh. You've found the Claw's only weakness. Subzero temperatures!
[Splatting sound]
Audrey Reede : [sarcastically] So did you have any trouble finding the place?
Fletcher Reede : All right, I'm late. I ran outta gas! The gauge is broken. Rough neighborhood too. Good thing I was wearing neutral gang colors. Might've had to rip out my nine and bust a cap! My mind on my money and my money on my mind!
Audrey Reede : They'd never hurt you, Fletcher. You're their lawyer.
Fletcher Reede : Ooh. That was below the belt. Try to keep the gloves up.
Max Reede : Mom, Dad's taking me to see wrestling!
Audrey Reede : Ugh. Fletcher!
Fletcher Reede : Ugh. Audrey!
-
[Fletcher witnesses a kiss of greeting between his ex-wife and Jerry]
Fletcher Reede : Wow! That was a nice image...
[makes typing noise]
Fletcher Reede : *Deleted*!
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Fletcher Reede : [on phone] Hi! Judge Stevens, I'm scheduled to be in your courtroom in half an hour? Judge Stevens, I badly, BADLY need a continuance!
[pause]
Fletcher Reede : Ill? Am I ill? That is the perfect question for you to ask!
[to Greta]
Fletcher Reede : Greta, PLEASE LIE to him for me!
Greta : I remember when you bought me this antique silver frame from Tiffany's. TIFFANY'S?
Fletcher Reede : [in a high-pitched voice] Garage sale, six-fifty marked down from ten...
[Greta drops picture frame and it smashes]
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Fletcher Reede : Greta, please! I'm on my knees in a nine-hundred-dollar suit!
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Jane : Do you like my new dress?
Fletcher Reede : Whatever takes the focus off your head!
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Fletcher Reede : Mrs. Cole, the only problem here is that after you've provided years of faithful service and loving support raising his children - they are his?
Samantha Cole : Oh yeah. One for sure.
Fletcher Reede : After all that, your husband wants to deny you a fair and equitable share of the marital assets based on one single act of indiscretion.
Samantha Cole : Seven.
Fletcher Reede : [surprised] Beg your pardon?
Samantha Cole : Seven single acts of indiscretion.
Fletcher Reede : SEVEN! Acts of indiscretion, only one of which he has any evidence and all of which he himself is responsible for.
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Fletcher Reede : [after stealing a flight of stairs and getting injured at the airport] Audrey, great news! Both my legs are broken so they can't take me right to jail.
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Dana Appleton : You wanna play hardball? I'm game.
Fletcher Reede : [mockingly] Wanna play hardball? I'm game.
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Fletcher Reede : Max! It's 8:45, you made the wish at 8:15. I've been able to lie for the past half hour.
Max Reede : So you were - ?
Fletcher Reede : No! It was the truth. I just wanted to be honest with you, Max. I always want to be honest with you.
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Fletcher Reede : [outtake] Weight, 105. Yeah, in your bra!
Dana Appleton : Your Honor, I object!
Fletcher Reede : You would!
Dana Appleton : Overactor!
Fletcher Reede : Jezebel
[bursts out laughing]
Fletcher Reede : .
Dana Appleton : [points at director] He put me up to it! Tom Shadyac!
Fletcher Reede : Oh no, they're on to me!
-
[the lights turn on after Max makes a wish and blows out the candles]
Max Reede : Mom? Dad?
[Audrey and Fletcher are kissing. After they break away, they look at each other in surprise]
Fletcher Reede : [suspiciously] MAX? Did you wish for your mom and I to get back together again?
Max Reede : No. I wished for rollerblades!
Audrey Reede : [awkwardly, to Fletcher] Uh... wanna cut the cake... Dad?
Fletcher Reede : I would love to... but I have this horrible pain in my arm...
Audrey Reede : Oh no... run, IT'S THE CLAW!
Fletcher Reede : NOTHING CAN STOP THE CLAWWWW!
-
[the court erupts]
Judge Marshall Stevens : Order! Order! ORDER!
Fletcher Reede : [to crowd] Knock it off!
Judge Marshall Stevens : SIT DOWN!
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Fletcher Reede : Mr. Falk, would I be accurate, if I described your relationship with Mrs. Cole as totally professional? I OBJECT, Your Honor, and I move to strike!
Judge Marshall Stevens : Mr. Reede, I don't know what you're on, but you better get to the point, and quick!
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Pete : What's up, Fletcher?
Fletcher Reede : Your cholesterol, Fatty! Dead man walkin'!
Randy : Hey, Fletcher!
Fletcher Reede : Hey! You're not important enough to remember!
Zit Boy : What'll it be, Fletcher?
Fletcher Reede : A pock mark, eventually!
Greta : Mr. Reede?
Fletcher Reede : Don't ask! For God's sake, don't ask!
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Jerry : [pretends to hit Max] One, two three, four, five, and one for good luck!
Fletcher Reede : [to Audrey] He struck the child, did you see that?
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Fletcher Reede : Where would Tina Turner be right now if she'd rolled over and said, "Hit me again, Ike, and put some stank on it!"? Rollin' on the river, that's where she'd be. But she's beyond Thunderdome, because she decided to send a message?
[yells]
Fletcher Reede : Wake up, sisters! There is nooooooo such thing as a weaker sex!
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Fletcher Reede : [to Max] Why don't you go play in the office a minute. Sue someone for everything they've got. Maybe you send a fax to one of your girlfriends!
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Fletcher Reede : Is this guy right for you? I mean, he's just so, not me!
Audrey Reede : Yes, that's one of his best qualities.
Fletcher Reede : Yeah, but he's kind of, Magoo... I'm sorry.
Audrey Reede : You're wrong! I mean, sometimes, maybe yes, he is a little bit...
Fletcher Reede : Magoo!
Audrey Reede : Yes.
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Samantha Cole : I want my money. I am not going to end up a 31-year-old divorcée on welfare because my scumbag attorney had a sudden attack of conscience.
Fletcher Reede : [realizes] 31?
-
Fletcher Reede : Hey, creepy. Happy birthday. How old are you now? 22? 23?
Max Reede : I'm 5, Dad.
Fletcher Reede : Okay.
[pretends to write]
Fletcher Reede : Return the beer keg. Cancel the dancing girls.
-
Samantha Cole : You look like you're having a rough morning.
Fletcher Reede : [sarcastically] Ding ding ding! What do we have for her, Johnny?
-
Mr. Allen : [Fletcher is shaken by the court ruling and seeing Samantha Cole pull her children away from their father, and Mr. Allen congratulating him on his performance doesn't help] I love children! They give you so much leverage in a case like this. You did an incredible job, partner.
[Mr. Allen holds out his hand and Fletcher reluctantly shakes it. Mr. Allen misinterprets Fletcher's speechlessness for pleasant surprise and chuckles at Miranda]
Mr. Allen : Look at him. He's stunned; he can't believe it!
[Appalled at both himself and Mr. Allen, Fletcher breaks off the handshake and looks at his bosses in disgust]
Fletcher Reede : Your Honor, may I please approach the bench?
Judge Marshall Stevens : We're adjourned, Mr. Reede.
Fletcher Reede : Your Honor, I think we've made a big mistake.
Judge Marshall Stevens : Mr. Reede, I am tired and very cranky.
Fletcher Reede : I know, but this is just... WRONG, isn't it? I manipulated the system! Just because you bought it doesn't mean I'm right. It's a technicality!
Judge Marshall Stevens : Young man, having my judgement mocked in my own court is NOT something I'm prepared to tolerate!
Fletcher Reede : Well, maybe you can tell that to the kids when they're adopted by the Manson family!
Judge Marshall Stevens : [angered] One more word outta you, Mr. Reede, and I'll hold you in contempt!
Fletcher Reede : I HOLD MYSELF IN CONTEMPT! Why should YOU be any different?
Judge Marshall Stevens : Bailiff, take him away!
Fletcher Reede : [points to Mr. Cole] This man is a good father!
[glares at Miranda and Mr. Allen]
Fletcher Reede : And children are not leverage!
[as the bailiff manhandles him out of court]
Fletcher Reede : Oh, no, don't do this! l have a date to play ball with my son! I can't be late! It's my last chance! I'm Jose Canseco! I'm Jose Canseco!
-
Fletcher Reede : [having been charged a huge amount to get his car back, he reaches for an air freshener] I'm taking this!
-
Fletcher Reede : Are you marrying this guy because you're mad at me?
Audrey Reede : No - I divorced you because I was mad at you.
-
Audrey Reede : Do you know what your son was doing at 8:15 last night?
Fletcher Reede : No?
Audrey Reede : He was making a wish that for a whole day, his father couldn't tell a lie.
Fletcher Reede : [Realizing] Oh, my God, that's it!
-
Judge Marshall Stevens : I understand both parties have agreed to joint custody, is that correct?
Dana Appleton : Yes.
Fletcher Reede : Yes.
Samantha Cole : No! I'm contesting custody.
Fletcher Reede : What?
Samantha Cole : If I get sole custody of the kids, that's another 10 grand in child support payments.
Fletcher Reede : [dismayed] You just won $11 million!
Samantha Cole : Hey! I'M the victim here! You said it yourself. Now I'm gonna hit it where it hurts.
Fletcher Reede : [whispers] But... you said he was a good father.
Samantha Cole : [coldly] So?
[Fletcher stares at her in shock]
Judge Marshall Stevens : Well Mr. Reede, do we have an agreement on custody or not?
Fletcher Reede : [quietly and sadly] No.
Judge Marshall Stevens : [also sadly] I see. In that case, there will be a custody hearing on the 19th at 9 AM. Court is adjourned.
-
Lawyer on Courthouse Stairs : Hey, Fletcher, how'd it go in there?
Fletcher Reede : Just another victory for the wrongly accused.
Lawyer on Courthouse Stairs : Yeah, right.
-
Fletcher Reede : Maximus, I'm outta here.
Max Reede : Bye, Dad.
Fletcher Reede : [to Jerry] Jerry, enjoy my wife.
-
[Audrey pays off Fletcher's tickets for his impounded car]
Fletcher Reede : Thank you! I can't tell you how much this means to me!
Audrey Reede : I can: $1654.11.
Fletcher Reede : [yelling at attendant] HOW DO YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT?
-
Fletcher Reede : [outside of Max's school] See, Max, I have to lie. Everybody lies. Mommy lies. Even the wonderful Jerry lies.
Max Reede : But you're the only one who makes me feel bad.
-
Fletcher Reede : [after Fletcher steals a flight of stairs and gets injured at the airport, Audrey comes over to check on him] Audrey!
Audrey Reede : Fletcher!
Fletcher Reede : Great news! Both my legs are broken so they can't take me right to jail.
Audrey Reede : Fletcher, what were you doing? Are you out of your mind?
Fletcher Reede : [sits up] No! I'm thinking clear. I've NEVER been this clear.
Max Reede : [approaches] Dad?
Fletcher Reede : [smiles] Creep. I was getting kind of upset.
Max Reede : Are you all right?
Fletcher Reede : Yeah.
[points to his heart]
Fletcher Reede : But I'm hurting here though. I'm a dope, Max. All this time you've been here and I could see you anytime I felt like it but I didn't. Then your mom told me you were moving to Boston and I started thinking. I could be sitting around sometime; I wanna look at you and hold you and play with you. And I wanna be able to. I don't think I'm gonna do too well with that. I love you more than anything else in the world, Max. And you know it's true! I couldn't say it if it wasn't true. Not today. I love you. And I'll NEVER hurt you again.
[gently wipes a tear off Max's cheek with his thumb]
-
Judge Marshall Stevens : Afternoon, Counselors. Are we ready to begin?
Fletcher Reede : No, sir! We are NOT ready to begin, because my client has not arrived!
[Samantha and children enter]
Samantha Cole : [to children] Hurry up! Move it!
Fletcher Reede : [singing to the tune of Mighty Mouse] Here she comes to wreck the daaaay!
Judge Marshall Stevens : MISTER Reede!
Fletcher Reede : Sorry, Your Honor!
-
Publicist : Mr. Reede, do you have a moment?
Fletcher Reede : I'm sorry, I'm very late. It's my day to be with my son.
Publicist : A couple of reporters want to talk to you about your big win today.
Fletcher Reede : Oh, yeah? How's my hair?
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Skull : [after being acquitted] Mr. Reed, great job. Say, do you want your coat back?
Fletcher Reede : No, I'm sure you'll be needing it again.
[to himself]
Fletcher Reede : And again.
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Fletcher Reede : [with his female boss on his lap, sexually attacking him] Listen, I'm really sorry, but I just... I just can't make it. The boss is REALLY ridin' me!
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Max Reede : Mom, Dad's takin' me to see wrestling!
Audrey Reede : Ugh! Fletcher!
Fletcher Reede : Ugh! Audrey!
Audrey Reede : Well, why do you have to take him to see that stuff? It's very violent!
Fletcher Reede : The boy must grow to be a warrior!
[Both grimace and grunt]
-
Fletcher Reede : Any calls?
Greta : Judge Rawlins' clerk, he needs your filing.
Fletcher Reede : Tell him it's in the mail.
Greta : Right, you'll do it next week. Mr. McKinley phoned to confirm your meeting tomorrow.
Fletcher Reede : Strep throat. No, some kind of virus. What's going around?
Greta : Asian flu?
Fletcher Reede : Good one.
Greta : And your mother called.
Fletcher Reede : I'm on vacation.
Greta : It's your fifth week.
Fletcher Reede : Snowed in. Phones are down.
Greta : Break mother's heart. Done. Oh, that's it. Except Miranda is looking for you.
Fletcher Reede : [groaning] How much ass do I have to kiss to make partner in this damn place?
[unknown to him, she walks in behind him]
Fletcher Reede : Tell her I broke my leg and I had to be shot.
Greta : [seeing her] Why don't you tell her yourself?
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Zit Boy : [with a huge zit on the end of his nose] Just taking lunch orders, Mr. Reede. Anything?
Fletcher Reede : No, thanks. I had so much for breakfast, I'm just about ready to pop. I mean, I'm full.
-
Audrey Reede : Are you still picking Max up from school today?
Fletcher Reede : Here's the thing. I really can't. I had a case I was certain would settle, and it didn't, and I have to go to court this afternoon.
Audrey Reede : Right.
Fletcher Reede : It's true! I really want to see Max today!
[to himself, realizing he means it]
Fletcher Reede : How about that? I really do.
-
Fletcher Reede : [asking Max to undo his birthday wish] Now, do whatever you did last night, only this time, make it an unwish.
Max Reede : [blowing the candle on the cake out] I did it.
Fletcher Reede : Excellent! Now I just need a little test.
[seeing an attractive teacher nearby, he goes over to talk to her, and she promptly slaps him in the face]
Max Reede : [he comes back] Did it work?
Fletcher Reede : Not like I'd hoped. Did you unwish it?
Max Reede : [nodding] Only...
Fletcher Reede : What? Only what?
Max Reede : Yesterday, when I wished it, I really meant it. This time when I unwished it, I only did it 'cause you told me to.
-
Audrey Reede : I just had an insight into myself. I'm crazy. You call me up and say, "Wait right there, I'll be right over," and here's the crazy part, I actually wait.
Fletcher Reede : I can explain this, though.
Audrey Reede : I have missed a department meeting. I have... did you come here in a cab?
Fletcher Reede : Yes!
Audrey Reede : Where's your car?
-
Fletcher Reede : Audrey, you can't go. This is not fair.
Audrey Reede : Fair? Oh, okay, let's define fair, shall we? Last night, a five-year-old boy was crushed because his father lied to him about coming to his birthday party. Fair?
Fletcher Reede : Last night...
Audrey Reede : Was none of my business.
Fletcher Reede : Thank you.
Audrey Reede : None of my business. Two years ago, it was my business. But, see, I don't have to care about that anymore. I don't care. That's the magic of divorce. But it matters to Max! Everything you do matters to Max and everything you don't do.
Fletcher Reede : All right, now let me tell you something. I'm a bad father! I mean...
[realizing it's true]
Fletcher Reede : I'm a bad father.
Audrey Reede : You're not a bad father, when you show up.
-
Max Reede : [shows his baseball glove] Look at what Dad got me.
Jerry : Wow, great. Hey, you know what, I have my glove in the car. Maybe we could stop at the park on the way home and play catch. Then tonight we can rub oil in it and wrap a big rubber band around it. It'll be great.
[to Fletcher]
Jerry : Hey, great gift, Dad.
Fletcher Reede : [sarcastically] Thanks, Son.
[to Audrey]
Fletcher Reede : I'm so glad my gift could bring those two together. My plan to phase myself out is almost complete.
