A Life Less Ordinary (1997)

Ewan McGregor: Robert

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Quotes 

• Celine : So you're telling me that successful relationships... are made in heaven? Notfounded on the daily practicality... of two people being prepared... to tolerate the imperfections of one another?

  Robert : It's not successful relationships, Celine. It's love. And it comes from a strange and wonderful place... that we don't know about.

  Celine : So you also reject the idea... that love is merely an emotional adaptation... to a physical necessity?

  Robert : Completely.

  Celine : Are you serious?

  Robert : Fate intervenes in people's lives. In ours, for instance. Fate brought us together. It kept us together. We were destined for one another.

  Celine : Fate had a pretty strange way of making its point.

  Robert : But that's part of the beauty of it. It's inexplicable, unpredictable... and absolutely beyond control or understanding.

  Celine : But you nearly got killed.

  Robert : But I didn't... and here we are.

  Celine : Do you have any substantial evidence to back all this?

  Robert : None at all.

  Celine : And you realize that it's absurd and irrational?

  Robert : I know that.

  Celine : Then why do you believe it?

  Robert : Because, Celine, I'm a dreamer.

  Celine : Well, I guess that makes two of us.

  Robert : Are you ready?

  Celine : As I'll ever be.

  Robert : Then let's go.

• Robert : Are you taking me to a hospital? Because I don't want to die in a hospital.

  Celine : I'm not going to take you to a hospital.

  Robert : WHAT? What do you mean you're not taking me to a hospital? I demand to be taken to a hospital!

• Celine : I'd like to make a withdrawal.

  Robert : I thought we agreed there'd be no cliches.

• Robert : Right you asshole, I've got your daughter here, and I'm gonna send her back in pieces if... OH! I'm sorry, madam. No, I haven't got your daughter here, I've got someone else's. No, we're not married. Yes, I've read the same thing, it's very hard to find suitable young men these days. Well, I'm sure your daughter's very nice, in principle I've got no objection to meeting her...

  [Celine hangs up the phone] 

  Robert : What is the problem?

• Jackson : What the hell did you do to her?

  Robert : I punched her in the face.

  Jackson : Oh, you punched her in the face. She's half your size and you punch her in the face?

  Robert : She had a gun!

  Jackson : Oh, she had a gun! So that makes everything all right, does it?

  Robert : No, I'm not saying it makes everything all right. I'm just trying to explain to you that for all I knew, she could have been a karate expert or something.

  Jackson : With a broken arm? WITH A BROKEN ARM?

  Robert : O.K., I'm sorry.

• Al : Nice-looking woman.

  Robert : She isn't my type.

  Al : What are you talking about? Look at yourself. You're nothing. You're nobody. You're wanted in connection with a violent crime. You're cleaning the floor of a diner. She is an intelligent, passionate, beautiful, rich woman. The issue of whether or not she's your type is not one that you're likely to have to resolve in this world... or, indeed, the next, since she will be going to some heaven for glamorous pussy, and you will be cleaning the floor of a diner in hell.

  Robert : I guess so.

  Al : So why are you even thinking about it?

• Tod : Do you think that I'd talk to a dog? Do you think I'd ask a dog whether you're good or evil? What do you think I am? Some kind of crazy backwoods lunatic with a barn full of human skulls and a scythe that I sharpen every day in readiness for Armageddon?

  Robert : No, no, not at all, I'm sure you're just a regular kind of guy.

  Tod : Right, I'm regular, I am a regular man. I want... but that's not the point! The point is, who are YOU? WHO ARE YOU?

• Robert : Right, you daughter! I have your asshole here!

• O'Reilly : We can do this with or without violence, it's up to you. The client pays our medical bills but not yours. Well?

  Robert : Oh, without, please.

• Robert : And don't ask where I'm going.

  Celine : Don't even imagine that I care.

  Robert : Exactly the problem!

• Robert : Why are you such a pain to be with?

  Celine : Because you tied me to a chair all night.

• Celine : Remember what they didn't teach you at Harvard Business school.

  Robert : I didn't go to Harvard Business school!

  Celine : That's a figure of speech, Robert.

• Robert : Of course it's obvious, guys, it's a trash novel. You buy it at the airport, you take it on holiday.

• Robert : [practicing his ransom demand]  Right, you asshole, I've got your daughter here, and I'm gonna cut her up, and post her home to you in boxes! *Small* boxes!

• Robert : You... you're going to kill me?

  Jackson : Yeah.

  [Robert cries hysterically] 

  Robert : Well then I don't see why I should dig!

  Jackson : If you dig, I promise you when the time comes I'll shoot you through the head.

  [Robert laughs bitterly] 

  Jackson : Now look, you don't like that? I can just shoot you through the testicles right now, you can bleed to death, I'll dig the grave, it's up to you.

• Celine : What's wrong?

  Robert : What's wrong, you crazy bitch, is I thought you were gonna shoot me! THAT'S what's wrong!

• Robert : I'm writing a novel myself, a lot of people say that, but in my case it's true.

• Celine : Look, they weren't trying to kill you. They were trying to confuse you, and scare you.

  Robert : Yeah, before they killed me.