Men in Black II (2002)
Tommy Lee Jones: Kay
Photos
Quotes
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[about the driver-shaped airbag]
Kevin Brown/K : Does that come standard?
Agent J : Actually it came with a black dude, but he kept getting pulled over.
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Agent J : Wait, what are you doing?
Kevin Brown/K : I always do the driving.
Agent J : Oh, no...
Kevin Brown/K : I remember that.
Agent J : No, what you remember is that you used to drive that old busted jawn. See, I drive the new hotness.
[pointing at Kay]
Agent J : Old and busted.
[pointing at himself]
Agent J : New hotness.
[Kay looks at Jay for a second, then J hands the keys over]
Agent J : Old, busted hotness...
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Agent J : [after K shoots Jeebs in the head after being ejected from Jeebs' deneuralyzer] You're back.
Kevin Brown/K : No.
Agent J : Then how did you know that his head would grow back?
Kevin Brown/K : [surprised] It grows back?
Jeebs : [as his head grows back] Real nice! But that's the last time I help out a friend!
Agent J : Kay, do you remember anything?
Kevin Brown/K : Goodbye.
[walks away]
Agent J : Kay!
Jeebs : K, wait! I never got the updated software!
[to J]
Jeebs : Still workin' off the 6.0.
[to K]
Jeebs : Your brain needs to reboot! Give it a minute.
Agent J : Kay!
Jeebs : From the bottom of my heart, Jay, I'm really sorry. I hope this doesn't affect our friendship. All those years of loyalty, trust, and respect for one another.
[Serleena's minions sent to retrieve Kay burst in. Jay takes cover]
Jeebs : [pointing at Jay] Right over there!
Corn Face : Where's Kay?
Jeebs : He's not here! He went...
Agent J : [blows Jeebs' head off] Kay is officially retired! I'm his trigger happy replacement! Something I can do for you gentlemen?
Jeebs : [as his head grows back] Oh, great! Right in the piehole! Now nothing's gonna taste right!
Pineal Eye : Lower your weapon!
Agent J : No!
[the Mosh Tendrils jumps from behind Jay and throws him to the Corn Face alien, who throws Jay to the ground]
Scrad : Jay, how are you, boo-boo? Look, these guys really need Kay.
Agent J : He's a neutral!
Scrad : Tell me something we don't know.
Charlie : [popping out of Scrad's backpack] Yeah, tell me something we don't...
[sneezes]
Charlie : I'm so sorry.
Pineal Eye : God bless you.
Charlie : Thank you.
Scrad : Look, if I don't bring Kay back to MIB, Serleena's gonna kick my ass. Now, where is he?
Agent J : Where's who?
Corn Face : You don't look too good.
Agent J : [punches the Corn Alien's mask off] And you look like crap!
[the Pineal Eye and Dog Crap alien laugh]
Agent J : [referring to the Dog Crap alien] I take that back. HE look like crap.
Pineal Eye : [continues to laugh, but stops] BEND HIM!
Scrad : Bend him.
Agent J : Oh, damn, wait. Nah, don't bend him.
[the Corn Face alien picks up Jay and starts bending him]
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Newton : A neuralize...
Agent J : [neuralizes Newton] Ok. First, get some contact lenses, 'cause those joints look like they could pick up cable. Second, take her to Cambodia, get her a lobster dinner. Pay more than a dollar. Third, the second y'all get back from Cambodia, move your bum ass outta your mom's house. Boy, you like 40 years old.
Kevin Brown/K : Agent J?
Agent J : All right, all right. Oh, and there ain't no such thing as aliens or Men in Black.
[J leaves]
Newton : You wanna go to Cambodia?
Hailey : Yeah.
Newton : Hey, Mom?
[picks up a shovel]
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Jeebs : You remember me?
Kevin Brown/K : Can't say I do. I'm pretty good with faces,
[Points at Jeebs's nose]
Kevin Brown/K : I think I'd remember that.
Jeebs : [Chuckles] The great K is a neutral.
Kevin Brown/K : You're standing between me and my memories, pal. You have this deneuralyzer thing or not?
Jeebs : Mmm, no. Brushed out.
[J and K stare at him]
Jeebs : Can't help you.
[They continue staring]
Jeebs : Don't got it...
[J and K continue to stare. Jeebs cracks]
Jeebs : Even if I did... If it doesn't work, K dies, you blow my head off! If it does work, I brought back K who, just for the fun of it, blows my head off! So, what's MY incentive?
[K points his gun at Jeebs' head]
Jeebs : [weak laugh] Okay homey, I keep it downstairs next to the snowblower.
[K smiles, satisfied]
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Agent K : You did not see a room full of shiny weapons, you did not see four alien night crawlers. You will love and cherish each other for the rest of your life.
Agent J : Which could be the next 27 or 28 minutes, so y'all should get to lovin' and cherishin'. Oh, and she gets to stay up as late as she wants and have candy and cookies and cake and junk and stuff...
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[after Jay shows Kevin/Kay that every other employee in the post office is an alien]
Kevin Brown/K : The wife and I went to Vegas and saw Siegfried and Roy make a pair of white tigers fly around the room. Your act's nothing special, slick.
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[last lines]
Agent Kay : How ya doing?
Agent J : Good.
Agent Kay : Listen, we've all been there. The girl is gone and it hurts. Wanna talk about it?
Agent J : No.
Agent Kay : I can help.
Agent J : No.
Zed : [walks into the room] Still sulking?
Agent Kay : [at the same time as J] Yeah.
Agent J : [at the same time as K] No.
Zed : You miss her, it happens to all of us. There was this young, hot thing I knew once. When our bodies were intwined, in the positions of the Kamasutra...
Agent J : Zed! Come on, man! Damn!
Frank the Pug : [walks in] I'll tell you about dames. They say they wanna be scratched behind the ears, but what they REALLY want is...
[growls]
Agent J : Hey! Come on...
Frank the Pug : What? Still sitting shiva? Want my advice?
Agent J : No. No advice.
[to Kay]
Agent J : No talking.
[to Zed]
Agent J : Hell no! Fellas, I swear, I'm fine.
[opens his locker]
Grand Central Station Locker Creatures : All hail J! All hail J!
Agent J : [closes his locker] Why did you put them rats in my locker, man?
Agent Kay : I thought it would put things in perspective for you.
Agent J : No, K, it's actually kind of sad, really. We need to let them out of there. I mean, they need to know that the world is bigger than that.
Agent Kay : Still a rookie.
[Kicks open a door to a room filled with gigantic aliens]
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Agent J : Look, I know you're a little scared. And I'm gonna keep it real with you, I'm a little scared too.
Kevin Brown/K : I'm not scared.
Agent J : Me neither. I just thought we was bonding.
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Agent J : Kid? While you were off licking stamps I saved the world from a Crelon invasion.
Kevin Brown/K : The Crelons are the Backstreet Boys of the universe. What'd they do, throw snowballs at you?
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Agent J : [takes Kevin/K into the Deneuralizer room] The Deneuralizer. In a few moments, transverse magneto energy will surge through your brain, unlocking information hidden deep and dormant that could hold the key to Earth's very survival.
Kevin Brown/K : Okay.
[pointing at the deneuralizer]
Kevin Brown/K : What's that thing?
Agent J : The deneuralizer...
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Agent J : Just about everybody who works in this post office is an alien.
[Opens up the aail sorter, revealing that there is an alien with a cigarette sorting the mail inside]
Kevin Brown/K : [takes the cigarette out of the alien's mouth] No smoking!
[moves off, the alien puts another cigarette in his mouth and continues to sort the mail]
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Serleena : You lost, you insignificant little speck! You wasted 20 years of my time, and for what? The complete destruction of the Zarthas, all because you went mushy!
Agent K : I'm giving you one last chance to surrender, you slimy Kylothian invertebrate.
Serleena : Oh, what are you gonna do?
Agent K : Not me, him...
Agent J : [behind Serleena] Your flight's been cancelled!
[blasts Serleena]
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Kevin Brown/K : [he and Jay are at a locker at Grand Central Station; Kay doesn't know what's in the locker] You're not gonna slow me down on this, are you?
Agent J : Slow you down? Who's brain's working on our data software?
Kevin Brown/K : Why don't you go grab us some coffee while I do this?
Agent J : Oh, sure thing. How do you take it? Black? Couple cubes of kiss-my-ass?
Kevin Brown/K : I don't know what's in there. I don't want you to get hurt. So step back.
Agent J : Kay, for real man, open the damn locker.
[Kay opens the locker to find a "town" of small creatures]
Grand Central Station Locker Creatures : K, he's back! The light giver! All hail K! All hail K! Oh K can you see by the dawn's early light...
Agent J : [looks inside the locker in disbelief] You are the man who would be king of the train locker.
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Agent J : [Looking at the picture of K and the pizza guy] All right. You're pointing at something.
[looks around]
Agent J : Excuse me.
[notices an astronaut picture]
Agent J : The astronaut.
[goes to the astronaut picture]
Agent K : [notices a key hanging where the picture points] Jay?
Agent J : [looks at the astronaut picture] Alright, now he's pointing. He like, he like.
[goes to the ovens, seeing pizza boxes stacked like a diamond shape]
Agent J : Who would stack pizza boxes like this? A pizza box stacker who is not stacking pizza boxes; he's leaving clues. It's an arrow.
Agent K : Jay...
Agent J : You're slowing me down slick. Whatever we're looking for is in these cabinets right here!
[opens up the cabinets and takes out a can of anchovies]
Agent J : Anchovy fillets in virgin olive oil!
Agent K : [looks at the can of anchovies dubiously and takes the key] I hope I'm not slowing you down.
Agent J : Good work, partner.
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Agent J : Whoo! Flushed! Yeah, man, back when you was an agent, you used to love gettin' flushed. Yeah, every Saturday night, you'd be like "flush me, J! Flush me!" and I'd be like "Naw... " You can't quit on me now, K.
Kevin Brown/K : I save the world, you tell me why I stare at the stars.
Agent J : Cool.
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Agent J : Didn't your mother ever give you a Gameboy?
Kevin Brown/K : WHAT is a Gameboy?
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Kevin Brown/K : [shows a self-portrait with a UFO in the background] Look at that, weird huh?
Agent J : [hands it back] Yeah, you're smiling.
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Agent K : [to Laura] You're just as beautiful as your mother...
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Agent J : [leading Kay into a room] The tech unit. The most advanced technologies from all over the universe are in this room.
Kevin Brown/K : What's this?
[Pokes his finger into a suspended sphere of water]
Tiny Alien : [a massive finger is looming out of the sky] All is lost! All is lost!
Agent J : Don't touch that!
Kevin Brown/K : [takes his finger off the sphere] I didn't do anything.
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Agent J : [walks up to K, who is now the postmaster of Turro, Massachusetts at a post office; K's name tag reads "Kevin Brown"] '' Kevin. Heh. Wow. Kevin. That's funny. You just don't have a "Kevin"... You don't remember me, but we used to work together.
Kevin Brown/K : I never worked in a funeral home. Something I can do for you, Slick?
Agent J : Okay. Straight to the point.
[whispers in a serious voice]
Agent J : You are a former agent of a top-secret organization that monitors extraterrestrials on Earth. We're the Men in Black. We have a situation, and we need your help.
Kevin Brown/K : There's a free mental health clinic at the corner of Lilac and East Valley. Next!
Young Girl at Post Office : Excuse me.
Agent J : Hey.
Young Girl at Post Office : 20 Rugrats stamps, please.
Kevin Brown/K : Elizabeth. The United States Postal Service hasn't quite kept up with today's youth, but I can offer you some Berlin airlift stamps.
Young Girl at Post Office : No.
Kevin Brown/K : Opera legends?
Young Girl at Post Office : No.
Kevin Brown/K : American Samoa?
Young Girl at Post Office : No.
Kevin Brown/K : Amish quilts?
Young Girl at Post Office : No.
Agent J : [moves Elizabeth over] I'm sorry, sweetie. Got a world to save here.
[turns back to K]
Agent J : There was no coma. It was all a cover-up.
Kevin Brown/K : Who are you?
Agent J : The question is, who are you?
Kevin Brown/K : I'm the postmaster of Truro, Massachusetts, and I'm ordering you to leave these premises.
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Kevin Brown/K : We are who we are... even if we sometimes forget it.
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Agent K : Kid?
Agent J : Yeah.
Agent K : Thanks for bringing me back.
Agent J : No problem.
[about Laura being Princess Laurana's daughter]
Agent J : Why didn't you tell me?
Agent K : Would you have let her go?
[they blast Seerlena out of the sky with their space guns]
Agent J : So what's it like on the outside? Not doing this every day?
Agent K : It's nice. Sleep late on the weekends. Watch the Weather Channel. I did miss this city.
Agent J : So Laura is Princess Laurana's daughter. Did y'all...
Agent K : MIB's a mess. Let's go, kid.
Agent J : Let's go? Thousands of people in New York and New Jersey just saw our little event. Plan needs to be thought out. Plan needs to be cool.
[K puts on his sunglasses]
Agent J : What you...?
[as he puts on his sunglasses, K activates a giant neuralyzer in the torch of the Statue of Liberty]
Agent K : Kid, I'll get you trained yet.
Agent J : I want one of those.
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Agent Kay : [after saving J from an alien ambush] Looks like you were in a pretty tight spot, kid.
Agent J : I had this one handled.
Agent Kay : You need a partner.
Agent J : I had one; job got too tough for him.
Agent Kay : I'm back. You got some dust on your coat.
Agent J : So, you got your memory back.
Agent Kay : Yes.
Agent J : What the hell's going on?
Agent Kay : Don't know.
Agent J : Okay, what is the Light of Zartha?
Agent Kay : Never heard of it.
Agent J : Cool.
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Agent J : Breach! We're being flushed.
Kevin Brown/K : Flushed?
Agent J : Yep. Ever been to a water park?
Kevin Brown/K : I don't know.
[stars holding his breath, water comes in, and Kay holds it's breath]
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Kevin Brown/K : [J Arrives at a Post Office] Good people of Truro, Massachusetts, may I kindly have your attention? In order to facilitate your shipping needs, I'd like to remind you that all packages must be properly wrapped.
[Holds up a wrapped box]
Kevin Brown/K : This one is an example of "Go home and do it again." I think you know what I mean, Mrs. Vigushin. Brown paper and triple-twist twine are the preferred media. Thank you for your time.
Agent J : [Coming up to the counter] K.
Kevin Brown/K : C. Express mail, two-day air.
Agent J : [Looking at K's name tag] Kevin? Kevin, that's funny. You don't have a "Kevin".
[K looks at J blindly]
Agent J : You don't remember, but we worked together.
Kevin Brown/K : I never worked at a funeral home. Something I can do for you, slick?
Agent J : Okay, uh, straight to the point. You were a former agent of a top-secret organization that monitors extraterrestrials on Earth. We are the Men In Black, we have a situation, and we need your help.
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Agent Kay : [he, J, and the worms have arrived at MIB headquarters to rescue Laura] Get to the launch pad on the roof. The bracelet shows the departure point. And no matter what happens, do not come back for me. That's an order.
Agent J : What do you mean?
Agent Kay : Do not come back for me.
Agent J : Worm guys, give me some cover fire.
Worms : Too scared. Can't move.
