Matt Stone: Kyle Broflovski, Kenny McCormick, Saddam Hussein, Terrance Henry Stoot, Ticket Taker, Jimbo Kearn, Gerald Broflovski, Bill Gates, Additional Voices
Photos
Quotes
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Cartman : You guys, this is all Kyle's mom's fault.
Kyle : Shut up, Cartman.
Cartman : Kyle's mom is the one that started that damn club and all because she's a big fat stupid bit...
Kyle : Don't say it, Cartman.
Cartman : Well...
Kyle : Don't do it, Cartman.
Cartman : Well...
Kyle : I'm warning you!
Cartman : Okay, okay.
Kyle : I'm getting pretty sick of him calling my mom a...
[gasps]
Cartman : Well... Kyle's mom's a bitch, she's a big fat bitch, she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world, she's a stupid bitch if there ever was a bitch, she a bitch to all the boys and girls.
Kyle : Shut your fucking mouth, Cartman!
Cartman : On Monday she's a bitch, on Tuesday she's a bitch, on Wednesday through Saturday she's a bitch, then on Sunday just to be different she's a super king kamehameha bee-otch! Come on, you all know the words. Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom? She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world, she's a mean old bitch and she has stupid hair, she's a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch. Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch, she's a stupid bitch! Kyle's mom's a bitch and she just a dirty bitch. Talk to kids around the world, it might go a little bit something like this.
[sings the song in four different languages]
Cartman : Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom? She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world, she's a mean old bitch and she has stupid hair, she's a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch!
[Mrs. Broflovski turns up, the children gasp and Cartman doesn't notice]
Cartman : Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch, she's a stupid bitch!
Stan : Uh, Cartman?
Cartman : Kyle's mom's a bitch and she just a dirty bitch. I really mean it, Kyle's mom... She's a big fat fucking biiitch! Big old fat fucking bitch, that mom... Yeah! Chaa!
[the children stare at Cartman]
Cartman : What?
[Cartman turns around seeing Mrs. Broflovski]
Cartman : Oh... Fuck!
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Cartman : [to Kyle] Don't call me fat, you fucking Jew!
Mr. Garrison : Eric, did you just say the F-word?
Cartman : Jew?
Kyle : No, he's talking about "fuck". You can't say "fuck" in school, you fucking fat ass!
Mr. Garrison : Kyle!
Cartman : Why the fuck not?
Mr. Garrison : Eric!
Stan : Dude, you just said "fuck" again!
Mr. Garrison : Stanley!
Kenny : Fuck!
Mr. Garrison : Kenny!
Cartman : What's the big deal? It doesn't hurt anybody. Fuck-fuckety-fuck-fuck-fuck.
Mr. Garrison : [angrily] How would you like to go see the school counselor?
Cartman : How would you like to suck my balls?
[the whole class gasps]
Mr. Garrison : [furiously] What did you say?
Cartman : I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Actually, what I said was...
[Cartman picks up a megaphone]
Cartman : HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO SUCK MY BALLS, MR. GARRISON?
[Mr. Garrison is so furious that no word comes out of his mouth]
Stan : Holy shit, dude.
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[person speaking German on "cliteris" website]
Kyle : Dude, it's a lady getting pooed on!
Stan : Whoa! Is it Cartman's mom?
Cartman : Oh, very funny!
Kyle : Hey! It IS Cartman's mom!
Mrs. Cartman : [man speaking German on computer] All righty then!
Cartman : SON OF A BI...
[shocks]
Cartman : AHHH!
Ike : [bounces in] Ba ba ba ba.
Kyle : Get out of here, Ike. You're too young for this stuff!
Ike : Bullshit.
Stan : What's she doing now?
German : Essen meine scheisse.
Mrs. Cartman : Okey-dokey!
Kyle , Stan , Cartman : [they see something gross] AWWWWWW!
Stan : [pukes] Click it off, dude, click it off!
[Kyle clicks it off]
Stan : Dude, what the fuck is wrong with German people?
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Saddam Hussein : Let's start by building a big statue of me, right over there where that fat kid is standing.
Cartman : Hey, don't call me fat buttfucker!
[rays shoot from malfunctioning V-chip and kill a demon from hell]
Stan : Do it Cartman! Do it!
Cartman : Damn! Shit! Respect my fuckin' authoritayyy!
[shocks Saddam]
Saddam Hussein : You need to watch your mouth, brat.
Cartman : Dog-shit taco!
Saddam Hussein : Quick Satan! Do something!
Cartman : Try this on for size... Blood drenched frozen tampon popsicle!
Saddam Hussein : Hey, buddy! I know I was mean before. But don't worry - I can change!
Cartman : OK... not! Fuck, shit, cock, ass, titties, boner, bitch, muff, pussy, cunt, butthole, Barbra Streisand!
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Cartman : Hey dudes!
Kyle : What's the matter Cartman?
Cartman : It's this V-Chip, I hate it! I can't say any dirty words
Kyle : Really? So you can't say Fuck?
Cartman : No!
Kyle : And you can't say Shit?
Cartman : No!
Kyle : So you can't say I'm Eric Cartman the Fattest fucking piece of Shit in the world?
Cartman : FUCK YOU!
[gets shocked by the V-chip]
Cartman : AHHH!
Kyle : Ewwww... Sweet!
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Terrence : Well, fuck my ass and call me a bitch.
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[singing]
Stan : What would Brian Boitano do if he was here right now? / He'd make a plan and follow through, that's what Brian Boitano'd do!
Kyle : When Brian Boitano was in the Olympics skating for the Gold, / he did two salchows and a triple lutz while wearing a blindfold!
Cartman : When Brian Boitano was in the Alps fighting grizzly bears / he used his magical fire breath and saved the maidens fair!
Stan , Kyle : So what would Brian Boitano do if he were here today? / I'm sure he'd kick an ass or two, that's what Brian Boitano'd do!
Cartman : I want this V-chip out of me. / It has stunted my vocabulary.
Kyle : And I just want my mom to stop fighting everyone.
Stan : For Wendy I'll be an activist too, / 'cause that's what Brian Boitano'd do!
Stan , Kyle , Cartman : And what would Brian Boitano do? He'd call all the kids in town / and tell them to unite for truth, that's what Brian Boitano'd do!
[intermission]
Stan , Kyle , Cartman : When Brian Boitano traveled through time to the year 3010, / he fought the evil robot king and saved the human race again!
Cartman : And when Brian Boitano built the pyramids he beat up Kublai Khan!
Stan , Kyle , Cartman : 'Cause Brian Boitano doesn't take shit from anybody! / So let's call all the kids together / and unite to stop our moms. / And we'll save Terrance and Philip too, 'cause that's what Brian Boitano'd do! / And we'll save Terrance and Philip too, 'cause that's what Brian Boitano'd do! / 'Cause that's what Brian Boitano'd do!
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Army General : [shouting] You told us that windows 98 would be faster, and more efficient with better access to the internet!
Bill Gates : It IS faster! Over five million...
[General shoots Bill Gates and everyone cheers]
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Chorus : [singing] Shut your fucking face, Uncle Fucker. You're a boner biting bastard, Uncle Fucker.
Terrence : You're an uncle fucker, I must say.
Phillip : Well you fucked your uncle yesterday.
Terrance, Phillip : Uncle Fucker. That's U-N-C-L-E FUCK YOU! UNCLE FUCKAAAAHH...
Phillip : Suck my balls.
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Satan : How come you always want to make love to me from behind? Is it because you want to pretend I'm somebody else?
Saddam Hussein : Satan, your ass is gigantic and red. Who am I going to pretend you are, Liza Minelli?
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[to Phillip]
Terrence : This is worse than the time when I fell asleep and you put your dick in my mouth and took a picture.
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Mr. Mackey : I want to know where you heard all this horrific obscenities, m'kay?
Kyle : Nowhere.
Stan : We heard them from Mr. Garrison a few times before.
Mr. Mackey : Boys, I seriously doubt that Mr Garrison ever said: "Eat penguin shit, you ass spelunker".
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Kyle : WUUUUaaahh! WUUUaaaaahhhhh!
Soldier : Hey, you hear that? Sounds like a giraffe's dying over there!
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Saddam Hussein : Ya like that, don't ya, bitch?
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The Mole : Hold me.
[coughs]
The Mole : There is no hope now, you must get out of here.
Kyle : We can't leave without you!
The Mole : It's okay, I'm done for.
Kyle : No! We can't leave without you! We don't know where the hell we are!
The Mole : Were is your God when you need him, huh? Where is your beautiful, merciful faggot now?
[coughs]
The Mole : Here I come, God. Here I come, you fucking rat.
The Mole : [singing] Now the light, she fades... and darkness settles in... but I will find strength...
Kyle : No, Mole, hang on...
The Mole : [singing] I will find pride within...
Kyle : We'll get you home...
The Mole : [singing] Because although I die...
Kyle : I can't face my mother...
The Mole : [singing] Our freedom will be won...
Kyle : Not alone!
The Mole : [singing] Though I die... La Resistance lives... on... BLECHHHHH!
[dies]
The Mole : [dramatic music starts]
Kyle : [cutting the orchestra off suddenly] SHIT!
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Chef : [singing] Everything worked out what a happy end. Americans and Canadians are friends again. So let's all join hands and knock oppression down.
Cartman , Kyle , Stan : Don't you know our little lives are now complete?
Mrs. Cartman , Sheila Broflovski : 'Cause Terrance and phillip are sweet.
Sheila Broflovski : Super sweet.
everyone : Thank God we live in this quiet, little pissant, redneck, podunk, jerkwater, greenhorn, one-horse, mudhole, peckerwood, right-wing, whistle-stop, hobnail, truck-driving, old-fashioned, hayseed, inbred, unkempt, out-of-date, white trash...
Cartman , Kyle , Stan : Kick-ass!
everyone : Mountain... town!
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Eric Cartman : I had to ride my bike here. My behind is killing me.
Kyle : Your "behind"?
Eric Cartman : I have to say "behind" because I get shocked if I say "ass".
[VChip activates]
Eric Cartman : AGH!
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[the boys have just watched an edited version of "Asses of Fire" and are leaving the theater with the other kids, past the ticket booth again]
Kyle : Man, this movie gets better every time I see it!
Ticket Taker : Hey!
Cartman : Yeah, but you know what? That whole part about lighting farts is bullshit. You can't do that.
Kenny McCormick : [muffled] Yeah, you can!
Cartman : [stops and turns] No way.
Kenny McCormick : [muffled] Yes you can. You can *too* light a fart on fire.
Cartman : Okay, Kenny. I'll bet you a hundred dollars you can't light a fart on fire.
Kenny McCormick : [muffled] Yes you can. Check it out.
[he lights his fart on fire and laughs; his parka suddenly erupts in flames and he screams in horror; the boys are shocked]
Stan : Holy shit, dude!
Cartman : Ah! Oh my God! Hey!
[begins beating Kenny with a stick]
Cartman : Aw, shit! Aw, shit!
Stan : [steps forward and yells] Help! Somebody do something!
[he steps back and the stick lights up]
Cartman : Aahh! This stick is on fire!
[an ambulance rushes up and stops, but a Russell's Salt truck rushes up and bumps it away; the truck bed lifts up at the front end and dumps the salt on Kenny; if the fire was injury, this is insult]
Kenny McCormick : [muffled] Ooowww!
[the ambulance siren dies and the salt doesn't move; the boys stare at the truck]
Stan : Oh my God, you killed Kenny!
Kyle : You bastard!
Cartman : Wow, I guess you *can* light a fart on fire, huh?
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Terrence : [after singing and a few seconds of silence] Suck my balls
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Saddam Hussein : [singing] Some people say that I'm a bad guy, they may be right, they may be right. But it's not as if I don't try, I just fuck up, try as I might. But I can change, I can change! I can learn to keep my promises I swear it. I'll open up my heart and I will share it. Any minute now I will be born again! Yes, I can change, I can change, I know I've been a dirty little bastard. I like to kill, I like to maim, yes, I'm insane, but it's okay, cause I can change! It's not my fault that I'm so evil. It's society, society. You see my parents were sometimes abusive, and it made a prick of me! But I can change, I can change. I can learn to keep my promises I know it. I'll open up my heart and I will show it, any minute now I will be born again!
Satan : But what if you never change? What if you remain a sandy little butt-hole?
Saddam Hussein : Hey Satan, don't be such a twit. Mother Theresa won't have shit on me!
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Stan Marsh : Dude, dude, wake up!
[Kenny does so and gets dressed]
Stan Marsh : Kenny, come on!
Kenny McCormick : [muffled] Coming!
Stan Marsh : Kenny! The new Terrance and Phillip movie is out! You wanna come with me?
Kenny McCormick : Yeah, dude! Come on, let's go, quick...
[They walk away...]
Kenny's Mom : [appears at the door] Where'd you think YOU'RE going?
Kenny McCormick : We're going to the Terrance and Phillip movie.
Kenny's Mom : You can't, you gotta go to church.
Kenny McCormick : But mom, I really wanna see this movie!
Kenny's Mom : Fine. You go ahead and miss church. And then, when you die and go to hell, you can answer to Satan!
Kenny McCormick : ...Okay!
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Satan : Saddam, could I talk to you over here for a second? I don't see why you have to belittle me in front of people like that.
Saddam Hussein : Relax guy.
Satan : Sometimes I think you don't have any respect for me.
Saddam Hussein : Come here, guy. Who's my cream puff?
Satan : I am.
Saddam Hussein : That's my baby!
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Jimbo Kearn : Oh boy, military action, Ned, we're gonna kill us some goddam Australians!
Ned Gerblanski : I think we're fighting Canadians.
Jimbo Kearn : Canadians, Australians, what's the difference?
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Satan : You have spilt the blood of the innocence, now begins 2,000,000 years of darkness!
Chef : [sarcastically] Oh, good job, Mrs. Broslofski! Thanks a lot!
Sheila Broslofski : [innocently] I was just trying to make the world a better place for children!
Saddam Hussein : Yeah, and brought enough intolerence in the world to allow my coming. Now everyone bow down to me!
[the Canadians and Americans do so]
Saddam Hussein : [laughs] Yeah!
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Terrence : Well, Phillip, I hope you've learned something from this whole experience.
Phillip : I sure have, Terrance. I've learned that you are a boner-biting, dick-fart, fuck face.
Terrence : [they laugh] Wanna see the northern lights?
[strikes a match, farts, burns up]
Phillip : Ha ha ha. You burned yourself to death by lighting your fart. Ha ha ha.
Terrence : I sure did, Philip!
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Terrence : You don't eat or sleep or mow the lawn/ You just fuck your Uncle all day long!
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Satan : Saddam, I need to talk to you
Saddam Hussein : Ah, you'd better get packing, bitch, we're running out of time.
Satan : [sighs] sometimes you can love someone very much, but still know they aren't right for you.
Saddam Hussein : What the *fuck* are you talking about?
Satan : You treat me like shit, Saddam! I'm leaving you!
Saddam Hussein : What? No? No! You can't do that! I have to go to Earth!
Satan : You don't even have any respect for me.
Saddam Hussein : Sure I do, guy, please, just hear me out
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Saddam Hussein : [torturing Kenny] Yeah Yeah, men, this is getting me so hot. Rub my nipples while I torture this little piggy
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Satan : [singing] What if you remain a sandy little butthole?
Saddam Hussein : [singing] Hey, Satan, don't be such a twit / Mother Teresa won't have shit on me.
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Saddam Hussein : [to the military] You're all really fucked now!
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Eric Cartman : More people will come if they think we have punch and pie.
Kyle : [typing] Punch and pie.
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Sheila Broflovski : Nooo!
[shoots Terrence and Phillip with a gun]
Kyle : Holy shit, dude!
Sheila Broflovski : Young man, you watch your mouth.
[blood oozes out of Phillip's body]
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Kyle : You are all just a bunch of ass-ramming uncle fuckers!
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Saddam Hussein : Hey Satan, I got some new luggage for our trip up to Earth. Let's fuck to celebrate.
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Stan : We're "La Resistance," we want to save Terrance and Phillip and stop the war and stuff.
The Mole : I can't help you. I'm grounded in my room for the next three days.
Kyle : So are we. Our parents think we're home right now.
Stan : Why are you grounded?
The Mole : Why? Because God hates me, that's why. He has made my life miserable. So I call him a cock-sucking asshole, and I get grounded.
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Satan : The time of prophecy is upon us!
Saddam Hussein : I love when you get all biblical, Satan! You know exactly how to turn my crank.
Satan : No, I'm being serious!
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Cartman : You should've seen Kyle when his mom showed up. He was scared out of his mind.
Kyle : Shut up, Cartman!
Cartman : No dude, I'd be scared too, your mom is a fucking bitch.
Kyle : Don't call my mom a bitch, you fat fuck!
Cartman : Don't call me fat you buttfucking son of a bitch!
Chef : Whoa, children! Where did you learn to talk like that?
Cartman : It's pretty fucking sweet, huh?
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Kyle : Ok. Let's try this one more time. Ready, Ike? Kick the baby!
Ike Broflovski : Don't kick the baby.
Kyle : Kick the baby!
[Kicks Ike through a window, causing it to shatter]
Sheila Broflovski : Ike! You broke ANOTHER window! That's a bad baby! Baaaaaad baby!
Stan Marsh : Kyle, we're going to see the Terrance and Phillip movie!
Kyle : Oh my god, dude!
Sheila Broflovski : Kyle! Where are you going?
Kyle : Uuh, we're going ice-skating.
Sheila Broflovski : Well take your little brother with you.
[Ike bounces up to Kyle]
Kyle : Aww, come on, ma! He's not even my real brother. He's adopted!
Sheila Broflovski : DO AS I SAY, KYLE!
Kyle : Ok, ok, I'm sorry!
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Big Gay Al : Well, that's all the acts we have for you tonight, so let's just get on with the execution.
Stan : Oh, no! We have to stall him.
Kyle : More! More!
American Soldiers : Yeah, more!
Big Gay Al : Oh, you big sillies. You want to see more of me?
Stan : Yeah! Big Gay Al! Big Gay Al!
American Soldiers : Big Gay Al! Big Gay Al!
Big Gay Al : Well, I do have a little song I wrote about the war, oh, but we haven't rehearsed.
Stan : Sing it!
American Soldiers : Yeah, sing it!
Big Gay Al : Oh, I can't.
Kyle : Sing the fucking song!
Big Gay Al : Well all right, if you insist. I'll sing my song. I believe it goes a little bit like this...
[start to sing "I'm Super, Thanks for Asking"]
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Terrence : You don't eat, or sleep, or mow the lawn. You just fuck your Uncle all day long.
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Satan : [Satan and Saddam Hussein emerge from Hell into South Park] My time has come!
Saddam Hussein : You are really fucked now!
General : It's Saddam Hussein! Shoot him!
[Soldiers open fire as bullets bounce off Saddam, who doesn't sustain any injuries]
Saddam Hussein : HAHAHAHAHA! What a dumbass!
