The Story of Us (1999)

Rob Reiner: Stan

Quotes 

• Stan : Love is just lust in disguise, and lust fades, so you damn well better be with someone who can stand you.

• Stan : Fear is the main motivation for everything. That and guilt, are the two emotions that keep a society humming.

• Stan : My ass was on television this morning.

  Dave, Ben's Literary Agent : What are you telling us?

  Stan : I'm telling you my ass was on television.

  Dave, Ben's Literary Agent : Oh, that's right. That was that special. "The Kennedy Center Salutes 50 Years of Stan's Ass."

  Stan : I went to the doctor, he took this tube that had a camera on the end of it, stuck it up my ass, and we watched it on a monitor in his office.

  Ben : You had a sigmoidoscopy.

  Stan : Exactly.

  Dave, Ben's Literary Agent : That's a lot different than your ass being on television.

  Stan : How?

  Ben : Well, first of all, a network can't cancel your ass.

  Stan : Point well taken.

  Ben : Plus, I don't know what kind of demographics you hope to be knocking down with that big, hairy crack winkin' at you.

  Dave, Ben's Literary Agent : All right. All right, gentlemen. We're in a public place. Do you think we could elevate the level of conversation?

  Stan : Fine with me.

  Dave, Ben's Literary Agent : Good. I jerked off to your secretary last night. I hope you don't mind.

  Stan : Why should I mind?

  Dave, Ben's Literary Agent : I don't know. I just wanted to make sure it was all right so I could forage ahead with a clear conscience.

  Stan : Pound away.

  Dave, Ben's Literary Agent : You're a good friend.

• Stan : So, what's going on with you and Charlene?

  Dave, Ben's Literary Agent : Had a great night last night.

  Stan : You still claim you're not cheating.

  Dave, Ben's Literary Agent : Yeah, I maintain that with every fiber of my being. Online sex is not cheating.

  Stan : How do you figure? It's 3:00 in the morning, your wife and kids are sleeping upstairs, and you're downstairs in your den fucking some bimbo in cyberspace.

  Dave, Ben's Literary Agent : Okay. First of all, we're not fucking. We're typing. And second of all - and this is me taking umbrage - Charlene is not some bimbo.

  Ben : You're right. She's probably a stockbroker named Ralph pretending to be some bimbo named Charlene.

  Dave, Ben's Literary Agent : Why would you piss on something so beautiful?

  Ben : What did I say?