American Pie (1999)

Eugene Levy: Jim's Dad

Photos 

Quotes 

• Jim's Dad : [talking about masturbation]  It's like banging a tennis ball against a brick wall, which can be fun. It can be fun, but it's not a game.

  Jim : Right.

  Jim's Dad : It's not a game.

  Jim : No.

  Jim's Dad : What you want is a partner to return the ball.

• Jim's Dad : [On Condoms]  Well, they're safer than a tube sock...

• Jim's Dad : [Jim's Dad just caught Jim masturbating into the pie his mom cooked]  We'll just tell your mother that... we ate it all.

• Jim's Dad : I have to admit, you know, I did the fair bit of

  [hesitates] 

  Jim's Dad : masturbating when I was a little younger. I used to call it "stroking the salami", yeah, you know, "pounding the old pud".

  [pause] 

  Jim's Dad : I never did it with baked goods, but you know your uncle Mort, he pets the one-eyed snake 5-6 times a day.

• Jim's Dad : [to Jim]  Now, do you know what a clitoris is?

• [last lines] 

  Jim's Dad : Sweetheart!