Family Guy (1999– )
Mila Kunis: Meg Griffin, Bank Teller, Elizabeth, Mary Ellen, Meg Griffin as Donkey, Meg Griffin as Giant Space Slug, Meg Peterson, Mila Kunis, Popular Kid #1, Prostitute, UCLA Admissions Representative, Women in Bathroom Stall #3
Photos
Quotes
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Glen Quagmire : Hi, Meg. Eighteen yet?
Meg Griffin : No.
Glen Quagmire : [Turns to Chris] Hey Chris, how's it going?
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Stewie Griffin : Mother, I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint: it's in my diaper and it's not a toaster.
Lois Griffin : Meg, can you change Stewie?
Meg Griffin : Fine, but this time if a boy calls, please don't tell him I'm wrist deep in poopy.
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Meg Griffin : Guess what I am.
Stewie Griffin : Hmm, let me see. The end result of a drunken backseat gropefest and a damaged prophylactic?
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Chris Griffin : See, my dad's smarter than yours.
Meg Griffin : We have the same dad, lardo.
Chris Griffin : Yeah, but mine's smarter.
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Chris Griffin : You should invent the frisbee! The frisbee is an awesome toy!
Meg Griffin : The frisbee's already been invented.
Chris Griffin : Then how come I've never heard of it?
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Lois Griffin : Meg, put your bib on.
Meg Griffin : I don't want to wear a bib.
Lois Griffin : Meg, honey, it's very cold in here. Maybe you'd be more comfortable with your bib on.
Peter Griffin : She means your nipples are sticking out.
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Lois Griffin : Meg... is that a real Prada bag? How did you make $1100 as a waitress in a week?
Meg Griffin : It's easy... when you're the unwed teenage mother of a crack-addicted baby. Ha ha ha ha...
Peter Griffin : Whoa, whoa, whoa, Meg. When did you become a teenager?
Lois Griffin : Peter, she's sixteen.
Peter Griffin : You KNEW about this?
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Meg Griffin : Chris, change the channel. I want to watch George Lopez
Chris Griffin : That show just furthers the stereotype that George Lopez is funny!
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[Chris hunts Meg with a "bogger" on his finger and tries to smear it in her face]
Meg Griffin : Chris, cut it out! Brian, Chris just picked his nose and he keeps touching me with his finger!
Chris Griffin : What good is mining "nosegold" if I can't share it with the townspeople?
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Meg Griffin : I finally get my driver's license and the car gets taken away, how ironic.
Peter : Meg, don't talk to your mother that way, she is not an iron.
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Meg Griffin : Mom, you can't get a job. The last time you left Dad alone in the house he turned it into a giant puppet.
[Scene switches to Peter yelling in a megaphone while moving the roof of the house up and down]
Peter Griffin : Hey. Hey. Stay out of here. Hey. You better not come in here. I'm the Griffin's house. Bring me a tool shed, for I am hungry.
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Cleveland : You can stay with us, Meg, I just hope you don't mind that my uncle died in the guest bedroom.
Meg Griffin : I guess that's OK. When did he die?
[opens the bedroom, a dead body is lying on the bed]
Cleveland : We think it was some time between the Tonight Show and the Today Show.
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Meg Griffin : Somebody's in the closet!
Jeff Foxworthy : You know you're a redneck when your gun rack has a gun rack on it.
Stewie Griffin : You suck!
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Lois Griffin : Kids, stop fighting or we won't go to McDonalds after church.
Meg, Chris : MOM!
Peter Griffin : OK, we can go... but you can't supersize.
Chris Griffin : Awwwwwwwwwww...
Peter Griffin : OK, you can supersize but no apple pie.
Meg Griffin : Oh, come on.
Peter Griffin : OK, you can have an apple pie but you can't blow on it.
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Meg Griffin : I wish Chris would quit drawing pictures of my head on a pig's body.
Chris Griffin : [shouts] Don't censor me!
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Meg Griffin : [irate after being replaced on a Griffin Family reality show] How could you let them replace me?
Peter Griffin : Believe me, Meg, it was better than Plan B.
[Cut to the operating tent from M*A*S*H]
Peter Griffin : [Brian walks in] Brian, put a mask on!
Brian Griffin : I have an announcement: The plane carrying Meg Griffin was shot down over the Sea of Japan. It spun in. There were no survivors.
Stewie Griffin : [enters wearing a dress] Who do I see about a Section Eight?
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Meg Griffin : I want to be a vet when I grow up.
Peter Griffin : Meg, we have been over this before. You are going to gain 150 pounds and write Ugly Betty Fan Fiction.
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Meg Griffin : You could kill all the girls who are prettier than me.
Death : Well that would just leave England.
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Meg Griffin : Oh. Oh, this is just my bird calls.
Peter Griffin : Do it again! Do it again!
[Meg whistles, Big Bird's footsteps approached]
Big Bird : Yeah? Well, what'd you want?
Meg Griffin : Uh...
Big Bird : You called me, right?
Meg Griffin : Oh, no, no I wasn't calling you.
[laughs nervously]
Big Bird : Oh, oh, this is funny to you? Y-yeah? Y-you know what pain in the ass is to get across town this time a day, huh?
Peter Griffin : Listen, uh, but mister we don't want any trouble here.
Big Bird : I don't fly you know. I take the subway like everybody else. Oh and people don't stare. You made me puke,
[spits]
Big Bird : bitch.
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Meg Griffin : You should go with him. This will be your chance to be alone with dad.
Chris Griffin : I'm not attracted to dad.
Meg Griffin : No, tell him you don't want to be in the scouts anymore.
Chris Griffin : OH.
Meg Griffin : Yipes.
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Chris Griffin : Hey Meg, I'm thinking of a word, and this time it's definately not "kitty". Can you guess?
Meg Griffin : Is it kitty?
Chris Griffin : Ahhhh! Get out of my head! Get out of my head!
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Meg Griffin : Chris! You're hogging all the fans!
Chris Griffin : Oh yeah? Well you're hogging all the UGLY!
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Chris Griffin : I wanna get Barbara a really nice gift, What kind of gifts have boys gotten for you Meg?
Meg Griffin : Oh... well, my boyfriend Prince William got me this beautiful watch and this diamond tiara and this wonderful scepter...
[Meg laughs manically then breaks down sobbing]
Stewie Griffin : She needs to get laid big time!
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Meg Griffin : I made flag girl!
Stewie Griffin : Oh, you made flag girl. Great.
[pause]
Stewie Griffin : Now you can be somewhere else when the boys don't call.
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Brian Griffin : I guess anything's better than looking at your smelly face!
Meg Griffin : Mom!
Lois Griffin : Now honey, your face smells fine.
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Meg Griffin : Mom! Mom! Chris found a jar in the basement with a hand in it!
Chris Griffin : I'm gonna plant it and see if a human grows!
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Glen Quagmire : [Quagmire slowly peeks out at Meg's slumber party] Oh, come on! You girls are boring the crap out of me! You know what I'm going to do? I... I... I'm going to go home and watch a dirty movie now! It's all this mindless chattering is what it is!
[he leaves]
Meg : Wow, that was weird. Hey, you wanna compare breasts?
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Meg Griffin : You could kill all the girls who are prettier than me.
Death : Well, that would just leave England.
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Lois Griffin : Well, good riddance Christian Camp!
Meg Griffin : Though, I have to say Chris seemed to enjoy himself.
Lois Griffin : Well, Chris is a bit dumb, and while you're not beautiful or popular, you do have a head on your shoulders. So for people like you and me, Religion is no good, but for idiots like your brother, it's okay.
Chris Griffin : What are you guys talking about?
Lois Griffin : How handsome you are!
Chris Griffin : Aw! Really?
Lois Griffin : Swear to God!
[winks at Meg]
Meg Griffin : You're a monster!
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Meg Griffin : Mom!
Chris Griffin : Hahahaha! Nipples!
Meg Griffin : That's it! I want those cameras off!
Chris Griffin : Fourth wall, you're breaking the fourth wall!
Lois Griffin : Meg, you're the one that got us on TV in the first place.
Meg Griffin : Well now, I am getting us off TV.
[leaves angrily]
Meg Griffin : I quit!
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Peter Griffin : We're going to grandpa Griffin's retirement party.
Meg Griffin : But we haven't seen grandpa in a long time.
Lois Griffin : Well, Meg your grandfather isn't comfortable with me since I'm not a catholic.
[Flashback to Peter and Lois's wedding where a sign on their car reads "Just Married" and spray painted underneat the sign reads "To a prodastant whore]
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Meg Griffin : Dad, if I don't get my driver's license, I'll never have any boyfriends, I'll never get married and I'll have to adopt a kid like Rosie O'Donnell.
Peter Griffin : Meg... are you implying that Rosie O'Donnell can't drive?
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Meg Griffin : Mom, there's no way I'm sleeping in Chris's room this weekend. It smells like old milk in there!
Chris Griffin : Hey, if I could find it, I'd clean it up.
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Meg Griffin : Can you please teach me how to drive?
Brian Griffin : Meg, you might want to find a better driver then Peter.
Peter Griffin : What are you talking about? I'm a great driver.
Brian Griffin : Oh, yeah. Remember your trip to the Southwest.
[flashback]
Roadrunner : Meep Meep.
[Peter's car runs over him]
Brian Griffin : Oh my God. Did I just hit that ostrich?
Wile E. Coyote : No.
Peter Griffin : Are you sure?
Wile E. Coyote : Yeah. Keep going.
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Meg Griffin : Yeah, why are we here in this bomb shelter when I could be getting felt up by Kevin?
Lois Griffin : Now don't give it to him all at once, honey, make him work for it.
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Meg Griffin : Can I be in the play, Mom?
Stewie Griffin : Oh yes, you can be the dumpy teenage girl who cries backstage because no one finds her attractive.
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Meg Griffin : How could you embarrass me like that? Nobody better pull this kind of crap at my slumber party tonight.
Lois Griffin : Don't worry, honey. You and your friends are gonna have a great time.
Stewie Griffin : Yes. How delightful it will be. A pubescent herd of gabby wretches prattling on about boys and music and jellybeans and stickers.
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Lois Griffin : [on Meg's shoulders] Just a little higher, honey.
Meg Griffin : Mom, I don't think I can...
[sinks]
Girl : Who's holding Lois?
Boy : Some guy named Mel.
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Meg Griffin : [Her sleeping pills have been switched for Alka-Seltzers] People are gonna miss me when I'm BUUUUUURP!
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Meg Griffin : Turn it, Chris. I want to watch George Lopez.
Chris Griffin : That show only furthers the stereotype that George Lopez is funny.
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Peter Griffin : All right, as a Rich Dad I will now expect you to compete for my attention while I remain cold, distant and unimpressed.
Chris Griffin : Well, Dad, I came second in the School Boat Race.
Peter Griffin : Sounds like another Dad out there is happier than me...
Meg Griffin : I got an article in the School Newspaper.
Peter Griffin : That is because I had it arranged.
Chris Griffin : I was thinking of joining the Army.
Peter Griffin : No, Meg, as a girl your life has no inherent worth. Now I'm going to gaze at an expensive piece of scrimshaw. Proud sons of New Bedford all. Ah, that's good scrimshaw.
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Meg Griffin : But I thought being Gay wasn't a choice?
New Friend : Well, not for boys!
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Peter Griffin : Right Meg, I have here the eight hours of Monty Python that are neither funny nor memorable!
Monty Python : I have a pet hedgehog, Zippy, and when I take him for a walk I go Ping, Ping, Ping!
Meg Griffin : [tied to chair] I'm a girl! I don't even like the good Monty Python stuff!
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Meg Griffin : Mum's Voodoo Doll? Throw! It's never worked anyway.
[Stabs it, Lois screams]
Meg Griffin : Ooh, keep!
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Meg Griffin : Happy Unbirthday!
