The League of Gentlemen (1999–2017)

Mark Gatiss: Various Characters, Various, Various characters

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Quotes 

• Phil : What people forget is gays are normal, regular, healthy guys.

  Olly Plimsoles : Dykes on the other hand are evil.

  Dave : Ollie!

  Olly Plimsoles : Picture the scene, you arrive home early to find your wife Linda in bed with another man. Only it's not actually man. It's a big fat lezza smoking *my* pipe and wearing my slippers!

  [Phil tries to calm Ollie down] 

  Olly Plimsoles : [shouts]  Don't touch me, you poof! Anyway, what was I saying? Tolerance is an important issue...

• Val : [reading the house rules about scissors]  Black for paper, chrome for string, the blue ones from this hook do swing. We keep them clean, don't be mistaken for kitchen jobs like trimming bacon.

  Benjamin : Well, that's fine. I need to meet Martin...

  Val Denton : Then there's the towels. White for hands, brown for feet, green for torso, thighs and seat. And in the cupboard beneath the stair...

  [Harvey enters] 

  Harvey Denton : ...you'll find the red for pubic hair.

• Harvey Denton : When I was younger I suffered terrible facial warts. I remember the whispered comments, "Here comes Harvey toadface." "Quick hide, toadface Denton is coming!"

  Val Denton : And that was his mother and father.

• Iris Krell : He has made me do things that would make a whore blush.

• David : I'd like to buy it all. Everything in the shop. How much would that be?

  Tubbs : [Looks around and counts on her fingers]  Well, that's, er, seven and twelfty pounds.

• Phil : [a play's closing line]  I'm happy with who I am and what I am and if people don't like that they can go kill themselves like Mum did!

• Geoff Tipps : God he's bloody deaf, him.

  Mike Harris : Well, you know what they say, Geoff.

  Geoff Tipps : What?

  Mike Harris : [mumbles] 

  Geoff Tipps : Eh?

  Mike Harris : [mumbles] 

  Geoff Tipps : I can't hear you!

  Mike Harris : I said "bummers are deaf!"

  [laughs] 

  Geoff Tipps : Ah, it's a good one, that.

  Mike Harris : I fell for it and all.

  Brian Morgan : [Brian catches up]  Sorry lads, I was getting that table for tonight.

  Geoff Tipps : Here, Brian. You know what they say, don't you? Bummers are deaf.

  Brian Morgan : What do you mean?

  Geoff Tipps : Well, they're deaf, aren't they? Bummers are deaf!

  Brian Morgan : I don't know what you're on about, Geoff.

  Geoff Tipps : Well I don't! Mike said it. He was really laughing.

• Pauline : Watch your language.

  Mickey : English.

  Pauline : No WATCH.

• Val Denton : We thought you'd be happiest down here on the sofa bed, you'll have your own shower and WC.

  Harvey Denton : Into which we do not pass solids.

• Mickey : What time is it, Ross?

  Ross : You've got a watch on.

  Mickey : I know, but what time is it?

• [arguing over the disposal of Mike's body] 

  Geoff Tipps : What are you doing ?

  Brian Morgan : I'm making him a cross.

  Geoff Tipps : Oh, great idea. Why not put a sign on the back saying, "Body buried here".

  Brian Morgan : Well, they will find him anyway.

  Geoff Tipps : Yeah, and when they do we'll say that wolves did it.

• [repeated line] 

  Alvin Steele : Home is the hunter!

• Mike Harris : [a good time later]  The thing is we're banking on this road but what if it doesn't happen?

  Brian Morgan : I thought it was a dead cert.

  Mike Harris : Our company needs...

  Geoff Tipps : PLUMS!

  Brian Morgan : You what?

  Geoff Tipps : It's plums, go on.

  Brian Morgan : Oh Geoff, it doesn't matter now.

  Geoff Tipps : Course it bloody matters! He's right near the end. There's only the Irish man left. Come on Brian. The chief turns to the Irish man, "Death or Mau Mau."

  Mike Harris : You didn't do the voice.

  Geoff Tipps : Don't matter. Finish it.

  Brian Morgan : I can't remember.

  Geoff Tipps : Finish it.

  Brian Morgan : I can't remember it Geoff.

  Geoff Tipps : Please.

  Brian Morgan : Geoff. I honestly can't remember.

  Geoff Tipps : [crying]  It's just a big bloody joke to you isn't it? Oh, Geoff can't tell a joke. Geoff is a joke. Geoff enters a talet competition and loses. Me mam said I would win. I was only eight. WELL YA KNOW I'VE GOT THIS GUN DON'T YA?

  Geoff Tipps : [pulls out gun]  Oh you're listening now. Well you, are going to tell this joke.

  [looks around him] 

  Geoff Tipps : And we're all gonna laugh. Or Mike gets it!

  [puts gun to Mike's head] 

  Brian Morgan : All right Geoff. For God's sake, I'll finish the joke. The chief says "Death or Mau Mau", the Irish man looks at his fruit.

  Geoff Tipps : PINEAPPLES! THEY'RE...

  Brian Morgan : Pineapples! He looks at them and says "I don't think I can stand the Mau Mau, I choose death." And the chief says to him...

  Mike Harris : [Geoff cocks the gun]  Get it right Brian.

  Brian Morgan : He says... I can't remember.

  Mike Harris : He says, "Death by Mau Mau."

  [pause] 

  Geoff Tipps : [calmly]  Oh, you heard it?

  Mike Harris : Yeah.

• Lance Longthorne : Stag night coming up? I've got just the thing for you. I've got just the thing. Spread this powder on the groom's undies night before the wedding, gives him crabs! Bleeding crabs eggs, they hatch overnight, groom's standing at the altar, wife beside him, can't stop thinking about scracthing himself because he's got bleedin'crabs. Four pound fifty.

  work man : What?

  Lance Longthorne : All right, four pound.

  work man : No, I'm lookin for something more... specific.

  Lance Longthorne : Oh. Ok, how about this? Hot sweets, give them to the groom before he makes his speech.

  Road man : Hot sweets, eh? What's in them, pepper?

  Lance Longthorne : Potassium. Burn his tongue and roof of his mouth off, never talk again!

• Professor Erno Breast-Pinch'd : Never mind who I am. It's a simple enough question. Do you want your breast pinched or not?

  [the woman slaps him and walks on] 

  Professor Erno Breast-Pinch'd : Fine.

  [writes] 

  Professor Erno Breast-Pinch'd : "Refuses to have breasts pinched." Now onto test two.

  [a man walks by] 

  Professor Erno Breast-Pinch'd : Excuse me sir...

• Iris Krell : Don't do anything I wouldn't do... that won't leave her many options.

• Tubbs : Come for me when the fiery ball weighs heavy in the sky.

  David : About 7 then?

• Phil : [another of their plays]  When mum said I was autistic, I thought she meant I was good at drawing. But then again, I was never like any of the other boys. They were into football.

  Dave : YAY!

  Phil : Or girls.

  Olly Plimsoles : Phwoar!

  Phil : And I liked books and dolls.

  Olly Plimsoles : Poof!

  Dave : Mary!

  Olly Plimsoles : Homo!

  Dave : Nancy!

  Olly Plimsoles : [tearful]  Linda...

• Les McQueen : Everyone knew me round here, I'd walk in a urinal and heads would turn.

• Lance Longthorne : Yes, this is the joke shop, shop being the key word. So if you've come here to laugh at the bumper stickers and the wind up willies, you can sod off out of here now, all right?

  Workman : No, I will be making a purchase.

  Lance Longthorne : Well, whoopy shit.

• [repeated line] 

  Les McQueen : It's a shit business. I'm glad I'm out of it.

• Hillary Briss : It's like I always say. I'm a business man; I've a shelf full of black puddings out there, can't say I care for it.

  Maurice : You mean... you don't eat the special stuff?

  Hillary Briss : Someone has to stay in control.

• Pauline : Mickey! If you walk out the door, I'll have no option but to stop your benefit.

  Ross : She can't do that!

  Pauline : Try me.

  Mickey : Please Pauline, I feel confident.

  Pauline : Well you look ridiculous! I know they put monkeys in space, but do you think they'll have one driving a fire engine.

  [Mickey sits down dejected] 

  Pauline : That's right Mickey love, you stick to what you know, eh?

  Mickey : Pauline's right, I am stupid.

  Pauline : Right the rest of you, I want you to split yourself into two groups, babysitters and bramble pickers, and we'll look at the next step. Getting an interview.

• Pauline : Ooh look. It's Mr. Cabbages, and he's a...

  Mickey : Fireman.

  Pauline : No Mickey love, he's a greengrocer. But his good friend is Mr. Flames, and he is a...

  Mickey : Greengrocer.

• Doctor Matthew Chinnery : [to a dog]  Hello old girl. Oh, you really are on your last legs aren't you? Had a good innings, eh? Chased a few cats, chewed a few bones. Well, you won't be in pain for much longer. Oh, don't mind this. Just a silly little needle.

  [the dog whimpers as he injects it, but he pets, and soothes it] 

  Dr. Matthew Chinnery : Off to the land of nod. Good dog.

  [Farmer Tinsel then enters carrying another dog] 

  Farmer Tinsel : Ugh, the galstone's made him put on weight Mr. Chinnery.

  Dr. Matthew Chinnery : What have you got there?

  Farmer Tinsel : Here's Blacko. The poorly one. The one I want putting down.

  Dr. Chinnery : And this one, the... sleeping one.

  Farmer Tinsel : Whiskey. My litle angel she is. Aren't you pet? Whiskey? Whiskey?

  Dr. Matthew Chinnery : I wonder if you can take a seat Mr. Tinsel, I have some rather upsetting news.

• Hillary Briss : Fear is the best insurance we can buy.

• Dr Matthew Chinnery : [after accidently killing an animal]  Was he very old?

• Cathy Carter-Smith : A com-pu-ter is like an electronic brain filled with chips. No, not the sort you have in your tea every night...

  Mickey : Pauline, she's worse than you.

• Mike King : Look Lance, there's an old saying, once the shit's been shat...

  Lance Longthorne : I'll shit you!

  [punches him] 

• Dr Matthew Chinnery : Reverend, do you believe a man can be cursed?

  Reverend Bernice Woodall : Have you met Barbera?

• Professor Erno Breast-Pinch'd : Excuse me madam, I am conducting a survey. Would it be all right if I asked you some questions?

  Woman : All right.

  Professor Erno Breast-Pinch'd : Question one: will you be prepared to have your breast pinched?

  Woman : Pardon?

  Professor Erno Breast-Pinch'd : I'll repeat the question. Would you be prepared to have your breast pinched?

  Woman : Certainly not!

  Professor Erno Breast-Pinch'd : Fine.

  [writes] 

  Professor Erno Breast-Pinch'd : Refuses to have breast pinched. Ok, second question. Are you sure you don't want your breast pinched?

• Pauline : You see, Ross? This poor bastard can't even spell 'job', but at least he tries!

  Mickey : J... O

  [looks confused] 

• Dougal Siepp : Kenny Harris. As I live and breath. Are you not out of business yet Kenneth?

  Kenny Harris : Quit carping Siepp. We do DVD and video rental now. Do you know what my biggest title is?

  Dougal Siepp : I'm sure you're going to tell me.

  Kenny Harris : Digby. "Digby the biggest dog in the world." Can you rememeber what you said about it?

  Dougal Siepp : Funnily enough, no.

  Kenny Harris : You said it were dated. No-one would want to see it in this day and age. 17 rentals in 20 weeks, explain that!

• Pauline : I see we have a few new faces joining our restart course this morning, so I want you all to make them feel very welcome. Remember we're all in the same boat, well, I'm not, I've got a job, but you're all in the same boat. And as such, I want you to think of me as your cox.

  Mickey : Cocks!

• Brian Morgan : All right, there's these three fellows.

  Geoff Tipps : Yeah, English man, Irish man, Scotchman.

  Brian Morgan : And they get lost in the desert.

  Geoff Tipps : Jungle.

  Brian Morgan : Is it?

  Geoff Tipps : Yeah, go on.

  Brian Morgan : All right. They get lost in the jungle and they get killed by these cannibals.

  Geoff Tipps : Not yet! You've missed the whole bloody joke you idiot!

• Geoff Tipps : Now, just think what the end is. And go back.

  Brian Morgan : There's an English man...

  Geoff Tipps : Fruit.

  Brian Morgan : What?

  Geoff Tipps : It's the fruit.

  Brian Morgan : [realising]  Oh yeah!

  Geoff Tipps : He remembers it now.

  Brian Morgan : English man, Irish man, scotchman. They get captured by the cannibals and they have to go out into the jungle and pick ten pieces of fruit. So they come back and the chief says, "So Englishman..."

  Geoff Tipps : Do the voice!

  Brian Morgan : [in voice]  "So English man, now you must choose between death or Mau Mau." and the english man says "We English will not bow to you savages, I choose Mau Mau." so they grab him and stick the ten pieces of fruit up his arse...

  Geoff Tipps : And what did he pick?

  Brian Morgan : Oh, the englishman picked cherries.

  Geoff Tipps : [cracking up]  Ha ha! Cherries. Imagine that Mike, tnen cherries sticking up your arse, Cherries are only really small though aren't they?

  [pause] 

  Geoff Tipps : Go on Brian.

  Brian Morgan : Right, so the chief turns to the scotchman and says "Death or Mau Mau" and... oh. What's the scotsman's fruit Geoff, it it bananas?

  Geoff Tipps : No it's smaller then that. Just a sec.

  Brian Morgan : Well let's just sa...

  Geoff Tipps : It's too big! It spoils the next one.

  Brian Morgan : Apples.

  Geoff Tipps : No.

  Mike Harris : Strawberries?

  Geoff Tipps : What, in the jungle?

• Les McQueen : I expect our kid told you I had a group of my own.

  Shack : Err...

  Les McQueen : Creme Brulee.

  [pause. Shack looks confused] 

  Les McQueen : Yeah, we had a good run. Did Eurovision.

  Shack : The Eurovision song contest?

  Les McQueen : Oh yeah. Back in 81. Heats. Same year as Bucks Fizz. I remember saying to Jay Aston just before we went on : "This is where you shit yourself isn't it, Jay?" We had a right laugh about it. Eh, what do you think of that Gina G, Shack?

  Shack : Er?

  Les McQueen : Rubbish wasn't it? Ordinary. I said to our Thom, "It won't win that." It's ordinary. Eurovision is about communication. Look at the Israelis. Years in the wilderness, all of a sudden, "A ba ni be a ba ni be." Genius.

• Joseph Lisgoe : Pay attention you ignorant bastard! Now, twinkle toes is gonna try and get that money off you. Off you go.

  Glenn Baggs : Got that money Mr. Baggs?

  Barry Baggs : Yeah, here it is, ten, twenty, thirty...

  Joseph Lisgoe : No, no no! It's not as easy as that is it? Put up a fight like they do with you.

  Barry Baggs : Err...

  Joseph Lisgoe : Never mind, give it back.

  Barry Baggs : No.

  Joseph Lisgoe : What?

  Barry Baggs : Come back Thursday.

  Joseph Lisgoe : We're not playing that now, give me thne thirty quid.

  Barry Baggs : No, you can't have it. My mam needs it for an operation, she's having her legs replaced.

• Dr. Matthew Chinnery : Go, Johnny, go, go, go!

• Joseph Lisgoe : Right, you two, this is the last chance saloon. How much money did you pair of clowns collect last week?

  Barry Baggs : Err...

  Joseph Lisgoe : Six pound! Six bloody pound. And you only found that because it were down the back of a sofa you brung in.

  Barry Baggs : Is there any sandwiches?

  [Lisgoe throws something at him] 

  Glenn Baggs : Sorry, Mr. Lisgoe, we...

  Joseph Lisgoe : I know what it is. You're as soft as bloddy shite. So we're going to have a bit of retraining or you're out on your arses. You, Fatty Arbuckle.

  Barry Baggs : I'm not fat, I'm large.

  Joseph Lisgoe : Right, here's thirty quid.

  Barry Baggs : Ooh, thanks Mr. Lisgoe I'll get some pop. You want owt Glenn?

• Dr Ira Carlton : Come in.

  [Mrs Beasly enters] 

  Dr Ira Carlton : Sit down as usual. Now, what *seems* to be the problem?

  Gina Beasley : I've been having these bad headaches for months now. And I think there's something seriously wrong.

  Dr Ira Carlton : I'll be the judge of that if you don't mind! I'm going to subscribe you some tablets, they're called Paracetemol, you take two at the first sign of the pain recurring. Now go out will you?

  Gina Beasley : Actually, Dr. Carlton, I've tried Paracetemol and they don't seem to work.

  Dr Ira Carlton : You see, once again you are crossing the line. And I don't like it one bit. Are you tidy?

  Gina Beasley : I try to be.

  Dr Ira Carlton : Methodical.

  Gina Beasley : Yes.

  Dr Ira Carlton : [pause]  Which means you are obsessional, a trait often subscribed to hypercondriacts. And on that note we'll end, come and see me again in twenty two weeks. Now go out will you?

  [she is about to speak up] 

  Dr Ira Carlton : GO OUT WILL YOU?

  Gina Beasley : [bursts into tears]