Will Ferrell: Willenholly
Photos
Quotes
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[Willenholly and the Utah police confront Jay and Silent Bob]
Sheriff : Are you fucking crazy? Now they may be gay, but that's not their son. That's the ape.
Whillenholly : I think I would recognize an ape if I saw one, okay? And the only thing I do recognize right now is the political fiasco I'm about to avoid here by letting this butt-fucking Brady Bunch go.
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Whillenholly : It may not be my way, but damn if there doesn't go one happy family. All right, gang, let's just shoot some tear gas into the diner, and then when the guys come out with the monkey, we'll... Fuckbeans. That was them, wasn't it?
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Whillenholly : The C.L.I.T. is an offshoot of the L.A.B.I.A.
Reg Hartner : Oh, you mean the Liberate Apes Before Imprisoning Apes movement?
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Jay : Hey, lawdog.
Whillenholly : [Willenholly realizes Jay & Silent Bob didn't jump] Hey!
Jay : See you in hell, cocksmoker!
Whillenholly : Aww, Fuck Meeeee!.
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Willenholly : Oh my God. I'm paralyzed! That monkey shot me in the ass and paralyzed me! Oh sweet irony!
Justice : You're not paralyzed. It was just a tranquilizer.
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Whillenholly : [Jay and Silent Bob are hiding in the diner] They've got a monkey in there?
Sheriff : An ape.
Whillenholly : What?
Sheriff : An orangutan's a member of the great ape family, it's not a monkey.
Whillenholly : Look, who's the Federal Wildlife Marshal here, me or you? That's what I thought.
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Whillenholly : Fire a warning shot into his bulbous ass.
Sheriff : One rectal breach comin' up.
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Whillenholly : [to Banky] Wow, there's a lot of love in the room.
Banky : Regardless of what you may have heard, I do not kiss guys.
Whillenholly : Okay, play it cool, hot shot.
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Whillenholly : We don't want to rub the C.L.I.T. the wrong way.
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Whillenholly : Remember, folks... stimulation of the C.L.I.T is not recommended.
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Justice : They didn't really steal the monkey. It was just a diversion so we could steal these.
[showing a bag of stolen diamonds]
Justice : And they're not the leaders of the C.L.I.T. The C.L.I.T is not real.
Whillenholly : No the clit is real. Its the female orgasm that's the myth.
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Whillenholly : Sorry, Justice. We've gotta go.
[to Jay]
Whillenholly : Hey, stop stealing monkeys.
Jay : Fuck you.
Whillenholly : Fair enough.
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Whillenholly : And might I add, that is one fine looking boy you are raising.
Jay : Hell yeah, that's because he's from my sperm. See, I knocked up this hot woman friend of ours that I fuck on the side so as to not be all the way gay, but my tubby husband here is 100% queer. He LOVES the cock.
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Whillenholly : Why are you shooting at me? I'm just a Federal Wildlife Marshall.
Chrissy : Two reasons. One: we're walking, talking, bad girl cliches.
Missy : And two: because you're a man.
Whillenholly : Only on the outside.
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Willenholly : [while masturbating to donkey / girl porn] Oh Yeah! Oh Yeah! You chug that ass cock, baby. You need two hands. Oh, you like that, MULE. Mules are... GOOD!
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[on his cell phone]
Whillenholly : Plaschke, this is Willenholly. I need you to get me on the national news, pronto. Why? Because we may very well be dealing with the two most dangerous men on the planet.
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Whillenholly : I think I would recognize an ape if I saw one and the only thing I see right now is a political fiasco that I'm about to avoid by letting this buttfuckin' Brady Bunch go!
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[Jay and Silent Bob have eluded capture by pretending to be lovers and disguising the ape as their son]
Whillenholly : Well it isn't my way but I'll be damned if their doesn't go one happy family. Okay men let's shoot some tear gas into the diner and when they come out we'll... Fuck beans! That was them wasn't it?
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Whillenholly : [after Jay and Silent Bob struggle to escape through a sewer tunnel] Wow! That was an incredibly daring escape!
[takes his jacket off handing it to the Sheriff]
Whillenholly : Okay, here's the deal. You and your men stay up here, when I corner them, I'll call for back up. I'm counting on you, Sheriff.
[hugs him]
Whillenholly : You've taught me so much.
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Willenholly : Put the monkey down, and your hands up. Let's go, misters. Do you want to get shot? I didn't think so.
Jay : Look, man. She doesn't want to go back to the lab. And for the record, I ain't gay.
Willenholly : And for the record, while we're one the subject, I knew that wasn't a real little boy.
Jay : And for one more record, he does love the cock.
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Whillenholly : I don't get out to the movies that much, but "Bluntman and Chronic" was blunt-tastic.
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Whillenholly : Who let the cats out?
