Not Another Teen Movie (2001)
Eric Christian Olsen: Austin
Photos
Quotes
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Jake : What about her?
[indicating hunchback girl walking by]
Austin : So baby's got a little back. Hunch, that is. Naah, way too easy.
Jake : OK.
[indicates hippy albino girl playing guitar]
Albino Folk Singer : [singing] I have no pigment...
Austin : Any girl with a guitar is hot.
Albino Folk Singer : [continues singing] I need sunscreen...
Austin : Granted, she's a hippy albino. She could still be prom queen.
Jake : OK, uh, what about the Fratelli sisters?
[indicates awkward Siamese twins conjoined at the head]
Austin : So they're slightly disfigured and connected at the head. But combined, those two make up one pretty decent chick.
Reggie Ray : Yeah, I'd do 'em.
Austin : I know you would, Reggie Ray. But no, I'm looking for somebody who's really messed up. I'm talking about a real shitbomb.
[Janie Briggs walks by]
Austin : Well, bombs away!
Jake : No, no, no, no, anyone but her! Not... Janey Briggs! Guys, she's got glasses and a ponytail! Aw, look at that, she's got paint on her overalls, what is that? Guys, there's no way she could be prom queen!
Malik : Damn! That shit's whack!
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Austin : [to Jake] All I said was, "I'm pretending to whisper a big secret in your ear, so Jake here thinks that I'm telling you a big secret, which will cause him to break into a hysterical confession where he actually reveals... a big secret. Thus confirming everything I just whispered in your ear."
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Jake : How could Priscilla dump me, Jake Wyler? I mean who the hell does she think she is?
Austin : I got two words for ya, Jake: Prom Queen... material.
Jake : Austin, she's an illusion. Ok, you take away the make-up, the clothes, the way she wears her hair, the smell of her perfume, that cute little face she makes when she's tonguing my balls. Look she's totally replaceable.
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Austin : Looks like you've got a thing for butt-ugly girls, Mr. I've Got A Thing For Butt-Ugly Girls!
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Austin : My Freshmen year I threw 176 touchdown passes. My sophomore year I ran in 14 myself... with a sprained ankle, a broken phalange, a ruptured duodenum, and a sub dermal hematoma.
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Austin : Jake Wyler. So congratulations man, you just blew my perfect season. Senor You-Just-Blew-My-Perfect-Season!
Jake : What do you want Austin?
Austin : A life.
[pause]
Austin : And payback.
Jake : C'mon man, don't do this.
Austin : No, man, I think I'll hang around. Maybe tell Janey a little S-E-C-R-A-T-P...
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Austin : All I said was: "I'm pretending to whisper a big secret in your ear so that Jake here thinks I'm telling you a secret, which will cause him to break into a hysterical confession where he actually reveals a big secret. Thus confirming everything I just whispered in your ear."
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Austin : Let's make like a tree and... branch!
