Shrek 2 (2004)
John Cleese: King
Photos
Quotes
-
[Shrek, Fiona, Fiona's Mom and Dad and Donkey are arguing at the table]
Queen : Harold!
Princess Fiona : Shrek!
Shrek : Fiona...
King : Fiona!
Princess Fiona : Mom!
Queen : Harold!
Donkey : [happily] Donkey!
-
King : Who on earth are they?
Queen : I think that's our little girl!
King : That's not little, that's a really big problem! Wasn't she supposed to kiss Prince Charming and break the spell?
Queen : Well, he's no Prince Charming, but they do look...
Shrek : Happy now? We came, we saw them. Now let's go before they light the torches!
Princess Fiona : But they're my parents!
Shrek : Hello, they locked you in a tower!
Princess Fiona : Hey, that was for my own...
King : Good! Now's our chance. Let's go back inside and pretend we're not home.
Queen : Harold! We have to be...
Shrek : Quick, while they're not looking, we can make a run for it!
Princess Fiona : Shrek! Stop it! Everything is going to be...
King : A disaster! There's no way...
Princess Fiona : You can do this.
Shrek : But I really...
King : Really...
Queen : Really...
Shrek : Don't...
Princess Fiona : Want...
Queen : To...
Shrek : Be...
King : He-ere.
-
[Harold takes the spell meant for Shrek, and is blasted until only his armour remains]
Princess Fiona : Oh, Dad...
Queen : Harold...
Pinocchio : Is he... oh...
[there's a "ribbit"]
Gingerbread Man : He croaked...
[Harold, the Frog King, clambers out of his armour]
Queen : ...Harold?
Princess Fiona : ...Dad?
King : [sighs] I had hoped you would never see me like this...
Donkey : [to Shrek] Huh - and he gave *you* a hard time!
Shrek : Donkey!
King : No, no, he's right - I'm sorry, to both of you. I only wanted what was best for Fiona, but I can see now she already has it. Shrek, Fiona - will you accept an old frog's apologies, and my blessing?
[Shrek and Fiona bow their heads in assent]
Queen : Harold...
King : I'm sorry, Lillian - I just wish I could be the man that you deserve...
Queen : [taking him in her hand] You're more that man today than you ever were - warts and all...
-
[the king enters Puss' room; it is dark, and only Puss' eyes and boots are visible]
Puss-in-Boots : Who dares enter my room?
King : Sorry - I hope I'm not interrupting anything, but I was told that you are the one to handle an ogre problem.
Puss-in-Boots : You are told correct, but for this I charge a great deal of money.
King : Will this do?
[the king throws a bag full of money on the table; Puss opens it with his sword]
Puss-in-Boots : You have engaged my valuable services, Your Majesty. Just tell me where I can find this ogre.
-
Fairy Godmother : Harold, you have forced me to do something I really don't want to do.
King : What... Where are we?
Fast Food Clerk : Well, hi there! Welcome to Friar's Fat Boy. May I take your order?
Fairy Godmother : My diet is ruined! I hope you're happy.
-
Fairy Godmother : He endured blistering winds and scorching deserts - he climbed the highest bloody room of the tallest bloody tower - and what does he find? Some gender-confused WOLF telling him that HIS princess is already married!
King : Well, it wasn't my fault - he didn't get there in time!
-
King : [Donkey sits at the table] No, no! Bad donkey! Bad! Down!
Princess Fiona : Dad, it's alright, it's alright. He's with us. He helped rescue me from the dragon.
Donkey : Yup, that's me, the noble steed. Hey waiter! How 'bout a bowl for the steed?
-
Queen : So, Fiona. Tell us about where you live.
Princess Fiona : Well, Shrek owns his own land. Don't you, honey?
Shrek : Yes. It's in an... enchanted forest, abundant in squirrels, and cute little duckies...
Donkey : What?
[laughs]
Donkey : I know you ain't talking about the swamp.
Shrek : Donkey!
King : An ogre from a swamp. How original.
Queen : I guess that will be a fine place to raise the children.
[both Shrek and the King choke; Shrek coughs up his spoon]
Shrek : It's a little early to be thinking about that, isn't it?
King : Indeed! I just started eating.
Queen : Harold!
Shrek : What's that supposed to mean?
-
[King Harold turns up with two cups of tea - the one for Fiona filed with love potion...]
King : Darling? Ah, I thought I might find you here - how about a nice hot cup of tea before the ball...
Princess Fiona : I'm not going.
King : B-b-but the whole kingdom's turned out to celebrate your marriage!
Princess Fiona : There's just one problem - that's not my husband. I mean, look at him!
[they both watch Charming, showing off in front of everyone]
King : Yes, he is a bit different, but people do change for the ones they love - you'd be surprised how much I changed for your mother...
Princess Fiona : *Change*? He's completely lost his mind!
King : Darling, why not come down to the ball and give him another chance - I mean, you might find you like this new Shrek...
Princess Fiona : But it's the *old* one I fell in love with, Dad - I'd give anything to have him back...
[she reaches for her tea...]
King : [taking her cup] Darling, that's mine! Decaf... otherwise I'm up all night!
[Fiona drinks the normal cup of tea]
Princess Fiona : Mmm. Thanks.
-
King : So I suppose any grandchildren I could expect from you would be...
Shrek : Ogres! Yes!
Queen : Not that there's anything wrong with that. Right, Harold?
King : Oh, no, no. Of course not! That's assuming you don't eat your own young!
Princess Fiona : Dad!
Shrek : Oh, no, we usually prefer the ones who have been locked away in a tower!
Princess Fiona : Shrek, please!
King : I only did that because I love her!
Shrek : Oh, aye! Daycare or dragon-guarded castle!
King : You wouldn't understand that you're not her father!
-
Fairy Godmother : Harold, you were supposed to give her the potion!
King : Well, I guess I gave her the wrong tea.
-
Queen : Harold!
Princess Fiona : Shrek!
Shrek : Fiona!
King : Fiona!
Princess Fiona : Mom!
Princess Fiona : Harold!
Donkey : Donkey!
-
King : Uh, excuse me, I'm looking for the Ugly Stepsister.
[the Ugly Stepsister silently turns around to face Harold]
King : Ah, there you are, right. You see, I uh,
[Harold lowers his voice]
King : I need to have someone 'taken care of'.
The Ugly Stepsister : Who's the guy?
King : Well, he's not guy per say, he's ogre.
[the entire bar gasps at the word ogre and drops silent]
The Ugly Stepsister : Hey, buddy let me clue you in. There's only one fella who can handle a job like that, and frankly he don't like to be disturbed.
King : Where could I find him?
-
King : I knew this would happen.
Queen : You should. You started it.
King : I can hardly believe that, Lillian. He's the ogre. Not me.
Queen : I think Harold, you're taking this a little too personally. This is Fiona's choice.
King : Yes, but she was supposed to choose the prince we picked out for her. I mean, you expect me to give my blessings to this thing?
Queen : Fiona does. And she'll never forgive you if you don't. I don't want to lose our daughter again, Harold. Oh, you act as if love is totally predictable. Don't you remember when we were young? We used to walk down by the lily pond and they were in bloom.
King : Our first kiss. It's not the same! I don't think you realize that our daughter has married a monster!
-
Fairy Godmother : You see we made a deal, Harold. And I assume you don't want me to go back on my part.
King : [sighs] Indeed not.
Fairy Godmother : So Fiona and Charming *will* be together!
King : Yes.
Fairy Godmother : Oh, believe me Harold. It's what's best. Not only for your daughter...
[takes a bite out of her wrap]
Fairy Godmother : But for your kingdom.
-
Prince Charming : I mean, how charming can I be when I have to pretend I'm that dreadful ogre?
King : No, no, It's nobody's fault. Perhaps it's best if we just call the whole thing off, okay?
Prince Charming , Fairy Godmother : What?
King : You can't force someone to fall in love!
Fairy Godmother : I beg to differ. I do it all the time!
[pulls out a love potion from her bag]
Fairy Godmother : Have Fiona drink this and she'll fall in love with the first man she kisses, which will be Charming.
King : Um, no.
Fairy Godmother : What did you say?
King : I can't. I won't do it.
Fairy Godmother : Oh, yes, you will. If you remember, I helped you with your happily ever after.
[holds her wand close to Harold's face]
Fairy Godmother : And I can take it away just as easily. Is that what you want? Is it?
King : No.
Fairy Godmother : Good boy.
-
Prince Charming : Mummy!
[tosses the magic wand to his mother]
Princess Fiona : [confused] Mummy?
Fairy Godmother : [enraged, to Shrek] I TOLD YOU OGRES DON'T LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER!
[fires a blast from her wand in a selfish attempt to kill Shrek]
Princess Fiona : [worried] SHREK!
King : NOOOOOO!
[the blast from the wand is deflected off of the King's armour and hits the Fairy Godmother. Shocked, she wonders what hit her, and she makes another attempt to kill Shrek, but before she can fire another blast from her wand, she explodes into bubbles, dying in the process]
